Read and Comment, please

[tinkerbell12]

So I'm turning the following into a writing contest: remark and complain, comment, compliment, anything, PLEASE!! I want comments; I want it to be close to perfect!!! Thanks! (BTW, there's some parts where I can't Italizize on here because they're hard to find, so if there's some part out of the no-where and you think the Jana girl's thinking it, she probably is! thanks!!!)



Not Such a Trend-Setter


“Where’s the mail? Did you bring it in yet? Has it even come yet?” inquired Jana to her mother.
“Which question would you like me to answer?” said Jana’s mother sarcastically “The mail is probably still in the mailbox, no I haven’t brought it in yet, I’m pretty sure it’s come!”
“Thanks mom!” said Jana.
I wonder if Liz Gibb has sent me back my fan mail and her picture, with her autograph on it!!
Jana came running into the house, screaming, “Mom, mom, mom! Guess what!”
“What Jana? What?”
“I have mail from Gibb Productions!”
“Really?”
“Yes, and it says to Jana Smith, Mom, it says to Jana Smith!”
“Well, don’t wait any longer, open it!” said her mother ecstatically.
I wonder what it is! I wonder if it’s my picture!
The clock seemed to stop ticking when Jana carefully folded back the envelope.
“OH-MY-GOSH!” screamed Jana as she took out a picture, “It’s an autographed picture of Liz Gibb!”
“Isn’t Liz Gibb that one singer rock star? The one that everyone’s waiting for to come out with a new album since her old songs are so lame?” asked Jana’s brother, Dylan as he walked through the front door.
“Yes, and she gave me an autographed picture!” Jana ran around her house in her state of happiness, but she didn’t notice the piece of paper that fell out when she grabbed her picture.
“Jana, can I have this?” asked Dylan as he held up the piece of paper.
“What is it?” asked Jana and her mother at the same time.
“I don’t know…” said Dylan, “but I call it if it’s worth anything good, since I found it!”
What is that? I don’t remember sending her a piece of paper!
“Give me that!” shouted Jana, suddenly mad that her brother would have thought of keeping it, “Give me that now!”
“Dylan, give your sister the paper, after all, her name is on the address.” said their mother.
“Fine!” said Dylan as he slowly handed over the paper to his sister, “I never really wanted it anyway!”
What is it? It’s probably valuable because Liz Gibb gave it to me…
“What does it say? What does it say?” asked Jana’s mother, rather excitedly.
“Oh boy!” said Jana as she unfolded the piece of paper “It says, Dear Jana Smith, I’ve been starting to think all my fans were dying, waiting for me to come out with a new album, waiting for me to do something outrageous; but when I received your letter asking for my autograph, I knew I still had some fans. That made my day and I really would like to make your day. I am giving you the opportunity to travel with me on my new tour, when my three new songs come out… they’re supposed to be record-breaking hits! I’d really appreciate if you could call my manager and tell him you’re good with it. Thanks a lot, Liz Gibb.”
“Uh, dear, are you sure this isn’t a prank?” asked Jana’s mother, suspiciously.
“Yes, mom, look, there’s even a telephone number to call…” Jana whispered.
Sure enough, at the bottom of the page there were the letters and numbers “Call my manager ASAP! – 1-546-4657. I really hope to hear from you soon!
How is this happening? How can this be true, it’s me, plain, old Jana Smith, yet Liz Gibb wants me to be with her on tour? Nothing this great ever happens to me!
“Are you going to do it?” asked Dylan after what seemed as an eternity of silence.
“Yea, are you going to go for it?” asked her mother, who seemed just as dazed as Jana did.
“Yes, you know what? Yes, I think I’ll give it a try…”
After all, if it was really a prank, I still have an autographed photo of Liz Gibb… what do I have to lose?
“I’ll get the phone!” said Dylan as he ran to the kitchen.
“Do you want me on the line too? Just so you don’t get harassed or something?” asked Jana’s mom.
Goodness, what does she think is going to happen? She’s only trying to protect me, isn’t she?
“No, I think I can handle this on my own, thanks mom!”
