should DD go to visitation for friend's grandma?

[Rock'n Robin]

The grandma of DD#1's best friend died this week. DD had asked to go to the visitation earlier in the week, knowing this would happen. Now that it is tonight, though, she has second thoughts. She says since she didn't really know her friend's grandma, she shouldn't go. I explained that we often go to this type of things just to support our friends. She and her friend are both 13 and in 8th grade. Any insight on this? I will not force her to go, but I don't think she understands the point of the whole thing.
BTW she cannot go to the funeral as we have conflicts galore tomorrow morning.
Robin m.

 

[horseshowmom]

If she's concerned about the viewing of the body, perhaps you could suggest to her that she just go in and visit with her friend for a few minutes to show her concern. She really doesn't have to go near the casket. I do agree with you, I wouldn't make her go if she decides against it.

 

[vacanut]

I don't really think its necessary for her to go.
If she wants to go I would go with her and support her (especially if this is the 1st one she's going to)

I wouldn't force her to go.

 

[mom2boys]

It would probably mean a lot to her friend. As SBCLIFTON said, she doesn't actually have to view the body. I assume you will accompnay her but I wouldn't force it.

 

[Steamboat Marti]

The only way I can explain it is this - she won't get the chance to go next week. Will she be upset if she missed it? If the answer is yes, then ask her if she's afraid to go. Let her know MOST people are afraid to go, face it - death is a scary thing and we're not 13! But if she'd be upset that she missed it, she should try to go so her friend knows her support. Is there any way you could go along so she doesn't face too many fears? (ie viewing the body). Its a tough decision at any age.

 

[Disney Doll]

Maybe she can go & talk t her friend in the back of the room and not go too near the body.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Well she just went off to help my dad with his grocery shopping, and he wants to take her to dinner with them. I told him that this viewing was an option and he said he'd talk to her and if she wanted to go he'd bring her home in plenty of time.
She has already been to one viewing, but it was 4 years ago and it was her great-grandma (my DH's Nana). I would most definately go with her if she wants to go. If she doesn't, we'll send a nice card to her friend's family. But I also think her friend would be glad to see her. It's a rough time to sit in a funeral home for 7 hours when you are 13 and you have just lost your grandma, poor thing.
Robin M.

 

[RUDisney]

It'll be much easier for her to go to this wake... not knowing the person very well... than having to go when it is someone that she did know well.

She's going to have to bite the bullet some time and go to this sort of thing. Could you go with her to support her through her fears? Obviously, you know the family, if only through her stories, and you know her girlfriend, so it wouldn't be awkward for you to go, too.

 

[mtblujeans]

It'll be much easier for her to go to this wake... not knowing the person very well... than having to go when it is someone that she did know well.

She's going to have to bite the bullet some time and go to this sort of thing. Could you go with her to support her through her fears? Obviously, you know the family, if only through her stories, and you know her girlfriend, so it wouldn't be awkward for you to go, too.

I agree. We haven't known too many people who have passed away but we have taken our kids (17 & 14) to funerals, even if they did not know the person very well. We feel it is part of preparing them for adult life. And, if you can go too, all the better. You can help guide her through this so that she has the experience of the appropriate behavior or what to expect.

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, since she has already been to one a few years ago my thinking was all wrong! I thought she might be scared of the whole idea of it but probably not. I went to my first funeral in the 8th grade. A friend of mine's dad died and I didn't know his dad well but I also didn't want the first dead body I saw to be someone I loved. I went to support my friend as losing his dad at such a young age was very hard for him.

God bless her friend who is grieving for her grandmother. DD has been through this with DH's father and it was, and sometimes still is, hard.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My kids have been to many many viewings since they were little babies. We go and pay our respects to the family. It is kind of like what is expected and they don't know anything different.

 

[Pam]

Maybe she can go & talk t her friend in the back of the room and not go too near the body.

My DD and another of her friends did this when their friend's Grandmother died. They were both 13. They actually sat in another room and talked to the girl.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Well we did go, and I'm glad because the poor girl hadn't seen anyone her age except some older cousins and her sister all day long. If anything my DD was too upbeat discussing when she would call her Sunday, etc. I paid my own respects to the parents.
I guess the Grandma had only been diagnosed 30 days ago! But by the time she was diagnosed whatever kind of cancer it was had metastatized all over the place. I know on Monday Kelsey said her mom had gone to grandma's to try to get her to take her meds--she was saying they didn't do any good. Now I know she was a nurse, so maybe she figured it wasn't helping anyhow. She was actually a Korean War veteran in nursing.
There were several similarities to my folks--their 50th anniversary was last year, and this woman was one month older than my dad. I just dread going through that someday. I also feel for the husband (Kelsey's grandpa) left behind--he looked just bereft.
I think DD understands now that it is appropriate to go to services to help the survivors. At her age (I hope) she will be at few funerals where her peers are the deceased--I had one of those at 17 that scarred me for a good long while. The older you get, unfortunately, the more peers' funerals you have to go to.
Robin M.

 

[RUDisney]

I was wondering about what happened on Friday and just logged in now to find out. I'm sure that Kelsey will remember you DD's... and your... kindness and that you came. So many of my friends who lost their parents at a young age still remember who was there and who wasn't. I'm glad that she got to go and support her friend. She showed much class and maturity by conquering her hesitation and going.

 

[Daxx]

Well we did go

Please let your DD know that I am proud of her for going. It's not easy to deal w/death, regardless of your age. However, your DD provided the support and warmth that her friend needed at this time. Let your DD know that she did something very special for her friend and that her friend appreciates her being there. It's always nice to have the care and concern of your friends during a sad, difficult time.

Kudos to your DD for her maturity!