Son is behind- Advice?

[dreamer17555]

I don’t talk about my son here often. I mentioned once on the family board that I was worried because he wasn’t talking yet (He is 20 Months). His doctor said he was behind but there was nothing they could do until he turned 3. Something about that didn’t sound right and thanks to some wonderful advice here I found a program through our state to evaluate him and that offers treatment through our insurance.

Friday they came out and did the evaluation- and I was crushed. He is right on track for gross motor but showing at 10 months for fine motor and receptive language, and at 14 months for expressive language.

I feel like such a horrible parent. I am at home with him day in and day out and I swear I play with him and everything. Its just so frustrating. For months I have been trying to get him to recognize body parts (Where’s Mommy’s Ears?) and talk or even sign- and it is very slow going at best (though yesterday he finally pointed to a body part without mimicking me- I actually cried I was so happy). He is a sweet lil guy (loves to cuddle) but he has been getting so frustrated and angry recently and I just feel like I must have failed him.

My DH keeps telling me he is fine and all but I just feel horrible for James. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Has anyone had a delayed child like this? Any tips or suggestions for things to help move him along?

He will be getting in home treatment but it will take a good month before it is all set up and they are here. I cannot let him just keep getting further and further behind. This is all just really hard.

-Becca-

 

[Where'sPiglet?]

Don't beat yourself up. Clearly you are not a bad mommy - you are seeking advice for help. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just continue to work with him, love him, and seek out the help you need.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Please don't beat yourself up about it! My DS didn't talk until 3! He said a few words..and he knew his alphabet...but otherwise nothing! We had his hearing tested and all was fine. And when he started talking..he do so in sentences.

Btw...he just turned 25 and was in the National Honor Society in HS!! So, please don't worry!!

 

[MushyMushy]

Some kids just move at their own pace, and that's that, and that's all you can do. You're totally on the right track getting him the help he needs, but you'll just have to work with him and accept that he's on his own timetable -- not everybody else's. There's no use in wasting your energy on guilt.

Both of my kids had pretty severe speech and language delays, and we are still struggling with learning disabilities with my youngest. But the oldest, who we never even thought would ever learn to read well just totally blows away his standards testing, and he just made honor roll for the first time his senior year! This kid didn't speak in complete sentences until he was 4, and he wasn't reading at his level until well into elementary school. In middle school, he was writing at a 3rd grade level. It just really took a while for everything to click into place. I'm hoping for the same for my daughter.

There's no shame in delays! You're a terrific mom for following your gut instincts and having him evaluated on your own. Early Intervention services are key to getting and keeping these kids on track. You're doing fine.

 

[Goofygirl17]

First of all It sounds like you are doing all of the right things with him. I am so glad you sought help in spite of the pediatricians comment. I've been told that many doctors don't refer kids to the birth to three program even when they're eligible. Did the evaluators give you a copy of their report? They should have recommendations for things you can do with him in between their visits. My now 6 year old was very frustrated when she was little because she wanted so badly to talk (even before she was developmentally ready) so we taught her some signs- drink, eat, more etc. She picked right up on them and when she learned to say the word, she stopped using the sign. This helped a lot with her frustration.

You mentioned using your insurance. Did you contact your state for the birth to three program (Early Intervention). They are responsible until age three and then the local school district should take over. I don't know how it works in different states but I believe it is federal law. This may help if there are limits to your insurance.

I hope this helps and just keep snuggling and loving that little guy.

Goofygirl

 

[Becky2005]

It's nothing you did or did not do. If you were being a bad mom, you would refuse to let him get the therapies. I know there are people out there that do that for whatever reason vs. taking all the help your offered. I'm sure with therapy (I'm asssuming speech), you will see improvements.

All 3 of my boys have had speech therapy. I didn't start any of them before 3 because I didn't really know to nor thought much about it. With my oldest boy, we figured something wasn't quite right but what did I know. I wasn't around a bunch of 3 year olds to know what was normal & what wasn't. DH couldn't understand him at all. He went to preschool via the park district and toward the end, the teacher asked me if we had a hard time understanding him at home. Then the evaluations started. He was done with speech therapy about 1/2 through 1st grade. Talking to him now, you would never even know he had speech therapy.

My 8 year old also started getting speech at 3 years old, he had more issues so went to the same preschool my son went to but on the school district side. He was able to get speech & OT which has followed him. He still gets those services. For him, I think it will be a while.

