Some problems with a very arrogant person....UPDATE PG 3

[Wishing on a star]

Hey,

I am one who has been in your boyfriends position...

My FIL is exactly, and I mean EXACTLY like your step-dad!!!!

My very strong words of advice are for you to never, never, never, expect your significant-other to put up with this. It does become abusive!

My DH was always very close to his family. He felt that his father had done a lot for him financially, etc.. etc.. etc.. Therefore, for many many years, I was expected to take the abuse.

After years of putting up with it, because I was vowed and determined to NOT let it affect our marriage, it finally came to the point where I told my husband that if he ever just stood by and let his dad treat me that way again, I simply did not know if I wanted to stay married to him. If he did not care about my feelings, or respect me, or love me, enough to protect me from that abuse, then that was it.... (Thank goodness, my DH finally and miraculously saw the light!!!)

The day I saw my FIL make remarks to make my little DS 'squirm' under his thumb was the LAST straw.

At this moment, my FIL is fighting a losing battle with terminal cancers. As other posters have mentioned, because of his attitudes, he is more or less alone. (Except for my MIL)

And, you know what, there is NOTHING to bring you down from a high and mighty attitude like facing your own mortality. Nothing like that to make you understand that you are no better than anyone else. The simple fact is, that when you are dead and gone, nobody gives a hoot about what your opinions are. You have no longer have control over anyone or anything.

However, as long as you are being directly financially supported by your step-father. You really are not in a position to say one little thing. That is just the way it goes. You cannot 'bite the hand that feeds you'!!!!

My advice would be for you to make your own way in the world and then to leave this type of abusive situation behind. I know it may take a long time for you to come to the full realization, but you will have to see that you do not 'owe' your stepdad anything once you have become independant. If he continues to behave this way, you may have to severely limit any contact. And, yes, this will very much affect your relationship with your mom!!!! And, my guess is that she has made her choices. If it comes down to making choices regarding her relationship with her husband, or with you and your future husband and your future children, I would bet that she will choose her husband every single time. (she is demonstrating this very clearly by how she is ignoring/condoning his behavior)

This brings up the fact that you may also have to be concerned with protecting your children from this type of behavior. Cause, in almost every case, this type of behavior only becomes worse and worse as the person becomes more elderly.

Nobody can say what the situation will be in the future. But, I can say, with 100% confidence and conviction, that you should be prepared to choose your spouse and your children over your step-dad, which may also mean your own mother as well.

For now, bite your tongue, and bide your time.
Don't get stuck in the mud!!!
Realize that the key to happiness and freedom is insuring your own independence. Gain your independence as soon as possible!!!

And, never expect others, such as friends, boyfriends, etc. to be able to put up with the behavior as you have done. You have done this because it is your family. You know the ropes. You are accustomed to it. Remember, to expect anyone else to be able to handle it may not be realistic at all.

 

[florida-again]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I really appreciate it. I should stress that my mother is pretty firm with him. She WILL stand up for us if he's very rude or unfair. The problem is that like us, she knows he doesn't like to be told he's wrong. Therefore I think she's just about given up trying to change him. It's easier npt to try to argue with him. It is more this that stops us looking to her for support, tha the fact that she wouldn't support us.

I should also add, that he really is a good good man, apart from when he decides to 'speak his mind'. If he doesn't like someone's opinion, their way of life or their attitide he is incapable of standing back and letting it go. This is a big problem for BF and I as he doesn't think BF is right for me. SD wants me to date a rich guy, and BF isn't. So SD taunts me and BF mercilessly. He gives poor BF such a hard time, I think he's trying to drive him away. It won't work, it makes me more determined. BF doesn't come from a rich family, but he's a good good man, he treats me like a princess and he's studying really hard to be an investment banker. But I go to college and work with a lot of very wealthy people. SD can't understand why I can't date one of them!!! So that is one thing he tends to do - tell people they're 'wrong' if he doesn't understand something they do (not just me, anyone). He also teases people about their faults. He teases BF for being skinny, yesterday he was mean to a friend of my sister, a 12yo boy with a high voice - the poor kid was so embarrassed, it just wasn't appropriate for SD to mimick him like that. And as I've mentioned before, he's sometimes racist which is totally unacceptable. So you see the sort of things he does and how embarrassing it can be.....

