Should I accept her apology? (long)

[tarmand]

(And BTW, Tarmand, you have a pretty good grip on parenting.)

Ha! Tell me that when the second one comes in July. Why did we wait until our thirties to start a family?

I definitley have it down in theory, it's practice that I'm worried about. I'll admit to being guilty of criticizing the way some children act, but my children are 2 and a fetus so how they will act when they are 9 or 15 may make me see things in a completely different light.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

You got a lot of good advice here. My opinion is that life is too short to let this get more out of hand - you may need her one day or vice-versa, and it would be nice if you both tried to get along.

Good luck.

 

[noseybuddy]

Seems like you are both a fault, both need to supervise your kids a bit more while visiting each others homes and you both need to admit that to yourselves and apologize to each other.

 

[Sandy V.]

Ha! Tell me that when the second one comes in July. Why did we wait until our thirties to start a family?

I definitley have it down in theory, it's practice that I'm worried about. I'll admit to being guilty of criticizing the way some children act, but my children are 2 and a fetus so how they will act when they are 9 or 15 may make me see things in a completely different light.

Adding that second one does change things immensely. Mine are almost 28 months apart in age. Close one minute; bitterly sniping at each other the next. You'll do fine!!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would accept the apology and see how it goes from there. In the future if she says these things again, then be done with it.

ETA: She may have started it, but you did nothing to stop it. So I agree with the others that you need to apologize to her too.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I totally agree with most of the others here. There is no excuse for your 9 year old knocking over a 2 year old cousin. Sorry no way... If I was the mom of the 2 year old I would be pretty po'ed. theres a world of differance between the 2. Accident or not clearly he was being too wild, ( Yours) Not hers.

The mistake both of you made was bringing other issues into the arguement. Fisrt rule of thumb argue ONLY about the particular issue at hand. When you try to put other people, and other situtations into the argument. You both sound like children.

As for your nephews room? This is a huge PEEVE of mine. At family gatherings and the like.... kids are allowed to trash the host childs things. You did know he did it just forgot to clean it up. First rule is he shouldn't have been allowed to do so in the first place. This has happened SO many times here that my neices and nephews are NOT allowed upstairs in the kids rooms anymore.
Good luck, But, I agree apologize to your SIL.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Let me add a few things:

My DS9 and the nephew played in full view of myself, DH, FIL, and DS15 90% of the time we were there. It is a very small double wide and an adult was around all of the time.

DS9 accidently knock over his cousin when playing with FIL. It was purely accidental and witnessed by several people. He felt very bad afterward.

After I received the first email I discussed with DS9 about picking up the room and he agreed that he should have done that. I told him that he wasn't in trouble about breaking the toy but I wanted to know what happened. I've used this tactic with him before and he is usually very honest with me about what happened. DS is typically very careful with toys and hasn't broken anything in years.

My first response to my SIL was an immediate apology for DS not picking up after himself and an offer to pay for the toy. But I felt that she was out of line demanding constant supervision when there were adults with the kids all of the time while we were there.

I should clarify too that when I say that my boys were being their "normal" selves - they do fight mostly calling names when they get on each other's nerves. On Christmas they were both tired of each other and had a very short argument - DH told them to stop and they did. They don't typically fight in front of the in-laws as they see them very rarely. They are so different in personality that they just rub each other the wrong way at times. I did use this whole situation to have a long talk with them both and the last few days they have been working really hard to be nicer to each other.

My SIL basically blamed my DS9 for everything that possible could have gone wrong at her house that day. Even things that DH and I witnessed and we knew were not his doing. This is not the first time that SIL has picked a fight with someone in the family. She didn't speak to DFIL for over 12 years. She didn't speak to DH for 6 months because he asked her to help him hold a flashlight while he fixed HER dryer. She didn't want to so he up and left and told her to call a repairman. She has frequently had fights with friends and family over petty issues and refused to speak to them for months at a time however, this is the first time that she has targeted me and my kids.

DMIL and DH talked about the things that happened and she assured him that SIL was not speaking for the rest of the family. DH family is pretty open and things and they wouldn't be afraid to say something if they had issues.

I will apologize to her but I don't think I will have my kids around her for some time.

 

[dumboiu]

I'm sorry, this entire situation sounds majorly dysfunctional. I hope you adults can work through this - if for no other reason than to be good role models for your children. Best of luck. aw:

 

[graygables]

"Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." so, yes, you should accept her apology and forgive her for your own sake. (btw, I do think you owe an apology yourself for your reply) It's clear she has a history and knowing that, you should be able to take her email with a teaspoon of salt. Demanding that you supervise your child is not out of the question and I wouldn't have thought twice about it...it would be a 'whatever' moment for me. It sounds as though you are very angry with her for what you perceive as mooching from her parents. As DH tells me, it's none of your business what they choose to do with their money. They are adults, it's their money, they can do what they want to with it.

 

[Disney Doll]

My advice to you would be to decide how important it is to you, your DH & kids to have a relationship with your in-laws. If it is important, then accept the apology, be the bigger person and apologize back, and let it lie.

