Spending money...

[tms295psu]

You keep asking for a simple answer and twisting every answer someone gives you!!!

Here is your simple answer to question:
NO bio-mom has NO OBLIGATION TO SEND ANY MONEY!!!! Its YOUR vacation.

Should you buy gifts for mom and (her family)... YES, don't spend a fortune, but a small gesture would be nice. I recall reading your posts that mom doesn't tell you much of what is going on on "her time", so I doubt you would know in advance if they took a mini trip. Wouldn't it make you feel good, if they brought a gift for your son!?

LOOK IN THE MIRROR HOW WOULD YOU WANT YOUR FAMILY TREATED!!!!

And if you want a successful marriage, drop the MINE-YOURS prospective. We also keep separate accounts (for the simple reason of not overdrawing accounts, or having to call each other to make sure we both aren't trying to use a large chuck of money resulting in an overdraft). So, technically I pay for ALL Vacations (I usually plan and book) I pay for all kid expenses (lets face it daddy doesn't go shopping), I buy the majority of the groceries (again I do the shopping), I pay the medical expenses (I'm the one taking them into the doctor office/picking up prescriptions)... But the reality of it is WE are a FAMILY... its OUR MONEY!!!! And it all comes out even in the end!

Do you split the bill w/ your husband when you go out to eat??? LOL...

Just my opinion again... but I think your trying to convince yourself that you love these girls, otherwise this would have never been a question in the first place, or at least not a 20+ page discussion trying to validate your opinion. Having said that, I also think it take a special person to marry (and take on the responsibility of someone else's kids).

I'm a kid of divorce myself... my step-dad treated me as his own. And opened his home to my father when we had special occasions (birthdays, graduations, etc)... he didn't like my father by any means, but he did it to make my life easier and more normal. my father's girlfriend (and her kids) had a lot in common with you! And I actually walked away from my father's family in my late teens (didn't talk to my dad for 2 years)... because of was tired of having to live two lives/two families. Fortunately, my dad saw what the girlfriend was doing to his family... and sent her on her way. My parents are divorced (don't like each other at all), but they are civil and maintain ONE FAMILY for us!

I also have a half sister... and have never referred to her as anything other than sister. Only once is 19 years has anyone ever referred to her as my Half Sister... And quiet honestly... I was very insulted! She is my sister!!!

Enjoy your trip!!!

 

[STAYC18]

I've read the whole thread. As someone who grew up with a (now ex-)stepmom, I've refrained from commenting because the harshness of your tone when you talk about your step-girls hits a little too close to my bad memories as a kid.

To your question - if I asked my daughter to get me something while on a trip to Disney, I'd give her money. If I asked my daughter to get something for her stepdad, I'd give her money. If I wasn't asking her to bring back something, I would actually want to respect the other parents and NOT give her money.

Imagine this situation - I set a reasonable spending amount for each of the kids (equal or based on age, doesn't matter). Then the other mom sends her kids with an extra $100 each and tells them to get whatever they want. Suddenly I've got a minefield on my hands. One kid with a reasonable amount of spending money and her siblings with more than double.

and that is fine cuz thats where the "life isn't alway fair" rules applies...

 

[mvazul]

i'm pretty sure this means once their money is gone i should give them more cuz they didn't get anything for themselves

What you bolded from declansdad was a quote he posted from YOU!

 

[Nancyg56]

well does Duffy know that we are giving the kids spending money and that she don't need to send a total stranger money so the kids can get something for their mother... they are gonna have spending money isn't that what they are suppose to use it for to buy them and whom ever they choose to with it...

First I apologize to Duffy, I thought a different poster offered. Now to my point, which you missed. You called a poster a rude name which you misspelled in your zeal to defend your decisions. You have made multiple errors during this thread and not one person has called you rude names or belittled you in order to drive an opinion home.

Many people have tried to explain why your thought process in regards to how you intend to allocate spending money to the children seems to be punitive towards your husbands children. Many times you have referred to them as his ex's kids. We are simply trying to make you understand that your husband is the father of these girls, just as he is Mason's father. If you truly want him to treat these girls as "the ex's kids" you should be very worried about Mason in the event the two of you divorce. When your son accompanies his new family on a vacation the money you give him to buy you a gift will not change the fact that he is an intrusion.

