Sigh..."Other" Parents Make My Job So Hard

[Christine]

Just venting!

I have a DD who will be 15 in another week. I'm pretty restrictive about what I let her do. She has been friends with another girl for a year now. The girl seems very nice and fun and I have talked with her parents on occasion. They seem like a nice enough family. Their older child is an absolute genius and has never given them a day of trouble but their DD (DD's friend) is more "normal." It seems that this teenage normalcy has been very hard on her mother.

Anyway, I digress. This mom seems to be in in the boat now of letting her DD do anything she wants in an effort to keep the peace, make her DD love her, etc.

A few months ago, she let her daughter go to one of these loosely organized concerts held in a field (think Woodstock) that had about 50 bands. She dropped her DD off there and left her there all day. Of course, the girl wanted my DD to go but I would have none of it. I told my DD that she could go to a regular concert with actual seats and a staff, but not this stuff till she was older. Of course, I'm weird, you know.

The next issue that has come up is another concert that is very similar but they all want to drive over there with the girl's 18 year old cousin--no adults. Sorry, but I don't want my almost 15 year old DD riding around with teenage drivers.

The third issue (that I can think of) occurred last night. DD says to me "Jane is spending the night over at Evan's house on Thursday night and I am invited." I'm like "Who is Evan?" Oh he is a good friend of mine and he has girls stay with him all the time. "Ahhhh, no." My DD says that she should be able to go because Jane's mother lets her go. I told her that Jane's mother is obviously a freakin' idiot.

What is WRONG with this woman (and other parents like her). Now I've got to deal with this constant begging from DD. What on earth would possess a parent to let their 14 year old DD spend the night at a boy's house???? I just don't get it.

I have agreed to let my DD go on a family trip with them to New York and I am SERIOUSLY doubting this now. She'll probably let the two teen girls go off to an all night dance party while they are there.

 

[luvdzne]

I am having issues similar to this with my 11 year old daughter. I am forever hearing "but so and so is allowed to do it!" My response is always "but I'm not so and so's mother!" I'm sorry to hear it only gets worse. Good luck.

 

[NMAmy]

I've been going through something similar with a friend of dd's. Her parents have recently divorced and she's spent some time playing them one against the other. I like this girl a lot but she's dying for someone to rein her in. She'll make some outlandish request for dd to do something with her and I'll counter with, "No, you can't do that, but J can spend the night here if she wants." J always jumps at the chance to spend the night--which is no big excitement, believe me. I'll buy lots of snacks and they can rent a bunch of movies but there is no going anywhere after dark. I really think that J is just wanting someone to tell her no and I've become the one who does that. When dd spent three weeks with her dad this summer, J stopped over to visit with me several times--I took her to the movie once, just the two of us.

Sorry to ramble but I really know where you're coming from. Teenagers need limits but they'll ask for the world and act like you're crazy for saying no. I would definitely get together with the other parents to discuss limits before the trip.

We took another friend to WDW with us last spring. Before the trip, I made sure that her parents were comfortable allowing the girls to do the same things I was. (i.e. going to a park by themselves as long as they were in cell phone contact, etc.) Make sure you're comfortable with everything on the itinerary before you agree.

 

[Christine]

Yes, I'm going to have to have a talk with this woman before my DD goes on the trip but I'm starting to feel like I can't trust her. I mean, if her DD puts one little bit of pressure on her during the trip, the mom will probably "cave" to her whims. (I really hope I'm exaggerating here).

I've also been toying with the idea of telling the mother just what I think, although we are not friends, so to speak, or have any relationship. I just want to say to her "Hey, I'm really happy that my DD and Jane are such good friends and enjoy spending time together, but lately, I've been feeling a little uncomfortable with letting my DD do the things that Jane is allowed to do so I may not let her get together with Jane for everything."

Do you think that will offend her?

The odd thing is, when DD and Jane first met at the beginning of the schoolyear, Jane's mom was the one who was real overprotective. A friend of my DD's who she went through elementary/middle school with had his own band (he's a very talented musician). Our local "pool hall" often hosts high school bands on the weekends during the day. They make it a "dry" show. My DD was going to this and had invited Jane. Jane's mother was freaked out about it, but I told her that I had been to them before, they were very safe, and that many of the parents attended these things (I mean the band kids were only 14 years old at the time--there was always many parents there). So she relented and let Jane go. Well now Jane goes everywhere!

