Son's wedding

[CJHussey924]

I got married in September 2010. My parents offered us a set amount of money for the wedding or double the amount for part of a down payment on a house. We choose to the double amount and paid for the entire wedding ourselves. Weddings are incredibly expensive and by us paying for it on our own we were able to get what WE wanted and what WE could afford.

Three years later and neither of us regrets the decision that we made. WE have a beautiful home and memories from a fabulous party that we hosted our own way.

Good Luck!

 

[Nevergrow'nup]

Thanks for the answers everyone!!

I think we will offer a set amount for the wedding for them to spend as needed. It will be a small wedding with a backyard reception.

We will have the rehearsal dinner probably at my home as they are trying to keep it low-key.
Is it a new thing to pay for the wedding party tuxes?? We always paid for our own when we were in weddings too many years ago to count...

Again thanks for all the advice. Trying to start this adventure on smooth ground

 

[purpledisneyprncess]

For my wedding, my parents contributed what they could. My mom paid some towards my dress and my dad (they are divorced) gave about $8k for the food/reception hall. My DH's parents paid for the Rehearsal dinner and also gave us a couple thousand and we chose to take a honeymoon with that!

When our children are at the age where marriage is a thought, DH & I agree we will give each of the kids a set amount and they can do what they want with it: whether it be to put towards a home, a wedding, a honeymoon, etc. I work with a guy who took out $25k from his retirement account for his daughter and his ex wife paid another $50k... the wedding his daughter had was as insane amount of money.... I would never shell out that kind of $ for their weddings. Hopefully my kids won't expect us to, either. lol

I saw your most recent post that you decided to put aside a set amount for them and also hold the rehearsal dinner..that sounds like a great idea!

 

[Good Morning Dewdrop]

It's been 25 years since we got married. My DHs parents paid for a rehearsal dinner and groom's cake. They paid for the tuxes for the wedding. The rest of it was paid by my parents. Our wedding cost no more than $5000 altogether.

We had a $5,000 budget from my parents and stuck to it. DH is English - his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, their hotel rooms (his parents and brother for a week) and the flowers (Dh's dad actually ordered them from Holland and did the flower arranging - heaven knows how much that cost!).

We didn't have a honeymoon - couldn't afford it at the time and then kept postponing it...

Do (as others have said) decide what you can pay for and stick to that. $5k wasn't a huge budget for a wedding but we made it work. We have wonderful memories from the day and nobody had to go into debt over it!

 

[kymom99]

We gave my step daughter an amount we could afford towards her wedding. She and her husband paid the rest, I assume. I don't know what his parents paid for, other than the rehearsal dinner.

I got married twice. The first time, in 1989, my parents paid for all of it. My ex-in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner. For my second wedding, we had a small wedding. My parents paid for the dinner and my in-laws paid for the bar bill. We paid for the rest.

Last year my niece had a beautiful wedding spending a very small amount of money. My sister and BIL would have paid much more, but the kids are conservative with their money and didn't want to waste it. We made a home-made dessert bar as one way to save a bundle.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

My son is getting married Sept. 27th and I am hosting the rehearsal dinner. Her parents are taking care of the flowers. My son and future daughter-in-law have paid for the rest. I have gotten them their Wedding Mickey Ears because they are going to Disney for their honeymoon and I have a welcome basket going to Coronado Springs where they are staying. I gave my son 6 small diamonds from a ring that I had so he could put them on her engagement ring. I paid for the pet sitter for their dog and my dog for the day of the wedding and then I am babysitting their dog. I have tried to do alot of small things in addition to the rehearsal dinner and diamonds for her ring.

 

[Snoozan]

My DS just got married this past June. My DH & I gave them a lump sum, which they used towards the caterer, and we then also paid for the rehearsal dinner and the booze for the happy hour at the reception. I kept track of what I paid so someday when DS #2 gets married, he'll get the same amount of money - to be used towards what he wants: wedding, honeymoon, down payment on house.

We gave what we could comfortably give and were happy to do it.

 

[bdcp]

I tried to post from work earlier but something ate it lol

My DS got married in April. They wanted a small and simple wedding because that's who they are plus her parents couldn't pay for an expensive one. DH and I gave them cash to pay for the open bar, flowers, and the outside ceremony. Her parents bought her dress and gave her money her grandmother had put away for her. Their budget was about 10K and they stuck to it. Between what her parents and us gave them, they paid for about 1/2 themselves. They were 26 and had been on their own for a while. We also paid for the rehearsal dinner which costs what the open bar at the reception did. They found a great caterer at a good price and did the table decorations themselves. No band, just music. They paid for the photographer and had a photo booth which was a huge hit. They had a groupon for the booth which made it really affordable.

