Should I be annoyed?

[Neesy228]

I know this sounds stupid, but I'm trying to guage if I'm being overly-sensitive...

My MIL and I have a VERY very(did I say very?) contentious (bordering on bitter) relationship - going on 20 years now - so I realize that I'm not an impartial judge in a lot of things she does, so I need outside opinions.

MY DH and I are very careful with our privacy - we don't have facebook pages, we don't write blogs, we send out traditional (non-photo) christmas cards because we figure that we don't need to send our kids photos to a ton of people etc etc....My IL's know this. Well, my MIL/FIL just sent us their Christmas card for the year and it's a photo of "their" grandchildren on the card - OUR KIDS. They send out close to 100 christmas cards each year to everyone they've ever known.

They never once even asked/told us that they were considering doing this and I'm pretty annoyed. My DH agrees that it was pretty disrespectful for them to not at least check to see if we were okay with it first, but I don't think he'd say anything to them about it.

Do you think she should have said something to us first? Would you be upset if it were you? Or would you let it go? I'm trying hard to not be b*itchy, and see it her way...but with all the water under the bridge (i.e. knowing how she tries to intentionally irk me) it's very very hard for me.

 

[RachelsMommie]

I think they *should* have asked you first, but I think you're being a little over-sensitive about privacy, honestly. Just my opinion, but I would just ask them to ask your permission in the future to use the kids' picture and let it go. Not worth making a fuss during the holidays.

 

[Callymum]

Hmm, this is awkward isn't it, I understand about the photo distress as we are pretty private as a family also, I was trying to think if my mum would have done this and I dont think so without at least throwing it into conversation before hand.
Maybe the reason she didn't say to you was because you have such a tense relationship in the first place.
She shouldn't have done this but it's done now and there is no way she will see it your way anyhow, I think it's getting your Dh to ask her to let you know in future if she is going to send photos etc, and explain too her this was not a correct thing to do.
Give her the benefit of the doubt and put it down too her being set in her ways and not being as responsible as your age group are. She doesn't see anything more than showing off her Grandkids to all her Friends and really that's quite nice, isn't it. 

 

[CAFarmerGirl]

Did she know that you don't have FB, send out pictures, etc... for privacy reasons?

 

[Neesy228]

Yes...she knew. Because she has a facebook account and we have had countless conversations about WHY we do not have any....

Did she know that you don't have FB, send out pictures, etc... for privacy reasons?

 

[rentayenta]

I'd be annoyed. They are your children not hers. She should have asked permission regardless of how she thinks you may have reacted.

 

[Sandy321]

This is a conversation best held with your dh to your mil -

its not easy for sure. But some things, you just have to let it go, this whole "FB" crap drives me crazy! DH and I dont have FB, our 2 older DS do have FB - my mom now has FB and she demanded the kids "friend" her -

I love watching the Judge Judy, People's Court - they really put it out there how putting so much info on the internet, FB etc will bite you if you arent careful

I have known people (some I met thru disboards at Disney - through Marathon/comp thread) who have some truly scary stalking stories, they are so protective now about putting their images out there -

so we all need to learn thru their mistakes - who wants stalkers stalking our kids?

but, since you (and I relate, 30+ years here - and mil and I.... not great relationship, I walk on egg shells - I always discuss with DH, and he has those difficult discussions with his mom- - boundaries.. dont let her overstep those boundaries!!

good luck... its so not easy! but she has already sent out those cards, those images - so she is asking for "forgiveness" not "permission" That has overstepped boundaries. That's the discussion... boundaries.

 

[iheartdisney]

Budget related how?
I think you might be over reacting just a teensy bit. It isn't the end of the world. I am assuming that the cards went out to their family and friends, and not used as a business card or billboard, and do not contain your address.
If you feel like you have to confront her, I would take the advice of the PP- let DH have the discussion. His family, his talk. I am a firm believer in that!

 

[dumboiu]

Life is too short. Just let it go and move on.

 

[Neesy228]

OP here...

Thanks everyone for you input. I know that it's a boundary issue, but trust me when I tell you that we have tried and tried to set boundaries and she just doesn't care.

As far as she is concerned, it is HER son and HER grandchildren - they're not my husband or my children. I honestly believe that she knew this would upset me and intentionally mailed the card extra early knowing that there would be a problem. It was the first christmas card we received this season.

I think I need to learn to meditate or something!

 

[Neesy228]

Yes, sorry it's not budget related...this is just where I typically post and browse. It's familiar territory. I apologize if I offended you by being off-topic. Thanks for the advice.

Budget related how?
I think you might be over reacting just a teensy bit. It isn't the end of the world. I am assuming that the cards went out to their family and friends, and not used as a business card or billboard, and do not contain your address.
If you feel like you have to confront her, I would take the advice of the PP- let DH have the discussion. His family, his talk. I am a firm believer in that!

 

[dumboiu]

I think I need to learn to meditate or something!

Actually, this is a very good idea.

