Sleepovers- do you let your daughter go?

[kpm76]

Hey, it's a discussion board. We're discussing.

And I can tell you how I felt as a kid...sleepovers were important to me. In fact, I had a couple of birthday slumber parties that ROCKED! We all still remember them, and this is more than 30 years later.

I'm just glad I came from a time when people weren't so paranoid about having their 13 and 14 year olds spend the night with a dozen other girls, making A LIFETIME MEMORY!

Of course we're discussing and that is wonderful. My only request was that I be afforded the same respect I give to those that condone sleepovers.

 

[jodifla]

...just stumbled onto this thread and WOW! I didn't realize it was such a hot topic. Actually it's nice to hear another side to this because according to my dd-9 EVERYONE sleeps over others houses every wkend.
Some background she has never slept out. She is high functioning autistic, has few friends, and has 1 friend in particular that she keeps asking to sleep over or even have a playdate over there.

I know the parents well enough to know that she will never set foot in her house. She has come over here for playdates. But my dd keeps pressing me to go over her house.

What reason do you give your kids when you don't trust the parents? I can't say anything bad about the girl. She is a friend to my dd and living in a sad situation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Wow, this is a hard situation! I take it you can't go over there with her on the playdates?

Under the circumstances, it seems like your house or neutral ground is best.

(By the way, your daughter is actually probably right. My friend who has a third grade daughter is always either hosting a sleepover or driving her daughter to sleepover. In some circles, it's just like that.)

 

[Longsx3]

We allow DD(11) to have sleepovers and in all honesty sometimes it is with a friend that we haven't known very long however we live in a Military Community (overseas) and we are all constantly moving.
I also believe that you can never know someone well enough to prevent molestation...a co-worker's DD was recently molested by someone they had known 10+ years, this person was to believed to be a good role model.

I too was molested by someone that you would have never thought would have molested and I am sure that there are many people that thought I know " XXXX" he would never do that but he did.

We have educated DD about Molestation and how to react if ever placed in certain situations.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Hey, it's a discussion board. We're discussing.

And I can tell you how I felt as a kid...sleepovers were important to me. In fact, I had a couple of birthday slumber parties that ROCKED! We all still remember them, and this is more than 30 years later.

I'm just glad I came from a time when people weren't so paranoid about having their 13 and 14 year olds spend the night with a dozen other girls, making A LIFETIME MEMORY!

Well see I think it is very nice that you have great memories and it was fun for you. I also am not paranoid about having my kids spend the night somewhere. I just don't see any need for it. I was not allowed to sleep out all over town. I did not miss out on anything. To tell the truth, hardly any of my friends were allowed to sleep out either. We all kind of feel the same way about it. We have our reasons for not allowing it and they are not any less valid than the reasons you or anyone has FOR allowing it. It's like letting your kids play in the front yard (as an example)- some think it is okay and some don't. Neither is the right choice for everyone and neither is the only right choice. For you in particular, you enjoyed this aspect of childhood and think it is great. For me for instance, well I rarely slept out and to be honest the few times I did I don't think it was some Lifetime Memory. I respect your ( not just you but a collective your) views on it but don't think it is really necessary to basically ridicule others for the reasons that they have to think differently. We all have to make choices that best fit our lives. Otherwise there would be one rule book that we would all have to follow with no deviation. So if you allow them then that is great. I hope you have great experiences passing down something that you thought was important as a child. For those of us that don't, well we will pass down many other experiences to our children and some of them may even be ones that you would never even dream of. That's what makes life so interesting!

 

[deedeetoo]

This is an interesting thread. When I was a kid (I'm 47 now), sleepovers weren't that common. I remember going to a few slumber parties for birthdays but I think I was about 14-15.

My dd is now 9 and sleepovers are all the rage. She is constantly invited to sleepovers and wants to have sleepovers. Everytime you go to a soccer game there are sleeping bags and full backpacks being passed around. My dh and I have never been that thrilled with this, but also don't want to fence her in unnecessarily. We finally put our foot down after she was gone for three Saturday nights in a row in November. The rule is now 1 sleepover per month max. She can go over some one's house or her friend can come here. Either way counts.

