Relationship trends you dislike

[Wiltony]

I have no idea if this is a trend but the last 2 relationships my dd has been in they have decided not to "put a label on it"
Really, it is OK to say it's just a fling, not serious, it's just physical or it's just companionship, or whatever else. What does labeling it do to change the actual relationship? It is clearly something and if you are happy with how it is then who cares if it's defined as something.
Idk maybe I'm just a million years old and don't get it

My guess is that they each may have a slightly (or vastly) different idea of what "this is" and if they put a label on it, they'll have to come to terms and deal with those differences. If they just continue about in ignorance, that kind of messiness can be avoided. For instance, if one thinks it's just a fling, while the other thinks it's serious, then that discrepancy will come to light when they try to, as I call it, "DTR" (define the relationship), and in doing so, may not be able to reconcile and it will end unfavorably to both parties. Definitely an "ignorance is bliss" kind of situation.

My husband just texted me from his room ( one room over from mine) that he was going to bed lol

This is intruiging to me. Do you and your husband not share a bedroom? I've heard of this, but found it pretty unusual and am interested in why you went in that direction.

 

[Sinder]

My guess is that they each may have a slightly (or vastly) different idea of what "this is" and if they put a label on it, they'll have to come to terms and deal with those differences. If they just continue about in ignorance, that kind of messiness can be avoided. For instance, if one thinks it's just a fling, while the other thinks it's serious, then that discrepancy will come to light when they try to, as I call it, "DTR" (define the relationship), and in doing so, may not be able to reconcile and it will end unfavorably to both parties. Definitely an "ignorance is bliss" kind of situation.

I’d agree but I’ve seen what happens when one feels on way and the other a different way. IMO its better to get it all out in the open at the start of the relationship otherwise you are just as likely to have a discrepancy in how both parties feel as time passes.
I personally think it’s a way of pretending not to care if things don’t work out, when the reality is
you do care.

 

[Wiltony]

I’d agree but I’ve seen what happens when one feels on way and the other a different way. IMO its better to get it all out in the open at the start of the relationship otherwise you are just as likely to have a discrepancy in how both parties feel as time passes.
I personally think it’s a way of pretending not to care if things don’t work out, when the reality is
you do care.

Yeah I'm not defending it or saying it's healthy or anything, just pointing out a reason why some may not do it.

 

[prairie_girl]

My guess is that they each may have a slightly (or vastly) different idea of what "this is" and if they put a label on it, they'll have to come to terms and deal with those differences. If they just continue about in ignorance, that kind of messiness can be avoided. For instance, if one thinks it's just a fling, while the other thinks it's serious, then that discrepancy will come to light when they try to, as I call it, "DTR" (define the relationship), and in doing so, may not be able to reconcile and it will end unfavorably to both parties. Definitely an "ignorance is bliss" kind of situation.


This is intruiging to me. Do you and your husband not share a bedroom? I've heard of this, but found it pretty unusual and am interested in why you went in that direction.

You are correct, we don’t share a bedroom. He twitches in his sleep and generally moves around a lot. He’s also very tall so it’s hard for him to find just the right position. I have chronic insomnia so we keep very different hours. Im also a light sleeper so every time he twitched, he was waking me up. Separate rooms works best for us. As to the thing I haven’t mentioned…we find ways to make it work

 

[tvguy]

It sounds like you didn't want to spend time apart and thats cool. I think what op was refering to tho was couples who one partner won't let the other go somewhere on their own. Thats controlling and weird. If neither person has the desire to do something on their own thats fine.
I love my kids and I love DH, but I also love getting a day or 2 here and there to recharge and just be me. When the kids were babies/toddlers that was different.

I do wonder if our work hours also played in a factor too in our desire to spend time together. For over 25 years she worked days and slept and nights and I worked graveyard and slept during the day. So we had limited time together during the week, just weekends.
Now, there was a three year period before we had kids where she came onto the graveyard shift, and I was actually her supervisor. Owner of the company approved it as an experiment because they had so much trouble finding people willing to work graveyard shift. In those three years, I think the longest were were apart was a few hours while we did Christmas shopping for each other.
And almost seven months into retirement, we enjoy working in the yard together, taking our 1965 Mustang out for a ride, and just watching stuff we DVR that we never had time to do when we were working. Watched an installment of "Grant" last night. And every Saturday morning, we listen to the classic reruns of Casey Kasem's American Top 40 on Sirrus XM.

