kjs1976
Thanks for the magic, Walt!
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2001
- Messages
- 2,573
I will try to make this back story as SHORT as possible, but it may be hard!
DH have been together for almost 15 years and married for almost 9. DH has a controlling mother who truly does have her nice and kind side, but always wants things done her way. She was an only child of an alcoholic single-mother and she had to always be the one in control, so I get where she comes from, even though it has been rather hurtful at times. DH has twin sisters who are 3.5 years older than him. One is just like mom, one is more quiet like dad, but still very opinionated. Mom and the two girls run/control everything. I think DH was always told what to do and was the "little boy" in the house and now that he's an adult, is still occasionally treated that way.
DH moved to my town before we got married because I got a teaching job here and at the time he could work from where ever w/his job. His mom got kinda upset since it is ONE HOUR away from them and right by MY parents. For me that was a non-issue because all of my relatives live 2.5-4 hrs. away so I am used to driving that far to see people. It has always been a sore spot for her since we are now the only ones farther away from his immediate fam that are no more than 20 min. away from each other.
The first huge incident: In his family, we are expected to attend all family gatherings for holidays, graduations, communions, etc. You maybe don't call or chat in between these times, but going to something for everyone is somehow mandatory. We do try to get to everything we can. 5 years ago we were unable to attend his cousin's confirmation because it was the same day as my brother's college graduation 2 hrs. away. His mom was mad at him because we didn't even commit to coming to the confirmation party after the 2 hr. grad ceremony which was 2 hrs. away. She didn't talk to us for about a week so I called his sister "Becky" to see what was up with his mom. "Becky" began to rip me a new one about how we are selfish and do more with my family and don't make his family a priority. His mom was so hurt by that that she didn't want to talk to us. Plus, they felt I didn't care much about their family because instead of playing cards with the family after Easter dinner I took a walk by myself (unseasonably warm April day, I never play cards, I took a 20 min. walk after sitting for 3 hrs. with the family talking), and I didn't seem interested in his twin nieces at their birthday party and just sat there (it was a double-family party and there was sooooo much commotion with all the people that I did sit on the stairs and watch because there was no room on the furniture to sit and the 3 yr. old girls were so cranked up that they barely stood still long enough to open presents). She went on to say that DH needed to make more of an effort...yadda yadda...and we both left the conversation crying. DH then called his mom and had it out w/her and found out she did feel sorta that way but "Becky" blew it out of proportion, and she was upset at Becky for doing that. It really wasn't resolved.
Fast forward to Mother's Day a week later that year. We went to give his g-ma flowers, who lived about 20 min. away from his parents. His mom called while we were there and asked if we would just stop by. DH didn't want to, but I said maybe we should. When we got there, his two sisters stepped out of hiding (they hid their cars in the garage and garage was closed) and basically ambushed us into talking to work things out. DH wanted to walk out, which now looking back we should have, but I said just listen to what they have to say. They talked at him for about 1/2 hr. and tried to apologize, but he refused to talk. I accepted their apology and gave my own explanation of events so they could realize we never did anything on purpose to hurt them. It was so bizarre, but I knew we were in the right and there weren't any get-togethers scheduled until Aug., so we all had time to cool off and move forward.
We did move forward and things seemed better. However, there were always comments that were very judgmental about one of us. MIL had a blow up at us when DD was 2 months old. Apparently she had sent an e-mail which I never got about taking DD for the night so we could get some sleep. Keep in mind DD was 2 months old and I would have NEVER agreed to this with anyone because I was a new mom and it never crossed my mind. When she asked DH about picking DD up and he had no clue, she assumed I never told him and got mad at me. So there was a big phone blow up of me never letting her see my daughter. Om, she was 2 months old, she came over only TWICE in that time period and we did go to about 4 family events in that time period where she was there. She never once offered to com and watch DD or help me out and neither did his sisters. My mom was over once every other day. We've heard Becky make comments about us or our parenting. We have a DD 2.5 and she has twin sons who are 3 months younger. When Becky went to change one son's diaper at a x-mas party this past year DH said, "Oh Sammy, are you going to get your dipie (dye-pee?) changed?" because we put ys and ie's on the ends of some works when talking with DD. Becky immediately corrected DH in a very harsh voice and said, "It is DIAPER not DIAPEE so please don't talk that way around Sam and Jack." Although she herself calls Sammy "Sam-Sams".