Its interesting how childhood has changed. When I was a kid sleepovers were fairly uncommon, now they are everywhere. But we had much more freedom than kids do now. At dds age we would hop on our bikes and ride all over town. We'd even ride to the next town. Now, we live about 1/2 mile from dds best friend, and I drive her to their house. I can't even imagine her walking there by herself down a wooded country road with no sidewalks and few houses. Its way too deserted for my momma radar.

Everything has to be planned now and I think that's why sleepovers have become much more common. The kids are so scheduled and their lives are so structured that they are used to having "appointments" to spend time with their friends. The sleepover is just an older version of the playdate.

As for knowing the parents well... How well do you think you know anybody? No one knows what goes on in another house once the door closes. Even if they are your best friends, you don't know. I trust my daughters intuition and judgement. There are times she has told me that she doesn't want to go to someones house because she doesn't feel comfortable there. I just make excuses for her. But when she does want to go and feels OK there, I usually let her.

 

[twooley2]

I am kind of shocked at the amount of replies that say no because When my girls were turning 8-9 years old both of them 11 months apart we had a slumber party and 35 girls came yep you heard it. Most all stayed too and had a blast. Husband was working nights and my mom in her 50's helped me. I still have pictures lots of them. A couple of years later we did another one and low and behold the same amount from an entire different school and some from the old school came again. Again a blast. We had a glow party, made t- shirts that glowed in the dark, music , had cake and ice cream, fed all of them dinner, made breakfast for them and some of the parents left them at my house till around noon or thereafter and some came early to take them to church. I live in TX in a fairly well to do area and many of the parents this was their first time meeting me. Till this day the kids talk about the party (s) Am I crazy yep? Its fun to see and meet all their friends and see the interaction and get to know who the kids go to school with. They all called me Ms. T (my name put here) when I see them. Although if the responses here are an indication of the newest generation the last 2-3 years I am not sure whats up and say you gotta do what you gotta do. Parenting is in the eye of the parent, and is subjective to how we, ourselves, were raised as children.

What one parent finds acceptable, another parent finds abominable....

Dare I say it is a no-win situation....damned if you do, damned if you dont....

 

[twooley2]

oh here is a very good website with lots of information I found it very interesting on parenting styles and such
http://www.howard-winn.k12.ia.us/projects/ind_stdy05/honors1/overprotective/index.html
and
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=20041112-000010&page=1

 

[Whosemom]

I will confess I love for my kids to GO to sleepovers with families where I am friends with the parents, but I DETEST sleepovers at our house.

I am my 9 yo's girl scout leader, my 12yo's Sunday school teacher, the church youth group leader, I help out at the school all the time. I love kids. but I have just one message for them by 9:00....

"I love you. Go home!"

 

[Momvic5]

luckey-lasvegas

I appreciate your honest reply, and I can understand how you can interprete my no sleepover rule in terms of trust, but honestly, it has nothing to do with asking other parents to trust me. My sleepover rule is not about other families and their trust, but about my children and upholding what is important to me. Other parents reserve the same right. My past experience with sleepovers has led me be to cautious, and sleepovers are always going to happen, so the balance for us has resulted in our no sleepover rule. Whether I am trustworthy or not, or whether someone else is trustworthy or not is not what our rule determines. It just determines how we have decided to handle sleepovers.

Don't get me wrong ~ I love my childen's friends and families. We spend lots of time together in many different social situations, and we feel blessed to have them. I know that they also love my children and would take every measure to keep them safe. In the same respect, I also know that in the privacy of our own homes, we have different ideas of what is appropriate and inappropriate for our children ~ the movies we watch , the language we use, the conversations we have, the music we listen to, the freedoms on the computer, and such. I don't expect them to alter what is normal in their home to convience me and my children, and the only way that upholds what I think is important is having my children stay home in those hours that find families more likely to live privately than socially. Our friends have never voiced their concern or offense to me about my sleepover rule. They know we are a little bit more conservative and that I like having my children home. In fact, they are always more than happy to send their child/children over.