Now, we just need to find older DS someone. I jokingly told him to find a rich girl lol

 

[runwad]

I'm glad to see people saying the old tradition of girls family pays for everything is going the way of the dinosaur. I was from a family of 5 kids, 4 girls. No way could my parents pay for all our weddings. What they did for all 5 of us is: Dad bought the booze (top shelf of course) and they paid for the luncheon in between the wedding and reception. This was at our house as there were relatives who lived an hour away and would need something to do in between.

When I got married 22 years ago my DH and I paid for everything else and his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. That would've been fine but a few years later when DH's sister got married his parents paid for ALL her wedding. I gotta admit this rubbed me wrong as they didn't offer their son any help knowing my parents couldn't afford any more than they did.

So I'm glad to see people keeping it even between the sexes. We have a long while hopefully until our kids are ready for marriage, but I like the whole give them a set amount and let them use it how they may.

 

[aubriee]

Thanks for the answers everyone!!

I think we will offer a set amount for the wedding for them to spend as needed. It will be a small wedding with a backyard reception.

We will have the rehearsal dinner probably at my home as they are trying to keep it low-key.
Is it a new thing to pay for the wedding party tuxes?? We always paid for our own when we were in weddings too many years ago to count...

Again thanks for all the advice. Trying to start this adventure on smooth ground

Good luck! My elder son had been married about eight years when he and his first wife got a divorce. A few years later he married my current D-I-L. I had met her a few times, but didn't really know her that well. It was her first marriage but my son's second. My son called me and asked if I would pay for the rehearsal dinner and the band for the reception. Since he was 30 y/o and she was 27 y/o, I was sort of surprised. They both had good jobs, making more money than me and my son had already told me her dad was a cheapskate and refused to pay anything on the wedding and that they were going to pay for it all themselves. Her mom did slip them some money (without her dad's knowledge) to help out though. Anyway, I told my son I would pay for the rehearsal dinner and then pay half on the band she wanted (the band was like $1000.00). Anyway, shortly before the wedding this girl called me, told me she had decided on a Carribean cruise for a honeymoon, and it would be this amount. I was speechless for a minute. Again I had met her a few times, but didn't know her that well and this was the first time she had ever called me. She'd apparently gotten my number out of my son's phone. Anyway, I asked her if she was sure they could afford it. She then proceeded to tell me that 'of course' I was expected to pay for it as the groom's parents always pay for the honeymoon and they needed the check ASAP. I was shocked that this girl I had met only a few times would have the gall to just inform me of her honeymoon plans and that she wanted me to write her a check for several thousand dollars plus wanted it immediately. Everything about that phone call just rubbed me the wrong way. I informed her in no uncertain terms that wasn't happening, especially since this was his second wedding. Her response was it was her first though. I told her I knew that and from what my son said, her parents weren't paying a dime on their wedding, even though they had alot more money than we did. We were already paying more than they were, so why was she demanding even more from us. It was our first argument (though not the last) and not a very good way to start off with a new mother-in-law. I hung up on her and called my son, who apologized. He said they had talked about a Carribean honeymoon, but he'd told her they couldn't afford it, so she'd asked him to call me to ask for the money, and when he refused, she apparently decided to do so on her own. Needless to say my first impressions of this girl were not good and I was not expecting 'smooth ground' the rest of the way.

 

[englishteacha]

We were married 11 years ago. My husband had a very small inheritance from his grandmother that we used toward our wedding. Our parents didn't have the funds to pay for a wedding so it was really on us. His dad did our rehearsal dinner-we had pizza in the church hall. DH's step-mother had a coupon and got pizza, drinks, and dessert for 20 people for under $50. My parents gave us a few hundred dollars for food (my family did our "catering"-it was pretty close to a pot luck. I have lots of sisters who cook!). Our whole celebration came to around $2200. I will say, though, most weddings I've attended have been church or backyard weddings with a reception at a VFW or Legion hall or in a tent. It must be a frugal New Englander thing.

So I've decided that when Z gets married in 20 years or so, we'll give her a set amount to help pay for whatever celebration she decides to have. It won't be a huge amount, but something to get started with.

 

[mm1971]

Just wondering how others have handled the expenses and helping to pay? The reception will be in parents backyard. We are planning to meet with her parents soon but am still trying to get used to the idea.