You can take the advice some of us have offered and take a step back, read the entire thread and then decide if you are treating the girls the same way you would treat Mason if he was older. This is not about money.

 

[mvazul]

First I apologize to Duffy, I thought a different poster offered. Now to my point, which you missed. You called a poster a rude name which you misspelled in your zeal to defend your decisions. You have made multiple errors during this thread and not one person has called you rude names or belittled you in order to drive an opinion home.

Many people have tried to explain why your thought process in regards to how you intend to allocate spending money to the children seems to be punitive towards your husbands children. Many times you have referred to them as his ex's kids. We are simply trying to make you understand that your husband is the father of these girls, just as he is Mason's father. If you truly want him to treat these girls as "the ex's kids" you should be very worried about Mason in the event the two of you divorce. When your son accompanies his new family on a vacation the money you give him to buy you a gift will not change the fact that he is an intrusion.

You can take the advice some of us have offered and take a step back, read the entire thread and then decide if you are treating the girls the same way you would treat Mason if he was older. This is not about money.

 

[gert]

and that is fine cuz thats where the "life isn't alway fair" rules applies...

Indeed! See also: this thread and the unfairness of you paying for this trip while the other mom isn't contributing enough to make you happy.

 

[ZehnJahren]

You haven't paid much attention to anything in this thread have you. I feel sorry for you and your family. I hope the girls' real mother doesn't have the issues you seem to have.

It is a lost cause, she doesn't seem to understand that point.

I've read the whole thread. As someone who grew up with a (now ex-)stepmom, I've refrained from commenting because the harshness of your tone when you talk about your step-girls hits a little too close to my bad memories as a kid.

Following along with this minefield now, simply for the entertainment.

But I have to question whether or not this is a "real poster."

Who would continue to dig deeper into something they are clearly being harangued over? And change their story many times? And argue with strangers instead of just abandoning the thread? And publicly prove themselves to be appear unable to use punctuation, and call people names (even spelling the name-calling incorrectly!)?

However, it's too much like a soap opera and I can't. look. away. I'll tell you though, if this was 25 years ago I can COMPLETELY imagine my own stepmother writing this craziness. *shudders*

 

[Nancyg56]

I've read the whole thread. As someone who grew up with a (now ex-)stepmom, I've refrained from commenting because the harshness of your tone when you talk about your step-girls hits a little too close to my bad memories as a kid.

We all have heard her tone and that is what we are responding to.

and that is fine cuz thats where the "life isn't alway fair" rules applies...

You say that because you have not experienced that little treat yet. My DH nephew moved in with us when he was 16. He was an only child, an only grandchild and an only nephew. DH and I saved to take the kids to WDW and at that time in order to take 6 people on a vacation that extended over Christmas through New Years Day we had to spend over $5000. Lots of money 20plus years ago. Anyway, we gave each kid spending money. DH nephew got a whole lot more from all the family members. I mean A LOT!!!!!!!!! Now we had no problem that Joey had more, h was older but this was an excessive amount. It was an issue.

Come back in 5 years and tell me you are happy to fork over money for spending knowing that your son now has less than the girls who should be grateful you are paying their freight to go on a vacation.

 

[STAYC18]

You keep asking for a simple answer and twisting every answer someone gives you!!!

Here is your simple answer to question:
NO bio-mom has NO OBLIGATION TO SEND ANY MONEY!!!! Its YOUR vacation.

Should you buy gifts for mom and (her family)... YES, don't spend a fortune, but a small gesture would be nice. I recall reading your posts that mom doesn't tell you much of what is going on on "her time", so I doubt you would know in advance if they took a mini trip. Wouldn't it make you feel good, if they brought a gift for your son!?

LOOK IN THE MIRROR HOW WOULD YOU WANT YOUR FAMILY TREATED!!!!