 

[jodifla]

luckey-lasvegas

I appreciate your honest reply, and I can understand how you can interprete my no sleepover rule in terms of trust, but honestly, it has nothing to do with asking other parents to trust me. My sleepover rule is not about other families and their trust, but about my children and upholding what is important to me. Other parents reserve the same right. My past experience with sleepovers has led me be to cautious, and sleepovers are always going to happen, so the balance for us has resulted in our no sleepover rule. Whether I am trustworthy or not, or whether someone else is trustworthy or not is not what our rule determines. It just determines how we have decided to handle sleepovers.

Don't get me wrong ~ I love my childen's friends and families. We spend lots of time together in many different social situations, and we feel blessed to have them. I know that they also love my children and would take every measure to keep them safe. In the same respect, I also know that in the privacy of our own homes, we have different ideas of what is appropriate and inappropriate for our children ~ the movies we watch , the language we use, the conversations we have, the music we listen to, the freedoms on the computer, and such. I don't expect them to alter what is normal in their home to convience me and my children, and the only way that upholds what I think is important is having my children stay home in those hours that find families more likely to live privately than socially. Our friends have never voiced their concern or offense to me about my sleepover rule. They know we are a little bit more conservative and that I like having my children home. In fact, they are always more than happy to send their child/children over.

So sad! So very very sad.

 

[jodifla]

oh here is a very good website with lots of information I found it very interesting on parenting styles and such
http://www.howard-winn.k12.ia.us/projects/ind_stdy05/honors1/overprotective/index.html
and
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=20041112-000010&page=1

Wow...the Psychology Today article on Raising Wimps is very interesting, and after reading the DIS boards for the past five years, it's easy to see why it got this way.

 

[jodifla]

Well see I think it is very nice that you have great memories and it was fun for you. I also am not paranoid about having my kids spend the night somewhere. I just don't see any need for it. I was not allowed to sleep out all over town. I did not miss out on anything. To tell the truth, hardly any of my friends were allowed to sleep out either. We all kind of feel the same way about it. We have our reasons for not allowing it and they are not any less valid than the reasons you or anyone has FOR allowing it. It's like letting your kids play in the front yard (as an example)- some think it is okay and some don't. Neither is the right choice for everyone and neither is the only right choice. For you in particular, you enjoyed this aspect of childhood and think it is great. For me for instance, well I rarely slept out and to be honest the few times I did I don't think it was some Lifetime Memory. I respect your ( not just you but a collective your) views on it but don't think it is really necessary to basically ridicule others for the reasons that they have to think differently. We all have to make choices that best fit our lives. Otherwise there would be one rule book that we would all have to follow with no deviation. So if you allow them then that is great. I hope you have great experiences passing down something that you thought was important as a child. For those of us that don't, well we will pass down many other experiences to our children and some of them may even be ones that you would never even dream of. That's what makes life so interesting!

Certainly, if you are not a sleepover fan, I can see why you wouldn't be interesting in going to them growing up.

But do you insist that your children have the same likes and dislikes that you do? Maybe they do, which is then perfect for your family, but what if they don't? What if the kids are constantly disappointed by having to turn down invitations?

I could get by in life without ice cream as well...or a million other niceties, but what's the point? I feel we only get one go-round in life, so you might as well enjoy it as much as you can.

 

[cruizie]

My dd just turned 6 & has only been invited to 1 official sleepover. She went but we picked her up at 10. We know the parents very well but did not know the other girls (other than the birthday girl) and knowing our daughter, did not think she would be comfortable sleeping away from home with lots of strangers. She & her bff (since they were 2) are always talking about having a sleepover but it has not come to fruition yet - mostly b/c I have not pushed it. It would probably need to be at our house, not b/c I fear anything happening to her at their house, but b/c dd is a big chicken. In fact, a group of us moms & kids all went to the beach this past summer. DD started off sleeping on an inflatable bed w/ her bff. In the middle of the night, she got up & crawled into bed w/ me. I just don't think she would make it all night.

However, in the future, I would not let her sleepover just willy nilly at any old persons house. Of course, just b/c you know someone well, it does not ensure that nothing bad will happen (bad being anything from molestation to getting sick to the girls being mean, etc) but it does give you some reassurance that they are going to a safe environment. I would totally understand a parent saying no to sleepovers & I would totally understand a parent being ok with sleepovers.