My 5 year old ALSO gets speech therapy and with him he started really before he turned 3 as they changed the way the school system was set up but since I had a hunch he would have the articulation errors that his older brothers had. His motor skills aren't that great either but not enough to get OT for him. I have a feeling, he won't be in speech much past 1st or 2nd grade and then you won't be able to tell he even had it.

On the flip side, my DD didn't have any services. We got her evaluated and she had a little bit of stuff for speech but they said it was probably developmental and she could outgrow that. She did.

Each of my kids are different -- by the time I got to my last one, the main reason he is in speech therapy is because my ears were more in tune to hearing the articulation errors than for my 1st.

 

[Tink888]

to you. Your post could have been mine 9 years ago with DS11.

Late talker. By age two, still no words - evaluation, same delays as your son. I broke out in tears as soon as I heard the results. DS13 was an early talker, early walker, extremely intelligent and I thought DS11 would be exactly the same.

DS11 had the same in home therapy. At age 3 we enrolled him in the same pre-school DS13 went to and he received speech therapy there. He went to kindergarten and received speech therapy for a few years until he mastered his sounds.

One thing that we did which really helped in the beginning was to teach him simple sign language for everyday things. He picked it up very quickly and it helped so much with him being able to express what he wanted/needed and alleviated so much frustration for him. As the words came, he dropped the signs and believe me when I tell you that the words WILL come. As soon as they did for DS11, he didn't stop. He is the "talker" of the family and every one of his teachers throughout the years have told me that he is quite the "talker" at school as well. LOL

I know exactly how you are feelling right now. I can tell you that you ARE NOT a failure by any means. Every child is different. Every child faces their own set of challenges and develops on their own timeline. Your son WILL catch up and I know the heartbreak you are feeling now but trust me when I tell you that someday you will look back on this with a completely different perspective. You really, really will.

To see DS11 now you'd never know that he was ever delayed in anything.

The words will come, all of it will come. Einstein didn't talk until he was five and we all know his story right?

PS - FWIW in the beginning my older son was able to understand DS11 better than anyone. He always knew exactly what he was trying to say and a real bond was formed between the two of them.

 

[beckmrk04]

Becca- my SIL was in the same position as you with my Dnephew just a few months ago. Only, he was evaluated at 15 months (or right around there) and he tested at a 3 month level for verbal communication.

But, like you, she pressed forward, listened to her gut, and got him into Early Intervention therapy, and now he will be 2 on Dec. 4th and he has made SOOOO much progress! He is almost on target for language now, and his motor development is right on track.

You are doing everything RIGHT- work with him, play with him, LOVE him to pieces. I'm sure this is so hard right now, but it will get better!!! My adorable little nephew is proof- some little ones just need some extra time and aren't on our schedules.

BTW- I would find a new pediatrician. The doc should know that by 18 months if there is suspected issue that they can be evaluated and that the earlier the better for starting therapy.

 

[tazdev3225]

I'm in a similar situation right now with DGS. He is 2 1/2 y/o and is not speaking on level. We have called the early intervention people and they still have not returned the call to make an appointment. My DD, his mother, is not sure there is a problem so isn't in a hurry to call them. I have a 14 month old DGS who speaks better than my other guy. He is trying so hard to talk but much of what comes out is jibberish. I think he is also behind in some other skills. I will be calling again on Monday to try and get the evaluation done. I know he is smart but he just needs a little help.
OP don't beat yourself up over your son. I work with my little guy too, but sometimes they just need a little extra. You have done the right thing in seeking help. Hug your little guy and know that you are a good mom.

 

[amyy]

Do they do a hearing screening too? I am an SLP and I have sent you an email. I cut and pasted from our national website. The tips are are divided by years so you may want to check out another page too.


http://www.asha.org/public/speech/development/12.htm

 

[hentob]

I don’t talk about my son here often. I mentioned once on the family board that I was worried because he wasn’t talking yet (He is 20 Months). His doctor said he was behind but there was nothing they could do until he turned 3. Something about that didn’t sound right and thanks to some wonderful advice here I found a program through our state to evaluate him and that offers treatment through our insurance.

Friday they came out and did the evaluation- and I was crushed. He is right on track for gross motor but showing at 10 months for fine motor and receptive language, and at 14 months for expressive language.



-Becca-

DS9 has an expressive language delay (semantic pragmatic language disorder). He is also somewhere on the autistic spectrum We could tell something was up at about 20 months old.