Fast forward to last week. MIL was trying to schedule a time to get together w/ DH and DD at a lake to fish with the sisters and their kids. DH didn't call her back for two days after she had left a message. I had e-mailed her and said he would be working late then early so he might not call for a day or so. She never responded to my e-mail, which is unlike her. He finally called about 3 days later after she left another snotty message. The whole attitude on the voice mails was because he didn't call back right away and she just wanted him to do the calling back. He asked if she tried his cell phone (which is on 24-7) or e-mail/call me, to which she replied "no". All of this was just over her needing to tell him what day and what time to meet for fishing.
2 nights later Becky is on Facebook and IMs him asking if I'm around. I was upstairs getting ready for bed so DH said no, I had gone to bed. Well, I forgot something downstairs so I came back down. He tells me about her asking about me and he's thinking she needs to ask me something and I say, yea right, she wants to tell you something and make sure I'm not in the room. Sure enough her next post was, "I think you should talk to (me) and ask her to let (DD) stay overnight at mom's" DH was blindsided by this because although once a while back his mom did say that she would like that and we told her we had no problem w/that when DD was a little older, she has never asked to have DD stay over night. I know his sisters' kids do more often, but the older ones are 8 and that sister only ever uses them or her inlaws as babysitters. His reply was, "Well she doesn't even like staying over at (my mom's) right now because she's going through a wanting to be at home phase so we just don't do sleep overs" Well this escalated into her telling DH that we don't trust MIL to take care of DD, we don't want her to stay over there, and we never have DD spend time with MIL. She also told us that "you don't give 2 year olds choices. you let her stay over there and she'll cry for a while and then forget about it." At that point DH disconnected from FB, but then she called us. Although I never got on the phone, by DHs comments, she was in rare form. All DH kept saying is "You're being ridiculous." Which she was. BTW, I go out of my way to take DD to see them at least once a month during the school year when DH is working weekends and invite them up at least once a month...and that isn't including holidays or fam functions which equal 1-3 times a month!
They all ended up going fishing 2 days later. DH called MIL and told her about the phone call and once again, she felt that way sorta, but not like Becky had made it seem. She had opened her big mouth again.
MIL hasn't called us or e-mailed in a week since the fishing trip. It is unlike her not to just send an e-mail. "Becky" never apologized, but has posted nice friendly comments to my Facebook posts, to which I ignore and just shake my head and go, what? Last week you judged us so harshly and said nasty things about me and our parenting and us as selfish uncaring people and now you're BFFs with me???? Nuh-uh.
What I really want to do is to call Becky or meet her in person and just tell her point blank something like this; you don't treat us like this or talk to us like this EVER again. This is not how you love someone and this is not how you communicate with people or treat family. We probably need to agree to disagree about somethings, which is fine, but no matter what, you will never speak to us this way again or we're done.
DH and I agreed that we won't tolerate her behavior and if it means not seeing her or her fam, then we won't. It will shake things up with his mom and other sis for a while, but she needs to know we won't be talked to this way or treated this way.
What do you think? Should I attempt to have this conversation with Becky or leave things lie? I don't think she will ever apologize unless confronted. I think if we go on no speaking then we will again be the bad people in his mom and sister's eyes for not getting over it. Can't wait to hear your responses whatever they may be. Thanks for reading...so hard to condense the last 9 years into something strangers will understand!