And if you want a successful marriage, drop the MINE-YOURS prospective. We also keep separate accounts (for the simple reason of not overdrawing accounts, or having to call each other to make sure we both aren't trying to use a large chuck of money resulting in an overdraft). So, technically I pay for ALL Vacations (I usually plan and book) I pay for all kid expenses (lets face it daddy doesn't go shopping), I buy the majority of the groceries (again I do the shopping), I pay the medical expenses (I'm the one taking them into the doctor office/picking up prescriptions)... But the reality of it is WE are a FAMILY... its OUR MONEY!!!! And it all comes out even in the end!

Do you split the bill w/ your husband when you go out to eat??? LOL...

Just my opinion again... but I think your trying to convince yourself that you love these girls, otherwise this would have never been a question in the first place, or at least not a 20+ page discussion trying to validate your opinion. Having said that, I also think it take a special person to marry (and take on the responsibility of someone else's kids).

I'm a kid of divorce myself... my step-dad treated me as his own. And opened his home to my father when we had special occasions (birthdays, graduations, etc)... he didn't like my father by any means, but he did it to make my life easier and more normal. my father's girlfriend (and her kids) had a lot in common with you! And I actually walked away from my father's family in my late teens (didn't talk to my dad for 2 years)... because of was tired of having to live two lives/two families. Fortunately, my dad saw what the girlfriend was doing to his family... and sent her on her way. My parents are divorced (don't like each other at all), but they are civil and maintain ONE FAMILY for us!

I also have a half sister... and have never referred to her as anything other than sister. Only once is 19 years has anyone ever referred to her as my Half Sister... And quiet honestly... I was very insulted! She is my sister!!!

Enjoy your trip!!!

believe me i know from divorce...my father married 2 other times my first step mother 2 twin boys from my dad, absolutly love her and still keep in contact to this day, she always invited to any family gatherings, she had kids from a previous marriage and we even closer to them (hangout, go to concerts together, everything you name it we do it with them) ...her and my mother get a long great always have...my mom would even take us to her house as kids,
my dad remarried again, this step mother not so great, its his family now...have 2 sister from that marriage..didn't talk to my father for years, now on speaking terms but nothing major. it's still his family, me and my sister are fine now that were older it doesn't bother us, we make to effort to meet up with them and that works...

the first step mother is the one i'm tring to be.. i have always included the girls mother to join us in things (like pack the kids up and go to the zoo, do things so they feel like a family) my getting along with her two other kids its exactly like me and my step moms previous child... i think that would be so awesome...i invited the mother to my son's first birthday party, Nope she wouldn't go and then wanted the girls home at 5 when the party ended at 4 and it take an hour to get them to her...how fair is that for husbands children to have to be ripped away from their brothers birthday... so its not me that resents these kids it their mother for resenting the fact that my husband has moved on... and she can't control the things you used to get away with anymore...

tell me this to all the ones who have x's...

Do you think a court order on visition and child support issues is something that should be done for the childrens sake...

I don't understand why no woman with children wouldn't have court appointed documents that specifically document everything on paper

SHE DOESN'T

my husband deposits said amount (no signed documents on this either) to her bank account every week and all his proof is a receipt back...

So
A. she is hiding something... (mandatory paternity test when filling for child support)..

B. she's scared she will have to document the amount of child support she gets--- which will stop her from getting food stamps ($936 a month) (kids told us), masshealth (free insurance) oh and this where the "What if the kids need glasses and braces" comes in, the state pays or it, and WIC she has two kids under 5, Yes, she's a stay at home mom that collect state benefits...

C. or she dosen"t what a court to tell her she is entitled to more of my husbands money than she is getting by a he/said she/said amount... cuz i'm sure $75 a week is not enough for 2 kids

I told him numerous times that this should all be done thru court but he won't listen... so all i can really do is sit back and let them handle the way they do...

 

[STAYC18]

We all have heard her tone and that is what we are responding to.



