Stepparenting Vent

[RachelEllen]

So frustrated right now. I have a 9 year old step-son whose mom is just difficult. Very difficult to communicate with. (Email only, won't talk to us on phone, takes weeks to answer questions, etc). I'm expecting my first child at the end of September, and we are trying to plan the baby naming. This is a Jewish ceremony most closely related to a Christening, but not quite as religious.

My father passed away about 2 years ago, and the hospital where he worked is having a large memorial service (opening a building in his name) on a weekend in December. I'd really like to have the naming on the same weekend so that out of town relatives can be there. If it's much earlier, we run into Thanksgiving or the babies first month when I'd rather not do a big social event (due to exposing baby to so many people). If it's much later we run into Christmas holidays. After that, my mom is moving and we were planning to have the event at her house. (It's much larger than ours) If it's at all close to the other event, many relatives of mine who are flying in won't be able to plan a second trip.

The catch? We don't have my stepson that weekend. We asked his mom if we could have him a few hours that weekend (any few hours, either Saturday or Sunday for a day in exchange of her choice) We had to ask three times to get a reply. (Over a period of two weeks) Do they have anything planned? No. She just doesn't 'feel comfortable' making plans that far in advance.

I realize that the remarriage and new child must be a huge stress for her. But what is she thinking just making things difficult for me when I'm going to be in her son's life? Wouldn't she appreciate flexibility from us in the future? There's no question about scheduling the naming when the fourth most important person involved (after baby and the father and I) can't be there. But I'm going to be very sad when a lot of my extended family cannot come.

 

[Disfan3]

Plan the ceremony for the time you want to have the ceremony. Ask the mother when it gets closer...see if she will allow it. Otherwise schedule the ceremony for the weekend he will be with you.

Take it from me, who has btdt with my own ex and my husband's ex...this is going to be a LONG road ahead of you and you are looking at a very stressful life if you let it get to you. There is nothing you can do about it. Would flexibility be nice? OF COURSE! But in reality that is not promised.

I just do what I want to do and if it works out for the other parent, fine. If not, my husband and I deal with it and move on. I know its not the best advice...but it is honest.

 

[RachelEllen]

I get that. But I wouldn't feel right scheduling the ceremony when my ss can't be there. So she's basically making me choose between having my daughter's brother there, or, much of the rest of my extended family. I'll try not to stress over it, but on just a human level, I really don't get it!

 

[bumbershoot]

Does he *want* to be there? As a stepdaughter with half sibs, and sister to my full brother who always disliked younger children and rarely wanted to visit our dad and the boys (our half sis was born much later), is it possible his mom is covering for his not wanting to be there?

 

[Rock'n Robin]

He's 9! What kind of psycho 9 year old dislikes a new baby sister? Sheesh.
(this was in response to bumbershoot and in no way reflecting on your stepson, I should have quoted)
Robin M.

 

[Magic Mom]

He's 9! What kind of psycho 9 year old dislikes a new baby sister? Sheesh.
(this was in response to bumbershoot and in no way reflecting on your stepson, I should have quoted)
Robin M.

I can see a 9 YO not liking a sister especially since dad has a new wife and a new child. "Old" children often feel replaced when a parent remarries and has more children. It wouldn't make them "psycho" just a kid in the middle of a divorce he didn't ask for.
This isn't a reflection on the OP. She seems very caring.

 

[MossMan]

But I'm going to be very sad when a lot of my extended family cannot come.

She is willing to use her son to make a point. That tells me one thing - you absolutely cannot win this. Not possible. Even if she agrees, she will find a way to change her mind at the last moment.

This is your decision to make. Either your Step son doesn't come, or he comes on a day when you have him. Take this women out of the equation and make your decision based on that.

The only thing you can do with people who act like this is unfailingly treat them with courtesy and never ask anything of them. Hopefully in a few years her pain will drop to point where she doesn't put her pettiness over what's best for her son.

 

[Robinrs]

Okay... fast forward.

Ten years from now, you've broken up with current DH a few years back.

Your baby in utero is now 9 years old.

Your former DH is married to a younger, very pregnant woman and she calls to have your child come to a celebration of THEIR new family.

Tell me ... what would the thread look like on the DIS???

In other words, put yourself in her place.

 

[Goobergal99]

So frustrated right now. I have a 9 year old step-son whose mom is just difficult. Very difficult to communicate with. (Email only, won't talk to us on phone, takes weeks to answer questions, etc). I'm expecting my first child at the end of September, and we are trying to plan the baby naming. This is a Jewish ceremony most closely related to a Christening, but not quite as religious.