DH have been together for almost 15 years and married for almost 9. DH has a controlling mother who truly does have her nice and kind side, but always wants things done her way. She was an only child of an alcoholic single-mother and she had to always be the one in control, so I get where she comes from, even though it has been rather hurtful at times. DH has twin sisters who are 3.5 years older than him. One is just like mom, one is more quiet like dad, but still very opinionated. Mom and the two girls run/control everything. I think DH was always told what to do and was the "little boy" in the house and now that he's an adult, is still occasionally treated that way.
DH moved to my town before we got married because I got a teaching job here and at the time he could work from where ever w/his job. His mom got kinda upset since it is ONE HOUR away from them and right by MY parents. For me that was a non-issue because all of my relatives live 2.5-4 hrs. away so I am used to driving that far to see people. It has always been a sore spot for her since we are now the only ones farther away from his immediate fam that are no more than 20 min. away from each other.
The first huge incident: In his family, we are expected to attend all family gatherings for holidays, graduations, communions, etc. You maybe don't call or chat in between these times, but going to something for everyone is somehow mandatory. We do try to get to everything we can. 5 years ago we were unable to attend his cousin's confirmation because it was the same day as my brother's college graduation 2 hrs. away. His mom was mad at him because we didn't even commit to coming to the confirmation party after the 2 hr. grad ceremony which was 2 hrs. away. She didn't talk to us for about a week so I called his sister "Becky" to see what was up with his mom. "Becky" began to rip me a new one about how we are selfish and do more with my family and don't make his family a priority. His mom was so hurt by that that she didn't want to talk to us. Plus, they felt I didn't care much about their family because instead of playing cards with the family after Easter dinner I took a walk by myself (unseasonably warm April day, I never play cards, I took a 20 min. walk after sitting for 3 hrs. with the family talking), and I didn't seem interested in his twin nieces at their birthday party and just sat there (it was a double-family party and there was sooooo much commotion with all the people that I did sit on the stairs and watch because there was no room on the furniture to sit and the 3 yr. old girls were so cranked up that they barely stood still long enough to open presents). She went on to say that DH needed to make more of an effort...yadda yadda...and we both left the conversation crying. DH then called his mom and had it out w/her and found out she did feel sorta that way but "Becky" blew it out of proportion, and she was upset at Becky for doing that. It really wasn't resolved.
Fast forward to Mother's Day a week later that year. We went to give his g-ma flowers, who lived about 20 min. away from his parents. His mom called while we were there and asked if we would just stop by. DH didn't want to, but I said maybe we should. When we got there, his two sisters stepped out of hiding (they hid their cars in the garage and garage was closed) and basically ambushed us into talking to work things out. DH wanted to walk out, which now looking back we should have, but I said just listen to what they have to say. They talked at him for about 1/2 hr. and tried to apologize, but he refused to talk. I accepted their apology and gave my own explanation of events so they could realize we never did anything on purpose to hurt them. It was so bizarre, but I knew we were in the right and there weren't any get-togethers scheduled until Aug., so we all had time to cool off and move forward.
We did move forward and things seemed better. However, there were always comments that were very judgmental about one of us. MIL had a blow up at us when DD was 2 months old. Apparently she had sent an e-mail which I never got about taking DD for the night so we could get some sleep. Keep in mind DD was 2 months old and I would have NEVER agreed to this with anyone because I was a new mom and it never crossed my mind. When she asked DH about picking DD up and he had no clue, she assumed I never told him and got mad at me. So there was a big phone blow up of me never letting her see my daughter. Om, she was 2 months old, she came over only TWICE in that time period and we did go to about 4 family events in that time period where she was there. She never once offered to com and watch DD or help me out and neither did his sisters. My mom was over once every other day. We've heard Becky make comments about us or our parenting. We have a DD 2.5 and she has twin sons who are 3 months younger. When Becky went to change one son's diaper at a x-mas party this past year DH said, "Oh Sammy, are you going to get your dipie (dye-pee?) changed?" because we put ys and ie's on the ends of some works when talking with DD. Becky immediately corrected DH in a very harsh voice and said, "It is DIAPER not DIAPEE so please don't talk that way around Sam and Jack." Although she herself calls Sammy "Sam-Sams".
