Sleepovers- do you let your daughter go?

[Rylee]

I have done this with my DD as well, she knows that she can use that line at any time and I'm okay with it! I know she has used it once at the pool, some kids were trying to get her to jump in the deep end.

I try to teach my children to always do the right thing, simply because it's the right thing to do. I also tell them, if they do the right thing, they'll never have to answer to anyone.

However, I know making the right choices is not always the popular choice, nor is it easy to "lecture" your peers. So, I tried to play out different senarios for different situations, giving them options and ready-made answers if they should find themselves in an uncomfortable position.

 

[2Kds2K9]

My DD is coming up on 12 and I limit her sleepovers for the sheer fact that she's nasty for two days afterward. Yep, I try to tell her to get to bed at a decent time, but it never seems to work. Therefore, she's up til the wee hours and then an absolute grouch for two days. Not worth it to me.

Also, I've had the nightmare of all Mom's. DD was spending the day with a friend. A friend whom I've known for several years along with the relatives she was being raised by. (Her Dad and Mom were out of the picture. Long story) Anyway, towards the end of the day, I was called by DD and asked if she could spend the night. No problem, I'll come over with PJ's and other stuff. When I arrived, the male was drunker than a skunk! I could not believe what I was witnessing. He was stumbling and his eyes were huge. I drove home in shock not knowing what to do. My DH jumped up and told me to go back and get DD. I called the female and told her this was the hardest phone call I've ever made. Told her what I witnessed and because of that, I would be over to get my DD. She was appalled that I would do such a thing. Wanted to know what I thought could go wrong. I about went nuts! I told her that I was on my way to get my DD and would make up some excuse as to why I had changed my mind. Oddly enough, DD seemed relieved when I brought her home. I think she had some idea that something was wrong with the man and felt better to be out of there.

Bottom line. As any mother will state, always go with your gut. If it doesn't feel right, then don't allow it to happen.

Good luck!
Leigh

 

[disneybound31]

I think age does make a difference. An 8yo is much more vulnerable than a 12-14yo, that's a fact. When I was about 10-11 I was molested in the middle of the night by my best friends father. I never told a soul and I never went back over there. I suppose my mother could have delved deeper to find out why I suddenly didn't want to hang around with Bonnie, but for whatever reasons she didn't. That's water under the bridge now, but you can bet I'm alert (almost hyperalert) for suspicious activity between adults and children.

My DD14 is allowed to sleepover and I host sleepovers for her. However, we have met and interacted with the parents of her BFFs. We know their brothers well(those that have them.) DD has been allowed to go on band & chorus trips, with and without us chaperoning. We aren't afraid to veto an overnight if we feel uncomfortable.

In just a few years my DD will be going off to college. She will be making her own decisions about where and with whom she sleeps. I hope that I have been able to instill in her a sense of caution and discernment so that she will be able to listen to her gut when she finds herself in an icky situation.

I want to add that, as a child, I was a very confident 12-13 year old when I was exposed (literally) to inappropriate sexual conduct while having a sleepover with my aunt and her husband. I refuse to call him my uncle as he tried everything to molest me and now I realize he worked at this for months and months grooming me so I would not tell. After barricading myself in their bathroom all night long (aunt was long asleep) whle he knocked for hours and tried to trick me out I finally got home terrified, but still never told for months afterward. I was so scared and even tho I was close to my parents, he had managed to somehow convince me they would be mad, not believe me, that I was a part of it, etc.... It was horrible. He then called me for YEARS harrassing me sexually- even once after I went off to college- even after he and my aunt finally divorced.

Finally, after a few more months of hell I told my parents because I was more terrified he might try to harm my younger sister or brother. So please don't think that a pre-teen or young teenager is streetwise enough to get her or himself out of a situation when in reality it is almost impossible to figure out with a terrifed, young mind. I should have just woken up my aunt... but I honestly was just trying to survive the night and was not able to think of that as an immediate solution.

I have two young kids. I, also, am hypersensitive about taking care of them. I will do everything in my power to have them reach adulthood without the fears and emotional difficulties I have faced because of the abuse.

