Ready to kick MIL to the curb... (rant)

[Maude4Disney]

Yet again, my "loving" MIL has ruined plans for DH and I. We were supposed to go to WDW next month for a long weekend and MIL was "supposed" to watch the kids. Well once again, my "loving" MIL has backed out on us. I don't know why I let it get to me anymore because this is surely not the first time she's done this. And I'm not all that sure why I let DH talk me into asking her to watch them in the first place. Stupid me I guess. Anyway, she's come of a great reputation w/ me that she is the most unreliable grandmother. I probably wouldn't let it bother me as much if... She hadn't practically raised SIL kids (still runs to heck and gone for them) BIL lives next door to her and she has his kids more than they are home... And other BIL lives 15 minutes from us and she is at their house all the time, but can't drive 15 minutes further to see her other 2 grandkids. My oldest DS is old enough now that he is starting to resent her and the way she "doesn't" treat him. He definitely sees the favortism now and I hurt for him. I try to never talk badly about her in front of him and DH, but quite frankly I'm sick of making excuses to him for her.

Although I'm disappointed about our trip, I'm more disappointed that DS got his hopes up about staying w/ grandpa and grandma and now, once again, "she" can't. There are times when I think she doesn't even tell FIL what the plans are. He is left out in the dark so many times. I know he would feel terrible if he knew how DS felt.

Ok, sorry for the rambling. I just needed to get that off my chest. LOL I could go on and on about her, but will leave it at that.

Guess we're on to planning our Christmas trip (and DS won't have to worry that we went to WDW w/ out him )

Have a good day everyone... and if anyone is in need of a MIL... I'll give ya mine

 

[Mishetta]

My MIL & FIL wouldn't even drive 7 miles to come see their new grandson when my DS was first born. My DH begged them for nearly 2 weeks before they dragged their butts over to meet him. Well, now we live about 2000 miles away (no love lost there) & they so generously send my DS's a $5 check for b-day & Christmas. (But for some reason, they sent nothing last year...)They don't call or write or anything. We've not seen them since we moved from CA in 1995.

I guess I just felt the need to write that because misery loves company?

Sorry about your IL's. It's a sad situation. Don't worry about the trip though....that won't be what you'll regret in your later years. It will be the time lost between your kids & grandparents that will haunt you ~ like I'm sure it will haunt me. (Well....maybe not! )

 

[Maude4Disney]

I know I'm not alone in my situation w/ my IL. And you're right it's the time that DS's are missing out on w/ them. As for me, I could care less and if it weren't for DH still trying we probably would never hear from them. It still irks me all the same though.
it's not that misery loves company, it's just nice to know that someone understands.

 

[KristaTX]

I'm sorry you have a mean MIL - that's no fun. But do you really have to cancel your trip? Don't you have any nice friends or family who could watch your kids for a few days?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Maude4Disney
He definitely sees the favortism now and I hurt for him. I try to never talk badly about her in front of him and DH, but quite frankly I'm sick of making excuses to him for her.

Yep, I would say things like "they are busy working" and finally my youngest says no they are not, they just don't care about us.
(Well its true.) My heart broke that day.

So we are trying to move far away from my family. There is more hurt here than good. Believe me we tried for 10yrs and it is just getting worse.

I know what you mean that it is not about the trip.

 

[Disney Doll]

Unfortunately, we can't control other people's behavior, only our own. It is unfortunate that your ILs show such favoritism to their other grandchidren, but that's the way life is sometimes.

My best suggestion to you is don't depend on your ILs for much in the way of support, and then you won't be angry and/or disappointed. I also wouldn't tell your kids "Grandma & Grandpa are coming over" or whatever, until your ILs actually walk in the door. You'll save your kids quite a bit of disappointment that way as well. As far as your DH, if he makes the suggestion to have his parents babysit or whatever, I'd just very matter-of-factly tell him that you no longer want to involve them in those types of arrangements because they often don't follow through, and then plans have to be cancelled, changed or whatever and everyone is disappointed.

As far as your DS "noticing" the favoritism,...kids today aren't stupid, so he was bound to notice it sooner or later. It is unfortunate that it will be his grandparents that will teach him the life lesson that you can't always depend on people to do what they say they will do, or to behave in a fair manner. I wouldn't make excuses for her anymore. I'd just say "Well, Johnny, you know that Grandma and Grandpa aren't the most dependable people in the world with regard to our family for whatever reason, so we can't expect too much."

I had a very dear uncle who was an alcoholic. When he was sober, he was the greatest guy in the world. When he was drunk, he was a real louse. My mother(it was her brother) was very matter-of-fact with my brother and I regarding his problem, never tried to cover it up or make excuses for him. When he was sober, he was allowed to spend time with us etc. When he was drunk, he wasn't, and my mother always said "Uncle Mike is drinking again, so we won't be seeing him for a while."

