phorsenuf
Not so New Rule author
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2003
- Messages
- 19,619
Andy Rooney
1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It
seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round
the White House on her hands and knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece
I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles.
I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give
free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to
run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying
under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners
are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring
but, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused
in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in
the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be;
Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7. Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that
way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It
seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round
the White House on her hands and knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece
I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles.
I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give
free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to
run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying
under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners
are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring
but, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused
in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in
the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be;
Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7. Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that
way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
