sorry can't post this here.

[mommy22pumpkins]

thanks for all the advice. I do not want this posted in a public forum anymore but thanks to all who replied. It really means alot to me.

 

[Avonlady1001]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to give you . So sorry for your loss.

 

[krystalleigh1]

I don't have any advice but just want to send (((Hugs)) to you.

Anytime I have lost someone I love I always have the debate with myself about what I should have done and could have done. Should I have visited my grandpa more while he was still alive? Should I have done more? Should I have said I loved them more? But it doesn't help to beat yourself up about it.

And even IF your mother would have gotten that cardiac cath she could have died on the operating table or shortly afterward. And even that may not have saved her.

Try not to beat yourself up about what you could have or should have done. You never know if that would have even helped, and if she would have even accepted your help. Just try to remember the good times you had with her. And it may help to have someone to talk to. Maybe a counselor can help you work through this better.

((Hugs))

 

[Hannathy]

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom it is never easy no matter the relationship good or bad. I've lost both my parents so I know where you are at right now.

First you are very hurt right now and grieving DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH right now. Make no lasting Decisions!

Second as much as you want to beat yourself up and it is hard to comprehend now Your Mom was an adult. We can help and prod but we can't live another adults life for them. Just as we don't want them to try and run our lives.
She made her own decisions for her own reasons, just as you have made your own decisions.

Don't try to look to far into the future right now, just get thru the initial grief and hug your kids. As unbelievable as it seems now it will get easier, it won't be quick but it will slowly start to get easier.

Time really is the great healer. try to think of the good things and it is OK to hurt.

 

[EdiePA]

You don't know that a cardiac cath would have solved everything. She still would have needed to do the follow-up and all of that.

I think you're projecting your anger at not being able to help your Mom onto your husband. He may have been telling you what you wanted to/needed to hear at the time.

Take a deep breath and give yourself sometime to grieve all of this before you make a major life decision. Trust me, I've been through a divorce, and the grass is not always greener on this side.

Hugs,
Edie

 

[sk!mom]

I'm very sorry about your mom's passing.

I think that you are understandably very emotional right now. I think you should take some time to get through this loss and then seek some counseling with your Dh.

I do have to say that I think you are being unfair to him by blaming him for decisions that you made. If he advised you to take steps that you now regret then remember this the next time he's giving you advice but ultimatly the decisions were yours and I don't think it's fair to heap the blame on him.

Give yourself, and him, a break. We can want those around us to get medical help or take better care of themselves but you (nor him) could force them.

 

[dmslush]

You are directing your hurt and anger at him, and he probably does deserve some of it... BUT, like the previous posters said, do not do anything rash or make any huge decisions right now.

 

[ktlm]

First, quit beating yourself up and blaming yourself or your husband for what happened to your mother. It is not your or your husband's fault. Your mother may have refused to go to a doctor no matter what you did, and she may never have followed doctor's advice. The doctors weren't going to see her or treat her because you wanted them to, she would have to go and agree to whatever treatment they recommended herself. I have a stubborn mother that you can talk to until you are blue in the face and she is going to do what she wants to do and she hates doctors. Your mother is a grown up and her own person, and you and your husband are not responsible for the fact that she did not get medical care. Plus, nothing even doctors did might have saved her, even if they did everything right, which you can't even guarantee they would have. My father's life would most likely have been saved with a simple chest X-ray. My father coughed for years, but because he had never smoked in his life the doctors told him it was allergies and never did a chest X-ray regardless of the fact that no allergy medicines ever stopped his cough and the fact that he went to the doctor every 2-3 months for check-ups because he had controlled kidney disease. He had lung cancer caused by second hand smoke (the guy who worked at the desk next to his for years, back when you could smoke in the office, was a pretty heavy smoker). They didn't catch it until it had progressed to the point that he only had a couple of months left. It is easy to slip into what ifs, or blame, but it doesn't do anyone any good. Your mother would not want you to blame yourself.

