Seperating twins by grade level?

[lucky978]

I am in the EXACT same situation you are in. Last year (probably at the same time of year) I posted the same question you just did on this exact board!

I have GG twins who are 7. They were born 3 months premature and were born June 1st (however their due date was only 2 days before the "cut-off" date).

They are both in the second grade now. Ever since kindergarten one has been struggling (both academically and in terms of maturity level) more than the other. The one who struggles seems to have a much harder time the first half of ever year, then as the year progresses she improves and I am talked out of holding her back. This year we are having the same problem. She got C's and one D on the most recent report card. Her twin is getting all A's and B's, but also has some "social" issues.

I would never separate them. People who do not have twins don't understand the consequences emotionally of having your twin sister move up to the next grade while you stay back. The one staying back would always be deemed the "dumb" one, no matter how much you try to avoid that. I can't imagine them being in different grades, graduating high school different years, going to college different years, etc. I just can't imagine it.

So, we have made the decision to hold both back this year. Another year of learning the core math skills, spelling skills and reading skills won't hurt the child who is doing better either. Her teacher is on board with us, and agrees that it would be best to hold her back as well, mostly because of her sister (although I hope they never figure that out).

Sorry this post has become so long. It's just funny that we are in the exact same position as you, but just a few years ahead. My advise is this...you know your kids best. If you have any doubt, hold them back now and don't wait. You won't regret it.

 

[mickeyfan2]

If you find that one is a little behind, could you put her is 1st grade and try to enhance her education at home? All the articles that I read say by 4th grade all of the slightly behind kids have caught up.

 

[MELSMICE]

i find this concept interesting. there have been so many threads with passionate posts from people so upset that their individual child might be held back or not enter a grade at the "appropriate" age-yet with the concept of twins it seems that most (that have so far posted) believe it acceptable to hold one twin back (who has no need for it) to protect the feelings of the other.

despite the most encourage consolation to a child there is always some degree of emotional "stigma" to repeating a grade-i can't imagine intentionaly putting a child through this when they are capable of advancing. perhaps if the twins had a phenominal bond that necessitated them being in the same classroom wherein it would cause the advancing twin trauma due to separation-but in the absence of that?

i am not a twin nor the parent of a twin, but i have/had friendships with twins and universaly they have always appreciated when their parents/teachers/coaches treated them as individuals-supporting their individual strengths, helping them with their individual weaknesses.

i think were it my decision i would have to look at what i would do if i had 2 children (non twins) who by virtue of birth were in the same grade (born in january/born in november)-if one were in need of repeating a grade would i mandate the other to?

As the mom of twin girls, I must agree with EVERYTHING that barkley has said. Please treat them as individuals. Just because they were in the womb together and share the same birthdate, does not mean they should do everything together.

My twins are now in 8th grade. Fortunately, we have never had an issue with having to hold one back. We did, however, have to deal with one being asked to be in advanced placement classes & the other not. It never occurred to us to not put 'twin B' into these classes. She is an individual, she is different from her sister, she needs her own challenges. 'Twin A' on the other hand, while very smart herself, would have a difficult time with such challenging classes.

I honestly & truly believe that if you present it the correct way to your children it would be OK to have one advance to the next grade & hold one back if need be.

There are times when I really believe my twins wished they were in separate grades - they would have different friends & people probably wouldn't compare them as much. In fact, for this reason we got them involved in different extra-cirricular activities.

Remember - they are individuals - they just happen to share the same birthdate. Don't lump them together as one & think that if one does it the other one should also.

 

[MELSMICE]

Think about it, if you met twins and then found out one was in a higher grade wouldn't you wonder why? It's just natural to question that and there's no shame in being held back. If your not ready then your not ready, BUT people can be hurtful especially kids even if they don't mean to and I would hate for it to affect her confidence later on.

In answer to that (not that it's anyone's business) but I would tell someone, "My daughters are individuals, we treat them as such. They each now have their own friends & their own interests now that they are in separate grades in school". End of story.

I would never separate them. People who do not have twins don't understand the consequences emotionally of having your twin sister move up to the next grade while you stay back. The one staying back would always be deemed the "dumb" one, no matter how much you try to avoid that. I can't imagine them being in different grades, graduating high school different years, going to college different years, etc. I just can't imagine it.

I, respectfully, disagree with you. As my DD's got older & I would go to school, you wouldn't believe how many people didn't even know they were twins. In fact, to this day, some people don't realize they're twins. They really want to recognized as individuals more than they do twins.