If you decide that enough is enough, then don't accept the apology and cut yourself off from DH's family.

My opinion...I think everybody's wrong, everybody should apologize and get on with it. Your kids weren't perfect angels, her kids weren't perfect angels, she said some nasty stuff, you said some nasty stuff right back, neither of you stuck to the subject at hand, which was the kids, and instead chose to drag other family issues into the fight.

Everybody need to grow up nand stop acting like the 2 and 9 year old, who may be the smartest ones of all, because I am sure that 5 minutes after they had a fight, they were back to getting along.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I totally agree with most of the others here. There is no excuse for your 9 year old knocking over a 2 year old cousin. Sorry no way... If I was the mom of the 2 year old I would be pretty po'ed. theres a world of differance between the 2. Accident or not clearly he was being too wild, ( Yours) Not hers.

When my DS knocked over the 2 year old he literally backed into him and the little one fell over. There was no wildness involved. They were standing next to DFIL and he didn't see his cousin behind him.

 

[dumboiu]

My advice to you would be to decide how important it is to you, your DH & kids to have a relationship with your in-laws. If it is important, then accept the apology, be the bigger person and apologize back, and let it lie.

If you decide that enough is enough, then don't accept the apology and cut yourself off from DH's family.

My opinion...I think everybody's wrong, everybody should apologize and get on with it. Your kids weren't perfect angels, her kids weren't perfect angels, she said some nasty stuff, you said some nasty stuff right back, neither of you stuck to the subject at hand, which was the kids, and instead chose to drag other family issues into the fight.

Everybody need to grow up nand stop acting like the 2 and 9 year old, who may be the smartest ones of all, because I am sure that 5 minutes after they had a fight, they were back to getting along.

Bravo............excellent advice. aw:

 

[Laura]

You did apologize for your son in your first e-mail to her. I think you should accept her apology, and issue her another apology for what you wrote to her.

 

[Nana Annie]

Yes, accept her apology and offer a big one yourself.

Also, I would call a family meeting and sit down with the in-laws. Go with an open mind and ask them if DSIL is telling the truth about them not wanting to be around your kids. Listen to what they have to say and don't get defensive. Make changes if needed. Sometimes, behavior doesn't bother us, may bother somebody else tremendously.

As for the cleaning part, this is also a pet peeve of mine. So, as a parent, I try to be proactive about it. Young kids need encouragement and guidance on proper social skills. They can get so caught up with the fun of visiting, sometimes they forget all their manners Anyway, this works for us, maybe it can work for you, since your 9 year old realized he should have cleaned, but didn't do it.

About 1/2 hour before we plan on leaving, I call my kids and tell them they need to start cleaning up after themselves. I do periodic inspections to make sure they are cleaning their mess. We don't leave until the play areas are the same or better than when we arrive. Or, if our hosts insist we forget about it (we have one friend who is anal about where things go and hates anybody else to straighten up their house), at least we made the effort to help. Of course, this also involves many, many check-ins with the kids throughout the visit to make sure that they aren't making a huge, disruptive mess in the first place.

 

[Skywalker]

Well, you are still posting "negative" things about your sister-in-law that are all in the past. I know they contribute to how you're feeling right now but don't use this as an excuse to end the relationship - if you want to then just do it but don't blame it on this incident because here she is clearly being the bigger person by being the first one to reach out and apologize.

 

[jbdreamer]

I think you should accept her apology, apologize again to her for the mean things you said - it was unnecessary, and move on.

Seriously, kids will be kids. They make messes, occasionally break things and sometimes get hurt. It's not like your children are monsters doing bad things on purpose. My little cousin got banged in the head pretty good on Christmas, but it was an accident. No one played the blame game.

Yes your boys should have helped cleaned up their mess. Apologize, and use this as a leaning experience. And with the apology, tell your SIL to lighten up. Just wait till her 2 year old is 9, I am sure he will not be a perfect angel either.

It seems like this argument was more about you and your SIL then it was your children.

 

[disneymom3]

Well, after your second post with more explanation, my opinion changes a bit. I have a sister like this who just randomly gets mad at people and they don't know why. You did apologize for your son, and I believe him about the broken toy. My DD is the same way, she would have told me if she broke it--with some tears and handwringing perhaps, but she would have told me the truth.

I would tell her thank you for the apology and also say I was sorry for being out of line in my response to her. (Even if you meant it and she is a pill, it wasn't nice to say.) and then not give a lot of stress or thought to repairing the relationship. Sometimes with people like this you just have to let things go. I do think you owe her an apology too, but she sounds like she may be hard to get along with.

Personally, I could never see a reason for not accepting an apology from someone.

 

[gharrer]

Did you know that only a small amount of communication is the written/spoken word. The rest is non-verbal which is missing in e-mails. That is why they are easily misconstrued. Also it is a lot easier to say mean things to a screen than a person. My advice is to deal with problems face to face. Maybe this would not have gotten so out of hand. (maybe not)

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I just sent a short apology to my SIL - said that I let things (the emails) get out of hand and I was sorry. So we'll see how it goes.

 

[disneymom3]

I think that is entirely appropriate. Good for you!