In the end, your ILs will be theones who lose, because they will not have as close of a relationship with their son and his family as they could have.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Disney Doll

My best suggestion to you is don't depend on your ILs for much in the way of support, and then you won't be angry and/or disappointed. I also wouldn't tell your kids "Grandma & Grandpa are coming over" or whatever, until your ILs actually walk in the door. You'll save your kids quite a bit of disappointment that way as well.

Disney Doll I do live that and guess what, the kids figure it out that they are not "thought of".
In the end it doesn't work. Or at least this strategy has backfired on me. The kids are hurt anyway. They are old enough to get it like we do.

 

[caseylouandtyler2]

Sounds like we have the same MIL.

I stopped asking her to watch the kids, cause basically the answer was no anyway. Or she would cancel because BIL kids would be going over to her house on that day and then I'd be stuck.

But I sort of got even. I asked Her husband (step FIL), whom she really doesn't like, to watch the baby for me while I went to a function at DD's school. He was thrilled and told me it was an honor to watch his grandson and he wished I asked THEM to watch the kids more often. Hmmmm . . . He must not know his WIFE says no and cancels last minute.

She was not happy with me. I saw her in the store the day before the babysitting day. She told me that StepFIL would not be able to handle my son and DS was just going to cry the whole time.

She was wrong

 

[CEDmom]

I really sorry your MIL bailed on you. My MIL doesn't have any type of meaningful relationship with us (including DH). What breaks my heart about our situation is my MIL is only 45 min away and I can count on 1 hand the number of times she's seen DD who's almost 4 1/2. My mom on the other hand lives in FL and see's DD only of few times a year but calls and sends her little things so they have a great relationship. At Chistmas DD told my mom she wished she could live next door because she misses her so much. I had to leave the room.

As far as your situation goes, have you thought about saying something to your FIL? What's the worst that could happen if you said to him "it's unfortunate your plans changed and you won't be able to have DS visit while we're away, he was really looking forward to it". IMO people continue to exhibit bad behavior because they've been allowed to do so. Call her on it.

 

[KristiKelly]

My FIL died 2 monthes before DS was born in 1997. When DS was born MIL loved DS to death, I guess he kinda replaced the void" that she had. DS saw her 2-3 times a week and we even lived with her for 10 monthes (10 looooonngg monthes) while we were building our house and I was pregnant w/ DD at the same time (10 vvveerrrryy llllooooonnnnggg monthes- hmm, have I said that already ) Anyway, MIL got re-married 11/2002, since then, I can count on both hands the # of times our kids have seen her. She never asks them to come over, spend the night or even to lunch - nothing. Christmas, she comes over for maybe 20 minutes to bring them their Christmas present - THAT I HAD TO PURCHASE!!! and is gone again. For awhile DS would say "when can we go to Grandma's", we would cover for a long time, then we finally just started saying "when she calls and invites you" I know it hurt him, but it's the truth. This is MIL 4th marriage, DH said she did the same thing to him and his sister growing up, DH's Grandma practically raised them because MIL was always <A TITLE="Click for more information about dating" STYLE="text-decoration: none; border-bottom: medium solid green;" HREF="http://search.targetwords.com/u.search?x=5977|1||||dating|AA1VDw">dating</A> and looking for her next husband. I think this has been a nice little "vent" for us all.

 

[C.Ann]

May I have permission to slap her around in a circle??

It is SOOOOOOO important to NOT make "promises" to children that you are not going to keep..

When I was planning to take my grown DD & my 5 yr. old granddaughter to Disney last Christmas (which fell through) I made SURE that no one mentioned the possibility of this trip to her! She wants to go back SOOOOOO bad - can you imagine how crushed she would have been if I then had to turn around and tell her we WEREN'T going??

Your MIL is not a very nice Grandma...

 

[Disney Doll]

MM(love your initials, BTW! ), I am not saying that your kids won't be hurt. It's a hurtful thing, and it's too bad they have to learn a lesson like this from their grandparents. But, this kind of stuff is part of life. We don't have to like it, we just have to learn to deal with it as best we can.

 

[Maude4Disney]

skporter - I wish there was someone else to leave them with. But like I said, any family that is nearby work weird schedules and it just isn't a good fit for when we were supposed to go. And as far as friends...any that I would feel comfortable leaving them w/ are busy. I guess we picked a bad time to go... but gotta go when DH's schedule allows too.

CEDmom - we have asked FIL a time or two - behind her back. That has been about the only time that things have actually gone according to plan. But it still makes me angry that we have to do that to get her to acknowledge my boys.

C.Ann - only if I can watch (does that make me a terrible person?)

Ya know, she always calls on DH if she needs something and none of her other kids are arounds (which is most of the time, unless they need something) and he's always there for her. But I'm to the point where if he does one more thing for her I'm going to explode at him... which I know isn't right. I know he's just trying to keep peace in the family, but sometimes ya just gotta let it go. He says he's used to the way she's treated him - most of his life. She's always told him that he was an oops baby because he was born only 11 months after his older brother. Well, to me I see that as her fault not his. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she treats my kids differently, when she treats her own son that way too.

