Shocked: Extended Family Shocker

[*pixie*dust*]

I am in shock. I spoke to my sister a few minutes ago. My mom's side of the family is very close. It's a big family- she has 5 brothers and sisters and I have over 20 first cousins. Our gatherings are generally 40+ people at minimum.
We get together often and though we are a diverse group, we all seem to have good relationships. At least I thought that was the case. I guess that is why the news is so shocking.

One of my adult cousins has said that when we were kids, not one, but TWO of our relatives sexually abused her. I am devastate and shocked and speechless. How can our family deal with this? How did this happen? I dont have any specific details-- but my poor cousin! My heart is broken for her. How can she have been coming to gatherings all these years, with her abusers there? It must have been torture. Why would these people do this?

I am sorry, I know that I am asking a lot of rhetorical questions.

If any of you have been through something like this, how can I help/support my cousin? I am so heartbroken for her. I am also so shaken because I can't help but think - omg, it could have been me or my sister just as easily. It's so frightening.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

When she wants to talk...listen.

Believe her story...sure there might be a small chance it is not true...but for most of the cases...it is true and to show any sign of disbelief is a breech of trust that I simply cannot describe in words.

You don't need details. But if they come up AND it is too much for you to hear...you don't need to hear them. But you need to very sympathetically, decline to hear them.

If it seems your relative struggles in life with anger or trust issues that are well beyond what you can manage, offer support in helping your relative to find a counselor to help the healing process.

Victims who want to talk will--those that don't, won't want you to pry. I was in therapy for PTSD. I went throuh therapy trying to figure out what caused it and refused for months to process the one thing that did cause it. After exhausting my theoretical causes, I finally "caved" and agreed to process that event. It was very scary and I cannot say that I enjoyed doing it. But it proved to be the trauma and it was beneficial.

My point in mentioning it is not to offer an unsolicited diagnosis---but to demonstrate how a victim may be unwilling to deal.

I have a relative that was abused in her youth. Others were as well , but they blocked it and think this one relative is making it up. Very devestating causing life long issues. Being believed would have made a HUGE positive impact.

 

[threecrazykids]

I wouldn't do anything unless she asks for help. Maybe she just needs someone to listen and do nothing more but that. If she's looking for help I'm sure you can do a quick internet search of locations near you to assist her if she needs counseling.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think you should reach out to her and tell her she still has a place in your life. You'd be stunned how many families behave exactly as was described in Medusa's story where the victim is the only one who ever suffers Sometimes abuse victims totally cut themselves off from their families because they can't bare the thought of having to defend themselves. If you love her make sure she knows it, she's very vulnerable whether she says so or not, don't pry but make sure she knows there is a place for her with you and don't be surprised when many in your family line up against her. Keep this in mind before you reach out, if you are not sure where your loyalty lies then it is much kinder to just leave her alone then tell her you will make room for her only to reject her in the end.

 

[minkydog]

I just want to send you a hug. I can imagine how devastating this news was. My sister and I were victims of a much-loved relative and NO ONE ever stood up for us. Both of us have suffered PTSD and depression all our lives(we're 45 & 53.) In our situation we just gave up. Nobody wants to believe that said relative would ever hurt someone, therefore we MUST be mistaken. It just couldn't have happened. Except it did.

I know you will want to support your cousin any way you can. You don't even have to say much. Just tell her/him that you're sorry it happened. Just let them know you believe their story and you're willing to listen (if you are--if you don't really want to hear the details, don't offer to listen. It's okay.)

 

[Mermaid02]

Chances are- if it happened to her, it happened to more members of your family. Brace yourself.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I know you will want to support your cousin any way you can. You don't even have to say much. Just tell her/him that you're sorry it happened. Just let them know you believe their story and you're willing to listen (if you are--if you don't really want to hear the details, don't offer to listen. It's okay.)

This.

Chances are- if it happened to her, it happened to more members of your family. Brace yourself.

And this.

But, like others have said, just saying that you believe her/them will help.

 

[bumbershoot]

When she wants to talk...listen.

Believe her story...sure there might be a small chance it is not true...but for most of the cases...it is true and to show any sign of disbelief is a breech of trust that I simply cannot describe in words.

You don't need details. But if they come up AND it is too much for you to hear...you don't need to hear them. But you need to very sympathetically, decline to hear them.

I agree.


My mom, in the last few years of her life, started regaining memories from early childhood about her father abusing her. Her brother and sister did not believe her. It really hurt her. She didn't talk to her mom about it b/c her mom was in Alzheimer's-land already.


I have a friend from a large Indian family...everyone in the family knew that her uncle had abused her when she was little. And everyone, but her, ignored it. He was there at every family function. No one let him near her, but he was still there. It was SO hard for her, but hers was a very male-centric family and females got no say, let alone female *children*, so there was nothing for her to do. Thankfully she somehow worked through it and remains family-oriented with a nice marriage and nice children etc etc...but I don't know how she did it!

 

[JoiseyMom]

I will repeat what the others have said...just believe her and be there for her.

 

[lovepurple]

It happens more than most people know. My mom blurted out to my grandmother during an argument years ago that she had been abused by her stepdad. He died while I was a young child. I believe my mom blames my grandmother even though my grandmother swears she didn't know anything about it. I was also shocked because I had been abused by this same man but have always been in fear to ever tell anyone and I know I probably never will (except for perfect strangers on the internet) because my mom would never forgive herself for not protecting me from him.
To tell people takes a lot of guts. Just be supportive and let your cousin know that this does not have to define who she is as a person. She is not alone. I wish I could be more open with people in my life but since the man is dead I know he can't hurt anyone anymore.

