Should I accept her apology? (long)

[BriarfoxinWA]

This is kinda long but here's the abreviated version:

We (DH, me, DS15 & DS9) spent Christmas day at SIL house. SIL is a single mom with a 2 1/2 yr old DS. The boys were being their normal selves and fighting with each other until DH told them to knock it off. DS9 loves playing with nephew but a couple of this happened while were were there - nephew got knocked over by DS by accident and bit his lip and one of his toys got broken. Nephew's room was also pretty messy when we left & I forgot to have DS9 help pick it up.

Well my SIL sent a really nasty email to an account of mine I rarely use and I didn't receive it until this past Saturday. She accused DS9 of trashing her son's room, breaking his toy and both boys of generally having terrible manners. She said that DS9 was not welcome to come over unless I was to directly supervise him at all times. Now she was busy making Christmas dinner and there were other in-laws there at the time so no-one was watching the kids play all of the time. I may be biased by my boys were raised to be polite and respect others.

I was very hurt since the email was totally addressed to me and not at all to DH. I spoke to DS9 and he says he didn't break the toy & I believe him. In fairness I sent her an apology and offered to pay for the broken toy. But I told her I wouldn't attend functions at her home since I didn't believe that my DS needed supervision. I couldn't resist throwing in a couple of lines about how she fails to watch her son at family gatherings which has resulted in at least 3 potentially life threatening situations for her DS.

So of course she responded with a full page of nastyness- mostly about how she was speaking for all of my in-laws about how awful it is that my boys fight (verbally) and how they don't like to be around them. (they only see them for maybe a few hours a year) So of course I couldn't resist in one last response regarding how lonely it will be being the perfect parent with the perfect child on their pedlestal. I also stooped to adding one other thing that really irritates me - she has to be supported by my almost retirement age inlaws since she lives beyond her means. She has no ambition to get a job that will pay enough to fully support herself and her child.

Yesterday she tried to start a conversation with me over MSN Messenger but I wasn't home. When I opened it - it is an apology for what she said. I'm really tempted to pretend I never saw it - not to continue the fight but because I had already told her I was going to block her email - and MAINLY because this apology was I'm sure because my DMIL told her to.

 

[CapeCodTenor]

You threw in a few good jabs that probably hit a nerve and it's starting to sink in...I would hope. So I would ignore it for now and see how this plays out. Keep us informed as to what happens.

 

[CathrynRose]

This is kinda long but here's the abreviated version:



Yesterday she tried to start a conversation with me over MSN Messenger but I wasn't home. When I opened it - it is an apology for what she said. I'm really tempted to pretend I never saw it - not to continue the fight but because I had already told her I was going to block her email - and MAINLY because this apology was I'm sure because my DMIL told her to.

Yikes! What a yucky email to have to open up.

I dont know - the 2 choices you have, need to be based on how much the relationship with the in-laws mean to you.

Life is too short to perpetuate an argument, when she has apologuzed. Although, knowing she's had these feelings about your child would be enough for me to say "forget it" and never speak with her again.

Good luck to you, in whatever decision you make.

 

[skiwee1]

Wow. I don't know. You admit you didn't have your son clean the room. You said your kids were polite yet they didn't think to clean up after themselves. You also say you don't have to supervise your son yet he knocks over the little 2 1/2 y/o and the little one bites his lip. She also tells you that all the other in laws feel the same about your fighting kids? You then throw all kinds of stuff up to your SIL about being lonely and this and that. Sounds like we are only getting part of the story. I'd also say you owe her an apology.

 

[diznygirl]

Well, if you accept her apology it should be followed up by your own apology for the things you have said about her. If you are willing to do that, then go ahead.

(This is why it is wise to let the other person do all the talking in an argument - it means you will have nothing to apologize for!)

 

[tiggersmom2]

Wow. I don't know. You admit you didn't have your son clean the room. You said your kids were polite yet they didn't think to clean up after themselves. You also say you don't have to supervise your son yet he knocks over the little 2 1/2 y/o and the little one bites his lip. She also tells you that all the other in laws feel the same about your fighting kids? You then throw all kinds of stuff up to your SIL about being lonely and this and that. Sounds like we are only getting part of the story. I'd also say you owe her an apology.

ITA!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow. I don't know. You admit you didn't have your son clean the room. You said your kids were polite yet they didn't think to clean up after themselves. You also say you don't have to supervise your son yet he knocks over the little 2 1/2 y/o and the little one bites his lip. She also tells you that all the other in laws feel the same about your fighting kids? You then throw all kinds of stuff up to your SIL about being lonely and this and that. Sounds like we are only getting part of the story. I'd also say you owe her an apology.

Agreed. You have accepted no responsibility for the issues you are just as guilty as she is.

I would take her out for supper & apologize.
You are using children as pawns to cover up adults issues you have with each other. Don't drag kids into the middle of that.

 

[chobie]

The 9 y.o. boy was fighting with the 2 year old?

 

[kdibattista]

Agreed. You have accepted no responsibility for the issues you are just as guilty as she is.