Second, right now you are an emotional basket case due to your mother's death. Now is not the time to make any decisions regarding your marriage. Plus, from what you posted, it looks to me like your husband resented your mother because he loves you. He wanted you to be treated as if you were the most important thing in the world, and that didn't happen. My Dad did not care much for my grandma for the same reason- she tended to be a bit self centered and sometimes did hurtful things because of it, and it did cause some stress in my family. He gets angry because he loves you so much and wants your family to treat you better. It probably drives him nuts when he sees you trying so hard with them, and they aren't treating you the way he thinks you deserve to be treated. He doesn't like to see you hurt. Frankly, and I am not trying to hurt you, but it sounds like you have issues because of the way you were treated growing up, and you are putting walls up or taking them out on your husband because you are insecure or afraid of getting hurt. I'm saying this because that is exactly what my Mom did to my Dad. If that is the case, you need to step back and think about it. Maybe get some counseling. I don't want to see you mess up a good thing because of your upbringing- luckily my Dad understood my mother and stood by her and gave her space when she lashed out. Really think about whether what you are doing right now is taking out your grief by lashing out at a husband who loves you and was trying to do what he thought was best for you.

My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. Please, don't make any decisions about your marriage until everything settles down. In a few months, if you still feel the same way, then maybe try some marriage counseling and think about whether you really want to stay in the marriage. Now is not the time to make any lasting decisions. I wish you and your family the best.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I think that you are understandably very emotional right now. I think you should take some time to get through this loss and then seek some counseling with your Dh.

And if he won't go, you go by yourself. You need someone to talk to.

 

[eyor44]

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother.

I think you have a couple seperate issues you are dealing with right now.

1 - your mother's death.

2 - the fact that you are in the health care profession and you couldn't help your mother. My mother is the same way. She has health issues but ignores most of them. I can only do so much. Don't blame yourself for her death. You did what you could and from the sounds of it, you did a lot. You can only do so much for a person, but they have to take the final step.

3 - your Husband. Sounds like you all have issues and you need to work through them. Don't blame him for your mother's death or your lack of help to her. Granted he may not have "helped" you, but he didn't prevent you either. He just basically told you what he would do.

Take some time and work through the funeral and all first. Let everything settle and then work on your relationship.

As for Disney. If you can't afford it then don't go or if you really feel the need to go, then try to curb costs. Financial strain doesn't help a relationship.

Prayers for your family and you.

 

[balletmom97]

OP-

It is natural (and easy) to try and place blame after a loss. The "what ifs?" can go on forever. Try not to get sucked into that downward spiral of thinking.

It seems to me that your mother was aware of risk and she made a choice. She was ready to move on from this world. Focus on being thankful that she was at peace with the end, which is often not the case.

It is okay to take time to mourn. It is okay to tell hubby and kids that you are having a hard time right now and ask them to just bear with you.

Seeking out professional counseling is a great idea! There are groups that deal with families following a death--something like that would allow you to go alone, or with other family members should they decide to join you. Ask your doctor, or the hospital chaplain, for a referral....

PPs have given some great advice--namely, don't make any lasting decisions. Be honest that you are having a hard time and that you are working towards a new normalcy.

You won't ever stop missing your mom, and you may not ever stop wishing you had done some things differently. But, as time passes, missing her will be less painful. Really- hard to believe now, but you will reach a time where thinking about her gives you a pleasant feeling, rather than the pain and guilt you feel now. It just takes some time.

You can make it through this dark place!

 

[wdwfan16]

You mother was an adult and she had a DH. It was their job to do this if they wanted. She showed that she did not and sadly died as a result. Your DH is not the bad guy in this case.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

You need professional counseling. Trust me. I've been through a lot of guilt, and I know the only way to get through it is to beat yourself up and then to seek some help. The one person who isn't at fault for your mom is your husband. He didn't make it ok for you to walk away from your mom, you did. He is not to blame for your actions, you are an adult, you are responsible for everything you do and everything that comes out of your mouth. That is not to say that you deserve to feel like crap - I don't think that. Blaming your husband doesn't fix anything, but it breaks a lot of things.