 

[Magickndm]

I'm going through the same situation. My daughter has befriended a girl whose family is totally dysfunctional. They're divorced (so am I, so that's not my issue at all) and their relationship has become so bitter it's like they've forgotten they have kids. This girl has no respect for adults whatsoever, which I will have none of.
All parents parent differently, but it really does seem more parents would rather not deal with issues. I've always heard it's easier to be a bad parent than a good one.
My suggestion would to be to compromise with your daughter, that way it doesn't become a battle of the wills. Maybe you can tell her if you talk to this boy's parents to make sure parents will be around, she can go over there for a few hours, but not spend the night? I'd never let my daughter spend the night in a situation like that either.
Maybe if another concert situation comes up again like that you can go too? It sounds like The Warp Tour kind of concert....if she had a cell phone you could let them go their own way for a few hours?
I know how tough it is...but the more you say no to her with no options, the more likely it may be that she'll start being decietful and sneaky.

Just had to add I won't let my daughter ride with other teen drivers either. Makes carpooling a full time job for me, but if it makes her safer, I have no problem with it.

 

[NMAmy]

I've also been toying with the idea of telling the mother just what I think, although we are not friends, so to speak, or have any relationship. I just want to say to her "Hey, I'm really happy that my DD and Jane are such good friends and enjoy spending time together, but lately, I've been feeling a little uncomfortable with letting my DD do the things that Jane is allowed to do so I may not let her get together with Jane for everything."

Do you think that will offend her?

Well, it might offend her but I think that if it's mentioned in this non-confrontational manner, it wouldn't offend me. Particularly since she was overprotective before. It's hard, I know, Christine. I think a lot of times the girls exaggerate what the other parents allow them to do in the hopes that we'll cave in to peer pressure.

 

[Christine]

Maybe if another concert situation comes up again like that you can go too? It sounds like The Warp Tour kind of concert....if she had a cell phone you could let them go their own way for a few hours?
I know how tough it is...but the more you say no to her with no options, the more likely it may be that she'll start being decietful and sneaky.

This is the Warp Tour concert and I don't really have a problem with her going to Warp Tour at all but I don't want her riding over there with a car full of teens. Not safe. The venue is close to 45 minutes away from our house and it is during the week. Both DH and I work full-time and have another child at home so I really cannot be chaperoning a concert during the week--it doesn't jive with my 4:30 a.m. waking time and some other health issues I have. I will do anything for her on Friday and Saturday nights. And, I would let her go if another parent was driving them over and picking them up. But I'm not letting her the car with a group of teens. I'm not even sure it's legal in Virginia to have a certain number of teens in the car depending on who the driver is.

The other concert was on a farm with no security, no staff, etc., mosh pits, woods, people just roaming. Not a place for an unsupervised 14 year old girl.

Also, my DD does have a few guy friends I don't have a problem with her hanging out with them and she has done so.

 

[SC Minnie]

I think a lot of times the girls exaggerate what the other parents allow them to do in the hopes that we'll cave in to peer pressure.

How do you know that the other girl is telling her mother that you are letting your DD go. I remember playing that game as a teen. Each of us would say the other parents said it was OK. You know Jane says -- Amy's Mom is letting her go and Amy is telling her Mom-- Jane's Mom said she could go. You won't really know until you talk to this other mother. Its your child and her safety involved. I would worry not about offending anyone. Good luck. I will be going through this in the next year or so.

 

[Froggyswife]

I think the playing one parent against another thing is a real possibility here. My dd does this sometimes.

 

[KerriSue]

I told her that Jane's mother is obviously a freakin' idiot.

You are doing the right thing. I would never let my daughter stay at a boys house for a sleepover. Good night nurse, what in the world are they going to do. What about the boys parents? I hate kids

My kids are 11 and 8 and I dread the day when these issues start to pop up. Im scared, really scared.

Good luck
Kerri

 

[ChristmasElf]

You are doing the right thing. I would never let my daughter stay at a boys house for a sleepover. Good night nurse, what in the world are they going to do. What about the boys parents? I hate kids

My kids are 11 and 8 and I dread the day when these issues start to pop up. Im scared, really scared.

Good luck
Kerri

Had to at this line!