 

[NAB]

LOL, so true! Although also is a huge red flag for a controlling partner. Either way, it's weird.

Husband and I do , it started out me wanting one but to scared to open one but wanted to play the games and talk to family. Husband never used it and everyone know it was me…

Fast forward …husband retired uses it more so now people have no idea who is talking…lol

 

[tvguy]

And second marriage after divorce. I can say that no woman will every rule me and tell me what I can and can not do with the labor I do leaving my home for 10 hours a day again.

Everyone I know who has separate bank accounts are in their 2nd marriage. Some have a joint for bills that they both deposit into and some split bills up.

The whole second marriage issue did come up years ago when we did our wills and estate planning. One of the questions in the informational packet the lawyer gave us went into provisions if one of us dies before the other. Do you want your spouse to inherit everything, or do you want a provision that freezes part of your community property so that it goes to your kids for example if the surviving spouse remarries.
My wife and I have the same attitude on remarriage. "One and done". So their are no restrictions on the estate because remarriage is something we don't expect to happen.

 

[dez1978]

I do wonder if our work hours also played in a factor too in our desire to spend time together. For over 25 years she worked days and slept and nights and I worked graveyard and slept during the day. So we had limited time together during the week, just weekends.
Now, there was a three year period before we had kids where she came onto the graveyard shift, and I was actually her supervisor. Owner of the company approved it as an experiment because they had so much trouble finding people willing to work graveyard shift. In those three years, I think the longest were were apart was a few hours while we did Christmas shopping for each other.
And almost seven months into retirement, we enjoy working in the yard together, taking our 1965 Mustang out for a ride, and just watching stuff we DVR that we never had time to do when we were working. Watched an installment of "Grant" last night. And every Saturday morning, we listen to the classic reruns of Casey Kasem's American Top 40 on Sirrus XM.

Pretty sure I'd be in jail if DH and I worked like that

Kidding. Mostly. The 1st 2 years we were together we worked together. so were together 24/7. The last 15 years, hes worked out of town and has been gone a few days a week and sometimes several weeks at a time. Heck, when I was pregnant w/my 1st I think I only say him 4 weeks total of my whole pregnancy. By the time #2 came along, he'd figured out how to be home usually Fri-Sun and leave monday. During those years, there was no way in heck I would have let him go have "fun time" bc I was barely surviving working full time and taking care of 2 little ones alone all week. Now he's only gone about 3 days a week and thats about perfect. The kids are 7 and 10 now so sort of easier to deal with and I have no problem if he wants to go to vegas for a weekend or something. And vice versa. I probably get more non work away time than he does, but I think i deserve it lol

 

[tvguy]

Pretty sure I'd be in jail if DH and I worked like that

Kidding. Mostly. The 1st 2 years we were together we worked together. so were together 24/7. The last 15 years, hes worked out of town and has been gone a few days a week and sometimes several weeks at a time. Heck, when I was pregnant w/my 1st I think I only say him 4 weeks total of my whole pregnancy. By the time #2 came along, he'd figured out how to be home usually Fri-Sun and leave monday. During those years, there was no way in heck I would have let him go have "fun time" bc I was barely surviving working full time and taking care of 2 little ones alone all week. Now he's only gone about 3 days a week and thats about perfect. The kids are 7 and 10 now so sort of easier to deal with and I have no problem if he wants to go to vegas for a weekend or something. And vice versa. I probably get more non work away time than he does, but I think i deserve it lol

It was a challenge after our first child was born. All of a sudden we saw each other for like 3-4 four hours a day instead of 24 hours, PLUS as a parent you know how demanding a baby can be. I got more than one phone call at work at 2 am from my wife saying "tell your son to go to sleep". "Sure dear, but the 6 month old on the phone!" That was a rough year or so.
We did drive our neighbors nuts when we both were working graveyard shift. They'd be scurrying to get their kids ready for school and themselves for work at 7:30 am on a 30 degree day, and all they saw was steam from our hot tub wafting over the fence, and us in the hot tub having a glass of wine before bed!