 

[arminnie]

When she wants to talk...listen.

Believe her story...sure there might be a small chance it is not true...but for most of the cases...it is true and to show any sign of disbelief is a breech of trust that I simply cannot describe in words.

I will repeat what the others have said...just believe her and be there for her.

I have a friend who I truly believe got influenced by the "false memory" thing. Her memory is that her father sexually abused her when she was 6 months old - but never again. I have several friends who are in the psych field, and all have said that it is impossible for a child to have an explicit memory from that age. She had tons of details of what she remembered happening.

But I never told her that I didn't believe her. That would have been shattering for her. The other reason I think she was unduly influenced was that she kept asking me if I was sure my father had not abused me as a child. Yes I am sure that never happened. She did this to everyone. She became convinced that any problem anyone ever had was caused by abuse maybe as an infant.

She had joined a support group led by a woman who had no psych credentials. One by one each group member "remembered" abuse after being coached along that way.

It was really sad. But the whole point of this is not to question that it may not be true - but there is nothing to be gained and lots to lose if you act like you doubt her.

Unfortunately it probably is true.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Thank you all for the insights and encouragement. I will indeed try to be supportive in whatever way my cousin needs. I have not spoken to her directly yet but think I will send her a support type of card to just let her know that I am here if she needs me. I don't want to intrude on her but I want her to know that I believe and support her.

Another poster mentioned that there may be more victims in our family. I truly hope this is not the case but I do realize it is possible. Things will never be the same in my extended family again-- but at least now her ordeal is out in the open and maybe she can start healing.

Thank you all for your support. I know that it is a very sensitive subject and I do appreciate everyone of you that offered their insights. For those of you that have suffered this kind of trauma, know that I think you are strong beyond belief and that you truly are survivors.

 

[Mermaid02]

PixieDust-
Are the abusers still alive or deceased? Would they have had access to other cousins too? I am the one who said it probably happened to more than one of you- and I think it's probably true unless this ONE cousin was the only one they had "alone" time with and that is probably unlikely.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

My family was similar (large and very close) and we had to deal with the same issue a couple of years ago. In our case, it was a cousin that was preying on the young girls in the family and he got caught when one girl told her parents immediately when it happened. (There is at least one other child in the family who was affected and the abuse had happened over a period of several years. I strongly suspect that another female cousin was also a victim, but she has never admitted it).

This situation has been hard on every member of the family. I know that our family will never be the same or as close as it was. The cousin (who is in his late teens) and his parents no longer attend any family functions where the victims or their parents will be.

Unfortunately, I think this kind of thing is extremely common in families. Definitely more so than it is discussed because so many times people are afraid to admit to anything like that happening. I was shocked when our family was affected by it, and even more so when I found out that my grandmother and my MIL had both been abused by their uncles when they were young.

I think it is essential that every parent talk to their kids about inappropriate touching and what to do when someone makes them uncomfortable as soon as their child is old enough to understand. It is very important that kids know they need to tell their parents immediately and not hide this sort of thing if it happens to them. The psychological effects on the child are much more pronounced if the abuse happens over a long period and is kept a secret. All too often, parents worry about the dangers that strangers present to their children when it is much more likely that kids will be hurt by someone that is known and trusted.

Good luck to your family. I'm sure it wasn't easy for your relative to come out about her experience and I hope that your family is able to support her at this difficult time.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

PixieDust-
Are the abusers still alive or deceased? Would they have had access to other cousins too? I am the one who said it probably happened to more than one of you- and I think it's probably true unless this ONE cousin was the only one they had "alone" time with and that is probably unlikely.

One is living. The other is not.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

I have a relative that was abused in her youth. Others were as well , but they blocked it and think this one relative is making it up. Very devestating causing life long issues. Being believed would have made a HUGE positive impact.

My best friend went through this. She was molested by a much older cousin and no one (not even her parents) believed her when she told them about it. So she ended up being abused a few more times by him while she was growing up. And still no one in the family believes her.
She has been very traumatized by this for the rest of her life.

Just be there for her. Let her know that if she wants to talk, that you're there for her. Also suggest she see a professional. Especially since the trauma isn't always easy to see. Some abused people can hide it fairly well, but it doesn't mean that they don't need to talk about it.

Also, I would want to know the people involved. That way when you are at family gatherings with these people, you can keep a watch on them.

 

[ChrizJen]

I went through what you are talking about, OP.
In my case, I was very young when it began, and it was an uncle. By the time I was old enough to realize what was happening, I was afraid and ashamed, and never said anything. In my case at the time, I was young enough that it didn't occur to me that there may have been other victims.
I was in high school and going through puberty before it really came down on me like a ton of bricks (high school was my own private hell because was dealing with this for the first time in addition to regular high school stuff).
By then, with the help of a high school counseler, I almost had the courage to finally say something. But at this point, my uncle was married to a wonderful, wonderful person, whom I love dearly. He doesn't deserve the wonderful wife that he has, but I could not and would not ruin her life. So I've dealt with things in my own ways.
I would say that if at this point I did come forward, the one very big thing that would be most important would be for my family to believe and support me. I wouldn't want them to treat me any differently, but it would be amazing just to know that they trusted that I was telling the truth. I think it would be devastating beyond belief if I came forward and people didn't believe me. So it sounds like you're on the right track. Just gently let her know that you support her and are there for her if she needs it. But don't change the way you interact with her.

 

[MAKmom]

Yes this happened in my DH family to a few of his cousins. Same shock. The cousins did not tell to protect their grandmother but when she passed they came forward.