Some BM drama :(

[Mermaid_Ariel]

I hope this doesn't make me sound like a crybaby but it's fresh in my mind right now because it just kinda happened.

I asked my friend (out-of-state) last year to be my Bridesmaid. She's a good friend - I haven't known her for many years but we get along very well and have lots of fun talking and things.

Anyway, within the past few months she's been having difficulty with her marriage which I think in turn impacted our friendship a bit. We haven't been talking as much but I've been completely understanding about it and not taking it personally.

So, we haven't been talking much but I e-mailed her today asking if she'd be able to fly down the night before the wedding. I just feel like she was cold in her responses. I'll paste the e-mails in the second post.

I understand that her family is flying from Belgium in November - but ugh, I dunno. I just feel frustrated by the whole thing.

 

[Mermaid_Ariel]

(The last e-mail I pasted is the first e-mail sent) The time stamp looks funny because she's in Central and I'm in EST

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
To: Me (Mermaid_Ariel)
Sent: Thu, 3 Jan 2008 10:58 am
Subject: RE: -_-

The plans for that were just made official a few days ago heh I didn’t know any sooner

From: Me (Mermaid_Ariel)
Sent: Thursday, January 03, 2008 9:58 AM
To: Her
Subject: Re: -_-

When were you going to let me know that? :\ I totally understand that being a priority it's just that I'm making certain plans based on how many people are attending. If you can't go, I'd just rather know sooner than later, you know?

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
To: Me (Mermaid_Ariel)
Sent: Thu, 3 Jan 2008 10:53 am
Subject: RE: -_-
I mean that we don’t know yet?

Looking at everything it’s probably gonna cost us around $1k to go to your wedding; and my mom, dad, brother, his wife and their son are visiting for 10 days for thanksgiving, which is gonna cost us money too and which is more important to me … so .. we don’t know yet

From: Me (Mermaid_Ariel)
Sent: Thursday, January 03, 2008 9:52 AM
To: Her
Subject: Re: -_-

What do you mean?

-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Mermaid_Ariel)
To: Her
Sent: Thu, 3 Jan 2008 10:46 am
Subject: RE: -_-
We don’t know yet heh

From: Me (Mermaid_Ariel)
Sent: Thursday, January 03, 2008 9:43 AM
To: Her
Subject: -_-

BTW I forget if I told you or not but we mailed our contract and deposit to Disney so we’re all set and booked for 12-12-08 (it’s a Friday)

Do you think you guys could fly down on Thursday though?

 

[cseca]

hmm... it does sound odd....
BUT I think you have a little bit more time since your wedding is not until december. Give her a due date, if she can't commit by so and so date then you'll just have to ask another friend/family.
It's your day, you don't want your MOH to feel like she's obligated to be there instead of wanting to be there for you...

And if she's going through a hard time with her marriage, consider how that's going to affect your wedding... I'm not saying it to be selfish but my friend was going through a divorce and she was invited to a wedding (not even in the wedding, just a guest). She went but man oh man was it hard on her...

So my suggestion is have a due date and clarify your expectation of her as your MOH. That way there's no surprises later on...

Good luck ...

 

[Mermaid_Ariel]

hmm... it does sound odd....
BUT I think you have a little bit more time since your wedding is not until december. Give her a due date, if she can't commit by so and so date then you'll just have to ask another friend/family.
It's your day, you don't want your MOH to feel like she's obligated to be there instead of wanting to be there for you...

And if she's going through a hard time with her marriage, consider how that's going to affect your wedding... I'm not saying it to be selfish but my friend was going through a divorce and she was invited to a wedding (not even in the wedding, just a guest). She went but man oh man was it hard on her...

So my suggestion is have a due date and clarify your expectation of her as your MOH. That way there's no surprises later on...

Good luck ...

Thanks you for responding. I know times are tough for her and I don't want to force her to go. If she doesn't want to go, I don't want her to go just because she feels obligated. I guess I just wish she would've let me know as soon as she knew but I felt like I had to approach HER, like it doesn't matter to her...

I mean, even if she would've put it like, "Hey, I'm not sure what our financial situation is going to look like because my family is flying over from another county and I never see them.." but to just flatly say I don't know just made me feel so small.

I just feel terrible because my MOH did drop out (she was my best friend of 10 years) over an e-mail and now I feel like this other friend will be dropping, too.

I guess this whole experience is making me realize who my true friends really are. I'm sorry for ranting/sounding like a crybaby but between my MOH dropping and now this...