Currently, he is a straight A student, he is in advanced classes, 99th percentile in the Terra Nova testing and is a happy, albeit quirky, little guy. He has quirky little friends that are also very bright There are a ton of cool, strange little kids out there that make me smile. I am sure their parents had "Where did I go wrong" moments too Now we can laugh and feel so proud of what they have become and realize The Gift You will get there too!

I wish somebody would have told me this years ago I spent many a sleepless night worrying about the statistics of a developmentally delayed child

I know what you are going through Please PM me at any time!!

 

[DisneygirlTeacher]

Hi Becca, Please don't be so worried! Every child does things at their own pace...I learned that not only as a teacher, but as a mom, too! My girl didn't really say much until she turned 2...now she is 15 and hasn't stopped talking since! lol They say that sometimes a child that doesn't talk much at first is just a bright child soaking it all in...and then when they are ready, it all just spills out...true with my daughter as well. I remember months ago when we spoke about your daughter...things will always work out. You are a great mom...just please remember that each child walks, talks, sits up, and crawls all in their own time. Hope this helps!

 

[sunnyday123]

Becca, you've been through so much this past year.

Just keep doing what you have been doing...you sensed something wasn't right and you followed through. That's what being a Mom is all about. Trust your instincts, they are usually right.

I had a friend who's daughter didn't talk to around 24 months, and didn't walk till 17 months! She was premature, but it was due to the fact that all she had to do was point and grunt, and someone knew what she wanted, and she had a big brother who carried her around everywhere!! She had no need to walk or talk! Just keep taking care of you and your family.

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

I don’t talk about my son here often. I mentioned once on the family board that I was worried because he wasn’t talking yet (He is 20 Months). His doctor said he was behind but there was nothing they could do until he turned 3. Something about that didn’t sound right and thanks to some wonderful advice here I found a program through our state to evaluate him and that offers treatment through our insurance.

Friday they came out and did the evaluation- and I was crushed. He is right on track for gross motor but showing at 10 months for fine motor and receptive language, and at 14 months for expressive language.

I feel like such a horrible parent. I am at home with him day in and day out and I swear I play with him and everything. Its just so frustrating. For months I have been trying to get him to recognize body parts (Where’s Mommy’s Ears?) and talk or even sign- and it is very slow going at best (though yesterday he finally pointed to a body part without mimicking me- I actually cried I was so happy). He is a sweet lil guy (loves to cuddle) but he has been getting so frustrated and angry recently and I just feel like I must have failed him.

My DH keeps telling me he is fine and all but I just feel horrible for James. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Has anyone had a delayed child like this? Any tips or suggestions for things to help move him along?

He will be getting in home treatment but it will take a good month before it is all set up and they are here. I cannot let him just keep getting further and further behind. This is all just really hard.

-Becca-

First of all, you are not a bad mother. In fact, you are an excellent mother to be proactive, recognize that their might be a problem and to implement solutions quickly. Bad mothers would ignore the experts and deny their child the opportunities to excel that are offered. Excellent mothers take the reins and use any and all avenues to offer their child opportunities to reach their potential, which includes exactly what you have done. You listened to your pediatrician, you sought out testing, you are seeking out therapies. That is an excellent parent.

Secondly, if your child is delayed now, it does not mean a future of delays. In fact, with the early intervention you are seeking out, you are giving your son the opportunity to reach his full potential as soon as possible.

I have a severly disabled child. So, having been through all the testing, knowing all the milestones, etc, I knew there was a speech delay in another of my children. She also was not speaking by 2. Early intervention, speech therapy and therapies to teach her how to process information led to a child in the National Honor society, honor roll and is working on her college choices.

She probably was just developing at her own pace and would have reached the same endpoint without the therapies, but we will never know. Our philosophy was that there were opportunities out there to help her, so why not take advantage of them? The speech therapy certainly wouldn't have hurt here and only could help her.

Take advantage of all the opportunities out there. As someone else mentioned, call your school district and find out about the birth through three program. They should provide services for your child through this program, especially if he has already been tested. Supplement with your insurance program if needed.

Good luck, and be proud. Your son is lucky to have such an involved, caring, and strong advocate for a parent.

 

[Mandychelle79]

You are not a bad mommy, you are a great mommy for advocating for your child. Ive had plenty of the Im a bad mommy moments with my dd 5. A bad mommy would be one who noticed the problem and then did nothing about it. We dd got services through the IU for speech delays.