 

[noahynav]

Since it would seem that your MIL is trying to get a rise out of you, refuse to play her game. Do not even acknowledge the card/picture. It will be hard for sure, and I agree that she was out of line, it is water under the bridge now. Best thing you can do is to not let her know it bothers you. Some people thrive on the the drama.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Unless the cards included the information, "These are our grandchildren - Hazel (8) an Phineas (11) Gewürztraminer; they live at 123 Main Street in Alton, MO with their parents Ken and Barbie. They attend Alton Elementary School on Park Street, both are eager to please and are suckers for child abductors who claim to need help looking for lost puppies; and oh yes! The family's emergency code word is Budapest.", no, you shouldn't be annoyed.

 

[disykat]

While I don't think I'd be particularly annoyed, I think it's reasonable to be annoyed since she knows your policy and deliberately went against it. She definitely made a power move IMO.

If she hadn't known how you felt and was just sending them to close family and friends I'd be okay with it. 100 people is not close family and friends.

 

[Marionnette]

I know this sounds stupid, but I'm trying to guage if I'm being overly-sensitive...

My MIL and I have a VERY very(did I say very?) contentious (bordering on bitter) relationship - going on 20 years now - so I realize that I'm not an impartial judge in a lot of things she does, so I need outside opinions.

MY DH and I are very careful with our privacy - we don't have facebook pages, we don't write blogs, we send out traditional (non-photo) christmas cards because we figure that we don't need to send our kids photos to a ton of people etc etc....My IL's know this. Well, my MIL/FIL just sent us their Christmas card for the year and it's a photo of "their" grandchildren on the card - OUR KIDS. They send out close to 100 christmas cards each year to everyone they've ever known.

They never once even asked/told us that they were considering doing this and I'm pretty annoyed. My DH agrees that it was pretty disrespectful for them to not at least check to see if we were okay with it first, but I don't think he'd say anything to them about it.

Do you think she should have said something to us first? Would you be upset if it were you? Or would you let it go? I'm trying hard to not be b*itchy, and see it her way...but with all the water under the bridge (i.e. knowing how she tries to intentionally irk me) it's very very hard for me.

I guess you can allow it to annoy you if you wish. It's probably something that your in-laws either don't care about or did intentionally to get a rise out of you.

Personally, I don't see what they did as being so absolutely horrible. Your kids' friends are going to Facebook their pictures when they are older, any sports team that they join will have group photos that other proud parents will display on their desks, class group photos are taken every year in our district, etc. You're not going to be able to control all of that.

 

[okeydokey]

OP here...

Thanks everyone for you input. I know that it's a boundary issue, but trust me when I tell you that we have tried and tried to set boundaries and she just doesn't care.

As far as she is concerned, it is HER son and HER grandchildren - they're not my husband or my children. I honestly believe that she knew this would upset me and intentionally mailed the card extra early knowing that there would be a problem. It was the first christmas card we received this season.

I think I need to learn to meditate or something!

In that case, I wouldn't say a word to her about it. Let her wonder if it came yet. If she asks, tell her yes it came and nothing else. If she asks what you think of it, tell her it was lovely then change the subject. She is trying to get a reaction from you. Do not give her one.

 

[scrapquitler]

Do you think she should have said something to us first? Would you be upset if it were you? Or would you let it go? I'm trying hard to not be b*itchy, and see it her way...but with all the water under the bridge (i.e. knowing how she tries to intentionally irk me) it's very very hard for me.

It would have been nice for them to say something, but I think that most Grandparents just want to brag on their beautiful grandkids, and probably never even thought about it.

I think you should just let it go.

 

[QVCshopper]

My MIL does this, too. What makes me me more annoyed is her endless pursuit of the perfect family picture all the time. I'd rather a picture of just the kids so i don't have to be involved.

Plus, my FIL is a dentist, and I find my kid's picture hanging in one of the orthodontist's rooms, like it is her kid. What's up with that?

 

[nunzia]

Budget related how?
I think you might be over reacting just a teensy bit. It isn't the end of the world. I am assuming that the cards went out to their family and friends, and not used as a business card or billboard, and do not contain your address.
If you feel like you have to confront her, I would take the advice of the PP- let DH have the discussion. His family, his talk. I am a firm believer in that!

I agree with this.. we do ALOT with our grandkids and have good relationships with all the inlaws and exes, etc. (it takes work sometimes but to keep family harmony for the kids is worth it, right?), and I use pictures of my family (grandkids ARE my family too) and events during the year to send out a picture along with the Christmas letter. To be honest I've never even thought of asking permision..never crossed my mind. Of course my kids aren't that privacy oriented, so maybe if they had expressed those things it would have changed things. I take the pictures I use, and I only send Christmas cards to family and close friends who pretty well know us all anyway, so I really don't see the big deal. It sounds like your relationship with your MIL needs alot of sorting out in many ways..do you think she is sending the pictures of the kids just to poke at you or does she just love the times she shares with them and wants to share that?
Honestly..as a grandparent this concern has never crossed my mind at all...I worry more about showing the kids equally so my kids don't think one grandkid is getting favored..

PS..added...Just realized that picture below, shown to zillions on the DIS also have some grandkids in them! I'm lucky my kids and kids in laws consider me enough of the family to share pictures I guess.