I would take her out for supper & apologize.
You are using children as pawns to cover up adults issues you have with each other. Don't drag kids into the middle of that.

ITA!!

 

[dis ms.]

Wow. I don't know. You admit you didn't have your son clean the room. You said your kids were polite yet they didn't think to clean up after themselves. You also say you don't have to supervise your son yet he knocks over the little 2 1/2 y/o and the little one bites his lip. She also tells you that all the other in laws feel the same about your fighting kids? You then throw all kinds of stuff up to your SIL about being lonely and this and that. Sounds like we are only getting part of the story. I'd also say you owe her an apology.

This is exactly what I was thinking. If I were you, I would be upset about the things she said about my DS. HOWEVER, if I were her, I also would not be pleased that no one helped clean up the mess your DS helped make. I'd also be ticked about the personal things you said about me.

Yeah, from what you have written, you both have a reason to apologize. I guess you have to determine if the relationship is worth salvaging.

Another thing...It's never easy to hear criticism about your kids, but this may be a good opportunity to remind your sons how to behave at family functions. Just a thought.

 

[luvmy2sams]

This is kinda long but here's the abreviated version:

We (DH, me, DS15 & DS9) spent Christmas day at SIL house. SIL is a single mom with a 2 1/2 yr old DS. The boys were being their normal selves and fighting with each other until DH told them to knock it off. DS9 loves playing with nephew but a couple of this happened while were were there - nephew got knocked over by DS by accident and bit his lip and one of his toys got broken. Nephew's room was also pretty messy when we left & I forgot to have DS9 help pick it up.

Well my SIL sent a really nasty email to an account of mine I rarely use and I didn't receive it until this past Saturday. She accused DS9 of trashing her son's room, breaking his toy and both boys of generally having terrible manners. She said that DS9 was not welcome to come over unless I was to directly supervise him at all times. Now she was busy making Christmas dinner and there were other in-laws there at the time so no-one was watching the kids play all of the time. I may be biased by my boys were raised to be polite and respect others.

I was very hurt since the email was totally addressed to me and not at all to DH. I spoke to DS9 and he says he didn't break the toy & I believe him. In fairness I sent her an apology and offered to pay for the broken toy. But I told her I wouldn't attend functions at her home since I didn't believe that my DS needed supervision. I couldn't resist throwing in a couple of lines about how she fails to watch her son at family gatherings which has resulted in at least 3 potentially life threatening situations for her DS.

So of course she responded with a full page of nastyness- mostly about how she was speaking for all of my in-laws about how awful it is that my boys fight (verbally) and how they don't like to be around them. (they only see them for maybe a few hours a year) So of course I couldn't resist in one last response regarding how lonely it will be being the perfect parent with the perfect child on their pedlestal. I also stooped to adding one other thing that really irritates me - she has to be supported by my almost retirement age inlaws since she lives beyond her means. She has no ambition to get a job that will pay enough to fully support herself and her child.

Yesterday she tried to start a conversation with me over MSN Messenger but I wasn't home. When I opened it - it is an apology for what she said. I'm really tempted to pretend I never saw it - not to continue the fight but because I had already told her I was going to block her email - and MAINLY because this apology was I'm sure because my DMIL told her to.

I think you should accept her apology and promptly offer up a BIG one of your own. I'd like to hear your SIL's version of what happened, since you state

So of course she responded with a full page of nastyness- mostly about how she was speaking for all of my in-laws about how awful it is that my boys fight (verbally) and how they don't like to be around them. (they only see them for maybe a few hours a year)

It sounds like there was a conversation about your family after you all left the gathering. If they only see your kids for a few hours a year, I can see how they would not like being around them, especially since you admitted that your kids were "being their normal selves" and fighting with each other. Not a good impression to leave relatives with, even though everyone knows that siblings bicker with each other. If that's all the family sees, then the family probably talks about their behavior afterwards.

I personally wouldn't leave a 9-year-old totally unsupervised in someone else's home. Did you or DH begin watching the kids closer after the accident with the 2 1/2 year old? I've got a 2 1/2 year old myself, and I'm fully aware of what kinds of messes he can make in his room by himself. Perhaps your SIL is judging the room mess based on what's normal for her DS. Bigger mess than usual=help from the cousins? Seems like an obvious conclusion to draw.

I hope you get this resolved in a matter that satisifies you. Life is way too short to end a family relationship over something like this.

 

[DreaminDisney]

I agree with above posters.

 

[CathrynRose]

(This is why it is wise to let the other person do all the talking in an argument - it means you will have nothing to apologize for!)

Why havent I ever thought of this?

You may have SERIOUSLY helped in my 'gotta have the last word' problem - cuz now I have a reason not to.

Thanks!

 

[Disneynutbsv]

Wow. I don't know. You admit you didn't have your son clean the room. You said your kids were polite yet they didn't think to clean up after themselves. You also say you don't have to supervise your son yet he knocks over the little 2 1/2 y/o and the little one bites his lip. She also tells you that all the other in laws feel the same about your fighting kids? You then throw all kinds of stuff up to your SIL about being lonely and this and that. Sounds like we are only getting part of the story. I'd also say you owe her an apology.