 

[cseca]

Hey... don't apologize.
This is supposed to be a happy day for you.
*I'M* still peeved at my family for not deciding when exactly they're coming... LOL!!!
It took me sometime to get them to say yes and now they're dragging their feet on the dates... urgh...

The good thing is I only want 1.5 attendant... My sister as MOH and my niece as Jr. Bridesmaid.
So far both of them have not generated any drama... thank God for that...

So you decide and what makes you happy... if she her indecision makes you unhappy then tell her that it's probably best for her to attend as a guest...

But you have some time...

 

[hope1826]

I am sorry. Two of my bridesmaids are going through divorces right now. And I am afraid that either or both may drop out at any minute (even the last minute).

When I asked them to be BMs (with the wonderful advice of disboard members) I told them that I loved them and wanted them to be a part of my day, but because I love them, I will also fully understand and be supportive if they can't do it or if they change their minds. I told them that I didn't want to hurt them. I let them know that they are welcome to attend the wedding in any capacity. When they said "yes", I requested that they really think about it and let them know that I expect them to be up front with me throughout.

I don't intend to be mean, but her responses do sound kind of cold. If you have already had similar conversations with her, and she is still responding like this, then I think you should consider un-asking her. I think it would be hard for you, if she is similarly cold on your wedding day.

 

[Mermaid_Ariel]

You're absolutely right. Maybe I need to stop thinking about accomodating everyone else and focus more on what's important.

I'll have my other really great friend who's been 110% supportive of me and DF's sis-in-law who is great.

I guess I felt like when we made the decision to have an Escape wedding - it was a good financial decision for us and we'd be spending a nice mini-vacation with the people who are the most important to us. So I guess I kinda feel like it isn't mutual with some people so I'm hurt.

 

[Mermaid_Ariel]

I am sorry. Two of my bridesmaids are going through divorces right now. And I am afraid that either or both may drop out at any minute (even the last minute).

When I asked them to be BMs (with the wonderful advice of disboard members) I told them that I loved them and wanted them to be a part of my day, but because I love them, I will also fully understand and be supportive if they can't do it or if they change their minds. I told them that I didn't want to hurt them. I let them know that they are welcome to attend the wedding in any capacity. When they said "yes", I requested that they really think about it and let them know that I expect them to be up front with me throughout.

I don't intend to be mean, but her responses do sound kind of cold. If you have already had similar conversations with her, and she is still responding like this, then I think you should consider un-asking her. I think it would be hard for you, if she is similarly cold on your wedding day.

That's so wonderful how you approached them with their situations. You're a really great friend.

When I first asked her, they weren't having the problems that they are now so I understand that being a factor in it. But, she has been cold like this to me for months. I just don't know how to un-ask her. I kind of want to just e-mail her back and just say that if it's easier for her to just not come I'd rather she do that.

 

[hope1826]

I guess I felt like when we made the decision to have an Escape wedding - it was a good financial decision for us and we'd be spending a nice mini-vacation with the people who are the most important to us. So I guess I kinda feel like it isn't mutual with some people so I'm hurt.

Since she is out of state, wouldn't she have had to pay for flights and a hotel room to get to your wedding regardless of where it was being held?

My DF struggled with that aspect of it as well, three of his groomsmen are nowhere near where we live or Florida (some of them would have to travel about the same distance). Some of them are staying at non-Disney hotels, since they can't afford it, but he had to remind them that they were extremely excited and very willing to spend money when they thought the wedding was going to be in NJ, so nothing should change because it's Disney.

 

[hope1826]

That's so wonderful how you approached them with their situations. You're a really great friend.

When I first asked her, they weren't having the problems that they are now so I understand that being a factor in it. But, she has been cold like this to me for months. I just don't know how to un-ask her. I kind of want to just e-mail her back and just say that if it's easier for her to just not come I'd rather she do that.

LOL, a month or so ago, I posted this question on the boards, and got a lot of great answers. Everyone was so helpful!!

I think how you approach her greatly depends on what type of relationship you have and want in the future.

If you do love her and want to maintain the friendship, you should try to talk to her about the fact that she has been acting different. And tell her that you understand she is going through a lot, but that you don't want it to affect your friendship. And be supportive. You could still un-ask her nicely, by saying that you now see that it is a burden for her and although you would have loved for her to come, you don't want to hurt her and she can always celebrate with you at some point in the future.

If you don't care about maintaining the friendship, then I think you would have the right to be as cold as she is being.