 

[mylilnikita]

I didn't sleep over anyone's house until I was in 5th grade, but DD9 has been to sleep overs since she was 5. And it was after I got to know the parents, and get this, it was a boy, her best friend. But he has a little sister too so they camped out in the living room.
And both the other Mom and I had similar upbringings or lack thereof and talked about our concerns and all that. We even went to Oahu in October and she spent the night with them.
There is a neighbor who had moved when our DD's were 2 but moved back about 2 years ago. Her DD goes to private school and also has a lot of activities during the week, so they don't get to see each other as often. The great grandmother-it is a young grandmother famiy, will ask to take my DD along with her great granddaughter to dinner, movie or stay the night, go to museums and I will take the girl out with my dd when possible.
Get to know the parents, your child should be having different experiences and meeting kids that have different backgrounds. Except the other poster who mentioned the drunk father, that would be a definite no.
I am blessed that I have met these parents etc., because no only have they enriched my DD's life but mine as well.

 

[Momvic5]

Computers and the internet are also a concern with sleepovers and even play dates these days. We sometimes forget about the safety of our computers and what our children might be exposed to especially if they are going to be playing on it without parental supervision. I know several children who have been exposed to horrible things while playing at a friend's house. Just thought I mention this since web games are so popular these days.

To the poster who said she would be crushed and angry at our no sleepover rule ~ First of all, this is a rule we came up with as a family when it became an issue, and second, sometimes children have to learn to deal with rules that are set up in their homes. The few rules that hold firm in my home are the rules that set boundaries and protect. I had an incident occur while at a next door neighbhor's sleepover when I was young, and that incident was the greatest factor when deciding our no sleepover rule. No, bad incidents are not likely to happen, but they do occur sometimes, and some of them are just too much for a child to have to handle. No sleepovers is just one way that I can avoid some of them and protect my children. Like I said in my first post, my children can play, but they need to come home to sleep. Not only do they sleep better, but so do I.

 

[Tess'smom]

I think that at 12 my daughter is a loud speaker and if something were off or odd she would tell me. A ride on the school bus is just as dangerous nowadays. Example my 13 year old told me they have assigned seats and that she is forced to sit with a girl who is what the kids refer to as gothis or EMo and that these kids make her feel uncomfortable because one of them told her that she can see the future. In addition she was in a class of kids who were juvinile dilinquints and on drugs ( in jr high) spoke to the school counselor and she said well this is a public school. I just hope I am equipping her for this so called expectaion of life according to others good and bad values to make the right decisions. I wish I could say no to all lifes risk but it is just not feasible. although I agree that some parents should place a little effort but even meeting a parent doesnt guarantee anything people you have known for years can turn out to be quacks

What are "gothis and EMo?

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I would never tell my daughter she could not do sleepovers...because that was one of my favorite things to do as a kid!

However, I would have to meet the family, and if I didn't know them well, then I would probably only let my daughter stay over if it was a slumber "party" ex. a large group of girls together- not just my daughter and a friend.

But, to each his/ her own.

 

[twooley2]

just as we had sterotype clicks in school like preps and burnouts this generation has their new ones which are disturbing
http://www.gothicpunk.co.nz/
and this is the best description here on yahoo answers
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080114080243AAhysK4

 

[Diamondintheruff]

Shouldn'g we all be doing our homework everytime our children go to someone elses house whether it be a sleepover or not? Our children can still be harmed during daylight hours as well.

That being said, there have been and will continue to be times that I let my children have sleepovers and times where I say no. Each circumstance is unique.

 

[kato0627]

My DD is 6 (today). She has had one sleepover with my neighbor last year with one other little girl. We have known them for 5 years and are excellent friends/neighbors. I allowed her to spend the night only b/c we were right next door. My girlfriend slept in the room with the girls to ensure they were ok. The girls had a blast,but I would not make a habit out of this. I feel much more comfortable when my children are with me. My boys ages 10-7 have only had a few sleepovers (10year old) and my 7 has had none. I worry about fires, the kids getting sick etc. I do not think we will have any sleepovers here ( I don't have the patience ). One child is fine, but not a group. I think each case is different, but you need to feel comfortable for your child's safety.

