Sad news need Advice

[Katy Belle]

Go to the funeral if there is one. Do something...take a meal, send flowers to the funeral, send a card, donate money to a memorial...it matters.

I have a dear friend that lost a son at age 18 months. I didn't know her then. But our sons were in 5th grade together when one of their classmates was in a car accident and died. She made me go to the funeral/visitation. She said, "It matters." I was very uncomfortable going ,because I didn't know the mother and they were a Muslim family and they spoke mostly Arabic and there were many other 'excuses' I had for not wanting to go. But to hear my friend say, "It matters," I went with her. After I went I did feel like it must have meant a lot to the family. The people grieving know it isn't easy for the people visitng. They will know you care if you do something.

 

[marlynnp]

<snip>


For what it is worth, the Hidden Mickey for Haiti fund raiser is 3/4 of the way toward reaching the goal. No one has made any pledge thus far for the "naming rights," if you will. Take a look at the thread if this is something that might interest you.

It says a lot about your character that you have sought advice like this!

It says a lot about your character that you have to do your self-promotion on this thread. And I've seen your 'hidden Mickey' - no one wants to name it because it's a far stretch of the imagination for it to be called a 'hidden Mickey' in the first place.

 

[marlynnp]

Go to the funeral if there is one. Do something...take a meal, send flowers to the funeral, send a card, donate money to a memorial...it matters.

I have a dear friend that lost a son at age 18 months. I didn't know her then. But our sons were in 5th grade together when one of their classmates was in a car accident and died. She made me go to the funeral/visitation. She said, "It matters." I was very uncomfortable going ,because I didn't know the mother and they were a Muslim family and they spoke mostly Arabic and there were many other 'excuses' I had for not wanting to go. But to hear my friend say, "It matters," I went with her. After I went I did feel like it must have meant a lot to the family. The people grieving know it isn't easy for the people visitng. They will know you care if you do something.

This is perfect advice!

 

[dicar123]

I lost my son 3 years ago. He was a teenager.

Honestly, you expect friends and family to support you at a time like that. Strangers and people I barely knew touched me the most. That people would take the time out of their lives to send a note or bring by a dish...well, it still makes me tear up a bit.

As for offering to babysit or have their kid come and play at your house, you may want to tread lightly. After losing a child, I wanted my son within my sights. It was VERY difficult for me to allow my remaining child to be away somewhere. So, if the answer is no, please don't be offended.

I, too, have friends and family members who mark my son's birthday and the anniversary of his death. I'd prefer they didn't. I assume we all remember, I don't need to discuss it. I do know they are trying to be supportive and caring of me and I try to accept it in that spirit.

One last thing...it's ok that you don't know what to say. A simple, "I'm so sorry" works just fine. They don't really know what to say to you either. It IS terribly uncomfortable to have these conversations (well, it was for me, anyway) but that you made the effort to be kind will be long remembered and appreciated.

 

[N.Bailey]

Before I ever lost someone that totally changed my life (my mother), I really didn't know how to respond when those around me lost loved ones. I kind of shied away because I just didn't know what to say, how to say it, or if they'd even want to hear what I had to say at all. Upon my mother's death, the outpouring of support truly gave me the strength to at least get from day to day.

I don't know what you should do, but I do believe you should find your own way of reaching out. It absolutely gives one strength to make it thru difficult times. Of this, I am 100% certain.

When I was growing up, my best friend's brother was killed in an automobile accident. I was super close to him too. We had a circle of about 10 kids and we were all inseparable during our teenage years. I grew up in the Philly area, but we would go on to move to the central PA area. So I didn't see my friends as often as I'd used to, but we are still close to this day. One time she thanked me for always talking about her brother whenever we see each other. She told me that no one ever brings him up because they were afraid of hurting her, but she said she LOVES talking about him. She said that she never wants to forget a minute of his life. I honestly feel the same way about him, my mother, and my stepfather (no bio, but truly my father).

 

[aprilgail2]

Please give her a call and let her know you care. If you see her let her talk. Please refrain from saying anything, most "simple" statements can sting the most. Take your cues from her, everyone grieves differently.

:

I lost a newborn 8 years ago. I agree with Robin. So many well meaning people said the wrong thing. I actually got a "you can always have more." Listen, but don't ask a lot of questions. If you feel you need to give them some space, send a card to let them know you are there. I'm so sorry.

I agree- my nephew (who was as close to me as a real son would be) died at 14 and PLEASE if you are going to say anything--THINK before you speak...I was so upset and angry at the time he passed that if one more person told me that god wanted him or god needed him for bigger things I would have punched them in the face---WE wanted him and WE needed him....we really didn't need to hear he died for some spectacular reason....he died-it sucked.
Also really no need to remind us of his birthday and date of death, we are WELL aware of what day that is, have no desire to talk on the phone to people about it. Happened many years ago but still an open wound.
We did appreciate food being sent or just cards in the mail that said how sorry they were we appreciated. The people that bought memorial benches, trees, bricks we really appreciated- there are things all over that bear his name and I can smile when I walk past or see those things.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

It is never wrong to simply say, "I am so very sorry," and nothing more.

Listening, or just allowing silence is an important thing to understand with something like this.

 

[Robinrs]

Before I ever lost someone that totally changed my life (my mother), I really didn't know how to respond when those around me lost loved ones. I kind of shied away because I just didn't know what to say, how to say it, or if they'd even want to hear what I had to say at all. Upon my mother's death, the outpouring of support truly gave me the strength to at least get from day to day.

It's the difference between SYMPATHY and EMPATHY.