 

[shortbun]

Keep saying NO. Your daughter knows you are going to say No and she's testing you. Also, make sure you know where she is on the days that these forbidden events are going on as she may go anyway-you both work and are busy, yada, yada.(I did it) Overnight at a boys house? No way! What term will you be using to refer to yourself as a grandparent? Nanna? Stick to your guns, her requests are out of line. You can lighten in a year or so when it's still scary but she's older- but never give your permission for a sleepover with a boy. imho

 

[Christine]

Well, the *alleged* sleepover occurred last night. DD tells me that her friend went and that it was "no big deal since Jane has been friends with him for ages."

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

In all honesty, i see you are worrying about the NY trip, if you are worrying that much after talking to her mother (if that even does anything) maybe you shouldn't let her go. I know it will cause more drama at home, but i would rather know my DD is safe, then wonder about the what ifs?

You're doing what you can and putting limitations on what your DD does is a good thing. Maybe the talk with her mother, will make a difference, but then again maybe not, she could be one of those in one ear out the other types.

 

[Cool-Beans]

No boy-girl sleepovers! No way. I know they can do "it" whenever they please, but that's almost like making up the bed and putting rose petals in it.

I don't actually tell the kids I think other parents are "idiots" because I can just see my kid repeating it and that kid getting mad/hurt or the parents calling to say they aren't.

But I have said, "Why don't you call Dopey's mom and ask if she'll adopt you?"

It really is a good thing for kids that they were cute and sweet when they were little.

 

[Christine]

I don't actually tell the kids I think other parents are "idiots" because I can just see my kid repeating it and that kid getting mad/hurt or the parents calling to say they aren't.

I hear ya, but my DD is just about 15 and I know she would never repeat that. I certainly wouldn't say that to my 11 year old son though, he tells everything!

 

[PlutoPony]

Re the boy/girl sleepovers..... friends tell me their older kids are invited to them periodically but no one I know allows their children to go to them. So I'm curious - do these sleepovers ever actually occur or are they "urban myths" perpetuated by teens??? Granted I'm several years older than most parents I know (and DS is only 11 going on 21 ), but I just don't see allowing the co-ed slumber party. Have things changed that much - am I now officially an old fuddy duddy ????

Beth

 

[Laurajean1014]

Does Janes mother know that Evan is going to be there? Maybe Jane is an excellent actress.

Either way, Jane's mom should be more interested in Jane.

We have families like that. Girls going out with no supervision and then the parents want to know why the kids get into trouble. I also feel the same way about boys, so I am not gender bashing.

 

[MushyMushy]

UGH! You know from reading my past posts that I can totally relate. (remember DS staying out all night with his 17 y.o. girlfriend?) I'm surrounded by these kinds of parents -- the ones who allow co-ed sleepovers, drinking in the home, and total freedom for the kids. I feel like I'm in a constant, grinding struggle against this.

The thing that bothers me the most about these kinds of parents isn't so much that they want to raise their kids this way, but that they have no problems exposing other people's kids to it, or will outright join in on the deception.

 

[Christine]

The thing that bothers me the most about these kinds of parents isn't so much that they want to raise their kids this way, but that they have no problems exposing other people's kids to it, or will outright join in on the deception.

Yeah, I feel like my DD is constantly getting dragged into it.

Besides all that (and I've posted this gripe before), this particular mom goes out of her way to take the kids ANYWHERE they get a whim. Now, of course, I am a little bit jealous. I work outside the home and I don't have the freedom to just up and go wherever and whenever. This woman can and does. Whatever the girl asks her to do she does. And my DD is involved in every bit of it. Frankly, I feel like I hardly get to see my DD because of all the places they are going. It's like "Hey, can we get off this roller coaster for ONE minute and let me think of something that I want to do with my kids."

This Saturday is my DD's birthday. I had told her to pick something she wanted to do, invite some friends, and we'd go. She's been thinking about it. All of a sudden "Jane" decides that she wants to go to the zoo (of all places) on my DD's birthday and she wants to take a certain group of people (mostly Jane's friends). Of course this is all for my DD's birthday (yeah, right ). Jane's mother is going to drive them all there in her Suburban and they will be having my DD's birthday there. Oh, I can come along if I like (in my own car of course).

I'm really happy that my DD is social but I feel like Jane (and mainly her mom) are controlling my entire relationship with my DD. Uuuuggghhhh. But I feel like a monster if I tell her I don't want her doing the zoo thing.