{Relationship Rant} I don't know what to do about this...

[delikado]

I don't mean to bring everyone down on a Friday, but I really need some advice...

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and three months, and the relationship as a whole is going great. We occasionally have arguments and disagreements, but nothing out of the ordinary. However, there seems to be one particular issue that always keeps coming up, and it's starting to frustrate me: (I'll try to keep this as short as possible!)

Before I met my current bf, I was in a "relationship" with another guy. It was one of those situations where we were good friends, and we started having feelings for each other, but he had commitment issues, yada yada yada. This dragged on for a long time (several years, in fact), and it came to the point where I just couldn't handle any more emotional stress, so I decided that we were just going to remain friends. This turned out to be the best decision I had ever made, and now we're the best of friends.

My bf is aware of my past with my friend, and naturally he felt a bit awkward at first, but he eventually got over it after I repeatedly assured him that that chapter of my life is permanently closed. But lately, he's been acting more possessive of me (nothing violent, or anything), and he tells me that he's still not 100% okay with me spending time with my friend. What should I do? I don't want to have to choose between my bf and my friend, though I know my bf would never be that unreasonable. Still, I want to reassure him that the past is just the past, but nothing I do seems to be working... Please help me!

 

[snoopy]

All I can tell you is I've been married for 17 years, and my husband is not in any way possessive or controlling - but he most definately would have a problem with a friendship I had with an old boyfriend.

I think you need to evaluate who is more important, your ex, or your new man.

 

[dianeschlicht]

I have been married for 35 years, and one of my best friends is male, and he is now also a friend of my DH's. He is in no way jealous of this man, because he KNOWS he is just a good friend. If there are jealousy issues, it could be your BF isn't secure with the way HE feels about you. I would have problems with a jealous partner being posessive.

 

[TigH]

I agree with Snoopy.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't have any close relationships with men other than family members. I do have some male friends, but they are people that my husband and I see socially TOGETHER.

Same for my DH. He has work relationships with people of the opposite gender, but that's as far as it goes. The only women he has close relationships with are his relatives, or my female friends, and again, we see them socially together.

 

[floridaminnie]

Turn the tables on ya. How would you feel if he was friends with an ex? Have you started spending more time with your ex or sharing things with you ex that he doesn't like?

 

[Beauty]

Oh god! Been there, done that. I dated a guy named Bobby before John (back in high school) It didn't work out and we ended up being BEST FRIENDS. We told each other everything! Went everywhere together....etc. When I met John he immediantly didn't like Bobby. And it started to become a problem, luckily Bobby moved away for about a year in which time John and I became very serious. Well when Bobby moved back John said he couldn't handle our friendship so we drifted away from each other.

When John and I had been married about 4 years it just so happened (LUCK) that we moved in an apartment right by the one Bobby lived in. Well it was a rough time in our marriage. John was working 3-11 or 11-7 and Bobby and I picked the friendship back up. I was young and still very immature and was glad to have my friend back. John didn't trust us (although it WASN'T THAT WAY) because we spent so much time together.

So the way it ended up...I tried so hard to make them become friends but it wasn't going to happen. Bobby was "infamous" for sleeping around and John couldn't stand it. Now that I'm older I understand. So I broke ties. I haven't seen or heard from Bobby in 7 years or so I guess. There are still days I miss him because we had that connection but my husband is my SOUL MATE! I wouldn't give him up for any man in the world (even Kurt Angle )

My advice is first try to make them friends....if that isn't going to happen and you sincerely love your BF and want to have a future with him, as much as it hurts you to give up your friend it will make things much easier on your relationship. Some here might disagree and say he has no right to make you give up your friend, but I've been there. I hate to think that I may have lost my Soul Mate.....John means more to me than any human in the world.

 

[jfulcer]

I agree - turn it around and how would you feel about your boyfriend being REALLY good friends with an ex- someone I'm guessing he most likely might have been intimate with. What would YOU think.

IMHO you have to make a choice. Not that I don't trust you, I just would never trust HIM and that's a big difference. On the flip side, I'm sure your ex should understand and if it doesn't work out with your current BF, you still have an old friend you can look up...

 

[Tinkbell]

The tricky part here is that you used to date this guy. I can understand why your BF feels a little threatened. If it were me, I'd stick with my boyfriend. You can make friends anywhere.

 

[delikado]

Thanks for all the feedback... This has been bothering me all morning, and I can't seem to think about anything else.

The thing with my bf (Brent) and my "ex" (Ignacio), is that they actually do get along. Seriously. We hang out together with our other friends a lot, and they both only say good things about each other. It's just when I spend time with Ignacio alone (i.e. with other people, but without Brent) that Brent gets a little upset...which is a valid reaction, now that I'm thinking about it. (I guess it does help to write/type things on a screen.)

I'm just having a difficult time with this because I love them both so much (in different ways, of course), and it would break my heart to have to choose... Hopefully Brent and I can talk things over tonight, so we can sort this all out.

 

[Buckalew]

I agree with Snoopy too. There is a difference between having friends of the opposite sex and being friends with the opposite sex whom you have been intimate with.

Your bf may really like your friend. He may not want you to spend time with him alone. If he's there he knows w/o a doubt nothings happening. If he's not, he may "know" it but may still worry.

It is an awkward situation but I'm with the others who think you have to choose. At least you may have to chose to only see ex when bf is around.

I've severed past friendships before. Let me tell you it isn't easy--it can be heartbreaking. You may never want to do it but you have to do what is best for your relationship with your bf.

Good luck!

 

[goofygirl]

Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. how would YOU like it if your current boyfriend was hanging around his ex girlfriend? Wouldn't you feel at least a LITTLE uncomfortable with that even though nothing was going on between them?