“All right, but if there’s something wrong just scream…” said her mom, trying to sound reassuring, but instead sounded frightened.
“Got it!” said Dylan as he brought the phone to Jana.
“Ok, 1-546-4657,” Jana could hear the numbers beep as she dialed them on the phone.
“Hello?” said someone on the receiving line.
“Hi, uh, this is Jana Smith…” said Jana, beginning to wish her mom was on the line with her…
“Jana! Hi! This is Mr. Robert Kists… I’m Liz’s manager! I’ve been expecting your call!”
“Oh, yea… well, I was calling to say that I really would like it if I could go on tour with Liz…”
“Oh, yes, of course, well Liz is right beside me, aren’t you Liz”
Jana could hear him whisper to a girl, whom Jana was sure was Liz, that it was Jana Smith, to which Liz replied “Oh my gosh! Can I talk to her please?”
“Uh, Jana, Liz would like to talk to you, would you mind?” said Mr. Kists.
“Oh, I’d be fine with talking to Liz.”
I’m about to talk to Liz Gibb! I can’t believe it! I’m about to talk to Liz Gibb! Try to act cool, don’t sound like a way too crazed fan, just, act natural!
“Oh-My-Gosh! Hello? Like, are you still there because I’d really like to talk to you!” said Liz Gibb. Jana couldn’t speak, the words seemed stuck in her throat, when she tried to speak, the only words that came out were “Uh, well, uh, I-I-I-I am J-jana…”
“Well, I thought you died or something, since it took you forever to just say something!” Jana was sure she heard Liz laughing at her.
Great! Now Liz Gibb is laughing at me, how embarrassing!
“Of course I didn’t die!” said Jana with a boost of confidence.
How did those words come out of my mouth? Why did I have to sound so rude?
“Wow! Didn’t mean to make you a cranky-pants!” said Liz, again, laughing at her own joke.
“Well, I didn’t like being laughed at!” replied Jana, with tears in her eyes.
I bet because I’m being made fun of and laughed at, that’s why I’m getting courage, just to stand up for myself!
“Well, maybe I should just let you talk to my manager!” said Liz, sounding like she was backing away from a fight.
“Well, maybe you’re right!” spat Jana.
What am I doing? Why I am fighting back to a superstar? Who do I think I am?
“Gosh! Just kidding!” said Liz, “Well, anyway, I just think it would be enjoyable if you came to my studio and then we started the tour!”
“How do I know you are Liz Gibb, the person you say you are?” asked Jana, suddenly suspicious of this person.
What do I know? Maybe it’s just some fake that wants to murder me! Snap! I’m starting to sound like my mom!
“Fine? You want proof? Ok!” said Liz, and then, Liz Gibb started to sing. Jana knew it was her because Liz’s voice had a ring, and some sort of melodious tone to it that made it flow so wonderfully through the phone line. It was so beautiful that Jana screamed. She screamed because it was her, it was Liz Gibb talking to her. She screamed because she finally had the chance to be something.
“What? What happened?” Jana could hear her mother’s voice on the line.
“Mom! Get off!” screeched Jana, embarrassed by her mother.
“Hey, is it the mom of Jana Smith?” asked Liz curiously.
“Why yes it is… Jana, what’s the matter? Why did you scream?”
Jana remembered the warning sign, if she screamed that meant something was wrong.
“Nothing mom, nothing’s wrong, just, it’s Liz… it’s Liz!” said Jana, beginning to realize just who she was talking to. “It’s Liz Gibb.”
“Yea, well, can we meet somewhere? You know? So we can talk about what we’re going to be doing?” asked Liz, beginning to sound impatient.
“Where do you want to eat? Where are you now?” asked Jana’s mom.
“Mom!” Jana moaned figuring Liz Gibb was tired of her mom by now, just like she was.
“It’s OK. I’m at the recording studio.” Stated Liz like it was part of her everyday life.
I’m about to meet Liz Gibb at the recording studio! I can’t believe it!
“Erm, which studio?” Jana heard her mother ask.
“The one in California… Los Angeles…”
“Well, we’ll meet you there then!” Jana’s mother concluded, “In about an hour, hour and a half!”
“OK! Sounds terrific! See you in about an hour or so!” said Jana. She could hear two lines click as her mom and Liz put the phone down, but Jana was too shocked by what just happened; the phone seemed stuck in her hand.