 

[florida-again]

Also, thanks for the Dr Laura book advice, I'd like to read that! As you can probably tell, there is a lot of 'issues' in my family life. Its not a bad life at all, there are just a lot of hiccups. I was thinking of posting a run-down of everything that has gone on in my family, so people can see I'm honestly not just a drama queen...i'm not sure anyone would be interested to read it though! It would certainly be long!

 

[RadioFanatic]

BF doesn't come from a rich family, but he's a good good man, he treats me like a princess and he's studying really hard to be an investment banker. But I go to college and work with a lot of very wealthy people.

I'm confused. Isn't this the BF that wanted to break up with you b/c you wanted a nose job? Doesn't sound like treating you like a princess to me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Therefore I think she's just about given up trying.... It is more this that stops us looking to her for support, tha the fact that she wouldn't support us.

I should also add, that he really is a good good man, apart from when he decides to 'speak his mind'. .... yesterday he was mean to a friend of my sister, a 12yo boy .... it just wasn't appropriate

.... he's sometimes racist which is totally unacceptable.

So you see the sort of things he does and how embarrassing it can be.....

A few more words from somebody who knows... I've been there.....

1. You say your mother has 'given up'... It does not matter how you phrase it. As long as your mother accepts this, then she will continue to be with her husband... You and your 'friends' will end up being the ones alienated. She is choosing her husband over you.

2. You say that he is a 'good man'. I would have to differ. Any man who could ridicule a child and purposefully cause emotional pain to others, is NOT a good man. Any man who could make his daughter feel the way that your sister must have felt yesterday, is NOT a good man. You may not see this now... It may be a long while until you understand my words.... At present, you are only seeing that he is a good 'provider'. But, that does NOT make him a good man. You were right when you said that this behaviour is completely inappropriate!!!

3. You call this 'embarassing'. But, it is much more than that. It is almost abusive. It is controlling. It is passive-aggressive. And it is just plain wrong.

I do know know about your situation with your BF. But, if you are smart, you will not become stuck in this mud. You should not jeopardize your future, and your relationship with your future husband, (whomever this may be), by expecting them to be subjected to this. I know, first hand. I have been on the other end of this very very exact situation.

 

[florida-again]

I'm confused. Isn't this the BF that wanted to break up with you b/c you wanted a nose job? Doesn't sound like treating you like a princess to me.

It was a hard time for us...I agree it doesn't make him sound great, but he is so wonderful to me, we just hit a rough patch at that time.

 

[reeddi]

It sounds like he is using his provider status to work over all of you. When someone is generous at certain times and abusive others that's a control freak - passive aggressive personality. But like said before just take this as a lesson to not be this way yourself in the future.
I also have a father like this and as I have gotten older I have been able to call him on the carpet about things. But realistically we have agreed to disagree and not speak of certain subjects.

Good luck.

 

[florida-again]

It sounds like he is using his provider status to work over all of you. When someone is generous at certain times and abusive others that's a control freak - passive aggressive personality. But like said before just take this as a lesson to not be this way yourself in the future.
I also have a father like this and as I have gotten older I have been able to call him on the carpet about things. But realistically we have agreed to disagree and not speak of certain subjects.

Good luck.

Thank you, likewise my SD and I don't talk about certain things where possible, because he won't be wrong,

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you, likewise my SD and I don't talk about certain things where possible, because he won't be wrong,

YEP...

 

[disneymom3]

It was a hard time for us...I agree it doesn't make him sound great, but he is so wonderful to me, we just hit a rough patch at that time.

He dumped you becuase you wanted to make an improvement to yourself about something you feel insecure about. I could swear a couple of months ago you talked about him breaking up with you for something else. Sure you aren't dating someone who is more like SD than you would like to admit? Maybe, aside from the racist comments etc, SD is clearly seeing a side of this guy you refuse to look at.

 

[florida-again]

He dumped you becuase you wanted to make an improvement to yourself about something you feel insecure about. I could swear a couple of months ago you talked about him breaking up with you for something else. Sure you aren't dating someone who is more like SD than you would like to admit? Maybe, aside from the racist comments etc, SD is clearly seeing a side of this guy you refuse to look at.