 

[kpm76]

Aww, so sorry you might have to face this. I don't have children yet but will share an experience with you. I went to Catholic school and there were two classrooms for each grade. There were twin girls in my grade and from day one they were each in seperate classrooms. Same grade, but they split them so they would never be in the same class. One of them always excelled academically and the other struggled so I think having them in different classrooms was beneficial. If DH and I have twins (which is a possibility because they run in his family) I think we'd consider different classrooms for them to avoid competition and comparision. Catholic schools in our area still have two classrooms/grade so this is an option. Not sure if that is an option for you but might be something to consider. They are only in K so hopefully it would not be too big a deal to seperate them. You might find that they thrive on their own....good luck

 

[rigs32]

So, we have made the decision to hold both back this year. Another year of learning the core math skills, spelling skills and reading skills won't hurt the child who is doing better either. Her teacher is on board with us, and agrees that it would be best to hold her back as well, mostly because of her sister (although I hope they never figure that out).

If Daughter 1 is already getting As, aren't you worried about her being bored in school? I was bored all though grade, middle, and most of high school. It hurt me in the long run because I didn't know how to study when I hit college. I would recommend talking to a teacher or someone who knows both girls before you penalize the one who is stronger academically for fear of hurting the other's feelings.

 

[barkley]

As the mom of twin girls, I must agree with EVERYTHING that barkley has said. Please treat them as individuals. Just because they were in the womb together and share the same birthdate, does not mean they should do everything together.

My twins are now in 8th grade. Fortunately, we have never had an issue with having to hold one back. We did, however, have to deal with one being asked to be in advanced placement classes & the other not. It never occurred to us to not put 'twin B' into these classes. She is an individual, she is different from her sister, she needs her own challenges. 'Twin A' on the other hand, while very smart herself, would have a difficult time with such challenging classes.

I honestly & truly believe that if you present it the correct way to your children it would be OK to have one advance to the next grade & hold one back if need be.

There are times when I really believe my twins wished they were in separate grades - they would have different friends & people probably wouldn't compare them as much. In fact, for this reason we got them involved in different extra-cirricular activities.

Remember - they are individuals - they just happen to share the same birthdate. Don't lump them together as one & think that if one does it the other one should also.

this causes me to recall 3 sets of identical twins (identical to the point that long time friends could still be confused) i either attended school with or knew during jr/sr high and college. all 3 were given the option when high school was approaching (in our area high was 10-12th) of attending the same or different highschools. one set (female) opted not too-citing they felt it was an advantage being twins in the activities they prefered (cheerleading, drill team and the like), one set (male) saw no need and opted not to because they have very different interests and never experienced any comparing at least in their extracurriculars. one set (male) opted for this choice because they both were VERY into the same activities (sports, theatre and choir) and had felt disadvantaged by their twin status over the years (felt like sometimes both were rejected for a sport by a coach concerned that if he excluded one he should exclude both, neither selected for a play because the director could not deal with choosing one over the other). they went on to have what they expressed as "the most freeing" school experiences of their lives (and they loved the opportunity in sports to compete on opposing teams, and they very good naturedly took to ribbing about trading one for the other for certain events in track and field ). interestingly-they opted at college to attend the same university, they said they probably would not have had they not had an opportunity to experience some "alone time".

so i guess what i'm trying to say is-perhaps for parents in this situation, there might be the option of one twin attending one school-another in another. it would'nt make a grade difference such a noticable issue.

 

[lucky978]

If Daughter 1 is already getting As, aren't you worried about her being bored in school? I was bored all though grade, middle, and most of high school. It hurt me in the long run because I didn't know how to study when I hit college. I would recommend talking to a teacher or someone who knows both girls before you penalize the one who is stronger academically for fear of hurting the other's feelings.

Hi rigs32! Thanks for posting about my situation.

The DD who is getting A's and B's academically is having some social issues where she is not as mature as the other kids in her class. I see it in school, dancing school, gymnastics, and when she plays with her friends in her grade. She is definately immature for her age. That is why I don't think it would hurt her to repeat 2nd grade either.

Plus I'm being told that the transition between 2nd grade and 3rd grade is a big adjustment for most kids anyways (at least where we live). I just don't see her as being ready for that big of an adjustment.

 

[lucky978]

In answer to that (not that it's anyone's business) but I would tell someone, "My daughters are individuals, we treat them as such. They each now have their own friends & their own interests now that they are in separate grades in school". End of story.

I, respectfully, disagree with you. As my DD's got older & I would go to school, you wouldn't believe how many people didn't even know they were twins. In fact, to this day, some people don't realize they're twins. They really want to recognized as individuals more than they do twins.

My twins are identical so not realizing they are twins is never the case with us. My girls were born 13 weeks premature and as I stated earlier, if they had been born on their due dates, they would most likely only be in 1st grade now.

I do understand they are individuals and we do encourage them to have their own friends and activities. But for us, separating them in school is just not an option.