Ok, with five children, Christmas around our house is a long and drawn out process but I will try to condense it down and only include the tree stuff. This is how we decorate our tree.
First, you get a seed. I like to start with a good pine tree seed but I guess other seeds would work too. Although I tried it with a palm seed once and Christmas had a whole new meaning. You take that seed and you put it in the ground. I usually just stick my finger in the ground about 2 inches. You want to make sure the ground is either soft or a little damp. Oh, and don't do this on concrete as it will break your finger. When you get the hole, drop the seed in the hole and cover it with dirt and then pour water on it. Be careful with the amount of water you use or you might have to repeat this step several times. Continue to water the dirt like every week or so (just make sure the ground stays moist). This part usually takes like about 15-20 years so please be patient. About every year, you can march one of the kids out and stand them next to the plant to measure how you are doing. Be careful though, sometimes the kids grow along with the tree so it doesn't look like you are making progress. Oh, and don't use old people to measure the tree either. They tend to shrink over time and that makes the tree seem larger than it really is. Anyway, keep monitoring growth progress. Once the tree reaches an appropriate height, then the fun begins.
When your wife is out of town, go down to Home Depot and get yourself a chain saw. This is a cool tool. It makes a bunch of noise, is dangerous, and will cut through everything. Since you could get hurt, be sure to always wear your safety clothing. I have a flannel shirt and a hockey mask that I wear. Strange thing is that when I have this on, it is like a kid repellant. Children run screaming back to their mothers after seeing me. Sorry, I kind of digressed there. Fire up that chainsaw and whack that new tree down at the stump level. Dont worry whether you cut it straight or not. I usually cut at an angle, which causes the tree to lean one-way or another. The chainsaw can fix that later. If the tree leans to the left, shorten all the legs on the other furniture in the room on the left hand side. If the tree leans to the right, shorten the legs on the furniture on the right hand side. Granted, the tree is still leaning, but all the furniture in the room is going the same direction so no one notices.
After you have the tree in the house and everything in the room is leaning the same direction, it is time to decorate. I start with the lights. I know what you are thinking; one 1,000-watt spotlight on the top will illuminate the room and the tree with one bulb. I tried that and it doesnt work. Those bulbs get hot and the last thing you want is a flaming tree, trust me. I use those little miniature lights. I use 125 lights per foot of tree. On our 9.5-foot tree, we have a total of 1,200 lights. I wrap each branch individually with lights. If the lights start to droop, you can use duct tape to hold it on. The silver color looks pretty festive too.
Once you have all the lights on (this usually takes us about 8 days), then comes the tinsel. We use purple and teal tinsel (Diamondbacks colors) but you can use whatever kind you like. If you dont have tinsel, you can use duct tape. Just make sure you fold it in half with the sticky part inside the fold. Otherwise, you stick to the tree every time you walk by, trust me.
Next, we put on the ornaments. Each of the kids has their own ornaments and they are responsible for placing them on the tree. By this time I am so exhausted that I am not sure I have ever even noticed what the ornaments look like so I cant help you there.
This is followed by putting on the tree skirt. This step is completely optional depending on which gender your tree is. I am not sure who decided that our tree had to be female. I am pretty sure it was neither Dakota nor myself.
Finally, we place the most important item on the tree at the very top. This decoration is the pride and joy of our household and as the head of the house; it is my job to make sure it is situated perfectly atop the tree. So balancing carefully on the ladder, I put the sacred tree topper at the pinnacle of our tree. There is nothing quite like looking up and seeing that Diamondbacks hat sitting atop this holiday icon. It is of course the purple hat because the tree is at home. If I took the tree on the road, I would of course change it to the black away hat.
As you can see, we are as traditional as any American family when it comes to decorating our tree.
Jeff
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