You say that because you have not experienced that little treat yet. My DH nephew moved in with us when he was 16. He was an only child, an only grandchild and an only nephew. DH and I saved to take the kids to WDW and at that time in order to take 6 people on a vacation that extended over Christmas through New Years Day we had to spend over $5000. Lots of money 20plus years ago. Anyway, we gave each kid spending money. DH nephew got a whole lot more from all the family members. I mean A LOT!!!!!!!!! Now we had no problem that Joey had more, h was older but this was an excessive amount. It was an issue.

Come back in 5 years and tell me you are happy to fork over money for spending knowing that your son now has less than the girls who should be grateful you are paying their freight to go on a vacation.

thats fine, but i know most likely they would be sent with $20 or dollars... so i'm not worried about matching it...

 

[Nancyg56]

Are you saying your husband pays $75 a week to support two children? Please tell me that I have misunderstood this.

 

[ccgirl]

believe me i know from divorce...my father married 2 other times my first step mother 2 twin boys from my dad, absolutly love her and still keep in contact to this day, she always invited to any family gatherings, she had kids from a previous marriage and we even closer to them (hangout, go to concerts together, everything you name it we do it with them) ...her and my mother get a long great always have...my mom would even take us to her house as kids,
my dad remarried again, this step mother not so great, its his family now...have 2 sister from that marriage..didn't talk to my father for years, now on speaking terms but nothing major. it's still his family, me and my sister are fine now that were older it doesn't bother us, we make to effort to meet up with them and that works...

the first step mother is the one i'm tring to be.. i have always included the girls mother to join us in things (like pack the kids up and go to the zoo, do things so they feel like a family) my getting along with her two other kids its exactly like me and my step moms previous child... i think that would be so awesome...i invited the mother to my son's first birthday party, Nope she wouldn't go and then wanted the girls home at 5 when the party ended at 4 and it take an hour to get them to her...how fair is that for husbands children to have to be ripped away from their brothers birthday... so its not me that resents these kids it their mother for resenting the fact that my husband has moved on... and she can't control the things you used to get away with anymore...

tell me this to all the ones who have x's...

Do you think a court order on visition and child support issues is something that should be done for the childrens sake...

I don't understand why no woman with children wouldn't have court appointed documents that specifically document everything on paper

SHE DOESN'T

my husband deposits said amount (no signed documents on this either) to her bank account every week and all his proof is a receipt back...

So
A. she is hiding something... (mandatory paternity test when filling for child support)..

B. she's scared she will have to document the amount of child support she gets--- which will stop her from getting food stamps ($936 a month) (kids told us), masshealth (free insurance) oh and this where the "What if the kids need glasses and braces" comes in, the state pays or it, and WIC she has two kids under 5, Yes, she's a stay at home mom that collect state benefits...

C. or she dosen"t what a court to tell her she is entitled to more of my husbands money than she is getting by a he/said she/said amount... cuz i'm sure $75 a week is not enough for 2 kids

I told him numerous times that this should all be done thru court but he won't listen... so all i can really do is sit back and let them handle the way they do...

Guess what ...it's up to him. It's his money; right? He can go to court too but maybe he doesn't want to because he knows he will have to pay more than $75 a week for two children. The state of MA has a nifty little calculator right online that you can use to find out how much he should be paying.

My sister married a man with a son from a previous relationship. They do not have custody or child support order. So far, it has always worked. Whey would my sister want to get involved in that.

If you are trying to be like your first stepmom you might want to try harder. From the sounds of your post you are not doing a great job of it.

Are you saying your husband pays $75 a week to support two children? Please tell me that I have misunderstood this.

I was thinking the same thing. $300 a month for two kids wouldn't even cover my children's extracurricular activites. Nevermind food and clothing.

 

[Alesia]

i'm pretty sure this means once their money is gone i should give them more cuz they didn't get anything for themselves

Now you're arguing with your own posts that someone else quoted??? Good lord, I can't keep up with you. This is the most bizarre thread I have ever read.

 

[tms295psu]

Are you saying your husband pays $75 a week to support two children? Please tell me that I have misunderstood this.

Ahhhh, and we are worrying about spending $20 on souvenirs!!!