When we got married 17 years ago, my in-laws provided a certain amount of money (worked out to be about 60%) and the rest was our responsibility. My parents paid for the flowers and gave us money towards our honeymoon. It was still considered pretty much traditional that the bride's parent pay for the wedding from what I remember, but my in-laws do not have much $$. I'm not sure if that has changed since then.

Personally, I would see what they expect to pay before making any offers. Then help out where you can if needed. I think it really depends on the family and their expectations/financial position. I have a beautiful 10 yo DD and consider her wedding to be the final chapter in my raising a strong, confident, independent woman. I will pay for her wedding when the day arrives and be proud to do so. I know others are not in a position (who knows, I may not be either by then) to do that, but it is how I feel.

 

[luvmy3]

We got married 17 years ago and my father paid for our entire wedding. Dh and I haven't really discussed what we would do for our own kids but I imagine we will just give each of them a set amount of money and let them choose what to use it for. While I would love to be able to pay for my dd's dream wedding I will not go into debt or risk my financial well being for it. And with 2 dses I wouldn't feel right if I didn't do the same for them so no way could I afford 3 weddings! I'd actually like to talk them into having a very small intimate Disney wedding for just them and us parents

 

[SamSam]

Thanks for the answers everyone!!
Is it a new thing to pay for the wedding party tuxes?? We always paid for our own when we were in weddings too many years ago to count...

Again thanks for all the advice. Trying to start this adventure on smooth ground

We paid for the tuxes because most were still working on their Master Degree's and didn't have income yet, they were also traveling quite a distance to be in the wedding. We paid for the tuxes because we wanted to not because it's an expected expense for the groom's parents. Really, don't feel you 'have' to...it was a totally personal decision on our part to pay for the tuxes.

 

[LJSquishy]

If you want to contribute to the wedding, just choose a set amount you feel comfortable with. The bride & groom should pay for the wedding they want & can afford. Most people don't go by "traditional" roles anymore as far as who pays for what.

My husband and I had a very cheap wedding because we didnt have a lot of money. My parents paid for my dress alterations ($100) and also table linens (approx $70). My in-laws paid for our wedding cake ($150) as a gift. My sister donated her time as a florist to assemble our wedding flowers as a gift. My dress was one of the "$99 dress sale" dresses from David's Bridal...I didn't like it but I pretended to love it because it was what we could afford and didn't feel right about my parents spending more money.

Our wedding was very simple and so was the reception. We just had cake, punch, and a few snacks like nuts & I made homemade wedding mints & homemade taffy. We put all our money into our honeymoon and went to Maui & Oahu. If we could do it over again we'd just elope and save the money!

 

[curtis_lake]

When our son got married a few years ago, DIL parents were not in a position financially to help them. We said we would pay for the rehearsal dinner, bar at reception and band. They were thrilled and asked if they could borrow some mine for the wedding and pay us back after the wedding with the money they receive. We said yes, however when they came back from their honeymoon and they got their money in order they wanted to pay us back. Fortunately we were in a position to financially give them money and told them they didn't have to pay us back and use the money for a down payment on a house. They were very appreciative and did purchase their first home shortly afterwards. We feel they had a very budget conscious wedding and made their selections on what THEY could afford not what would be given to them.

We are now very proud grandparents of two wonderful grandsons from them!

 

[Mom2apirate&princess]

Dh and I were married 17 years ago, we were both 20 and had no money. He was newly enlisted in the military & I was working as a CNA. I didn't want to wait a year to save for a big wedding & eventually my dad asked me what wanted to do. I told him I just wanted to marry dh and I didn't care where it was, JOP, etc... He suggested we go to Las Vegas. This was before internet so I called information in LV and asked for a number to any wedding chapel, booked it and a few months later we to Vegas, with our parents, siblings and my grandparents (17 in total) and got married. I had the big dress, my dad walked me down the aisle, and we had lunch with everyone afterwards at a nearby buffet. I think the wedding package was $400 & my parents paid for that along with $200 for my dress (I paid for the other half myself). My parents also picked up the tab for everyone's lunch. Dh's parents gave us $400 to help with expenses.

We had no money for a honeymoon and dh had no leave so we spent an extra day in Vegas, but were too young to gamble or drink

Definitely not the wedding I dreamed of as a kid, but looking back it really was the right choice for us.

9 years later we flew to Hawaii and renewed our vows on a beach with just the two of us, a preacher & photographer. Both events were perfect.

