should we bail stepson out of jail?

[ez]

My stepson got arrested Fri. in a county a few hours away from here. He will be 24 in Nov. He lives with his girlfriend. The charges are possession of pot, valium, and selling valium to an undercover officer. He keeps calling from jail begging us to bail him out. Does not know what his court date is. He has screwed up many times before but doesn't seem to learn from his mistakes. Has gotten in trouble with the law a couple times but has managed to get out of it. My inclination this time is to let him stay in jail till his court date and take his lumps, and maybe he will finally learn a lesson. Especially since he was selling, I don't have much sympathy for him. To bail him out we have to pay 650.00 unrefundable plus 6000. collateral which I guess we would lose if he skips. This is also a possibility because he is from NY and has only lived in Fl. a short time.DH and I are stressed and going back and forth on this. DH ex says leave him in jail. Would appreciate any insight you folks might have to offer.

 

[honeywolf7]

I think it's time to let him face the music.

 

[Kermit]

It would be hard for me to do, but I'd be inclined to let him stay there. Realistically, it probably will be better for him in the long run. Unless you have some reason to really believe that he's going to turn his life around if you bail him out, there's really nothing for him to gain if you do. Maybe this will knock some sense into him.

{{{Hugs}}}

 

[RoutemanDan]

As hard as it may be,I would leave him there and hope he learns from it.Bail him out now and I would think the odds of him ever changing are slim to none.

 

[RitaZ.]

He is 24 yrs. old... IMHO, it's time for him to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. If you and your DH are always there to "rescue" him, then he has no incentive to get his life in order and change his ways.

Good luck!

 

[Boots]

No advice, but sending you HUGS and prayers.

 

[Cindy B]

This is a wakeup call for him. He is of age, and well, he should face the consequences of his actions.

The law does apply to him and his situation. If you do bail him out, the chances of him going back to this scenario are quite likely.

 

[DVC-Don]

Leave him there. I've seen a lot of older kids skip out on the bail time and again. If you do not have caller ID, stop answering the phone.

 

[Grog]

Leave him there.

I had a co-worker who constantly bailed her son (he was 22, I think) out of jail for one thing or another and despite his promises, he kept getting in trouble. One of the last times, she said she was going to let him stay there, and within 24 hours she had given in and bailed him out again, only to end up with him getting rearrested before his court date. I have no idea what she may have lost as far as collateral as she left us shortly thereafter to go to another job.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but you need to think long term (Will he benefit from being bailed out? Will I stand a good chance of losing my collateral? Etc.)

 

[chelsea&austinsmom]

I have no advise for you. You and your dh will make the right choice. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

 

[snowball22]

It is time for TOUGH LOVE. Leave him in jail. I knew someone like that whose parents kept bailing him out of trouble. They kept giving him money and bailing him out of trouble because they felt sorry for him. They were ENABLING him. He kept this up his whole life. Drugs-being bailed out-drugs-being bailed out. Well mommy and daddy kept giving him money. This sad person kept using and using till he stroked out on coke. He is now in a nursing home. He can't walk and can barely remember where he is. HE can no longer function in society. Mommy is sad because her boy is now a vegatable and can't understand why or how this happened. Those of us around know why---it is because his parents helped him with his drug abuse. Tell him that you love him with all your heart and you always will but stay tough and leave him in jail and tell him your reasons. Good luck.

 

[CarolA]

If he does skip and go back to New York you would be out $6,000. If this was his first time in trouble, maybe you should bail him out, but... it sounds to me like he has had lots of chances.

 

[doxdogy]

Leave him there.

 

[Lynn CC]

I'm sorry if I sound a little harsh on this subject, but I don't think you should bail him out. He's 24 and he's got to get his life on the right track after he gets this squared away. It must be so hard for you, I know it would be for me.

Very close friend's of ours DS who is 19 is in jail for murder. He started off with drug charges, then breaking and entering etc, etc. his parents just kept doing what they could to bail him out.
When he was 17 he spent a whole year in a youth center. The whole time his parents blamed the judicial system, they always put the blame on someone else except for him, while he was growing up the teachers (that he was threatening) were awful etc.
Now there is nothing they can do for him, he took the life of someone 21 years old who had a life ahead of him. Now he has no future either. His parents have almost stopped living themselves...it's so sad.

So, I'm not saying your son will end up doing some hard crime if you do decide to bail him out, but I think if you just let this lesson NOT be so easy for him to get out of that you may be able to set him on the right track.

A Big {HUG} to you and your DH

 

[Serena]

ez, you already know what would be best for him. Don't feel guilty. He needs to be responsible for his own actions.
{{{hug}}}

 

[Dan Murphy]

A prayer for him and you, a {hug} for you, ez. I agree with all those above, he is old enough, needs a wakeup. Tough love it is. My best to you and him, ez.

 

[helenk]

Oh boy, I know what you are going through, my step-son is 23 and he has been in and out of trouble for years.. The last time he was in jail my husband did go visit him but refused to bail him out. He would call here crying each time saying he was sorry and he had learned his lesson ..blah blah blah, but my husband was firm.
He finally had his court date and pretty much just got a slap on the hand, fines and probation. Within a week he was back to his sneaky old self.
He really has caused my husband nothing but heart ache. They see each other, my husband has him work with him from time to time but he is so undependable. Right now he is in the process of being evicted from his apartment, his girlfriend has finally had enough and he calls here crying saying he does not know what to do, where will he live etc.
Trust me, it is hard, it bothers me that my stepson does this to his father, I tried to be understanding but I just do not feel sorry for him any more and neither does his father. At some point we have to let our children make their own decisions. It is not like they do not know the difference between right and wrong.
I say, stay firm, leave him in jail.

 

[kylara]

Hugs for you and your husband. I am another who says that it is time for Tough Love. He needs to be responsible for himself at this point. You state that you can't trust him not to skip on bail and that alone is reason enough to not post it. And it seems as if you husbands ex agrees. It might seem harsh, but it is time he face up to what he has done. You can give him moral support without the financial support that might enable him to make future mistakes.

 

[jennymouse]

A friend of mine has a brother who would constantly get into trouble. It started out small time stuff then got worse as he got older. His parents or his brothers would bail him out everytime. The last time they bailed him out over selling cocaine, the day after he got out he murdered a man over cocaine money. He's been in prison for 11 years now on a life sentance. There's not a day that goes by that his family wishes they'd left him in jail.

The best thing to do is sometimes the hardest. Prayers for your family.

 

[jx3smom]

You are in such a difficult situation. I really believe it would be best for everyone if you left him there. I really don't know if I could do it but it sounds like he really needs to grow up and take some responsibility for his actions. It is also helpful that his mother agrees.