Sad and think I am losing a friend.. wwyd?

[Principessa1284]

I think I need some advice from someone outside of the situation.. DH and I have (had?) great friends in a couple about our age. We don't have any other couple-friends that we are both close with - we either have my friends or his friends, if that makes sense. We were SO SO close with them - they were the only ones who helped us when we moved, would frequently invite us over for cookouts and holidays, or go to the parks (we live near Disney) with them.

After 3 years of trying to conceive, they finally got pregnant in December! We are SO excited for them, and I was ecstatic to go through a pregnancy with someone close to me - she is the first one of my friends to get pregnant. She and I mused over my husband helping hers put the nursery together while we organized baby stuff, etc. In April, I realized I hadn't talked to them in weeks since they invited us to spend part of their May vacation with them at the beach. They live about an hour away, so we can't really bump into each other. We exchanged a few "we miss you's!!" and she said how tired and nauseous she'd been, and I offered any help she needed and let her get back to resting.

As the time to the vacation got closer, she hadn't contacted me at all still so I called to ask if it was still on, and to emphasize that we didn't have to go if she wanted alone time. She said the venue had changed to a different beach, and that we wouldn't really be able to stay overnight since they no longer had the suite that the other hotel had. No problem - it's about an hour away, so we agreed to just go for one of the days and spend the whole day there until after dinner. The night before we go, I called to get the name and address of the hotel to get directions, and get no answer. Finally get a hold of them the next day, and they sound exasperated that we called them again (so, SO against their personalities) and I offered to stay home to make it easier on them. They insisted that we still go, so on out way we went. When we got to their room, the wife, who normally runs up to both of us with a huge hug to greet us, barely acknowledges that we arrived, so we overlook it and change to head down to the beach. The water was a bit rough, so she and I spent a lot of time on the sand reading while the hubbies played in the waves. Every time I tried to strike up a conversation, I got a one word answer, so after a while I gave up. After a few hours we've all had enough sun, and head up to their room to get changed and I presume to head out and get dinner. We get up there, and she says how tired she is and he says how much they have to do to get settled into their room as they had just checked in that day.. it was obvious they were trying to get us to leave as politely as possible, so I said that we'd be happy to head out if they needed to get stuff done. They couldn't get us out the door fast enough.

All that - whatever, I chalked it up to her pregnancy and totally understand. I text her the next day and ask her if she's doing ok and that she didn't seem like herself. She retorted back that she hadn't been feeling well. No apologies, no glad you guys came, nothing. Again, I chalk it up to the hormones and try not to to be selfish and take it personally even though I feel so hurt. A few times since then, we've offered to come out their way and take them to dinner, but they are always "busy" (very odd for them) and decline. I take the hint and give them their space.

Fast forward to this week, and I find out she is having 2 baby showers - neither of which I am invited to. I am totally heartbroken - I love showers for brides and mommies to be and was SO excited to get her a whole bunch of baby presents. She mentioned on facebook that her friends so and so are throwing her one, and her in laws are also throwing her one. I take into account that I don't know her in laws or the friends that are throwing her shower, but when I was thrown a bridal shower, they asked me for a list of people I wanted to invite.

I'm trying SO hard not to be selfish and take this personally, but I miss my friend SO much. She is one I could call and cry on her "shoulder" about ANYTHING big or small that I was upset over. One of my friends I asked advice from said I should call and ask her if we are cool and be honest and have a heart-to-heart, but I feel like that's not a good idea. I don't want to sound like a whiny friend who's jealous of the baby because I'm absolutely not. I'm so happy for her, but I just don't know what I should do. I'm ready to totally give up and try again after the baby is born. Either way, I'm so sad that I've lost one of my best friends

I know this is long and even if no one reads it, I really needed to get all of that out of my system because DH is useless in this area. Thanks to anyone who gave me a few minutes of their time.. I am thankful for you.

 

[Mermaid02]

I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly.

 

[lovemygoofy]

How are you going to know what she is feeling if you don't ask? Maybe she interpreted something wrong from you and those feelings have lingered?

You have to talk to your friend. Neither of you are mind readers and the issue can't be resolved without communication.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

I think I would take your friend's advice and ask her if something has upset her in your relationship? I wouldn't beat around the bush and just ask the question out right. If she says nothing is wrong, I would then tell her how you feel about everything and get it off your chest. I think you need to know where you stand one way or the other. Perhaps there was a stronger relationship on your side than on theirs ?? Just trying to help and I hope it works out for you.

 

[Va-bear]

I think I would take your friend's advice and ask her if something has upset her in your relationship? I wouldn't beat around the bush and just ask the question out right. If she says nothing is wrong, I would then tell her how you feel about everything and get it off your chest. I think you need to know where you stand one way or the other. Perhaps there was a stronger relationship on your side than on theirs ?? Just trying to help and I hope it works out for you.

I agree w/this advice.

Sadly, sometimes people just 'move on' for lots of different reasons. I know it hurts - and probably not much will help....time will a bit......