Fast forward to last week. MIL was trying to schedule a time to get together w/ DH and DD at a lake to fish with the sisters and their kids. DH didn't call her back for two days after she had left a message. I had e-mailed her and said he would be working late then early so he might not call for a day or so. She never responded to my e-mail, which is unlike her. He finally called about 3 days later after she left another snotty message. The whole attitude on the voice mails was because he didn't call back right away and she just wanted him to do the calling back. He asked if she tried his cell phone (which is on 24-7) or e-mail/call me, to which she replied "no". All of this was just over her needing to tell him what day and what time to meet for fishing.
2 nights later Becky is on Facebook and IMs him asking if I'm around. I was upstairs getting ready for bed so DH said no, I had gone to bed. Well, I forgot something downstairs so I came back down. He tells me about her asking about me and he's thinking she needs to ask me something and I say, yea right, she wants to tell you something and make sure I'm not in the room. Sure enough her next post was, "I think you should talk to (me) and ask her to let (DD) stay overnight at mom's" DH was blindsided by this because although once a while back his mom did say that she would like that and we told her we had no problem w/that when DD was a little older, she has never asked to have DD stay over night. I know his sisters' kids do more often, but the older ones are 8 and that sister only ever uses them or her inlaws as babysitters. His reply was, "Well she doesn't even like staying over at (my mom's) right now because she's going through a wanting to be at home phase so we just don't do sleep overs" Well this escalated into her telling DH that we don't trust MIL to take care of DD, we don't want her to stay over there, and we never have DD spend time with MIL. She also told us that "you don't give 2 year olds choices. you let her stay over there and she'll cry for a while and then forget about it." At that point DH disconnected from FB, but then she called us. Although I never got on the phone, by DHs comments, she was in rare form. All DH kept saying is "You're being ridiculous." Which she was. BTW, I go out of my way to take DD to see them at least once a month during the school year when DH is working weekends and invite them up at least once a month...and that isn't including holidays or fam functions which equal 1-3 times a month!
They all ended up going fishing 2 days later. DH called MIL and told her about the phone call and once again, she felt that way sorta, but not like Becky had made it seem. She had opened her big mouth again.
MIL hasn't called us or e-mailed in a week since the fishing trip. It is unlike her not to just send an e-mail. "Becky" never apologized, but has posted nice friendly comments to my Facebook posts, to which I ignore and just shake my head and go, what? Last week you judged us so harshly and said nasty things about me and our parenting and us as selfish uncaring people and now you're BFFs with me???? Nuh-uh.
What I really want to do is to call Becky or meet her in person and just tell her point blank something like this; you don't treat us like this or talk to us like this EVER again. This is not how you love someone and this is not how you communicate with people or treat family. We probably need to agree to disagree about somethings, which is fine, but no matter what, you will never speak to us this way again or we're done.
DH and I agreed that we won't tolerate her behavior and if it means not seeing her or her fam, then we won't. It will shake things up with his mom and other sis for a while, but she needs to know we won't be talked to this way or treated this way.
What do you think? Should I attempt to have this conversation with Becky or leave things lie? I don't think she will ever apologize unless confronted. I think if we go on no speaking then we will again be the bad people in his mom and sister's eyes for not getting over it. Can't wait to hear your responses whatever they may be. Thanks for reading...so hard to condense the last 9 years into something strangers will understand!
How dare you! 
Oh, the drama of it all...They're jealous, you're hurt.You get mad, they get mad. Just stop it. Stop playing this game. And stay out of the confrontations. Do not respond to their emails, phone calls, or face-to-face diatribes. Use the broken record approach--"We'll consider your advice" would be a great place to start. 