My father passed away about 2 years ago, and the hospital where he worked is having a large memorial service (opening a building in his name) on a weekend in December. I'd really like to have the naming on the same weekend so that out of town relatives can be there. If it's much earlier, we run into Thanksgiving or the babies first month when I'd rather not do a big social event (due to exposing baby to so many people). If it's much later we run into Christmas holidays. After that, my mom is moving and we were planning to have the event at her house. (It's much larger than ours) If it's at all close to the other event, many relatives of mine who are flying in won't be able to plan a second trip.

The catch? We don't have my stepson that weekend. We asked his mom if we could have him a few hours that weekend (any few hours, either Saturday or Sunday for a day in exchange of her choice) We had to ask three times to get a reply. (Over a period of two weeks) Do they have anything planned? No. She just doesn't 'feel comfortable' making plans that far in advance.

I realize that the remarriage and new child must be a huge stress for her. But what is she thinking just making things difficult for me when I'm going to be in her son's life? Wouldn't she appreciate flexibility from us in the future? There's no question about scheduling the naming when the fourth most important person involved (after baby and the father and I) can't be there. But I'm going to be very sad when a lot of my extended family cannot come.

See.. I feel that blended familes simply don't work, at least from what I have seen, may sound harsh but the reality is that the kid has 2 parents... period!...

if my DH remarried I know I would be a wicked witch and demand full custody until she was old enough to choose where she wanted to be (lucky for me she is 9 and I think I can stand DH for at least another few years kidding ) but regardless I wish you luck, I really do... but it can be trying, she is his mother.... and its her weekend... bottom line... she can do what she wants

 

[RachelEllen]

I honestly don't think that's it. SS has been very excited about his new sister. He's always coming over to feel her kick and talk to her. He's made her art projects at camp. (Including what my husband and I refer between ourselves to as "Mr Chokey" a small sock puppet decorated with glued on buttons which has a place of honor on a very high shelf for now.) We just moved and are cleaning out a lot of old stuff and he's been wanting to give a lot of his old clothes and toys to the baby.

Plus, we haven't even told him about the event or angst over the date. I don't like involving him any more than neccesary in these negiotiations with his mom.

Now, he's a very sensitive kid, and there's always the possibility he is expressing things differently to his mom. Or, that she feels like she's protecting him. But, honestly, this is very much in line with the way she acts about much more trivial things. Or things that he's really interested in. (A country music concert, for example, that he requested to go to and that she waited six weeks to let us know he could attend.)

 

[Goobergal99]

He's 9! What kind of psycho 9 year old dislikes a new baby sister? Sheesh.
(this was in response to bumbershoot and in no way reflecting on your stepson, I should have quoted)
Robin M.

The normal kind

Psycho?? how about hurt, replaced, betrayed.... but psycho?? a bit extreme I think

My DH and I are still married and my 9 y/old told us (her actual parents) we had better never have another baby.... now mind you we don't want any... but still, I understand it

 

[barkley]

He's 9! What kind of psycho 9 year old dislikes a new baby sister? Sheesh.
(this was in response to bumbershoot and in no way reflecting on your stepson, I should have quoted)
Robin M.

i have 3 older sibs (ranging from 6 to 16 years older) and while they did'nt 'dislike' me, they certainly were not thrilled in having to be present for events that any child, tween or teen would not be otherwise interested in attending if they had any choice in. they attended because my parents required them to do so.

some events are much more adult in nature, and unless, in the case of a religious event an older child is being raised in that religion and it is an expectaion of that rearing that they participate or attend-what is served by forcing attendance? in the case of an infant naming, baptism or christening the active participant won't know who attends or not-the only purpose to require a child who does not want to attend is for whatever reason the adults have (photos, visiting relatives to see....).

as to situation the op presents-is it possible the mother truely does'nt want to committ because she is unsure of what her son may be involved with (my kid's school/activity calendar is'nt out yet-and she's the one who would be dealing with him complaining if she obligates him to something he realy does'nt want to do esp. if something he want's to do becomes apparant a month or two from now)? also-does the child/his mom practice the same faith? i notice you mention an issue with schedualing having to do with christmas-could it be that his mother/he don't understand the importance you place with this occasion?

 

[Minnie]

How long has your DH been divorced? I ask because there is often a lot of history with ex's and your DH might not have been an "angel" during all of it

Take it from someone who knows..... don't ever plan on the ex doing anything other than what you can control. That is exactly what is in the divorce papers. Flexibility on both sides is very hard and most often one gets burnt (been there done that )

Also, this is just the beginning. I'm not familiar with Jewish holidays but for instance take any holiday. DSS may likely be with his mom so the children will not be together. This is normal for half siblings and something that won't be an issue as long as YOU don't make it one

Plan the event, say it's this ceremony, new baby's b-day, ect, ect for what works for you. If DSS is not there to be part of the festivities unfortunatley that's the way it will be.