No, I disagree with this. BF and I have had some rough times but that is our business. Don't forget we are in a long-distance relationship and therefore naturally there are hitches. Those two situations got out of hand because we were far away from each other. As soon as we saw each other to talk in person it was no where near so bad. Please don't let it be the basis of your judgement of BF.

SD wanted me to dump BF before he'd even met him - as soon as he found out he wasn't rich himself or from a rich family.

 

[RadioFanatic]

No, I disagree with this. BF and I have had some rough times but that is our business. Don't forget we are in a long-distance relationship and therefore naturally there are hitches. Those two situations got out of hand because we were far away from each other. As soon as we saw each other to talk in person it was no where near so bad. Please don't let it be the basis of your judgement of BF.

Our judgment comes solely and only from the information YOU tell us. So you never told us about the resolutions, only the bad stuff. Also, to say "that is our business" goes directly against you telling us everything, therefore making it our business.

 

[disneymom3]

Our judgment comes solely and only from the information YOU tell us. So you never told us about the resolutions, only the bad stuff. Also, to say "that is our business" goes directly against you telling us everything, therefore making it our business.

Uhh, yeah. If you are going to ask for advice, you have to expect people are going to remember what you post. And if everything turns out just peachy keen, then it would be lovely if you would add that as an update to the post where the advice was being asked in the first place.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If this has been a long distance relationship, then BF and the step-father have not spent very much time together, right?

I have not followed all the other threads. I am following this one because I have a FIL who is just exactly, and I mean, exactly, like the OP's stepfather.

I am not sure if the situation with the boyfriend is a good one or not. However, at this time, the OP is upset because she see's her boyfriend being treated rudely by her step-father.

That tells me that she is serious about her boyfriend. She does not want to have to lose her boyfriend. She does not want to have to choose sides.

The bottom line is that the step-father has no business saying one negative word. It is not acceptable. He is not a good man. He has some very obvious issues that are not going to go away.

From my personal experience. the OP will indeed HAVE to choose sides. Either with this boyfriend, or with the next, and the next.

It may be hard for her to hear. But, she will have to choose sides. This will happen because her step-father will FORCE her to. He is a passive aggressive control freak. He will purposefully keep the OP smack dab in the middle, between himself and her significant other, in a stressful, negative, and destructive battle for control, until the OP simply walks away and chooses to completely disengage.

I know this, because I have seen this many times... I have been there with my FIL. He ALWAYS disrespected me, and put my husband right in the middle in a huge, sickening, battle of control.

My advice to the OP is that she should realize this right now. Very simply, your spouse HAS to come first. No way is it acceptable to follow in the mothers footsteps and to subject future family and friends to this kind of treatment. What the mother is doing is 'enabling' her husband. She will continue to do so. Just as my MIL has.

If the OP also decides to continue to 'stay in the mud' and enable the FIL to continue this behavior, then this is a huge choice. She does have a choice. Everyone makes choices. The step-father, the mother, and the OP.

In any situation in life,
a person can either make choices, or make excuses.

edited to add:
Unfortunately, I hear the OP continually making excuses. She is even making excuses for her step-fathers behavior. She is labeling him as 'arrogant' or perhaps 'opinionated', when this simply is NOT true.

Very simply, a childs high voice, or somebodys thin weight, are not issues like politics, where there are clear cut sides or opinions.

These are very personal issues. And ANY negative comment on things like this is nothing less than cruel and abusive.

 

[florida-again]

Sorry, I didn't mean it wasn't your business, I meant it wasn't something SD would know about.

You're right, I am TERRIBLE about coming up here and updating, ooops. Honestly, BF and I are fine, we have a good relationship, we're pretty strong. It's hard to give the whole picture, I'm always wary of posting how 'good' things are in a situation, because I don't want to seem like I'm bragging. But BF and I are really good, I apologise for not being clearer after I posted about the nose job thing.

BF and I are long distance at college, but SD knows him well as outside of college time we live just 5mins away from each other. And we were together before we went off to college.

