*sigh* Let the gift troubles begin...

[starrzone]

A bit of background on gift-giving in my family:

My mother (who always bought about 99% of the gifts for people in my family) HATED, and still hates, surprises. Her philosophy is "You might as well ask me what I want and give that to me, instead of going out and spending money on something I don't want and didn't ask for". Gee, Mom...that kind of defeats the purpose of gift-giving and thinking of something the person might like! I swear, if we didn't give her one of her "gift lists" of things we'd like, we wouldn't get anything but cash (hey, there's nothing wrong with that...but...I still like the element of surprise and the caring that goes into someone picking out a gift from the heart ).

SO's family operates a bit differently; in his family, Mom would subtly take into account things people mentioned over the year that they liked, and would stock up on things and pick them up when she saw them. She didn't have to ask for a list.

Today, I feel like absolute crud. I bought something for myself that I have been mentioning for ages that I needed, and it turns out that SO had already gotten it for me (he told me because he thought it was something that couldn't be returned). He's had a bad month with gift-giving (he tried to give someone a gift, and got rebuffed), and I know that he feels disappointed that I ruined his surprise. I told him that I'm going to return the one that I bought, and that I'll love his gift just as much, but still...I feel awful. I spoiled his surprise, and I know that he felt really happy about giving me this gift. He's still going to give it to me, but I think he's afraid that it'll be more of a "Here you go" kind of gift now...

Anyhow, there's nothing that can be done now, but I feel so, so bad. I know I'm not psychic and that I couldn't have predicted that he'd get me this particular gift. I just hope he knows how sorry I am, and that I'm going to love this present when he gives it to me just as though it were gold. I appreciate, more than he can ever know, the thought that went into it...

 

[Silent1CB]

I think sometimes older people are just more practical about what money is spent on. Especially if they are of the Great Depression era. My parents are like that; and I am too in a way. Would rather receive or buy something I need or wanted, instead of a surprise gift that I really hate or have no use for. I don't see anything wrong with that. Especially in these difficult times. Few can afford to be throwing money willey nilley.

As for getting you something you wanted....well, that just shows he was listening. Next time, curtail buying for yourself until after the holidays are over.

 

[bumbershoot]

Hopefully he can come to as big an understanding of where you are coming from (and not feel negative about what he bought you) as you have about where he is coming from.

I fall on the "I don't need gifts" side, so I understand your mom's thoughts! Especially when money's coming out of shared accounts, I just do not see the point of a surprise gift. And when I've tried to get hubby something I thought he liked, later on he generally ended up getting the thing he wanted too, even though he *says* he likes to have me get him something I feel he'll like.

 

[suejai]

This kept happening in our house so I instituted the rule that no one is allowed to purchase anything or ask to get anything that could be construed as a Christmas gift from October to Christmas. It doesn't work with everything but overall it has been fairly effective.

 

[wdwfan16]

This kept happening in our house so I instituted the rule that no one is allowed to purchase anything or ask to get anything that could be construed as a Christmas gift from October to Christmas. It doesn't work with everything but overall it has been fairly effective.

We have the same rule but we start it on 9/1. It works great for us.

 

[smidgy]

when the economy was better, it was fun to buy gifts for everyone, surprises. if you didn't liek what you got, so what?
in my family, the adults do a grab bag, $30 limit (it used to be 50). and you tell the person who got your name what you would like. maybe not as much fun, but when times are tight, it just makes sense. and if one family is doing better financially, they can exchange amoungst themselves, and get all kins of surprises.
we started this about 10 years ago, actually, when we all realized we were all stressing out in dec. about spending money none of us had, for things no one really wanted. we spent hours opening presents.. didn't have any time to really spend enjoying each other's company. and then all went home to pay the bills.
now each adult gets and receives one gift. and the children get to open presents, (we all buy for the kids) and we get to spend some time talking, playing games together, visiting.
by the way, hubby and I each asked for... a disney gift card! so we can enjoy a table service dinner on our next trip!!!