 

[STAYC18]

That is NOT what anyone is saying. Responsible parents don't just "dish out money every time any of the kids want something". Trust me, it's all of the other stuff you have said that has brought me to my conclusion - in this thread and others. You are extremely defensive - even after so many people have given you very sound advice and suggestions. You twist everything to fit what YOU want to see.

You are deliberately arguing instead of taking a step back, re-reading this thread and seeing that so many are trying to help. You asked a question. Your original question was most definitely filled with resentment. You got answers to your question. It is not our fault you don't like the answers.

And I will ask you, again, how would your husband feel if he read this entire thread - or others that you have posted (you know, about not even wanting to take the girls in the first place)? I am not talking about your original question. How would he feel if he saw, in black and white, 21+ pages of your true feelings for his girls?

so i resent my step kids by wondering if their mother should give them money to pick up souvenirs for member of the family left at home... i'm pretty sure people said they would and people said they wouldn't...i think alot of people didn't understand what i was asking and assummed i wanted their mother to give them all their spending money (which i would never ask anyone to do if i was taking them on a trip), which clearly in post #3 i said we were giving them the money and it would be rather nice if she gave the gives money and said pick something out..rephrasing the question in Post #1, which got one reply when i realized it need to reworded differently...Exactly what i would do with my own kid..that's just me...and the people that said they wouldn't said that the dad should cover it..which is when i replied they can use their spending any way they choose for themselves or whom ever, but when its gone its gone, if they didn't decide to get their siblings something then by the end of the trip i would get a magnet/rice krispy treat before we left for them to give their mother/siblings....HOW IS THAT SHOWING I'M RESENTFUL TOWARDS ANYONE... so thats my plan all summed up in one post...and if my husband totally hates everything about Disney and I can't bring his kids with me again...Then me and my son are going by ourselves...and thats that... thank you and goodbye

 

[STAYC18]

Ahhhh, and we are worrying about spending $20 on souvenirs!!!

I was not worrying over $20 dollars... i just wanted to know if a mother with a child and ex would do something like that...

what is so wrong about the original question I asked?

 

[STAYC18]

Guess what ...it's up to him. It's his money; right? He can go to court too but maybe he doesn't want to because he knows he will have to pay more than $75 a week for two children. The state of MA has a nifty little calculator right online that you can use to find out how much he should be paying.

My sister married a man with a son from a previous relationship. They do not have custody or child support order. So far, it has always worked. Whey would my sister want to get involved in that.

If you are trying to be like your first stepmom you might want to try harder. From the sounds of your post you are not doing a great job of it.



I was thinking the same thing. $300 a month for two kids wouldn't even cover my children's extracurricular activites. Nevermind food and clothing.

i told my husband, i"m more than happy to take over another bill in order for this to all be legal...so i'ts not him by any means...

 

[Alesia]

what is so wrong about the original question I asked?

It wasn't what you asked, but how you asked it that upset so many people. You came off as hateful and resentful of your stepdaughters. When you didn't get the answers you wanted you tried to play the "I just asked an innocent question" card, but it was too late - everyone had already seen through you.

 

[STAYC18]

Guess what ...it's up to him. It's his money; right? He can go to court too but maybe he doesn't want to because he knows he will have to pay more than $75 a week for two children. The state of MA has a nifty little calculator right online that you can use to find out how much he should be paying.

My sister married a man with a son from a previous relationship. They do not have custody or child support order. So far, it has always worked. Whey would my sister want to get involved in that.

If you are trying to be like your first stepmom you might want to try harder. From the sounds of your post you are not doing a great job of it.

I was thinking the same thing. $300 a month for two kids wouldn't even cover my children's extracurricular activites. Nevermind food and clothing.

How so... cuz I didn't know that being a step parent i would have to bring back mementos to my step children's half siblings... oh wait some folks said i shouldn't have to... its pretty said how people can you feel when you just ask a question on something your new at and just want to make sure the girls have a great time..

 

[crashbb]

i told my husband, i"m more than happy to take over another bill in order for this to all be legal...so i'ts not him by any means...

How does that make it "not him by any means"? Unless he's actually tried to go to court to set-up child support, it absolutely is on him (as well as his ex-wife).