sorry can't post this here.

[Kate and Pete]

Here's my advice: first thing in the morning tomorrow, get yourself into a counselor. These issues and feelings are all too big to be dealing with on your own. Get it all out, have an objective person help you with your next steps. You might end up bring your husband to the sessions with you, you might not. But you need to go, for yourself, right away.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

First I am sorry for your loss. I know you are very emotional right now.
But since you wanted advice, here goes.

Your mother was an adult, she chose not to take care of herself. It was not your job to parent your parent. Please re-read your original post. All of the things your mom had done in the past, now that she has passed, you have justified away in some way. That is from grief. It is normal to grieve and want to have happy memories of lost loved ones. But people are human and they make mistakes and they hurt us. It sounds as though your mom was a troubled woman and that many of you suffered for it.
Don't take it out on your husband. It sounds as though he saw her flaws very clearly and felt that he need to defend you against her behavior. Blaming your husband will not make the situation with your mother better. Please make no rash decisions. Grief gives people ALOT of anger and it sounds as though you are turning the anger on the person closest to you --your husband. Even though really, you are mad at your mom.

 

[angwill]

OP, What I think you are feeling now is the anger we feel when someone we love dies.

I do feel you are taking out your anger on your DH so that you are not mad at your mother for not taking care of herself and being there for you and your children. It's easier to take it out on DH because if you were angry at your DM you would feel guilty because she is not there. It was ultimatly your decision not your DH's to stop pushing her to do something she never would. In my opinion, you did nothing wrong.

Your mother was an adult and if she chose not to take care of her health that was her choice and there is nothing at all you or anyone else could do to change that decision. You did what you could for her and were there for her as much as you could be. Eventually, I hope you come to that conclusion when you get to the stage of acceptance.

I hate to say this but it sounds like you were there for her a lot more than she was there for you and you should never guilt yourself for your decisions. Whatever she went through as a child you were still her child and your children were her granchildren and you deserved to have her there for you as a mother and grandmother. Again, those were her choices and there was nothing you could do to change it.

It really sounds like it would be best if you got some therapy to work out the anger and place it where it belongs. This way even if you do choose to leave your DH at least it will be confident in that decision and it will be for the right reason.

Good luck and please know you are not alone. Lots of people are letting their health suffer due to the state of health care. There are also lots of people who choose not to be their for their children and grandchildren for whatever reason.

 

[SOnotLayuh]

I've been studying marriage therapy for a few years and have met and worked with some people who were going through situations similar to what you've said you're going through. Everyone's situation is different, but I really believe that you would benefit greatly from some counseling with your DH. Like a PP said, if he is not willing to go I would still emphasize that you should. There is no shame to seeking therapy - it can be highly beneficial.

Good luck with everything - we DISers have your back

 

[cheshireqt]

First of all , no matter what the relationship it is difficult to lose a parent.
You are reeling from your loss right now and it is natural to go through the many stages of grief -anger, -sadness, -guilt, -profound sense of loss, -processing all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" etc. Everyone grieves differently and goes through stages in different sequence and sometimes even feels all of those at once, which appears you do. That is a huge amount of emotion to deal with and would fracture some people! Without knowing your full story with DH it appears from your post that as a coping mechanism you are directing a substantial amount of your anger at him as a way to deal with everything you are feeling. You may feel very differently in the future about DH and about your Mother. Especially when you realize it is not in any way your fault that things turned out the way they did and all the what ifs in the world are not going to change anything and torturing yourself with it is only hurting you and your immediate family. You may even be pushing DH away by not allowing him to offer you support or comfort in the here and now. Examine it, test it and see if that is the case. Canceling the future family trip may be an indicator of that, or it may not - only you know that. But whatever the case I agree with pps DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS ABOUT DH AND YOUR MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW! However hard that may be right now you need to process your feelings about your Mother as a separate issue than your feelings about DH.
Sending more hugs to you

 

[TexasTom]

I don't have any advice. Just a lot of hugs for you.

 

[cheriemek]

My mom passed away a few years ago. I had always had a difficult relationship with her. She hated doctors, and refused to be treated. Once a rescue squad was called to the home, but since she was coherent and said she wouldn't go, they couldn't take her. I don't feel guilty. She didn't want help. You definitely should not feel guilty. Think of yourself - if you made crazy decisions, could you hold your kids liable for them? Pixie dust for you and your family.

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP:
I am so sorry for your loss.
Anytime there is a personal loss, you need time to heal....You are on overdrive emotionally and need time to unwind and then make decisions about how you really feel. Are you really feeling adrift with your dh or is it just overload and in grief that is taking over.
Perhaps speaking with someone you can work thru it as resentment whether placed at his door or not, whether valid or not is not healthy for you.
So, my wish for you is that you will work thru this tragedy and then heal and then work thru what is ailing you.
Again, sorry you lost your mom. I really do understand, I also lost my mom about same age, from heart disease (she had a triple bypass that lasted the ten years) and then had to have another................very sad outcome........ gut wrenching time for our family, it still lingers.... Anyway, I just want to send your way!

 

[Marymom]

I am sorry for your loss. You need to realize that even if you had done everything right and had the perfect relationship with your Mom, you would still feel like it wasn't enough. We want the meaningful, loving sick bed scenes depicted on television. Its not real life. Remember the good times and forgive yourself and your husband. It gets easier.