I'm not trying to be harsh but give a real picture of what normally happens in divorced situations. Good luck

 

[punkin]

Drop it. A baby naming is not that big of a deal and there is nothing you can do about this anyway. Do it when you want and ask his mother nicely. If she doesn't budge, you've done everything you could.

 

[lillygator]

plan it when you plan it and hope dss can make it.

 

[Minnie]

He's 9! What kind of psycho 9 year old dislikes a new baby sister? Sheesh.
(this was in response to bumbershoot and in no way reflecting on your stepson, I should have quoted)
Robin M.

Are you serious

We have no way of knowing what this child is feeling. But psycho because a 9 year old may not be goo over a religious ceremony for a new half sibling

I don't hardly think so. Try maybe feeling that he may be replaced or all kinds of things that kids of divorce go through. But psycho?????? Wow.

 

[RachelEllen]

Okay... fast forward.

Ten years from now, you've broken up with current DH a few years back.

Your baby in utero is now 9 years old.

Your former DH is married to a younger, very pregnant woman and she calls to have your child come to a celebration of THEIR new family.

Tell me ... what would the thread look like on the DIS???

In other words, put yourself in her place.

I've definitely thought of that. And I do have sympathy. I'm sure I'll have much more, in fact, in a few months, when I get to meet this little girl. But I've also always been very pragmatic. (My husband calls me the vulcan of the family) This is her son's family. This is her son's sister. This event will not happen when he cannot attend. (If he showed any signs of not wanting to, that would be completely different.) Of course she /can/ do whatever she wants with her weekend. But why be stubborn about something that affects her so little? Surely being cooperative works out best for everyone? (And mostly for ss!)

 

[Goobergal99]

I've definitely thought of that. And I do have sympathy. I'm sure I'll have much more, in fact, in a few months, when I get to meet this little girl. But I've also always been very pragmatic. (My husband calls me the vulcan of the family) This is her son's family. This is her son's sister. This event will not happen when he cannot attend. (If he showed any signs of not wanting to, that would be completely different.) Of course she /can/ do whatever she wants with her weekend. But why be stubborn about something that affects her so little? Surely being cooperative works out best for everyone? (And mostly for ss!)

I don't know... it's hard not to be selfish sometimes... I mean honestly, don't be offended please... but if I were his mother... you would not be my sons family... in my mind... Now that is me, she could think differently... but I am who I am... and my DD is my daughter... as a mom (and you will learn this soon) it is difficult to imagine another woman in your childs life and the cosmos forbid they ever tried to discipline her... it would be a bad day

 

[Minnie]

But why be stubborn about something that affects her so little? Surely being cooperative works out best for everyone?

Nope, been there unfortunately bought the t-shirt and was burned so hard I still have the marks

Normally one is a little more "cooperative" than others

 

[RachelEllen]

I don't know... it's hard not to be selfish sometimes... I mean honestly, don't be offended please... but if I were his mother... you would not be my sons family... in my mind... Now that is me, she could think differently... but I am who I am... and my DD is my daughter... as a mom (and you will learn this soon) it is difficult to imagine another woman in your childs life and the cosmos forbid they ever tried to discipline her... it would be a bad day

No offense taken at all. I'm sure she doesn't think of "me" as her son's family. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try to treat him as though he were. She did want full custody way back when. And my husband fought really hard for shared custody. And I know it was an ugly fight and that my husband hasn't been an angel either over all these years. I've been trying very hard over the past year to motivate him to treat her as we want to be treated. (Reimbursements going back to her quickly, schedule changes always accomodated unless we have a very good reason not to)

I'm a bit suprised that so many people say to just schedule the thing and not worry about whether he can make it. I can't imagine any good coming from planning an event like this (50 out of town family members, big meal, etc.) and having it when he couldn't attend. I've never done this stepfamily thing before either, but it just feels wrong!

I'm really afraid things are going to hit the fan in a month or so. The order states that she provides ss's health insurance and we pay 60% of the cost. (About $700/yr.) Now that we have to have a family plan, it costs us nothing to add ss to our plan. Which is actually better coverage with much less out of pocket than hers. We requested three months ago that she consider modifying the order so we provide coverage. She's still considering it. If she refuses and still insists we pay, I know dh is going to lose it.