Relative wants me to take her kids for several months

[kpgclark]

I can't believe she's 22 with 4 kids! She had to be 13 or 14 when she had her first. I'll be you she's just looking for a babysitter. Gee, what can I do so that I won't have to take care of my children? Gee, the military would be the only place that I would NOT BE allowed to have my kids! Honestly, I wouldn't do it. I'd tell her to get her act together and get a job and take care of her children! She needs a serious wake up call (or Dr. Phil!) You have to think of what's best for the children here. Is it not having a mommy for 4 months (and probably longer)? I don't think so. How could anyone abandon their children for that long? If you love those kids and feel she's a bad mother, then I'd say the only way I'd do it would be to demand PERMANENT custody. She needs to have her tubes tied and not be allowed to reproduce.

 

[Sandy V.]

The above posters have given you so much good advice that I won't repeat it. But I do want to emphasize that no matter what you do, YOUR immediate family really needs to agree to this before you jump in and expand your family. You sound like you have a good heart and really want to make sure these children have a decent home to live in, and that's commendable. But if your husband and son aren't fully behind you on this, it could create a lot of stress in your own family (even more than the addition of 4 more kids). Please don't jump into anything. Consult a good family law attorney, military recruiter, etc., to cover the situation from all angles first.

Good luck in this decision - sounds like a difficult one.

 

[chager]

Ok I just found out some more info from her. Apparently she is now married, BUT the new hubby was arrested this past weekend and is now in KY facing some kind of charges that could land him in prison for 15 years SO when she originally spoke with the recruiters there was not a childcare issue. I also found out she has NOT signed any papers yet. In fact she just agreed to take care of a friends children soo they wouldn't go into the system!! This puts her with 6 kids 8 and younger and 2 teens. Go figure! She did talk to her mom (the lady is one of the more selfish people in this world) and her mom said "that's great but I am too busy to help you. " (She wont even take them on overnites) Dad (my uncle) is well....he is. Can't say much for him. He took off for 6 weeks when the my cousins were small and my parents cared for them. (Not their mom...again too busy)

kpgclark - she was 14 when she got pregnant and a runaway. She says she had her tubes tied. We talked about having children tonight and her comment was "It's not as fun as I thought it would be" Hmm.. Dr. Phil would have a hayday with her


RickinNYC - No flaming from me. My fear is the military thing isn't for real and she will disappear.

She says she just wants a chance to improve her and the children's lives and she is tired of living like "white trash". I told her that maybe we should look at some other options. Like grants for school and we could work out the childcare issues. This young lady is a habitual liar so I know have to be very careful. I also found out that although she told me she already had her GED that in fact she doesn't. She let it slip that the recruiter told her she had to get it first. I do appreciate all the advice and support from everyone. Thankyou! We are really trying to make a decision not based on the heart. (Otherwise we would already have them here )

I am so glad to have my friends at DIS to ask for advice

 

[Antonia]

I do feel for you. You do sound like a person with a caring heart. I hope that you tread very cautiously. I, too, am the mother of an only child - a boy who is now 19. When he was younger, my DH and I thought of adopting or fostering because we only had one child. We never did and I am glad that we didn't because, truthfully, we as a family of three were very happy and we still are. I think that when you have only one child you feel like you have the capacity to help others - because hey, you only have one. One is a wonderful number - especially if he is already nine. My advice to you would be to assist this young mother to better herself, but not at the expense of your own son and DH. The years ahead with your own son are important ones - as the mother of a 19 year old I can honestly say that the years you are facing with him are more important than his early childhood years. Taking on 4 other children would severely limit your time with your own son and probably you have already developed a close relationship with him. Consider your own son's needs first. You won't regret it.

 

[CarolA]

Well, what happens to the other four if you take these?

I feel for you, this is a mess. However, it is not your mess! While I think you should do what you can I am not sure the miltary is going to raise this child out of trailer trash. I don't know what privates make, but I doubt it is a LOT and with somewhere between 4 and 8 kids......

I have a friend who managed to use the federal grant programs and welfare to put herself thru college as a single mom. It was not easy, but she was motiviated.

My suggestion would be that you tell your cousin to call you back when she actually has the GED (which she probably needs for the military). That could be a while!

By the way, do you think she could survive boot camp? Is she in reasonably good shape?

 

[crazyforgoofy]

is probably one of the hardest things you can do. It's fraught with possible complications and family issues. You have to make difficult decisions about so many things. Its so much work and you don't get many words of appreciation.

In my case its also one of the most rewarding and fulfilling things I've ever done.

Good luck in making the right decision for you, your husband, your son and those 4 little kids.

Mary Alice aka crazyforgoofy

 

[mom2boys]

Please please, really think long & hard about the impact on your son. Is he involved in activities? Will he be able to continue these activities? Are you willing/able to engage the other kids in similar activities? Is it logistically feasible? What about school & homework - for all of the school aged kids? Are your cousins' children good students?

We kept a friends foster child for one weekend. At the time, she was 4 my boys were 3 & 2. She & my oldest had a tough time. My oldest was used to being the "big kid". The foster child couldn't understand why she had to walk at Walmart so my 2 yr old cold ride in the cart. She happened to be biracial. I have never gotten such hateful looks from people in my life - it was disgusting. She was a good kid, very loving, not a discipline problem. Just threw the whole family "off".

I don't mean to sound negative. I just want to make sure your whole family is going to come out of this ok. Your immediate family comes first.

 

[momof3disneyholics]

Originally posted by HappyMommy2

I would imagine you would have to sign some things stating that you'd take custody of the kids before your cousin could actually enter the service.

That is called a family care plan and every member of the military has have one if they have children.

 

[DizMare]

Just a thought - has she looked into placing her kids in the Milton Hershey School?

From their website:
What is Milton Hershey School?
Founded in 1909 by chocolate industrialist Milton S. Hershey and his wife Catherine, Milton Hershey School (MHS) is a home and school located in Hershey, PA. MHS serves children in financial and social need by providing them education, housing, food, medical and psychological health care, recreation opportunities, and clothing with no financial obligation to the family.


I worked with a woman some years ago in a similar situation - four kids, multiple fathers, divorced, near poverty. She sent the youngest three to live at this school. Don't know if I could have done it, but realistically it was the best thing for her to do at the time. Maybe worth considering?

Good luck to you and your family.