RUMSFELD PROPOSES ITTY-BITTY NUCLEAR WEAPONS FOR EVERDAY HOUSEHOLD USE
Nukes to Replace Trash Compacters, Weed Whackers
Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld today revealed that the Pentagon is developing a new generation of itty-bitty nuclear weapons that may eventually replace common household appliances in the average American home.
The super-duper-low-yield weapons produce tiny nuclear explosions that can do the work of electric can openers, trash compacters and even weed whackers, the Defense Secretary said on NBCs Meet the Press.
Nuclear weapons have been demonized for so long, a lot of us have forgotten just how handy they can be, Mr. Rumsfeld said. Jiminy Cricket, I think thats a crying shame.
The mini-nukes produce a mushroom cloud no greater than six inches high, Mr. Rumsfeld added, and any trace amounts of nuclear fallout left behind can be easily wiped away with a household sponge.
Mr. Rumsfeld said that the pint-sized nuclear weapons could eventually be used to unclog stubborn kitchen sinks and blast garden pests such as gophers and chipmunks out of their fortified underground lairs.
Later in the broadcast, Mr. Rumsfeld clarified remarks he made late last week in which he said the U.S. was considering opening a can of whup-*** on North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il.
The Chinese, who have been trying to defuse the U.S.-North Korean nuclear crisis, had earlier characterized Mr. Rumsfelds can of whup-*** remarks as unhelpful.
Heavens to Betsy, at this stage of the game I wouldnt want to take any options off the table, Mr. Rumsfeld said. And that would include opening a can of whup-*** on that little jerk.
**** BOROWITZ REPORTS ****
Nukes to Replace Trash Compacters, Weed Whackers
Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld today revealed that the Pentagon is developing a new generation of itty-bitty nuclear weapons that may eventually replace common household appliances in the average American home.
The super-duper-low-yield weapons produce tiny nuclear explosions that can do the work of electric can openers, trash compacters and even weed whackers, the Defense Secretary said on NBCs Meet the Press.
Nuclear weapons have been demonized for so long, a lot of us have forgotten just how handy they can be, Mr. Rumsfeld said. Jiminy Cricket, I think thats a crying shame.
The mini-nukes produce a mushroom cloud no greater than six inches high, Mr. Rumsfeld added, and any trace amounts of nuclear fallout left behind can be easily wiped away with a household sponge.
Mr. Rumsfeld said that the pint-sized nuclear weapons could eventually be used to unclog stubborn kitchen sinks and blast garden pests such as gophers and chipmunks out of their fortified underground lairs.
Later in the broadcast, Mr. Rumsfeld clarified remarks he made late last week in which he said the U.S. was considering opening a can of whup-*** on North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il.
The Chinese, who have been trying to defuse the U.S.-North Korean nuclear crisis, had earlier characterized Mr. Rumsfelds can of whup-*** remarks as unhelpful.
Heavens to Betsy, at this stage of the game I wouldnt want to take any options off the table, Mr. Rumsfeld said. And that would include opening a can of whup-*** on that little jerk.
**** BOROWITZ REPORTS ****