 

[sl_underwood]

We do sleepovers but only with people we know. Granted, I am lucky enough to know nearly all of my childrens friends and their parents since we homeschool and the majority belong to our homeschool group. The other friends they have are from swim team, dance, soccer, etc. and I have met those families too. I would not feel comfortable sending my kids to someone I have never met. I would rather avoid placing them in a potentially disasterous situation.

 

[Momvic5]

Yes, many incidents can happen in the daytime, but the OP asked about sleepovers. The night hours find us more vulnerable, and some of us are just more comfortable with having our kids at home while we are sleeping and oblivious to the world.

I think most of us do do our homework, but sometimes even though we have given it our best effort, we still make a failing grade. It may not be often, but it still happens. Sleepovers for me just put us in a more vulnerable position. Yes, friends and playing are necessary but sleepovers are not.

 

[karliebug]

I allow my 9 year old to sleep over at her brownie leader's house with her best friend. I've known this lady for years. DD wanted to have a sleepover this year but I don't really know the parents of her other friends and figured they wouldn't let their girls come so instead we are having a "Pajama Party". The girls will wear their pajamas and we will watch movies and do crafts,etc. and then go home to sleep in their own beds. I plan on having it from 5-9 pm. It seemed like a good compromise and my DD was thrilled with the idea. Plus-I will get a good nights sleep and not have to referee nonsense all night long.

 

[BeckityBobbidyBoo!]

My dd has had 2 negative sleepover experiences. When she was 10 a friend who she had known 4 years and had sleepovers with before invited her over. On the way I talked about the fact that the mom was single and could have a boyfriend and if that boyfriend was there past 9pm for her to call me and I would pick her and have her not sleepover. I didn't think this would be the case because although the mom had been single over the last 4 years, I'd never seen her with a boyfriend at the home or at school, etc. I also gave dd my cellphone and instructions that if she felt uncomfortable, to call me. Well, we drove up and saw an unfamiliar car. Wouldn't you know it- the mom had a boyfriend over. I dropped dd off and got in the car and called my dad and said that I was uncomfortable myself and that I was going to call the house in a 1/2 hour with a fake emergency and pick her up. Well, 20 minutes after I dropped dd off, she called me from the cell, she wanted to come home. Her friend was telling her about how her mom's boyfriend likes to tease her friends-I was over there lickety split and we've never done a sleepover or a playdate there since. Nothing happened, but that is exactly the scenario in which something would.
Second incident was a sleepover b-day to the friend whose dad is the Catholic school principal where dd attends. This was a friend to dd for a year and a half, the girls got along great. Well at this sleepover the girl and her other friends became different people. Dd 12, was exposed to some really bad video on youtube and 'girl talk' about subjects that dd has never even heard of. Racist comments, talk about gay/lesbian, '********', on and on- all the subjects we've just talked about equality for everyone. The other girls' attitudes and comments were just shocking to dd and me. She was especially disturbed by the comments about '********' people because her brother has issues. The girls knew she was uncomfortable too, she had to leave the room a few times. This has resulted in a loss of that friendship which is a good thing in the long run, but hard on her right now. I wish she would have called me to pick her up, but that would have been even more uncomfortable to have to leave.
Do boys do sleepovers a lot? My boys haven't done any yet and I'm kind of hoping to keep it that way.

 

[GothTink]

I think that at 12 my daughter is a loud speaker and if something were off or odd she would tell me. A ride on the school bus is just as dangerous nowadays. Example my 13 year old told me they have assigned seats and that she is forced to sit with a girl who is what the kids refer to as gothis or EMo and that these kids make her feel uncomfortable because one of them told her that she can see the future.

There are worse things in the world.

 

[chrisw127]

It's sort of a moot point right now since our kids are five years old and under, but we are extremely careful about who we let around them. I probably worry too much, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

My dearest friend's father was the headmaster of a very exclusive private elementary school for many years. He often invited the children of his co-workers over for weekends with his kids and the co-workers thought he was such a nice guy. Well, he was molesting those kids and his own; he has never been charged with anything. I just keep thinking of those parents who thought their kid was safe.