Anyone can feel sorry for someone, if you empathize it's because you've been there.

After the death of my son I joined a grievance group. It was led by a doctor, a nurse, a nun and a psychologist, all wonderful professionals but not ONE had lost a child.

They allowed us to vent, which was wonderful, but when it came down to it all they could do was sympathize. When you're suffering, that's not enough.

After a few sessions, they asked me to be on THEIR team. They needed someone who really understood what these people were going thru and how to talk to them.

I did that for 19 years. NOT an easy thing, I did it on the side and it was voluntary, but the best experience I'd ever been through.

I spoke to women who couldn't speak to their mothers or their spouses. They felt alone and felt like no one understood. I did. And above all else, I was proof you can survive it.

I seeked that kind of reasssurance when I thought I was losing my mind, it was a blessing to also pass it on.

There is no pat sure shot way of handling it. The only constant is to be quiet and let the person let you know what they need. Grief takes on a life of itself and has many levels and depending on one's history and faith, can be overwhelming.

The one thing I can say is that though it was in 1986, I STILL remember the people who were there for me. They are like angels in my life. Everyone can be there for fun, but the angels fly down when you NEED them.

 

[Magic Mom]

I found out this morning that a family we know lost there baby yesterday. They believe he passed away from SIDS. One of the siblings is in my daughters class and has been to my house a few times. I don't know what to do. Should I give them some space or do I call? Make food? What? I am at such a loss. I am so devastated for this family. I know some here have dealt with the loss of a child, please let me know what you feel is the best thing to do. I have know idea where to begin. Thank you and please pray for this family.

prayers said.

 

[Magic Mom]

For what it is worth, the Hidden Mickey for Haiti fund raiser is 3/4 of the way toward reaching the goal. No one has made any pledge thus far for the "naming rights," if you will. Take a look at the thread if this is something that might interest you.

I understand you are very excited and proud about your hidden mickey thing, but I don't think this is the approprite place to hawk it.

 

[mickeyboat]

My FIL passed away a little over a week ago. We were blown away by the kindness and generosity of many many people. We really enjoyed hearing stories from people who knew FIL.

We were touched by people who did not know my FIL, but who came to the calling hours as a show of support for us like our next door neighbors. We were also touched by the people who showed compassion for my children like the teachers and school administrators who sent cards to my girls.

Although some were made, we did not expect grand gestures. A kind word, a "I'm so sorry for your loss" a "please let me know if there is anything I can do" a plate of cupcakes or a "card" had a great effect on helping us deal with the situation and on helping us heal.

OP - do what you feel comfortable doing, but know that whatever you do, it will be appreciated.

 

[Magic Mom]

My FIL passed away a little over a week ago. We were blown away by the kindness and generosity of many many people. We really enjoyed hearing stories from people who knew FIL.

We were touched by people who did not know my FIL, but who came to the calling hours as a show of support for us like our next door neighbors. We were also touched by the people who showed compassion for my children like the teachers and school administrators who sent cards to my girls.

Although some were made, we did not expect grand gestures. A kind word, a "I'm so sorry for your loss" a "please let me know if there is anything I can do" a plate of cupcakes or a "card" had a great effect on helping us deal with the situation and on helping us heal.

OP - do what you feel comfortable doing, but know that whatever you do, it will be appreciated.

Thank you for sharing that.

 

[krcit]

A few years ago, a classmate of my dd lost his little brother. I did not know the family but I sent a sincere sympathy card. The following school year I came to know the mom and we would sit in the playground and she would talk about her son and I would hold her hand and listen and cry with her. She NEEDED to talk about him and I know she liked that I didn't try to change the subject or 'cheer' her up. I just listened. It is so hard to know the right thing to do in these situations but do something...go to the wake or funeral, send a card, make a dish. Another of my childs classmates lost a baby brother a couple of years ago also. For her, I had a necklace made up with the babys birth stone on it. She seemed to really love it. When my dad died(apples and oranges I know) I realized how much it means to families that people come to the wake or send a card. I remember everyone who was there for me and I especially remember those who weren't.

To all the PP's who have lost children...I am so very sorry for your losses. I will pray for you and your precious children tonight.

 

[ash&abby'smom]

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I'm sorry for everyone who has experienced a terrible loss like this. My prayers are with you. I have sent a card with a small note and will attend the service. Our church will be providing food, but I think next week I will drop something off. Again thank you for sharing your experiences.

 

[crashbb]

A few years ago, a classmate of my dd lost his little brother. I did not know the family but I sent a sincere sympathy card. The following school year I came to know the mom and we would sit in the playground and she would talk about her son and I would hold her hand and listen and cry with her. She NEEDED to talk about him and I know she liked that I didn't try to change the subject or 'cheer' her up. I just listened. It is so hard to know the right thing to do in these situations but do something...go to the wake or funeral, send a card, make a dish. Another of my childs classmates lost a baby brother a couple of years ago also. For her, I had a necklace made up with the babys birth stone on it. She seemed to really love it. When my dad died(apples and oranges I know) I realized how much it means to families that people come to the wake or send a card. I remember everyone who was there for me and I especially remember those who weren't.

To all the PP's who have lost children...I am so very sorry for your losses. I will pray for you and your precious children tonight.

I just wanted to comment on the bolded bit.

Saying, "I lost my dog" or "My 99 year old grandfather died", so "I know exactly how you feel" is NOT a good idea. Unless of course, the person you are talking to lost their dog or 99 year old grandfather (and, even then, you don't know how they feel, since every one is different).

That really bothered me when my mum died. Especially since she was in her 40s and I was just a kid.

OP - your ideas sound good.