So sad tonight

[Keli]

I have a brother who absolutely destroyed his life. Not to excuse the things he's done but some background on him is that he was adopted when very young but that it would appear his bio-mother was mentally ill and addictions were rampant in her family. My parents also adopted his bio-brothers and a sister.
My brother made a lot of VERY bad choices and decisions and as a result he has spent his entire adult life in a maximum security prison and will remain there until he is an old man. (just want to say that he has never hurt anyone, but he did use a gun in comission of a crime(s) which adds a lot of years due to manditory sentencing laws)
I went to the prison to see him yesterday for the first time in several years. My brother wouldn't agree to let us come before and now I think I know why. It's so much harder to cope after seeing him again.
He looks healthy, he's off drugs/alcohol, his mind is clear and it's obvious he's full of regret. He has a good attitude, says he made the choices that put him where he is and he's got no one to blame but himself.
And so today I find myself crying at odd times. It's like it's right below the surface and I'm constantly fighting tears.
Had he still been lost in his addictions or been blaming everyone else for his choices I wouldn't feel this way. Now I just miss him terribly and my heart feels broken over the loss.
I keep thinking if our visit was this hard on me I wonder how much harder it was on him. I know seeing our dad again had to tear him up. I hope he doesn't decide it's not worth all the feelings it brings up tells us not to come again.

 

[N&B'smom]

I have a brother who absolutely destroyed his life. Not to excuse the things he's done but some background on him is that he was adopted when very young but that it would appear his bio-mother was mentally ill and addictions were rampant in her family. My parents also adopted his bio-brothers and a sister.
My brother made a lot of VERY bad choices and decisions and as a result he has spent his entire adult life in a maximum security prison and will remain there until he is an old man. (just want to say that he has never hurt anyone, but he did use a gun in comission of a crime(s) which adds a lot of years due to manditory sentencing laws)
I went to the prison to see him yesterday for the first time in several years. My brother wouldn't agree to let us come before and now I think I know why. It's so much harder to cope after seeing him again.
He looks healthy, he's off drugs/alcohol, his mind is clear and it's obvious he's full of regret. He has a good attitude, says he made the choices that put him where he is and he's got no one to blame but himself.
And so today I find myself crying at odd times. It's like it's right below the surface and I'm constantly fighting tears.
Had he still been lost in his addictions or been blaming everyone else for his choices I wouldn't feel this way. Now I just miss him terribly and my heart feels broken over the loss.
I keep thinking if our visit was this hard on me I wonder how much harder it was on him. I know seeing our dad again had to tear him up. I hope he doesn't decide it's not worth all the feelings it brings up tells us not to come again.

I'm sorry.

 

[akhenaten]

 

[PrincessKsMom]

As much as I'm sure he's hurting, I'm sure it did him a world of good to be able to see his family again. It might have even been cathartic (sp?) for him to share with you all that he realizes he screwed up and has gotten himself together, albeit a little late.

 

[Briarmom]

 

[LoraJ]

Adding another hug.

 

[MizTink]

it's so sad to see how 1 (or even many) bad choice has changed so many lives.

 

[Libby X 3]

Sorry!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Sorry, that is very difficult. I hope that he allows you all to visit him more often now. Having his family in his life to the ability that he can now may be comforting for him.

 

[terri01p]

I know you know this but I will write it just as a reminder, prayer changes things! Godspeed!

 

[dismom2]

I'm sure he's had a lot of time to think where he's at. It was probably therapeutic for him, and all of you, even though it was emotional. Maybe if he can forgive himself, he can then feel worthy of asking for forgiveness from those he hurt by his poor choices. Hopefully, he will allow you all to see him again. Just let him know you heard him and make him feel comfortable enough to ask you back. Sorry you are hurting. It sounds like your family has been through a lot.

 

[hairybottle123]

I'm sorry.

 

[Mommy2cody]

I am sorry! It is very hard! My family is going through a similar situation with my younger brother. (He is doing a year in county right now. But was also doing drugs and stealing for his habit) after 5 years of being in various stages of probation or getting re arrested (and tearing our family apart), he is finally serving some time. He is doing better and we pray that this was what he needed to change his life.

OP maybe try writing to your brother. When I visit my brother, it is hard and uncomfortable to talk. I try to make the best of it. Writing to him is much easier for me and I find we can have a pretty meaningful conversations that way. I always let my brother know that even though I DON"T like what he did, that I love him.

It is so hard watching someone you love destroy their lives. Drugs are so horrible and so hard to recover from!!

 

[wilma-bride]

I am so sorry that your family is going through this. It seems as though your brother has got himself straight but it sounds as though he is taking a very mature attitude to things. I can't help but feel sad for you all

 

[starrzone]

for everyone involved in your situation. Mental illness is not easy to deal with, and then to throw a history of addiciton into the mess...your brother is so lucky to have someone like you who cares about him. I'm sure it means the world to him.

 

[Hillbeans]

So Sorry you and your family are dealing with this.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I am sorry. BUT he must of been happy to see you after all that time.

 

[maroo]

Oh, that IS so, so sad.

Bless your heart.

That sounds like a huge loss to me and I can totally see how you would be feeling so devastated - like someone died but is still there.

So sorry.

Hang in there!

 

[amsyw]

I'm sorry.

I too am in a similar situation. My younger brother has made horrible choices in his life. He has a drug addiction that he can't seem to get over. He has done rehab and has done 2 1/2 years in state prison. He was paroled 2 years ago and then was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. He was clean and was working until this diagnosis. He has since taken to "self-medicating" along with his prescribed meds. He looks terrible! He has 4 kids that are also in the middle of all of this.

My parents support him financially and emotionally (in an unheathly manner). He has aged them and drained them - financially and emotionally. I'm angry at him and angry at them for allowing it. I cannot however put myself in their position.

I have found out that he currently has a warrent for his arrest. Possesion of a gun and drugs. Why he wasn't arrested the night they were found is beyond me. I didn't find out through my mom, who wont talk to me about it anymore because we disagree on how she handles things. He is "hiding out" but continues to comes to family functions (thanksgiving dinner) and Christmas will be at my house. Of course we don't "know" there is a warrant so we act as if nothing is the matter.

When he is picked up he is facing finishing his previous 7 year term, along with the new charges.

To add to all of this my mom is my best friend. I see her on a regular basis 2-3 times a week and talk on the phone with her almost daily. We have a huge white elephant in the room that no one acknowledges! It is very difficult!

OP I feel for you! I can say nothing to make you feel better, but know you are not alone in your pain.

 

[Keli]

Thank you everyone for the support and kind words. I think just seeing my brother, touching him, listening to him talk and laugh, well, it brought all these painful thoughts and emotions to the surface.
Today I feel more able to cope with the realities we all face. I'm going to take the advice given on this thread and start writing my brother. I think it will be good for both of us.