Should you consider the extravagance of the wedding when purchasing a gift?

[sk!mom]

This is inspired by a call I heard today on Dr. Laura. The caller said that he and his wife got a very rude note from the bride after they attended her extravagant wedding and their gift wasn't expensive enough for her.

I consider my own budget and how close I am to the couple when purchasing the gift. I might strain the budget for really close friends or family. I've never considered the cost of the wedding.

On the other side, I have never been offended by a gift given to my family. I appreciate people recognizing and remembering our special occasions in whatever way they choose.

What do you think?

 

[faithinkarma]

I don't know when this expectation of giving according to the extravagance of the wedding first started, but I think it is rude. And shame on that bride.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I agree with you totally. A gift is a GIFT.

If the bride choses to spend a great deal on the party that is her choice and the gift is the givers choice.

 

[bsnyder]

Are you telling me the bride actually complained in her thank you note that the gift wasn't expensive enough?

I'd love to see how she worded that!

That's the most outrageous thing I've ever heard of.

To answer the question...no, I never take into consideration the cost of the wedding. I give what I can afford, based on my relationship with the bride and groom, or their families.

And I'm relieved that I've never received a note like that. I don't think I could hold my tongue.

 

[Cruisin]

I would bring what I felt comfortable bringing depending on who the wedding was for.

I don't think I would take into account how much the wedding cost!

How do you even know how extravagant it is until you get there, especially if it is not close family??

 

[flaps]

I'm in agreement with you.

Offended by a "not-good-enough" gift?

Okaaaaaaaaay.

I wouldn't have cared one wit if we'd not received any gifts when we got married (and we were young 19/20). I didn't get married for gifts, and I didn't invite people to my wedding to bring gifts. Rather, I wanted those who could and would attend to be witnesses to our vows and to celebrate and share in our union. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I agree with all of the above, but when I don't know the couple that well, I generally take into consideration the cost of my presence at the wedding as to how much I will spend. Of course, I have never been invited to a really extravagant wedding either.. I don't think I would spring for a $250 wedding gift to someone I barely knew.

Where do some people get their nerve to do what this bride did?How incredibly tacky of her, that shows that all the money in world can't buy class.

I think if I got a note like that, I would ask her to send my "cheap" present back to me, that I would like it just fine...

 

[totalia]

No of course not. The bride who suggested such a thing was extremely rude to do so. A gift is not even required at all.

If someone comes to my wedding and doesn't come with a gift, I'm not going to say anything. I'm just glad they are going to be there.

 

[CEDmom]

I can't believe a bride would write a guest and comment about the quality of the gift. A wedding gift is just that "a gift". When people start selling ticket to their weddings then guests will be required to pay to attend. However, until that happens a guest is not required to give anything. If a couple wants to spend $$$$$ on their wedding that's their right but it doesn't then become my concern.

 

[snoopy]

Wow,wonder if the caller was a guest at SIL's wedding -- she sent out a few nastygrams herself after her wedding -- causing a permanent rift with an old aunt of hers who lived on a pension --SIL shot her a "thank you for nothing" note because the old aunt did not give a gift enough to "cover her plate". She also did this, and I swear I am NOT lying. In her wedding album, where there is a place to put who came and what gift they gave you, she wrote down the exact dollar amount, and put a little asterisk by the name if they did not give enough to cover their plate. This obviously is not a woman who has a lot of class.

Uhhh, got off track,I guess. No, I don't give according to extravagance of the wedding, I give according to how close I am to the couple.

 

[rcyannacci]

I think the only thing that a guest should think of is giving a gift that they feel comfortable with. As a bride, I was embarassed when I knew that one of my friends spent over what they should have for a gift, especially knowing that they didn't have a lot of money.

Not to generalize too much, but I can only guess that this bride isn't from the South (sooooo many rules and traditions). Appalling etiquitte! My grandmother, God rest, would have a fit!

 

[Aimeedyan]

What a BRAT!

I consider the relationship with the couple AND what I can afford. I refuse to go into debt, or not be able to pay the electric bill just to give a couple a gift equal to my plate. If they want to fork out $100 a person for the meal, then they need to assume they'll never see that money again.

Of course, weddings here are never seated meals like that... I've never been to one yet, we Southern folks usually do things more economical =) Also, not many people give cash gifts either, so that makes things less stressful. We NEVER give cash for a gift.

 

[Alice28]

Wow, is THAT rude! I have my own little scale for wedding gifts; if it's a casual friend/coworker or acquaintance I try and buy a $25-35 gift off their registry. Close family and friends is $50 and up. And the expense of the wedding is NOT a factor. When I wrote thank you notes for our wedding gifts, I was so touched by the generosity of people- especially people whom DH and I did not really know, but were old friends of our parents/grandparents. One kindly gentleman, who was my grandparent's neighbors for 40+ years gave us $50 cash and I expressed my gratitude in our thank you; he wrote me back (!!) and said how nice it was for me to write such a kind note and that he realized that $50 wasn't much these days (it was to us!!!) but he hoped we had fun with it (we did!), and he wished us the best once again. What a sweet man!

 

[bsnyder]

Judi, is this "Mauve" you're talking about? Or another SIL? I get them mixed up!

 

[aprilgail2]

For weddings around here I normally give at least 100.00 a head..that seems to be the going rate....if I don't go then I send 50.00.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Originally posted by aprilgail2
For weddings around here I normally give at least 100.00 a head..that seems to be the going rate....if I don't go then I send 50.00.

A head? As in, if you have a family of 5 you give $500??? WOW! I should have invited you to my wedding LOL!

Unless you are close the family of the bride how would you know what they are spending per plate? Therefore, how would you know how much to spend on a gift? I'm with everyone else, a gift is a gift and should be based on what you are comfortably able to give, not what the "giftee" expects. To expect ANY sort of gift is tacky in itself. There were people at my wedding who were unable to afford anything more than a nice card. I was glad they were there to share the day with us and that they didn't feel embarassed by not being able to bring a gift. Pfffffffftttt on that bride.

 

[Bethshaya]

I also do the same for weddings by giving based on the "going" rate for per plate at the wedding reception. I try to give enough to at least cover my and my spouses meal. Thats just a common guideline and not written in stone. As for knowing the "going" rate, its just being aware of what places charge for events in your area. That information is all over the internet by just looking up the reception hall. Most have menus plans or packages online to get a feel for it. So yes, in my area that would be $200-$300 depending if my child came too.

I would never ever expect that from family as a rule and would never ever stoop to complaining. I know people have large families and financial constraints. I would never think to embarrass myself or the person by writing to them and telling they I had expected more.

In all honesty, it is a gift and not owed to me.

My guess is, the bride in the orginal post likely deserved the lesser amount and the family member was very much aware of what a wench they were and gave less on purpose. She proved how right they were when she wrote to tell them.

 

[Dcat2u]

I have a question to add to this. I am the Maid of honor for my friend at the end of the month, I have purchased my own dress and shoes (not cheap), I am throwing the bridal shower this Saturday (over half the people have not RSVPed including grooms mother). I originally offered as my wedding gift to pay for wedding cake, her mom ended up buying it, we are now doing the food for the wedding with me doing quite abit of it. She wouldn't register anywhere cause she keeps saying she just wants cash. Would $50 look cheap now since I was going to pay the $150 for cake (before we were doing the food)?

 

[lulugirl]

I think you should give what you can afford.

 

[Mr.Peanut]

i would give them a can of nuts