I haven't read any responses, but you sound like what I went through last December.
My doggie, Kiani, got a lump on the underside of her belly by her hind leg. It stayed extremely small for a long time, but once it started growing, it wouldn't stop. And it would double in size in a matter of a week, so each time I saw a different vet about it, it was just getting worse, and no vet would do the operation. Let alone, I didn't have the few thousands dollars just lying around for it. Plus they said it might only extend her life by months, not years.
I was stuck in that limbo of I don't want her to be in pain, but I don't want to loose her either. All the vet visits started in August, and by November it was a flat out no across the board that no one would do the surgery. And several vets just said to put her to sleep, she's probably already in pain. Well she didn't act like it, and I couldn't let her go. Thanksgiving was soon approaching, and I felt like, how can I let her go now, it's supposed to be a happy time of year. And she loves getting turkey scraps.
By December, she was struggling a little bit. I would have to carry her up the stairs to the apartment. I couldn't let her jump anywhere. She was constantly getting a bath because it stunk badly (her's kept getting open sores, and I was constantly putting betadine on it to keep it clean). But she still had spunk in her. One morning when I got up, and she wasn't in the bedroom, she usually slept in the doorway. I found her laying on the kitchen floor sprawled out and she didn't seem to even want to move when I called her name. It was that time, when I realized she had enough. She never fully stopped eating, although she preferred the can food over dry, on occasion I could mix in a little dry to save on wet food. I fed her premium Merricks brand, so it wasn't cheap keeping up the can food.
It was about a week later or so when I finally took her to the vet for the final time, eating KFC popcorn chicken on the way. I made sure I did all her favorite things, took her every where with me. Although that last week was really hard, because she couldn't control her bowels as well, so she'd make a mess all over her fur (and being a white samoyed, it stuck to her fur). It was painful for me to watch her be in pain, which was worse than putting her to sleep. And every one kept saying, you'll know when, you'll know when. I was like, how am I gonna know when, when I don't ever want to let her go. But those words were true. And I did figure out when.
The vet office provided cremation services for a price (about a 150$ total). And I did a bit of research and it was a very reputable company. Since we were living in an apartment, I couldn't bury her myself. And I just couldn't imagine her body being dumped. So I did the private cremation, and got her ashes about a week later. It came in a very nice carved wooden box with a metal name plate. And it came with a certificate with her paw print on it, plus a little bit of her fur in a satin pouch and the rainbow bridge poem. I also went to Michaels and got one of those concrete stepping stones do it yourself kits. It has her name, paw print, and date. When I find the right spot, I'll bury her ashes and place the stone above as a marker.
It's tough, but once you know your dog isn't doing well. It makes it that much easier to let them go. I did it just a few days before Christmas. As much as I wanted her to be around for the last Christmas, I couldn't hang on for my own selfish reasons.
I'm finally getting to the point of wanting another dog. I know it won't replace her and it won't be the same. But I still need that companionship and love that they give. The world is kinda lonely without a pet around.
kiss that baby on the nose from all of us. Continued prayers for you Jill