 

[susykt4]

My family is terrible about gift-giving. I don't think I've gotten anything other than money from my parents since I was maybe 12. Extended family gift exchanges have dwindled to none over the years. I'm with your mom. I even hated receiving unwanted things as a kid. My mom hates shopping so much she just gives a spending limit for the grandkids and my SIL and I buy what we want for our own kids, give it to Mom to wrap and she writes us a check. I buy for my kids and my nieces and nephew. I have a grandchildren photo calendar made for my parents and that's it. Oh, and my husband... If I see something I think he'll really like I buy it. Sometimes it's useful (a pair of gloves with the White Sox logo) and sometimes it's just something we both find funny. We rarely buy gifts for each others' birthdays, anniversary, etc.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

This kept happening in our house so I instituted the rule that no one is allowed to purchase anything or ask to get anything that could be construed as a Christmas gift from October to Christmas. It doesn't work with everything but overall it has been fairly effective.

I do the same thing.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm a Christmas wish list person. Hang me if you want to.

I would much rather ask my kids/grandkids for a "wish list" so that I can get them gifts I know they want, gifts I know they will use and enjoy rather than coming up with something on my own and having them smile politely, say "thank you" and then either return it, or stuff it in a drawer.

I do "keep my ears open" throughout the year too though, and sometimes buy them something that I've heard them say they'd like. But that sometimes backfires, and it turns out they already bought it themselves.

I have a "Christmas wish list" on my refrigerator. Not for anything big. Just some music CD's, a book, a DVD, etc. If "Santa" doesn't bring them, I'll buy them myself after Christmas. I wouldn't buy them now, not after I've put them on my list.

We teach our children to write "wish list" letters to Santa, why is it so wrong to carry that over as adults?

 

[starrzone]

This kept happening in our house so I instituted the rule that no one is allowed to purchase anything or ask to get anything that could be construed as a Christmas gift from October to Christmas. It doesn't work with everything but overall it has been fairly effective.

I am going to follow this tenet from now on I've learned my lesson!!!

To all the other posters, thanks for sharing your stories. Things are all good now; he just gave me the gift as an early Christmas present .

 

[minkydog]

I'm with your mother on this one. I hate surprises. I much prefer to give my DH a few ideas and let him decide what he wants to do. Both of us buy ourselves gifts and put them in each other's closet. On Christmas morning we both LOVE our presents and can't wait to use them!

My SIL loves Christmas shopping. It's a hobby for her. I can tell she puts at least some thought into her gifts, but most of the time they miss the mark. If you've ever colllected ANYTHING in your life, she'll get it for you no matter what it is. DH got interested in Mooses a few years ago. Real ones, not plastic ones. His sister moves mountains to find him moose towels, moose soap dispensers, moose boxers, moose photo albums. He likes moose, but not THAT much. Same with DD--SIL was still giving my daughter Barbie stuff when she was >13. ANd I've lost count of how many angel figurines she's given me, most of which are not my style. We've tried to let her know(carefully, of course) that we would appreciate, say, a gift card to Papa Johns or a fruit basket.

We don't need more bars of soap or bottles of shampoo or book marks. In fact, we would much rather our families donated their time or money to a charitable organization. We have everything we need. My mother is elderly and I've begged her to dispense with shopping--she just can't get out there and shop anymore and it causes her great pain. She asked me for ideas, not because she's clueless but because she really wanted to zero in on the one thing we'd really like. I told her to get us a couple nights camping at a local state park we love. She was tickled pink! It's perfect for both of us--she doesn't have to leave the house and we get exactly what we want!

 

[golfgal]

This kept happening in our house so I instituted the rule that no one is allowed to purchase anything or ask to get anything that could be construed as a Christmas gift from October to Christmas. It doesn't work with everything but overall it has been fairly effective.

Same here-no one is allowed to buy anything from Thanksgiving to Christmas that might be a gift.