I have two kids, one of each, and our PLAN is to give them both a set amount... thinking $10K and letting them use it how they want.

 

[disykat]

I think that parents paying for weddings was a tradition that came from very outdated traditions when people married right out of childhood. It was assumed that parents of the groom were helping him get started in a career and a home while parents of the bride would set them up with the wedding and household goods. The couple became adults AT the wedding, not before, so the parents carried the responsibility of providing for them and being the "hosts" of their wedding.

I'm paying for my boys to get started in a career (college costs) so I guess I'm living up to that, but I'd be doing the same if I had girls. The wedding is something that they will do once they were financially independent adults. DH and I will try to give a generous gift for their wedding and they can use it as they see fit, but we don't plan on being too involved in wedding plans - certainly not something we'll be the ones "hosting."

I don't know very many people these days who aren't already at adult status prior to marrying. Most have already gotten a good start on their adult lives, are functioning more independently, and are ready to "host" their own wedding. IMO, help from families should be an optional gift, not some sort of responsibility.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thanks for the answers everyone!!

I think we will offer a set amount for the wedding for them to spend as needed. It will be a small wedding with a backyard reception.

We will have the rehearsal dinner probably at my home as they are trying to keep it low-key.
Is it a new thing to pay for the wedding party tuxes?? We always paid for our own when we were in weddings too many years ago to count...

Again thanks for all the advice. Trying to start this adventure on smooth ground

My daughter was married 4 years ago, and we gave them a set amount for the wedding. It did wind up being a little more than planned, but it was doable. The groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, and he paid for the honeymoon.

Regarding tuxes/etc., we chose to pay for the bridemaids' dresses, and the groom paid for the tux rentals. Based on our experience (both DD and our SiL were in several weddings), that was not common. We didn't want anybody to be out any money due to being part of the wedding party. We also rented a bed & breakfast for the bridesmaids' stay (it had a swimming pool and hot tub that my daughter and the other girls really enjoyed after the rehearsal dinner). We wanted them to feel like guests instead of having to stress over what it cost them.

Good luck! My elder son had been married about eight years when he and his first wife got a divorce. A few years later he married my current D-I-L. I had met her a few times, but didn't really know her that well. It was her first marriage but my son's second. My son called me and asked if I would pay for the rehearsal dinner and the band for the reception. Since he was 30 y/o and she was 27 y/o, I was sort of surprised. They both had good jobs, making more money than me and my son had already told me her dad was a cheapskate and refused to pay anything on the wedding and that they were going to pay for it all themselves. Her mom did slip them some money (without her dad's knowledge) to help out though. Anyway, I told my son I would pay for the rehearsal dinner and then pay half on the band she wanted (the band was like $1000.00). Anyway, shortly before the wedding this girl called me, told me she had decided on a Carribean cruise for a honeymoon, and it would be this amount. I was speechless for a minute. Again I had met her a few times, but didn't know her that well and this was the first time she had ever called me. She'd apparently gotten my number out of my son's phone. Anyway, I asked her if she was sure they could afford it. She then proceeded to tell me that 'of course' I was expected to pay for it as the groom's parents always pay for the honeymoon and they needed the check ASAP. I was shocked that this girl I had met only a few times would have the gall to just inform me of her honeymoon plans and that she wanted me to write her a check for several thousand dollars plus wanted it immediately. Everything about that phone call just rubbed me the wrong way. I informed her in no uncertain terms that wasn't happening, especially since this was his second wedding. Her response was it was her first though. I told her I knew that and from what my son said, her parents weren't paying a dime on their wedding, even though they had alot more money than we did. We were already paying more than they were, so why was she demanding even more from us. It was our first argument (though not the last) and not a very good way to start off with a new mother-in-law. I hung up on her and called my son, who apologized. He said they had talked about a Carribean honeymoon, but he'd told her they couldn't afford it, so she'd asked him to call me to ask for the money, and when he refused, she apparently decided to do so on her own. Needless to say my first impressions of this girl were not good and I was not expecting 'smooth ground' the rest of the way.

This would NOT have been a good start, and you son may be in for a rough time.

 

[2disneyboys]

16 years ago DH and I paid most of our wedding costs (including wedding party expenses). My inlaws paid for a photographer We also bought our home within 3 months, so between wedding costs and new home downpayment and new home furnishings we did not go on a honeymoon. My parents were not in a financial position to help pay.

I have 2 boys so when the time comes they will be offered the same lump sum amount to do with as they please. However, the brain washing of how *awesome* a destination wedding would be has shamelessly begun