I've been there - it is never fun.... Im sorry.

 

[mumom95]

One thing I have figured out as I've gotten older is that it's always just best to get it out if you have something on your mind. If you two are as close as you say you are, then just be honest with her. Either it truly has nothing to do with you or if it does, getting it out and talking about it is the only way it will get better.

Who knows. Maybe months ago when you were originally talking about the May vacation you said something that upset her (and didn't mean to) and she has been upset about it since. The only way you are going to be able to fix it is if you talk about it.

 

[MiniGirl]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I agree with the others. As hard as it may be, you need to just ask her straight up. I also wanted to add that she may just be distracted with the pregnancy and all, but truthfully, it won't get any easier after the baby is born. She'll be even more distracted and tired then.

 

[krcit]

I agree with previous posters. I would ask her if I did something to upset her. If she says no and continues to blow you off then at least you have tried to get to the bottom of it and while it hurts, you will know you did what you could. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I went through something similar and I didn't ask what was going on and just allowed the friendship to die out. I figured that she should've told me that I had done something to upset her and if she wasn't going to talk to me that was her problem. In retrospect, the whole thing could've been resolved with one conversation but instead we didn't speak for 3 years after being friends for 15 years. Happily, we worked it out and are great friends again but I learned a valuable lesson....TALK IT OUT!!!! Good luck

 

[danalee]

I would be the kind that would hate to ask outright...but that said...it will be the only way you know what is up and where you stand. Like someone else said, if you dont get to the bottom of it by asking, you will at least know ya tried.

Good Luck, I hope it works out for you

 

[disneybound2010]

Definitely have a talk with her. My BFF and I went through a similar situation. We are the only two fo all of our friends to be married and have children, our DHs are friends,we did everything together. Then,things changed. She started avoiding us, I was hearing rumors from other friends, when we talked the conversations were very clipped and to the point. I was heartbroken. After having had enough of it, I asked her straight out what the problem was and as it turned out,she had been thinking the exact same thing with me. She thought I was mad at her and had been avoiding her LOL It ended up being over something silly that we both misinterpreted and because of it we lost months of friendship and silliness. Thank goodness I forced myself to talk to her. We'd still be at odds over literally nothing.

Good luck and I do hope you get your friend back soon.

 

[Imzadi]

I agree with everyone else. This isn't about you being jealous of the baby. From what you described, her behavior toward has changed. You have a right to ask about it. And if you don't get a straight answer from her, at least, on your side, you tried to get to the bottom of it. The rest is on her.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd probably say "I'm senising that you are upset about something and here's why" and then list the things you've listed here.Then I'd say "If something I or we did insulted you and your husband I wish you'd tell us so we could make amends".

Her answer will determine your next steps.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

You need to have a heart to heart with her, pronto. Believe me, after the baby is born she won't have time or inclination. Those first few months after a new baby are like being in a cave of diapers and feedings and other people's drama just doesn't even make it on the radar.

It sounds to me like you've hurt or offended her somehow, even if unwittingly. IMO, she's being a bit cowardly by leaving you wondering what happened rather than being straightforward. So you need to take up the gauntlet and figure out what's bugging her.

I was kind of the third party in one of these situations between two of my friends once. Friend A was all baffled and hurt that B, her shoulder to cry on and bff, was suddenly cold. B was so irritated with A's constant need to cry on her shoulder, she was freezing A out. She felt that A was overstepping her boundaries, and in stead of just laying her cards on the table, she responded by cooling off on the friendship. It took a really frank, painful conversation to start to mend things. But mend they did, and 10 years later they are still very close friends.

Good luck. Take the initiative to break the passive aggressive cycle.

 

[ksjayhawks]

You may not have said anything that has hurt or offended her either. It may just be that she is moving on with her life now that they are going to have the baby and her group of friends is changing. You are not on her daily--weekly--whatever radar for some reason. She may be developing friendships with others--couples included--that live close to them and are in similar situations to them--pregnant, small children, etc.

It is sad when it happens, but people's lives change and with that, so do the people that they associate with. You were great friends prepregnancy when they had time to travel and do stuff and now their lives are changing and your friendship is changing. I think they tried to subtly hint that the friendship was dying by the way they did not contact you about the vacation, said the venue changed and you could not stay, tried to usher you out the door quickly when you did come, when she did not talk much to you, and you and your dh just did not get the hints. Friendships end, sometimes not always on a mutual agreement. This sounds like one of them.

If you want to, call her up and ask her. You may get a straight answer and you may not. Depends on if she is able to just give you the truth or if she hopes the friendship will just die a slow death as in out of sight, out of mind.

Sorry this is happening to you.

 

[quasar4legs]

Sorry things are so difficult with your friend.
I agree with the others that unless you talk to her you have no chance to try and sort it out and this couple will drift out of you lives.