As parents, we cannot prevent anything bad from ever happening but we can make decisions to help prevent bad things. I have been told that I am over protective and I am fine with that title. I have to do what I think is best for my child, that is my responsibility, that is my job, that is my duty and that is my honor.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

So sad! So very very sad.

See now that is just rude. You sound like just the person she would not want her kids to be around. You come off as the type who if you didn't agree with someone else's choices you would do what you want regardless of their wishes if the child was with you. It is your way or the wrong way. That is ridiculous! I know that we have butted heads so to speak before on some topics, but I do respect that you have different ideas than me on some issues and have been able to see other sides of an issue as well. I don't however think you are just so sad because of your choices. I think you made those choices because they are best for your family. Telling someone they are "so very very sad" because they don't allow something that you do is just ignorant. Sorry. I find it rude too. I have already stated that I think it is great that you have these wonderful sleepover memories, but that does not mean that everyone thinks they are the end all be all. It doesn't make anyone's choices better than the other. Just different. I think you are being condescending.

 

[jodifla]

See now that is just rude. You sound like just the person she would not want her kids to be around. You come off as the type who if you didn't agree with someone else's choices you would do what you want regardless of their wishes if the child was with you. It is your way or the wrong way. That is ridiculous! I know that we have butted heads so to speak before on some topics, but I do respect that you have different ideas than me on some issues and have been able to see other sides of an issue as well. I don't however think you are just so sad because of your choices. I think you made those choices because they are best for your family. Telling someone they are "so very very sad" because they don't allow something that you do is just ignorant. Sorry. I find it rude too. I have already stated that I think it is great that you have these wonderful sleepover memories, but that does not mean that everyone thinks they are the end all be all. It doesn't make anyone's choices better than the other. Just different. I think you are being condescending.

A couple of points: I always respect a parent's wishes when their child is around. If a parent said "No ABC for my child," I'm certainly not going to give their child ABC. But I wouldn't back down from my assertion that ABC would actually be pretty danged fun for the kid (when said child was not around, of course.)

And as for the blanket, politically correct statement..."It's just different." Well, sometimes, it's not just different. Sometimes, it's worse. (Although I can see that most wouldn't equate "no sleepovers ever" with worse.)

Again, much as I loved my parents, I didn't walk away from their arbitrary rules, thinking it was a different way of living. I thought it was a worse way of living, and the second I turned 18, I went about living my life my own way as quickly as possible.

My father said no pierced ears? I was in the store the day I turned 18 to get them (They were a gift from my best friend, who is still my best friend.) And on it went....

I don't make blanket rules of "we don't". I assess each situation separately and make the call.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

A couple of points: I always respect a parent's wishes when their child is around. If a parent said "No ABC for my child," I'm certainly not going to give their child ABC. But I wouldn't back down from my assertion that ABC would actually be pretty danged fun for the kid (when said child was not around, of course.)

And as for the blanket, politically correct statement..."It's just different." Well, sometimes, it's not just different. Sometimes, it's worse. (Although I can see that most wouldn't equate "no sleepovers ever" with worse.)

Again, much as I loved my parents, I didn't walk away from their arbitrary rules, thinking it was a different way of living. I thought it was a worse way of living, and the second I turned 18, I went about living my life my own way as quickly as possible.

My father said no pierced ears? I was in the store the day I turned 18 to get them (They were a gift from my best friend, who is still my best friend.) And on it went....

I don't make blanket rules of "we don't". I assess each situation separately and make the call.

See now I can understand where you might be coming from. BUT- we had alot of rules growing up. Some of them were so ridiculous that we still laugh about them to this day. As an example- "You cannot go into a bounce house at the carnival! You will get lice!!!!" I kid you not. My Mom was dead serious. We never went in a bounce house. We tease her to this day about it! In fact whenever my sister and I say no to our kids we sometimes follow it up with "because you'll get lice!" as a joke. (as a side note- I do allow my kids to go on bounce houses at carnivals and we have our own at home as well). For your particular situation you felt that the rules were for no reason at all. You say that once you turned 18 you went and did whatever they told you not to. Well, my sister and I didn't. We did some things that my parents would not allow at a young age (tatoo etc.) but we didn't just do things because they said no to it growing up. My sister and I both had friends that came to live with us while we were growing up also so their rules could not have been so horrible that other kids that were not required to wanted to live there. We had many great experiences growing up that many adults have yet to have. Our parents made rules because they had a reason for it. We didn't always like it and let them know it but that's the way it goes. We are very close with my parents. We tease them about silly things from our childhood and I am sure our kids will do the same. Anyway- I do agree that each situation needs to be assesed. Will I change my mind about this issue one day? It is possible- you never know.