 

[badblackpug]

I will use the old adage, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

You did a lot to try to help your mother, but she, for whatever reason, decided not to heed that advice. You are not responsible for the ultimate decline in her health, she is. Stop beating yourself up about it. You did what you could do.

As for your relationship with your husband, I think there is a lot of history that we just don't know. I think a lot of the issues probably have come to the surface because of your mother's death. I agree that marriage counseling is probably a good idea.

Just get through each day. Don't make any long term decisions while you are still very emotionally fragile.

 

[JamesMom]

Wanted to give you a hug

I just lost my mom five weeks ago so I understand a little of what you are feeling. My mom didn't get along with many people in her life either. God bless and if you need to pm - I'm here.

 

[TnTWalter]

And if he won't go, you go by yourself. You need someone to talk to.

I agree with everyone else.

Big [[[[[[HUGS]]]]] to you.

And see a counselor. Don't worry about Disney right now. Take care of you.

 

[Gr8t Fan]

.

 

[momejay]

My mom had cancer & was very near the end. I had small children to care for. I knew she was dying in the other room & have such guilt for not being there in the room with her. I felt at the time it was better for me to console the children as whatever happened it would be with them forever.
When I got the kids away from the house, I went in her room. She was screaming at me for sending the kids away, but I couldn't take care of both her & the kids. The hospice nurse called to check on things before the end of her shift. She expected my mom to pass before the shift was over, but she didn't. She instructed me to give her a specific medication. I gave the medicine. My mom's pain stopped but so did her ability to communicate. I have always felt that I missed precious moments with my mom.
I was angry & blamed my X-husband & his family for not coming to get the kids sooner. Today I realize, it wouldn't have changed the fact that my mom was going to die & it really wasn't their fault. I still feel that I did the right thing. I am thankful that my X-inlaws even showed up at all to help.
I wouldn't make any decisions while still grieving over your mom. I also wouldn't blame yourself. I have always wondered if I hadn't given her that medicine, would I have been able to have a quality conversation? Did I give the wrong thing? Did I give too much? It is all a part of grieving. You are just to the part about being angry & blaming everyone. Acceptance comes much later. Give yourself time!
In my case...My mom could have investigated the pain in her side sooner. The doctor could have missed a bit too much during the first 2 surgeries. She didn't have to refuse any more chemo & go to WDW instead.
Could have...would have...should have...How do we ever know if any choice we make if it is the right one?

 

[Teacher03]

When my mom was dying of cancer, my dad was a selfish you know what. He never thought once that my sisters and I were losing our mom, it was all about him. I was so angry, I felt I couldn't fully grieve for my mom. I'm still angry with him, and blame him for many things that are probably not his fault. It's not a good feeling. I guess my advice is to give yourself time to grieve,and then make some decisions (regarding your husband.) Things may become clearer as time passes. But do not feel guilty. It sounds as if you did everything you could. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[poohfriend]

But from your post, it sounds like you have anger you have at your mom for:

1) having time to volunteer and pray for her church, but not the time to be involved in the lives of your family
and
2) not getting medical treatment

it also sounds like because you cannot yell at your mom, you'd like to yell at your husband. Please please please don't allow your anger to ruin your marriage because you say you've been happy with him.

you're in a very emotional time of your life. mourn the loss of your mom and let go of the great guilt you seem to have because you couldn't fix your mom's health. Even with some help from your husband, the circumstances may not have been a bit different. I can understand your irritation at your hubby for wanting you to write her off....but maybe he was irritated at her for not appreciating his wife/ woman he loves.

Somtimes forgiveness isn't earned because someone is sorry for what they did...sometimes forgiveness is a choice. Get counseling. It is so worth every penny with a good counselor!

hugs to you as you deal with the loss of your mom.