Sibling Stresses

[MinnieVanMom]

Today we went to our local fair and after dropping off a few things sat down to eat a lunch.

DS has autism and was having a minor meltdown. Really in the whole scheme of things it was nothing but a protest. His older brother 14 got up and went to another table each time DS acted up. Older brother had seen some of his friends from school and I think he was embarrassed by being associated with his family.

What can I do to get older son to stand up for his brother rather than run from us?

 

[bookwormde]

By far the best thing you can do is to give him the best broad intellectual understanding of what Autism/Aspergers is. Once he understands fully why his brother is not typical and understands the underlying genetic basis of his challenges and gifts it is much easier.

bookwormde

 

[weswife]

Hi,

This is a difficult situation. I too have one.

We have to remember the older child is being "seen" by his peers. The teenage years are ruff on all of us. As the older sibling they are not sure of what to expect from their peers. Meaning feedback. As parents we want everyone to get along. My "kids" now are 21 DD,16 DD with many SP needs and a DS 10. A few years back I am sure my DD felt that way. We always tried to be there for both parties. We are an open family with alot of communication. My younger child sees this differently he does not care what anyone thinks or says. He is also very kind,caring and compassionate to others. My DD now 21 turned into a wonderful person as well. She is currently a special educator. She is very interested in child with disabilities. So, I guess my thought is let each person have space and handle the reactions as they see best. In time with growth the siblings will "defend" each other. Hope my "advice" helps. I also know my DD friends never thought anything about my younger DD,,they never let it bother them.

Take care,,,

 

[KirstenB]

Our youngest (Zoe) has ASD, she's nearly 4. Her older sister is 11 (Andi). 99% of the time, Andi is amazingly patient and kind to her sister. But she's entering the teen years soon! Honestly, I think you have to give the sibling a break and not force the issue.

When Andi's had enough of Zoe and her eccentricities, I try to let her do what she wants. If that means a separate table, so be it. It has to be so stressful to be the sibling--I can't imagine.

 

[KirstenB]

Today we went to our local fair and after dropping off a few things sat down to eat a lunch.

DS has autism and was having a minor meltdown. Really in the whole scheme of things it was nothing but a protest. His older brother 14 got up and went to another table each time DS acted up. Older brother had seen some of his friends from school and I think he was embarrassed by being associated with his family.

What can I do to get older son to stand up for his brother rather than run from us?

I just wanted to add, I constantly resort to the bribe/reward method! I used to be a pretty strict parent, but Zoe's forced me to toss a lot of that. When Andi is consistently kind to Zoe, I'll buy Andi something small as a thank-you. It might that I serve her favorite food for dinner, or a new t-shirt, etc. Also, dh and I try to do some one-on-one with Andi, while the other one stays home with Zoe.

I constantly try to reinforce the kind behavior. So far it's worked out well. Again, I can see some tough times ahead as she gets older, and her little sister does things that embarass her, but I guess we'll figure out something when we get there.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Sounds like a tough afternoon.

I'd sit down and talk to him about it in a general way, but try to give him his space; he's in a tough couple of years when anything even a little bit "different" can be license to be ostrasized or bullied and there is tremendous pressure to conform.

Like pp's have said, I'd really give positive reinforcement to times when he does stand up for his brother, but try to let go of the times he doesn't. He's only human, and trying to figure out who he is and what he's about, and starting to seperate from his family a bit (which is all appropriate). Sitting at a different table when peers are around isn't really that big in the grand scheme of things.

OK, I just read that and it sounds harsh, but I really, really don't mean it to be, so try to picture a friend sitting down with you with a cup of coffee and a soft voice and a smile saying that, and then adding; you're doing a great job!

 

[BeckyScott]

We struggle with this, too. I don't have an answer.

However, I did catch oldest DS defending youngest to a friend of his (when he thought I couldn't hear him) and that gave me some hope. Right now it isn't quite so bad, as both kids were at the same school so everyone knew both of them, but next year oldest DS goes off to middle school. So not all of his friends will know youngest DS.

The only thing that's been in the least bit successful is on the occasion when DS's disability is a good thing, as viewed thru the eyes of a pre-teen sibling. This includes stuff like going to adaptive swimming (not many families there so there isn't a line for the slide) or the GAC at Disney, stuff like that, when we get to participate in something special because of the disability. I've also noticed that DS is really good with other people with disabilities, just not his brother. He's been raised to just take everyone at face value, not think much about differences, and roll with it. He plays with the other kids and adults at adaptive swimming like it's no big deal. So it's hard to say, and may be the same with you... part of it is the disability, but part of it is just sibling stuff.

 

[swimlib]

as a sibling of sister with disabilities, I remember middle school and high school well. I wanted to have my own identity, people who didn't solely associate me with my sister. I would defend her if I saw something that really affected her, but when we were outside the house and she would act up or need to be changed I wouldn't want to be a part of it.

As long as your son is helping at home and spending some time with his brother, just give him time. It's a tough age for any kid, let alone one who has something different about his family. He may be worried how his friends will react, or may not want to explain why his brother is melting down.

Hope this helps!

 

[MinnieVanMom]

Thanks for the support friends. Good thoughts to think about. 14 is a hard age for anyone and then to have a brother with SN is harder on top of all the issues.

I am going to let it go for now and hopefully give older brother space for now to figure out who he is and how he fits in the world. Hopefully later on then we can work on how he relates to his younger brother.