 

[delmar411]

I know this is a hot topic because I've seen it time and time again. Never knew it was a big deal until I saw it on message boards though. IRL no one I know really refuses sleepovers.

My DD sleeps out. I don't let her have friends over because honestly I don't want to deal with another child here. Other ppl's children need a different level of supervision than my own (I feel the need to be the *perfect* parent when other kids are here) and it's too stressful right now. When the kids are older they can have friends over and I won't have to worry about breaking up tiffs over who sleeps where or who was mean to each other.

Anyway I don't know all the parents, many I've never met. I know the kids though and their siblings. Some parents I know better than others. Some have even watched my kids for me for one reason or another. But I know where my DD is, who is there as she isn't allowed to sleepover when it is just a dad or adult male in charge, the phone number, misc things like that. She isn't allowed to go anywhere with them unless it is pre-approved by me. Things like that.

She is a social butterfly. She wants to sleep over even within the houses we visit....when we visited my mom overseas, she slept over one night at the cook's residence (her apartment within the main house! LOL). She's that girl who will have a place of her own just to crash occasionally and be on the go non-stop otherwise. It's who she is and tying her down to our house makes everyone miserable.

I slept out at friends houses as a child but never slept well. I just don't sleep well away from my bed. So I did it as a social thing but not something I wanted to do all the time. I rarely had anyone sleep over until I was in HS. I think that had a lot to do with my parents also having that stressful need to be perfect when someone else was around. LOL

Anyway, to each their own. Restricting your kids will either be nothing to them or a + or a - ....it's really a roll of the dice. Same thing with letting them do their own thing. It's too bad we can't get any guarantees with our child rearing decisions.

 

[dogluva]

My oldest five children go on sleepovers and have all lived to tell about it. I use common sense. I know the people and make sure they don't drink or do other dangerous stuff. Luckily, we have not had any problems.

I think kids need to be exposed to other families. It makes them realize what is going on in the world. What is the point in sheltering them, they are going to experience it at one time or another. Ok, protect them, fine. But on this board, some think that they are the only parents who are doing everyting right, the rest of the world is a scary, scary place there precious darlings cannot be exposed to.

I am so glad I am a middle of the road parent. I want my kids to be safe but not grow up paranoid like some posts I have read. Yes, it can happen but so can a lot of things. Just pulling out of the driveway can be risky.

My mother was the least overprotective parent I knew. All three of us turned out great. I have many happy memories of my childhood that kids would never do now. It is a different world but there has to be some middle ground.

I read some of these post and really, you might as well just keep your kids in a bubble.

 

[dvcdisney]

I'm really late in the game in contributing to this discussion. But I just wanted to say that when I was young, I was invited to numerous sleepovers and I was not permitted to go until I was 16. I was very upset with them.

But to be honest, as a parent, I can understand their concern. It would really depend on the age and maturity level of my child. But most importantly, as some had pointed out, it depends on how comfortable you are as a parent to allow them. I have very young children now and I cannot really comment on it. But as I see myself, there is a very good chance, I wouldn't let them have sleepovers until they are a lot older.

I do regret getting upset with my parents about not letting me go. But I'm glad they knew that no matter how upset I was with them, they followed their own instincts. I just shutter at the thought of all those invitations I had and some were not even great friends and I know that my parents didn't know them too well. Now that I am older, I can truly understand.

You are the parent and you know what's best for your children.

 

[Harlie]

My kids are not really old enough or mature enough to go to sleep overs at a friends house. They sleep over at grandma's or we have our niece sleep over at our home occasionally. My two older kids have never expressed any interest in going to a friends for a sleep over. The fact that my DD still wears pull ups at night probally disinterests her , and the fact that my DS7 throws fits almost everynight probally deters him away from wanting too.

So at this momment I would say no to(non-family) sleep overs, but I may change my mind when they are older (10-12ish) and more .