 

[RitaE]

In addition to the therapy you will be starting through the Early Intervention program, you need to take your test results into your Pediatrician and demand a referral to a good Developmental Pediatric Specialist.

Do NOT take no for an answer. Do NOT take 'let's just wait and see' for an answer. Get a referral or get a new Pediatrician.

I don't mean to frighten you, but it is just very frustrating to me that we are well over a decade into the EI programs being established and Pediatricians are still not getting parents the information they need and still just giving the same old "oh just wait it out" advice which has been proven over and over to be detrimental to kids who need services. There is nothing to be lost by getting therapy for a child and everything to be gained. Nobody has ever been harmed by having speech or occupational therapy.

This has nothing to do with whether you are a good or bad Mom. Your child needs to be examined by a Professional trained in Child Development. The answer may be that absolutely nothing is wrong. But it is far better to find out at 2 years old than 4 or 5 years old.

 

[jodifla]

In addition to the therapy you will be starting through the Early Intervention program, you need to take your test results into your Pediatrician and demand a referral to a good Developmental Pediatric Specialist.

Do NOT take no for an answer. Do NOT take 'let's just wait and see' for an answer. Get a referral or get a new Pediatrician.

I don't mean to frighten you, but it is just very frustrating to me that we are well over a decade into the EI programs being established and Pediatricians are still not getting parents the information they need and still just giving the same old "oh just wait it out" advice which has been proven over and over to be detrimental to kids who need services. There is nothing to be lost by getting therapy for a child and everything to be gained. Nobody has ever been harmed by having speech or occupational therapy.

This has nothing to do with whether you are a good or bad Mom. Your child needs to be examined by a Professional trained in Child Development. The answer may be that absolutely nothing is wrong. But it is far better to find out at 2 years old than 4 or 5 years old.

I think overall this is a good note, but I'd add a cautionary warning:

Yes, have your child evaluated, but KNOW HOW GOOD your evaluators are. There's a rush to the "ASD spectrum" Dx these days, by a lot of people who have no understanding of what they are diagnosing.

I've watched these autism Dxes send parents into a spiral of seeking out one unproven treatment after another, spending life savings on things that don't work.

Speech therapists vary widely in their expertise too, so you have to watch out for that.

Know who is working with your children, and find out what their credentials are!

 

[DMickey28]

Becca - HUGS ... Please do not beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong and did not cause this or anything.

 

[Val]

PLEASE contact your local Easter Seals or school district and demand an EC evaluation. Also, heed the note from the SLP and get the hearing checked. My DD11 had moderate hearing loss, most likely from birth. She "taked funny" and was a late developer- didn't walk until 16 months, poor expressive speech, etc.....but we didn't get a firm diagnosis until she FAILED kindergarten. She has 4 hours of speech therapy a week from age 2, got hearing aids at 5 and for the last 3 semesters has been on the All-A honor roll....but it took a LONG time to get her up to where she should have been.

Listen to your inner-mother instinct. YOU know best....you are not doing ANYTHING wrong, in fact, you are doing everything right. Could be that your son is just developing on his own time path. Could be that there is hearing loss, speech disorders, etc.......push and fight until you feel satisfied that you know the answer. Unfortunately, that is the way of dealing with ECE/Spec Education. But, once they know you mean business, they tend to play nice!

A nice place to look so you know your rights is http://wrightslaw.com/. Then, once you know what you are dealing with, there are a ton of mom's groups out there for each issue/disorder. I really rely on http://www.listen-up.org/toc.htm and the local groups. It is SO nice to talk/correspond with other moms who have kids with similar issues.

Good luck.....you will get through this. And, despite what we do to our kids, they tend to grow up as pretty cool individuals who we end up really liking as a friend- I know, my oldest DD21 is turning out- well, to be a pretty terrific adult even if she WAS our first and we made all those awful mistakes with her!!!!

 

[arminnie]

I feel like such a horrible parent.

That's a quite normal reaction - but TOTALLY wrong. And I think you will realize that shortly. I just had a conversation the other night with a social worker who did a lot of work with youth in a hospital setting. She said parents always want to blame themselves - and that's one of the first things they have to work through.

You obviously love your son very much and will work to maximize his potential.

One of my friends has a Down son. She has worked SO hard with him over the years. He is now in his 20s. He has a job and an apartment. He's a fine young man. I give her more parenting points (not that there is really any competition) than my other friend whose son just graduated from Harvard.

A good parent is one who helps their child reach their potential - not one whose child makes the best grades or talks first.