Sibling Jealousy

[Justanopinion]

Sibling Jealousy, am I'm not talking about kids either.

My sister is in her mid 40's. She is resentful of the fact that my brother and I were ever born. She's the oldest and says she could have had more and been an only child if we were never born. Now mind you. I'm only 3 years younger than her and my brother is 3 years younger than me. She gets very upset when one of us does something better for my parents.
The best example I can give is from a few years back. My dad was flying out of town on business and forgot his heart medicine. He calls my mom who was watching my 3 teenagers at the time and they jump in the car to go rushing out to the airport to get it to him before his flight left. Now mind you this was not a short drive either. My mom get almost to the airport when her car just dies(it was the alternator). She was cruising along in the left lane with 3 right lanes when it died. She was able to pull way off the left shoulder. She called both my sister and I. I went to go pick them up as my car was bigger, it was my kids on the side of the road, I was closer, and my employer was more understanding of such a situation. My sister got the job of calling the tow truck.
Well, after sitting there for an hour or more, we called my sister back to find out where the tow truck was. Her response was that she would come get us. No, that's not the point. Mom did not want to leave her vehicle on the side of the road and I was already there and had been there for awhile to get them. My sister was jealous that she wasn't the hero of the day that got to save mom.
This happens quit a bit and is somewhat amusing now that she lives so far away.
Anyway, I now know a young woman that I'll call Mary. Mary has a step sister that I'll call Jane.
Mary is so jealous of Jane. Both young ladies are in there very early 20's. Mary cannot stand the fact the Jane even has contact with the parents. Jane was raised in a totally different state and did not really even get to see the parents until she was about 16. Jane still is married and living in a different state. Because neither of them live in the home there is no favortism. Mary is just extremely jealous. She cannot stand that Jane visits the parents.

Why do grown people have to be so jealous? Can't they just grow up and face reality.

 

[Disney Doll]

No.

DH has a sister like this, and it is comical to watch her in action. Thankfully she lives 1500 miles away, but God forbid someone else should get attention....she suddenly has some big problem that requires immediate notification of all family members and numerous "prayer requests" to help her "get through it".

Examples:

1. DFIL was having coronary bypass surgery. The night before the surgery, she called my DMIL to tell her that she (DSIL) was having headaches and she had seen a neurologist and he was ruling out a brain tumor. OK, if this were true (which all siblings doubted it was) would you ever call your mother the night before your father was having MAJOR cardiac surgery to tell her? Who does that????? As I told my DH, if it were me, and I lived 1500 miles away and my mother essentially would have no way of finding out unless I told her, I would have had the work-up, had the surgery, been to rehab and been home and never would have told her. My mother lives 10 minutes away and there are things about my life she doesn't know...some of them major things...because there were worries she had and I didn't want to add to them. Crazy SIL's real problem..."Oh my God, someone else is going to be getting attention and I have to grab some back for me".

2. One month before my wedding, Crazy SIL decides she is going to have elective knee surgery for a knee problem she had had for several years. But it was imperative that she have it ONE MONTH before my wedding. Then she wanted to be in my wedding party in a wheelchair. I basically told her that her trying to be in a wheelchair and be in my wedding party would be too much strain on her so she didn't have to be in the wedding party. Her other sister told her, more bluntly than I, that if she showed up at my wedding in a wheelchair that it would be for the express purpose of trying to steal attention from the bride and if that happened then she (good SIL) would push her (Crazy SIL) down the hill in her wheelchair. She wanted to be in the wedding party, so she ended up doing it on crutches, which amazingly enough she didn't need later on to DANCE THE POLKA at my reception...an no, I did not get married at Lourdes, the place of miracles in France. I got married in my little Catholic church in my hometown.

Those are 2 examples...I have thousands, but sometimes sibling dysfunction is one of those things you just have to sit back and watch...laughing all the way. If you think of it, people who are like that are sad....pathetic really, because they are so self-focused that they are always going to be competitive and they are never going to be happy, because they are always going to "perceive" some slight.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[Michelle67]

Ugh. Jealous people drive me nuts. My best friend's SIL has a jealousy/possessiveness issue. She came darn close to ruining their relationship before my friend's (now)husband finally figured out what she was about and told her to back off or she'd be the one out in the cold.

Sorry you're having to deal with that.

 

[kristilew]

My SIL also was jealous of the attention her db was getting for our wedding, so insisted on having her own wedding within a few weeks. Made everyone jump through hoops and constantly compared the wedding my parents were throwing for us with the one she wanted her parents to throw for her. Also got upset over any "unfairness" she perceived in time spent planning discussing, etc. Her marriage lasted 4 months.