Speaking for myself, I would not like it all if my BF was still hanging around with an ex. I trust my BF, and even though what's past is past does not change that in fact there was feelings/sex bewteen them at one time. Who's to say that won't happen again? We are only human, things can happen and sometimes DO happen.

I'd cool on hanging out with your ex. Its not a good idea.

Stay acquaintances. If you bump into him, say "hi" but don't make plans with him.
You can always make new friends. New friends who've you never been intimate with.

Its much easier to make new friends than to start looking for a new boyfriend that is really compatible with you and makes you happy. I've made many friends easily through the years, but finding my terrific BF was a long, difficult road.

 

[caitycaity]

i guess i am the dissenter here -- i have a close friend that i used to date. dh is fine with it. believe me, nothing is hapening there and neither of us want it to.

i couldn't handle being with a boyfriend that was that possessive, personally, but i have a lot of male friends.

dh is friends with someone he used to date too and i'm not uncomfortable with that either.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'll be the 2nd dissenter here. There is no way any boyfirend would ever tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with. If your boyfriend has aproblem with it, it's HIS problem, not yours. Tell him to grow up!

I know form where I speak. DH dated a girl who was an exchange student in his parents' house, and after they broke, she still lived there! She continued to live there for several years, even after DH and I met. I trusted DH, and my trust was not misplaced.

If you have never behaved in an untrustworthy manner, your DBF has no reason or right to mistrust you. And don't let him give you that baloney line "I trust you, I don't trust him". That's a lot of crap! If your DBF doesn't want you to hanga round with this guy much, it's because he doesn't trust you.

 

[disykat]

It sounds to me like you'll be able to work it out - just keep your bf involved in the friendship too!

I think it is especially touchy since it sounds like you broke up reluctantly and because HE couldn't commit. Even though it's in the past, that makes it much more difficult. It'd be easier for your bf if it was someone you thought was a jerk or couldn't stand being in a relationship with!

 

[Mickey76]

I'm in a similar situation right now. The girl that I am dating a girl that is good friends with her ex. It doesn't bother me that she talks to him and sees him every now and then. I trust her and that's important for the relationship to work. I could give her an ultimatum, but I won't because I'm not that kind of person and I might not be the one she chooses if I were to give her an ultimatum. If he can't trust you, you need to address it ASAP. Jealousy can seriously damage a relationship. Good luck.


Mickey76

 

[floridaminnie]

My DD's father's new girlfriend doesn't like it when he talks to me. He calls the house everyday to talk to DD, but outside that he's not allowed to talk to me. Ah, we do have a DD together and right now we are going through litigation that she started. No wonder why I'm not dating!

 

[jamsmom]

I might be a little different here....

I have been burned my men before because I was so trusting. So, I can see why your BF might be a little jeolous. However, I disagree that friends can be found everywhere. It take TIME to build a friedship.

Maybe your BF has been burned before

 

[Trinity721]

Trust is definitely important in a relationship, even though you can sometimes can get burned by it. Trust involves risk, but so does love. You risk getting your heart broken. And one of the previous posters was right, jealousy can ruin even the best relationships. There's healthy jealousy, which is ok to be jealous but not too jealous that you begin to control the other person. Possessiveness and controlling your partner are not two characteristics of a good healthy relationship.

DH have been married almost two years and have been together in all over 6 years now, since H.S. There have been times when we've been jealous, but we've always worked through the and learned that trust is vital in our relationship. I am still "acquainted" with my ex from before DH, we talk occasionally. What's funny is that I am friends w/ DH's ex girlfriend from before we started going out... I think he's more uncomfortable about it than we are I still have several close guy friends from college, who all are in their own relationships or are single and respect DH and my marriage. Maybe it helps that they like DH too We're all just friends, and DH knows this and he trusts these guys like he trusts my brother. What's more important is that he trusts me and knows that I love him and no one else.

I'm in no way an expert on relationships, I just wanted to tell you how it's been in my experience. It's hard to give advice not knowing how your relationship dynamic is, or how your personalities are. But I hope you both can move past this and realize that if it's meant to be for both of you, your friend is not the issue. You just have to reassure him that your are being genuine and he is the only one you have eyes for. And also reassure Brent that you don't act any different when he's not there with you. Best wishes!

Jenny

 

[Disney Dee]

My x boyfriend was my best friend but we saw each other rarely, we live far apart, (met on the internet). Because of the distance, we decided to be like we were in the beginning, best friends. This worked for me, we kept in touch and talked on the phone or internet. Then i met my SO who was ok with my on line, phone relationship with my x. I guess he didn't feel threatened because of the distance. Then my x wanted to come for a visit, sleep on my couch. I knew i would behave, but my So who lived 2 hrs away, and I only saw him on weekends, didn't want him to come visit. He didn't believe my X would settle for just a friendship. I was angry with him for not trusting me, and I didn't want him to try telling me I couldn't see my best friend! But to keep the peace, i put the visit off. My SO and I got engaged, and my X left a message on my phone telling me he still loved me, and he wasn't going to give me up! and that he never intended to sleep on the couch, he had intended on picking up our relationship when he came to visit! My SO believed this from the beginning, so I am grateful I didn't allow my X to come visit! The scene would have ruined the friendship anyway.

If you love your bf, see things from his point of view. If you insist on keeping the friendship, make sure your bf is involved in all your meetings with the X. JMHO.

 

[Michelle]

Hmmm. Well, I think I go with the dissenters too. I understand your BF's position; his feelings are natural but if he KNOWS your friend and likes him I don't understand why he would be upset about the friendship. It sounds like you have done everything possible to be honest and open and to foster a good relationship between the two of them then you have done the right things.

Jealousy is a very tricky emotion. It is a fine line between the loving part of jealousy and the possessive part of jealousy.

I wish you the best, it is a difficult situation.