 

[eeyore kelly]

He also teases people about their faults. He teases BF for being skinny, yesterday he was mean to a friend of my sister, a 12yo boy with a high voice - the poor kid was so embarrassed, it just wasn't appropriate for SD to mimick him like that. And as I've mentioned before, he's sometimes racist which is totally unacceptable. So you see the sort of things he does and how embarrassing it can be.....

This is inexcusable. The fact that the family lets SD get away with it is inexcusable. I am all for a calm, happy home, when it is really that way. However, this facade of calmness with all of the tension underneath is just wrong. Sometimes, you have to go through a few waves to get to calmer waters.

Letting this man pick on a 12 year old boy is wrong, wrong, wrong. Everyone in the family has some blame for this one, because no one told him to stop.

You might think he is a good man, but from where I sit, he his a egotistical jerk of a bully.

 

[florida-again]

Letting this man pick on a 12 year old boy is wrong, wrong, wrong. Everyone in the family has some blame for this one, because no one told him to stop. [/I]

We were all very quick to shut him up!

 

[florida-again]

just had an unusual thing happen, SD called to apologise - he was very rude to me last night. I'd walked in the door and he was immediately rude to me. I tend to just keep my head down and ignore it, but my younger sister was so sweet and jumped to my defence asking 'what on earth has she done wrong? She's just walked in the door!' (its kind of humbling to have your younger sister stand up for you).

Anyway....so SD called me to apologise.

Have to admit he's not a good apologiser so it wasn't exactly heart-warming.

But better than nothing 'ey?

 

[C.Ann]

I would simply tell him (or anyone else that was speaking to me in that manner) "This is totally inappropriate and rude and I simply will not listen to it.." - and leave the room..

It's no different than arguing with a child.. The more you respond, the more the child argues back..

 

[Disney Doll]

If this has been a long distance relationship, then BF and the step-father have not spent very much time together, right?

I have not followed all the other threads. I am following this one because I have a FIL who is just exactly, and I mean, exactly, like the OP's stepfather.

I am not sure if the situation with the boyfriend is a good one or not. However, at this time, the OP is upset because she see's her boyfriend being treated rudely by her step-father.

That tells me that she is serious about her boyfriend. She does not want to have to lose her boyfriend. She does not want to have to choose sides.

The bottom line is that the step-father has no business saying one negative word. It is not acceptable. He is not a good man. He has some very obvious issues that are not going to go away.

From my personal experience. the OP will indeed HAVE to choose sides. Either with this boyfriend, or with the next, and the next.

It may be hard for her to hear. But, she will have to choose sides. This will happen because her step-father will FORCE her to. He is a passive aggressive control freak. He will purposefully keep the OP smack dab in the middle, between himself and her significant other, in a stressful, negative, and destructive battle for control, until the OP simply walks away and chooses to completely disengage.

I know this, because I have seen this many times... I have been there with my FIL. He ALWAYS disrespected me, and put my husband right in the middle in a huge, sickening, battle of control.

My advice to the OP is that she should realize this right now. Very simply, your spouse HAS to come first. No way is it acceptable to follow in the mothers footsteps and to subject future family and friends to this kind of treatment. What the mother is doing is 'enabling' her husband. She will continue to do so. Just as my MIL has.

If the OP also decides to continue to 'stay in the mud' and enable the FIL to continue this behavior, then this is a huge choice. She does have a choice. Everyone makes choices. The step-father, the mother, and the OP.

In any situation in life,
a person can either make choices, or make excuses.

edited to add:
Unfortunately, I hear the OP continually making excuses. She is even making excuses for her step-fathers behavior. She is labeling him as 'arrogant' or perhaps 'opinionated', when this simply is NOT true.

Very simply, a childs high voice, or somebodys thin weight, are not issues like politics, where there are clear cut sides or opinions.

These are very personal issues. And ANY negative comment on things like this is nothing less than cruel and abusive.

This is a very wise post. What you are saying, Wishing, is completely true. We all make choices...SF makes the choice to be nasty, Mom makes the choice to allow/enable it. So far, OP is making the choice to allow/enable it as well, but she is young, and that may change.

Ultimately., SF may hang on to Mom, because she may be too weak, scared, whatever to venture away. But he will lose others around him, and end up a lobely, bitter old man. How often do you think that 12 year old is going to come around????