 

[fly girl]

It sounds like you didn't want to spend time apart and thats cool. I think what op was refering to tho was couples who one partner won't let the other go somewhere on their own. Thats controlling and weird. If neither person has the desire to do something on their own thats fine.
I love my kids and I love DH, but I also love getting a day or 2 here and there to recharge and just be me. When the kids were babies/toddlers that was different.

Yes, thank you for clarifying what I meant.

I don’t like it if one spouse wishes to go but won’t or can’t because of the other partner won’t allow it.

One of my friends went on a girls trip (different set of friends, I don’t know) and one of the ladies had to practically beg to go. She went, but had to call and tell her husband what they were doing at all times. I get checking in, but that’s excessive. Obviously there’s a trust issue at play, but who knows if it is truly warranted. And I couldn’t be happily married to someone I don’t trust or who doesn’t trust me.

 

[fly girl]

You are correct, we don’t share a bedroom. He twitches in his sleep and generally moves around a lot. He’s also very tall so it’s hard for him to find just the right position. I have chronic insomnia so we keep very different hours. Im also a light sleeper so every time he twitched, he was waking me up. Separate rooms works best for us. As to the thing I haven’t mentioned…we find ways to make it work

This is becoming increasingly more common. I don’t like the term, “sleep divorce” but I think overall for some couples it is a very positive thing. Good sleep is imperative!

I’ll admit, I sleep so much better alone. Dh‘s job takes him on the road and I enjoy the bed to myself. I’m not to a “sleep divorce” yet, but when he retires I could definitely see myself considering it.

 

[tcufrog]

I would love to have separate bedrooms. I don't sleep well when my DH is out of town but I sleep better alone. I also couldn't spend every waking moment with my DH. I'm dreading it when he retires because he kept bugging me while I was trying to get stuff done during the lockdown. I ended up buying a boat building kit for Father's Day so I could get some peace. We only have room in our garage for one boat. His car is parked in the driveway so he can put the boat in the garage.

 

[Sinder]

I can’t wait til my kids move out so I can have my own bedroom. I am a very light sleeper and dh snores. I move around alot and sometimes that keeps him up. We rarely go to sleep at the same time anyway so it’s not like we’d even miss eachother’s company. We’ll meet back up for coffee in the morning

 

[prairie_girl]

This is becoming increasingly more common. I don’t like the term, “sleep divorce” but I think overall for some couples it is a very positive thing. Good sleep is imperative!

I’ll admit, I sleep so much better alone. Dh‘s job takes him on the road and I enjoy the bed to myself. I’m not to a “sleep divorce” yet, but when he retires I could definitely see myself considering it.

I’ve never heard the term sleep divorce, but I don’t like it.


I would love to have separate bedrooms. I don't sleep well when my DH is out of town but I sleep better alone. I also couldn't spend every waking moment with my DH. I'm dreading it when he retires because he kept bugging me while I was trying to get stuff done during the lockdown. I ended up buying a boat building kit for Father's Day so I could get some peace. We only have room in our garage for one boat. His car is parked in the driveway so he can put the boat in the garage.

Unfortunately, there is a huge stigma against sleeping solo. I’m sure even some on this thread assume my husband and I are heading to divorce because of it. I say we aren’t because of it lol

We moved from a house to an apartment a few years ago and the non negotiables were two bedrooms and two bathrooms.

 

[fly girl]

Unfortunately, there is a huge stigma against sleeping solo. I’m sure even some on this thread assume my husband and I are heading to divorce because of it. I say we aren’t because of it lol

We moved from a house to an apartment a few years ago and the non negotiables were two bedrooms and two bathrooms.

There is and it is ignorance. You can share time together before you go to sleep and when you wake up. Seriously, you are not interacting when you are sleeping. How actual physical sleep became intertwined with intimacy is not fair (imho), but it did.

If you sleep better with your partner in the same bed, that is wonderful. But there should be zero shame for those who can't because it isn't conducive to restful night.