I hope it can be resolved because it sounds like she has been a special person in your life

 

[Kara]

I'm sorry you are going through this and I totally understand your feelings...I agree with those above..give her a call and just ask...never assume...Always better to ask and talk about it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'd probably say "I'm senising that you are upset about something and here's why" and then list the things you've listed here.Then I'd say "If something I or we did insulted you and your husband I wish you'd tell us so we could make amends".

Her answer will determine your next steps.

This

We were SO SO close with them - they were the only ones who helped us when we moved, would frequently invite us over for cookouts and holidays, or go to the parks (we live near Disney) with them.
. In April, I realized I hadn't talked to them in weeks since they invited us to spend part of their May vacation with them at the beach.

As the time to the vacation got closer, she hadn't contacted me at all still so I called to ask if it was still on, and to emphasize that we didn't have to go if she wanted alone time.

I left in the quote just a few things which jumped out at me. PLEASE know that I realize you may have well not typed out everything from both sides of the friendship and I am NOT criticizing you even if this is accurate--I am just trying to help shed light on a possible reason for the rift From reading the things above, it sounds like your friends do pretty much all of the inviting and all of the hosting and all of the helping. Have you had a chance to reciprocate? Do you invite them to BBQs at your house, help with projects that are big like a move? Invite them to spend days with you on your vacation or at whatever attraction is near your house? It also sounds like you were not calling to just see how she was doing with her pregnancy and chat, etc. Rather, you let a month or more go by without contacting your "Close" friend who is pregnant and then called to see if you were still invited to be a part of their vacation. Perhaps from your friends' side of things they are feeling a little bit used and like you are not putting forth effort to be friends when you do not have something to gain Maybe you need to make more of an effort to call and chat "just because" or to invite them places, etc. If she is feeling sick often ask her what foods she feels like she can eat and offer to make 2-3 easy to freeze and reheat meals to bring by (and offer to go to lunch just the girls when you do) for her--since cooking is hard when your tummy is doing back flips.
I would still ask her directly what is going on, but if any of the above is ringing true for you you might actually bring that up that when you stopped to think about the situation you thought maybe that was part of the problem and that now that it has occurred to you you want to make sure you are more equitable regardless (it gives her a nice opening if she is someone who steers away from any confrontation or open criticism at all).
Best of luck--I hope your friendship gets back on track soon.

 

[Planogirl]

I agree, you should talk to her. I know it's hard but if you don't, you'll always wonder.

Something similar happened to me. Someone I was friends with who was the godmother for our son asked me when I planned to start DS on church classes. As we'd always agreed, DH was to do that since he was of that faith. He had decided not to for reasons of his own so we went in a different direction. She cooled towards me after that even going so far as to go on a tirade once about how much she disliked women and that she had no female friends. I decided enough was enough and quit visiting. In retrospect, I should have talked to her to make sure that I wasn't misinterpreting things.

So talk to her! The worst that will happen is that things will stay as they are.

 

[LisaInNc]

I would talk to her directly without blaming her.

Pregnancy can be difficult and hormones can make you nutty.

As far as the showers, she might not have control over who was invited.

Lastly this is the hardest part. Sometimes people are friends for one period in your life. They come and go, doesn't mean the friendship was ever less. This might be one of those times.

Lisa

 

[Luvchefmic]

This


I left in the quote just a few things which jumped out at me. PLEASE know that I realize you may have well not typed out everything from both sides of the friendship and I am NOT criticizing you even if this is accurate--I am just trying to help shed light on a possible reason for the rift From reading the things above, it sounds like your friends do pretty much all of the inviting and all of the hosting and all of the helping. Have you had a chance to reciprocate? Do you invite them to BBQs at your house, help with projects that are big like a move? Invite them to spend days with you on your vacation or at whatever attraction is near your house? It also sounds like you were not calling to just see how she was doing with her pregnancy and chat, etc. Rather, you let a month or more go by without contacting your "Close" friend who is pregnant and then called to see if you were still invited to be a part of their vacation. Perhaps from your friends' side of things they are feeling a little bit used and like you are not putting forth effort to be friends when you do not have something to gain Maybe you need to make more of an effort to call and chat "just because" or to invite them places, etc. If she is feeling sick often ask her what foods she feels like she can eat and offer to make 2-3 easy to freeze and reheat meals to bring by (and offer to go to lunch just the girls when you do) for her--since cooking is hard when your tummy is doing back flips.
I would still ask her directly what is going on, but if any of the above is ringing true for you you might actually bring that up that when you stopped to think about the situation you thought maybe that was part of the problem and that now that it has occurred to you you want to make sure you are more equitable regardless (it gives her a nice opening if she is someone who steers away from any confrontation or open criticism at all).
Best of luck--I hope your friendship gets back on track soon.

I was thinking the same thing but may I add PLEASE talk not text not email TALK the good old fashioned way preferably face to face but telephone would work..I wouldn't even use a cell phone for this..If either one of you "loses" the call or the call gets "dropped" the other will assume they got hung up on and so goes the friendship...I hope it works out for all of you