I don't intend to live my life in fear, but it's just as easy (when the time comes) to invite the kids over to your house. That's why we have a huge playroom. I'd much rather know my kids are upstairs and safe. I'm often surprised at how readily parents allow their kids to come visit our house. Some of them don't know our last name. Others have never asked for a phone number! What gives?

 

[disney[xo]sweetie]

What are "gothis and EMo?

usually that is a stereotype for a depressed or troubled child that resorts to isolation and self-harm such as cutting. not the warm-fuzzy type.

and for my kids, we love sleepovers. usually im ok with it i have dd6 twins and they have friends from dance that stay at our house some nights and play barbies and dress-up, i let them do their thing, and i tell them that they should get to bed at a reasonable time or else they'll be grouchy the next morning, and
surprisingly i stop hearing the giggles at about 9 at nite! the kids know the choice is up to them, and they always seem to pick the right one on their own! my dd13 seems to always be at a friends, and i know all the parents pretty well, and shes got her cell phone with her to call me about where she is and what shes doing if theres a change of plans. but im not sure now because now theres a boyfriend involved, and boys houses, and parties...so i think theres a "talk" in the works. but other than that, i would like to say im happy with my kids making choices on their own, and learning.

 

[tmarquez]

My DD(5) has slept over at a friends house a couple of times. Of course we know the people very well, they grew up with DH and are pretty much "family". Was I 100% comfortable? No. The focus here has been on molestation for the most part, but ANYthing can happen, you know an accident or who knows. I guess my thing is that if something were to happen to DD over there (as opossed to at home) how would that effect things with the family friendship.

I am much more comfortable with having DD's friend sleep over here. And the kids seem to like it better that way too...after all we are the "fun" house.

Also...as far as the goth kids...I was in with that group back in high school and I have to strongly disagree with one of the previous posters. I was not depressed, never got in trouble, didn't drink and have to this day never tried any drugs. I certainly never cut myself (although I had a non-goth friend, through our parents, who was a cheerleader/popular girl and she did cut herself). We just liked certain music and crazy clothes.

 

[disney[xo]sweetie]

Also...as far as the goth kids...I was in with that group back in high school and I have to strongly disagree with one of the previous posters. I was not depressed, never got in trouble, didn't drink and have to this day never tried any drugs. I certainly never cut myself (although I had a non-goth friend, through our parents, who was a cheerleader/popular girl and she did cut herself). We just liked certain music and crazy clothes.

oops, yeah you're right. i was kind of thinking of extremes, but yeah i agree with you there are SO many types of people its hard to pin down a defenition of a stereotype especially goth or emo.

 

[bellebud]

We have made rules for our girls that they cannot sleep over at a friends unless we know the family well. It surprises me how many people just drop off their child at a friend's house to stay overnight that they have never met.That is just scary. Comments?

My dd8 has tried a couple of times to sleep over a friends house and my mom's house... she can't make it all night (gets scared), so I said no more even trying for a couple of years, and she seems relieved (it was always her idea to begin with, but i think she just felt like she 'should' be having sleep-overs).

My ds6 has asked, and I say he's too young and his couple of good friends mom's say the same thing to their ds's. When he's a little older, we'll see.

I will be VERY selective as to whose house they may sleep at, just as i'm very selective as to whose house they may play at. I always welcome all the friends here at our house, to play and sleep.

When I was a child, I HATED sleepovers... I was such a chicken! I was terrified of ghosts, etc. So I understand my dd being scared. I definitely wasn't comfortable until I was a teenager. So to the moms who say 'no sleepovers' to their kids, it's fine! They're not missing out on the most precious thing of childhood. Not all kids enjoy them.

I have been surprised at a few parents who have let their kids come over my house to play and/or sleep without 'really' knowing us. I always think when someone is WAY more allowing than me that they've never been affected by bad 'stuff' as a child, the way I was. When moms say "oh, it's fine, what could happen????!!" I want to say "would you like a list???" As another poster said, it's not just the molestation thing (of course that's a big one though). It's basic safety issues too (gun, pool, etc). I try to not live in a bubble because of my past, and my kids have good friends and playdates all the time, but you bet i'm selective about the company we all keep. I think that's just good common sense though, for children and adults.