There will be no more excuses for her and I will never ask her again to watch my kids. I really think it's time for us to quit trying and see what kind of effort she's willing to make. I won't be holding my breath.

 

[momm2four]

My inlaws live two streets over from us and my mom, who lives in eastern NC, has spent more actual time with my kids than they have. I remember the first time she ever made me think things were going to be rocky. She babysat for my oldest when he was maybe 10 months. While picking up my son, I told her thanks for watching him and her comment was, "Do you have someone else that you can ask to watch him sometime?" Honestly, I had only asked her to keep him maybe 5 times in 10 months, but I guess that was too much for her.

Another time, I had a babysitter call and cancel on me two days before something I needed to do, so I called and asked my FIL if they could watch the kids (we had two at the time). He said, "Sure" and hung up after we ironed out the details. My MIL called back and told me that her DH had forgotten that they weren't babysitting during the month of October. I was flabbergasted! The kicker was they kept my SIL's kids on Sat. night, but wouldn't keep mine on Monday b/c Monday was like the 1st of Oct.

I have come to accept the fact that I can (will) not ask them to keep my kids. I guess when you finally realize that, it then becomes just a fact of life. They did actually ask one of the boys to go home with them for an hour or so a few months ago, which would have been great except his brother wanted to go too, and they just left him on the sidewalk, crying his eyes out, saying "I want to go, too, please" (Would it have killed them to take two of them home to work in the garden?)

I feel for you, and I hope that you guys enjoy planning your Christmas trip!

Lori P.

 

[SnowAngel]

It gets worse when she lives with you.

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

All of your stories are so incredibly sad. My parents would gladly watch their grandchildren (my nieces) at any time and at a moment's notice, they would never DREAM of cancelling plans with them. They would give their right arm before that happened. In fact, they have been known to cancel *other* plans so they could be with their granddaughters. They relish every minute they spend with them. It's been especially hard on them since after living in the same city since my oldest niece was born, my SIL moved almost 200 miles away when my oldest niece was almost 5, she's almost 8 now.

I wish all your inlaws could see what they are missing.

 

[suzannen]

Gee, what a rotten situation. It's terrible you'll have to cancel your trip and it's even more terrible that your DS has noticed favoritism. That's the most hurtful thing of all.

I have absolutely no words of wisdom, but would love to join your vent. My MIL adores DD and is more than willing to look after her when she has a break in school and I'm at work ( about 10 days a year), but she gets very angry if my DH asks her to sit so we can go out for a "date" or an anniversary. The last time she agreed to sit for us for a dinner she was great about it until I accidentally let it slip that it was not a business dinner but DH wanted to take me out for a romantic evening. She babysat, but refused to speak to us for a month afterwards.

 

[Maude4Disney]

SnowAngel - I can't even imagine. No Way. Now How!!

Unfortunately, we (my family) are going through the process of having to put my grandmother in a foster home. She is unable to stay at her home anymore and take care of herself and hiring someone to stay with her is out of the question (not sure why), but it's had me thinking what MIL will expect from us when she is in the same/similar situation. It makes me shudder!

 

[twinmomplus2new]

My inlaws live an hour away from us, and my kids see them maybe 3 times a year, and if they do see them it is because I bring the kids to them.

Last year my Ds9 had his first communion , The last weekend in September, A very large party, catered at home the whole shibang, Because it was a catered party the invites went out the 2nd week of August. My twins 2nd Birthday was August 19th, they had that invite since July. And I recieved a phone call, That They would only be coming to one party not both. it was just 2 much for them. And which one would I prefer? I said well Ds's communion as he will be hurt and the little guys won't know any better... And they only came to one, Can you imagine?

DH and I have been seperated for over a year, and I have still extended the offer to bring the kids to them... Which I did over Christmas I drove the kids there, What did she do invited the other grandchildren and proceeded to stay in the kitchen and cook, By the 5th time. FIL called my son Regan, Raegen, I had made up my mind that I was done.
This had nothing to do with the seperation It is very amicable, This has been par for the course for 17 Lonnnnnnng years.

2 weeks ago DH was talking about somthing, And the twins aged 3 were there, And he said somthing about (NANA) and the kids said which Big Nana? (who is my grandmother) or( regular nana )who is my mother. And he responded no Nana and said her last name. And they said very innocently who is that? He was horrified and upset that they didn 't even know who the heck he was talking about. I was so gald they said that at least she has made no impression on them what so ever now I can bail out and not feel guilty about not putting forth any more effort. And trust me, I will not again.

 

[tallyfamily]

I'm right there with you all. What really burns me is that my in-laws are all that my little boy has besides my husband and I because my family is deceased. Someone needs to start an Adoptive Grandparent program- not for the older folks to be adopted, but for them to be "adoptive grandparents" for our kids! My son sure could use a nice set of grandparents and I know there are older folks out there who really loves kids!