All dh's sibs constantly accuse him of being "the favorite," and at 40, he is the youngest. I don't think they'll ever grow up.

 

[fkj2]

When I was a kid, my mom was friends with a woman she worked with. We always called her "Aunt Leah," she thought that much of my mom and us. She'd been burned by sisters; this was back in the 60s. She used to say,
"Jealously is nothing more than being selfish."

I have one and only sibling. Sharing a gene pool doesn't make him a brother.

Write them off.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

Interestingly enough, though, the sibling rivalry usually goes both ways.

If you take the time to try to make your sibling or sibling-in-law look petty, jealous, or generally bad to other people to show (intentionally or unintentionally) that you are the better sibling or sibling-in-law, how does that make you look any better than them?

Just something to think about.

 

[Disney Doll]

How is planning a wedding or requiring surgery taking the time to make another look petty? Is no one with a jealous sibling ever supposed to do anything because the jealous sibling may get jealous?

In my "first" (ie-mother, father, brother) family, when something good happens to one of us we're all happy. My brothe risn't trying to "top" me, I'm not trying to "top" him. Unfortunately, one of DH's sisters isn't like that...the other 2 are great, BTW...sorry, not rearranging my life to suit the nut.

 

[EMom]

I'm the youngest of several. One brother, 10 years older, has a major axe to grind with me that I've yet to figure out completely. He's resented me since I was very young, despite the fact that he could have focused that sibling jealously on another kid in between us.

I mean, with 10 years separating us, it's not as if we competed at anything. When I was 2, he was 12. When I was 5, he was 15. Two different life stages. I adored him when I was little and never understood why he could be so hostile to me. Through the years, I've gotten the "They loved you more, they took you with them and left me at home," yada, yada. As if that's my fault. I have to laugh at being "taken with" my parents. We never once had an actual babysitter....it was the occasional relative or auntie. My parents hauled me with them because I was too young to leave at home and he wasn't. When he was little, they dragged him along too. Believe me, it was no thrill to be taken with them to visit a bunch of their middle aged friends.

As the years have passed, my sister and I have tried to figure it out. (Yes, she sees the way he feels about me too and sees no justification for it.) We have finally hit upon a possibility. Our oldest sibling was literally The Golden Child. Blond hair, blue eyes, looked like an angel and could do no wrong in my parents' eyes even though he was.....as the years would show......manipulative and not a good person. He could charm the stars from the skies. When the brother who resents me was born, he just couldn't compete with The Golden Child. He was cute enough, but the other one was gorgeous. He was nice, but the other one was charismatic. Basically, he was always second fiddle to The Golden Child, no matter how good he was.

Years passed and when I was born, unlike he and my sister who are dark, I was another version of The Golden Child physically. A female version. And yes, people fussed over me. My sister has told me that she remembers people (not necessarily my parents) telling her she was a "handsome sort of girl," but that I'd always be the pretty one. I never knew any of this, because I was so much younger that I was clueless. And the resentful brother and my sister were friendly, but I was bold and outgoing, and I'm sure that reminded him of The Golden Child too.

What it boils down to is that I think he saw me as a mini version of my oldest brother, even though I wasn't evil and manipulative like him, and he transferred his negative feelings about The Golden Child on to me.

In all fairness, if ANYONE ought to resent me, it's my sister, but she doesn't . Over the past few years, she's told me what some relatives said to her.....especially in comparison to me.....and it has made me so mad. One, because it was cruel to say those things to a child. Two, because it was a perfect set up to make her resent me. She was a cute enough kid, but back then there was a prejudice toward blonde haired/blue eyed children and I fit that mold. But it makes me feel terrible that such things were said to her.

People should think about whether the actions they are taking/words they are saying are a perfect recipe to cause friction between siblings. But then, sometimes it just can't be explained.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

In my case, I would say it helped to acknowledge that one sibling was the "star" of the family, the golden one who meritted all the attention. Or, in my case, 2 "stars." The rest of us live ordinary lives.

 

[luvmy2sams]

Some people, unfortunately, never grow up. In our experience, it's been because the parents never allowed or forced them to stand on their own two feet. DH and I finally decided to stop catering to the golden child in our family last year. The end result is that we're the bad guys, and certain family members have chosen to exclude us from their lives. At least now we know where we stand, and while the past year has been difficult in some respects, I wouldn't change our stance with the sibling.