As for mom, so what if she gives you a list-she still doesn't know what on that list you will give her.

 

[Dunnik]

... how surprised you're going to be when you open your other gifts... You may have broken "the golden rule" (don't buy things for yourself before Christmas) with that one item, but something tells me that you'll be pleasantly surprised with everything else!

No harm done

 

[scrapquitler]

I always hear so much drama about gift giving among adult family members, and it just makes me About 10 years ago, my parents and brothers and I all sat down and said "this gift giving stuff among the adults is just silly" so now we only buy for the children. Two of the children in the family are now out of high school, so we don't even buy for them anymore...so now just my 2 kids, one niece and one nephew to buy for...much easier. We also do a family grab bag that everyone participates in ($10 limit) complete with trading, and we have fun with that.

On my in-laws side on the other hand, we still have the gift drama. We asked MIL to do the no-gifts for adults thing and she agreed. We didn't buy gifts, but she did anyway and then whined that she didn't get any presents. So we are back to exchanging gifts. But she never likes anything that anyone buys for her, so she always returns it. And she never knows what to buy, so she always gives gift cards (which I know she gets from her credit card points). So I already know that I'm getting a gift card to Barnes and Noble, and DH will get a gift card for Olive Garden. But she's happy that we exchanged gifts and she doesn't mind going to the store with the gift and receipt and getting a store credit to use as she wishes later. Its dumb, but it works to keep her happy. Whatever.

 

[Bren's Mom]

We have the same rule but we start it on 9/1. It works great for us.

Here too! 9/1...well 9/2 for ds because his birthday is 9/1. I don't buy anything for myself, dh can't buy anything for himself, we don't buy anything for the kids and they know not to ask (except to ask to put something on their Christmas list).

 

[jen0610]

Add another family that does not buy anything from Sept on that could be a Christmas gift.

Our neice pretty much ruined her Christmas gift this year. It was after Christmas last year, that she mentioned that she loved all of my bakeware and cookie storage containers, but doesn't ever think to pick some up. As soon as she said it, I told DH I knew what we were getting her for Christmas this year.

As we are shopping Black Friday, she happens to mention that while she was at the outlet store midnight sale, she popped into the kitchen store and bought the exact same items that we already had lined up to buy her. As she said it, she's looking right at DH and I, and can see this didn't go over well. She then said, I just messed up my gift didn't I. Told her yep and left it at that. Later on she and DH were talking and she said something again and he told her, you know you are always complaining that your dad will tell you something he wants, then goes out and gets it himself....don't complain any more, because you just did it to your Aunts year long plan.

 

[nebo]

If I see something I think he'll really like I buy it. Sometimes it's useful (a pair of gloves with the White Sox logo) .

YAY! best gift ever!!!! go white sox!



if you have money, shopping for "surprises" can be fun. we always did the list thing, even before we did the "grab bag" thing. I had a DIL (no longer in the family) who didn't like the list thing, she really wanted to surprise us. (ok, her heart was in the right place) one year she bought us something she knew hubby and would love, a Deluxe edition of Scrabble.... she was right, we loved it so much, we already had one. the next year she bought me foot bath/whirlpool. (cause I am a bartender/waitress.) It was a nice thought, but it really didn't work so well, was a hassle to set up, etc. I gave it to the little old lady who owned the bar I worked at. the next year, DIL gave me the same thing! I reminded her she gave me that last year (she didn't know I gave it away) "oh! I guess I really think your feet must be tired!" (like I said, her heart was in the right place). I gave it back to her a few months later, cause she was pregnant with my grandson, and her feet were swelling). the next year, she bought hubby and me a holder for up to 4 bottles of booze. we have no room in our small kitchen for this, and we buy the larger bottles of alcohol, cause they are cheaper.
so sometimes you end up wasting money, no matter how much thought you put into it.
honestly, the best gifts she ever gave me were crafts she made herself. I still have and display those.