I also agree with this.

 

[Jennasis]

Oh dear. Not only do you accept her apology, but you owe her a rather large one. Your son messed up your nephews room, knocked the kid over (contributing to a hurt lip). You may believe your 9yo when he claims to not have broken the toy but I haven't met a 9 year old yet who wouldn't/hasn't lied when confronted about breaking something (myself included). He absolutely broke the toy (probably on accident).

Was your SIL way off base in firing off a "nasty e-mail" to you? ABSOLUTELY! But you both probably should have handled the situation like two grown women and phoned each other directly and discussed it like adults rather than slinging mud like two angry junior high school students. E-mail allows for people to say things two one another that they would never ever deign to say in person. You would likely never have told her to her face (or over the phone) that she "has to be supported by my almost retirement age inlaws since she lives beyond her means. She has no ambition to get a job that will pay enough to fully support herself and her child." If you can't say in person...don't write it in an e-mail.

You owe her an apology. And in answer to your original question, YES you most certainly should accept hers.

 

[tarmand]

Wow. I don't know. You admit you didn't have your son clean the room. You said your kids were polite yet they didn't think to clean up after themselves. You also say you don't have to supervise your son yet he knocks over the little 2 1/2 y/o and the little one bites his lip. She also tells you that all the other in laws feel the same about your fighting kids? You then throw all kinds of stuff up to your SIL about being lonely and this and that. Sounds like we are only getting part of the story. I'd also say you owe her an apology.

It looks like skiwee1 hit the nail on the head with this one. It's obviously hurtful to hear these things about your children, but just from reading what you posted, I instantly thought that I wouldn't enjoy being around your children either. If their "normal selves" is fighting with each other, that should have been nipped in the bud immediately so that your family wouldn't have had any reason to talk badly about them after you left. Sometimes parents are so quick to take up for their children that they don't realize that what the other people are saying is true. To allow your children to be disruptive in someone elses home is a bad idea, especially if they only see them once a year. If they act this way every time they see them, they are naturally going to assume that you have raised a couple of disruptive children. I'm not saying it's true, just that it's what they conceive to be true.

You can take my advice with a grain of salt since my child is only two years old. You are obviously 13 years my senior in child rearing and I could be totally wrong here.

Oh, and I wouldn't just offer to replace the toy, I'd go out and buy a new one and give it to her with my apology.

 

[dumboiu]

Well, if you accept her apology it should be followed up by your own apology for the things you have said about her. If you are willing to do that, then go ahead.

(This is why it is wise to let the other person do all the talking in an argument - it means you will have nothing to apologize for!)

Very good advice. aw:

 

[Patty3]

It looks like skiwee1 hit the nail on the head with this one. It's obviously hurtful to hear these things about your children, but just from reading what you posted, I instantly thought that I wouldn't enjoy being around your children either. If their "normal selves" is fighting with each other, that should have been nipped in the bud immediately so that your family wouldn't have had any reason to talk badly about them after you left. Sometimes parents are so quick to take up for their children that they don't realize that what the other people are saying is true. To allow your children to be disruptive in someone elses home is a bad idea, especially if they only see them once a year. If they act this way every time they see them, they are naturally going to assume that you have raised a couple of disruptive children. I'm not saying it's true, just that it's what they conceive to be true.

You can take my advice with a grain of salt since my child is only two years old. You are obviously 13 years my senior in child rearing and I could be totally wrong here.

Oh, and I wouldn't just offer to replace the toy, I'd go out and buy a new one and give it to her with my apology.

You both hit the nail on the head!

 

[Sandy V.]

It looks like skiwee1 hit the nail on the head with this one. It's obviously hurtful to hear these things about your children, but just from reading what you posted, I instantly thought that I wouldn't enjoy being around your children either. If their "normal selves" is fighting with each other, that should have been nipped in the bud immediately so that your family wouldn't have had any reason to talk badly about them after you left. Sometimes parents are so quick to take up for their children that they don't realize that what the other people are saying is true. To allow your children to be disruptive in someone elses home is a bad idea, especially if they only see them once a year. If they act this way every time they see them, they are naturally going to assume that you have raised a couple of disruptive children. I'm not saying it's true, just that it's what they conceive to be true.

I agree completely. I also agree with the poster who said that few 9 year olds would step up to the plate and admit that they broke the toy. Mine are 18 and 15 now, and frankly, neither one at that age would have confessed. (They're "good" kids, but they ARE kids, after all!)

So, yes, OP, I would accept her apology and offer up one of my own in return.

(And BTW, Tarmand, you have a pretty good grip on parenting.)

 

[RitaZ.]

Yes, you should accept the apology, but also be prepared to apologize to your SIL. There are obviously some other issues going on between you two.

BTW, I like the poster's suggestion on letting the other person do all the talking.