“So it’s settled then?” asked Mr. Kists.
“Yes, I guess it is… tomorrow Jana will be aboard your Tour Bus and it’ll all be fine.” Said Jana’s mother for what seemed about the thousandth time after walking out of the recording studio. Jana was so tired of all the planning and talking, she felt like she could fall asleep right there, standing up.
“Yes, but I was thinking, what do I even wear?” started Jana but was soon interrupted.
“Just wear what you’ll normally wear, it’ll be cool. You might even start a trend, who knows?” said Liz, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yes, tomorrow.” Jana felt her face turn red. When she got nervous and not sure what to do, she repeated what others said.


“Bye mom, I love you!” said Jana, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“You don’t have to do this,” said her mother, holding in the tears. Jana had found out she had to be gone for a month and a half at the least.
“Yes, this means a lot to me. I’m going,” said Jana as she gave her mother one last hug and ran onto the bus without looking back.
A whole month and a half, that’s a lot!
“Welcome to my home on wheels!” said Liz with her arms wide open as if expecting a huge thank-you hug.
Y ea, sure! Seems more like a cage to me!
“Thanks.” Jana said and she could see Liz was only trying to make her welcome.
“Prepare for a 48 drive to, you guessed it, New York City! Not including stops, of course!” said the driver like he did this every day.
What am I thinking? He does do this everyday! He’s a driver for Liz… he’s as much as a captive as Liz and now me!
“48 hours?!” exclaimed Jana as whipped her head around to face the driver.
“Yea, it’s better than when we had to go from Japan to Spain!”
“True, true.” Said the driver.
“Well, let’s get going since, not including stops, we have a really long way to go!” said Jana, suddenly cranky.
“Goodness! Don’t be such a grumpy gills!” said Liz, “I thought you would enjoy this trip!”
I hate how things rub me the wrong way! I will enjoy this trip I will I will I will!
“You’re right, I should be glad something like this is happening to me.” Jana said as she went to sit down on a huge couch by the window.
“There’s a bathroom in back and then a couple beds upstairs.”
“There’s an upstairs?” asked Jana, forgetting her frustration and finding some interest in what Liz had to tell her.
“Well, it’s not really upstairs, it’s more like a loft, but there is a…” Jana couldn’t hear her anymore, she was already at the back of the Bus, and looking for the door to the mini stairway.
My house doesn’t even have an upstairs! This is so cool!
“See, it’s not much, but it’s where we sleep.” Said Liz like it was nothing. “Let’s go eat, I’m starving!”
After they ate, Jana and Liz went to sleep in their upstairs loft.
Jana woke up to a loud thud and then many screams.
What is that? Why are people screaming? Oh gosh, did the driver run over someone?
“Well, time you woke up, sleepy-head!” shouted Liz, trying to be heard through all the noise, “We’ve reached our first stop!”
“Why’s everyone screaming?” replied Jana, about as loud as Liz.
“They’re screaming because of you and me, we’re super stars, remember?”
Of course! I am a superstar now! What do I do though? How do I handle all these fans?
“What do I do?” Jana asked Liz, struggling to be heard over the screams and shouts of the fans.
“You ignore it! It gets easy when you’ve been listening to it for some time.” Shouted Liz, and Jana knew it would be hard for her to get acclimated to them; her peaceful house seemed like forever ago already!
I have fans! I can’t believe I have fans! There are people out there waiting for me to come out!
“Let’s go and greet them then!” announced to Jana, hoping it would make the screams stop.
“Oh, no way!” exclaimed Jana, “What are you? Crazy?!”
“What? Why are you asking me if I’m crazy?” Jana found herself wondering if she was really crazy, if this was all a dream.
Come on! I’m getting frustrated and angry with one of the greatest singers ever, I’m trying to get my way against Liz Gibb, I have fans waiting for me to come out… this must be a dream.
As Jana pinched herself, she realized she wasn’t dreaming; this was real.
“What are you doing? Why are you pinching yourself? Doesn’t that hurt?”
“Yea, I guess it does hurt…” replied Jana, not telling Liz her thoughts in fear she’d be laughed at again. “Why did you think I’m crazy?”
“Going out there will only make the fans see your weakness; that’s a pretty bad thing! Plus, if you go out there, the screaming will only get worse.”
“Oh…” said Jana, feeling stupid for about the tenth time this trip.
“Let’s go eat lunch… I bet it’s one of your favorites!” said Liz, smiling at Jana.
“How do you know what my favorites are?” inquired Jana.
“Your mom told me, silly! Your mom is so interesting; we talked while you were taking a tour of my studio.”
My mom shared my personal information with Liz Gibb!
“I think it’s ready.” Shouted Liz about half an hour after Liz said it was ready.
“This time for real?” Jana spat, she was so hungry.
“Well, yea.” Whispered Liz; Jana could tell she was embarrassed. The screams and cheers of fans had died out; there were only about ten fans out there now.
As soon as Liz set the plates on the table, Jana dug right in.
“Do you have any manners?” said Liz, even though she knew Jana was starving.
“Yes, but when I am starved, I feel it’s necessary to eat.” Jana replied knowing that was rude, but starting not to care.
“Listen, I am giving you a once in a lifetime opportunity and you treat me like dirt! I’ve been so nice to you, I’ve been helping you get adjusted to being a rock star and all you do is treat me like I’m your maid or something! I’m about to give up on you! What more do you want me to do?” said Liz, and Jana knew she was speaking the truth.
“S-s-sorry…” Jana mumbled in between bites of, what was her favorite, chicken parmesan.
“Let’s go outside, like you wanted to do.” Said Liz, sounding like she was giving up.
“OK!” replied Jana, knowing Liz was going to be a little frustrated with her , “But, that’s not what you want to do, is it?”
“No, but it’s what you wanted to do, so I’ll show you why we don’t go outside; we’ll go and you’ll see.”
Liz Gibb is trying to prove me wrong!
As Liz and Jana walked out the door, all Jana could see were flashing lights. There were screams coming from every direction and Jana only hoped she listened to Liz.
“I’m your biggest fan!!” Jana heard someone from the crowd shriek; but she could not see them, the flashing lights weren’t even close to halting… It seemed to Jana that they were speeding up.
“Who’s that girl?” questioned a fan and Jana could feel her face turn red as she felt everyone’s eyes on her. For a moment the flashing seemed to stop as she waited for Liz’s response.
“Oh, she’s just a fan.” Replied Liz, giving Jana a smug look, “She won one of my contests.”
“OHHHH!” Liz knew the fans wanted another “contest” to come out. All she was trying to do was to make the rude and impolite Jana leave.
“I want to win a contest!” anther fan said, but Liz didn’t hear her, she only heard the sound of Jana going back into the tour bus.
Liz smiled, “That’s how it should be, that’s how I want it to be” thought Liz as she turned once again to face her fans. She waved and bowed and walked up the pre-prepared “red carpet-way” and then turned to her fans and blew them a kiss.
“I love you all! Buy tickets!” were her last words before she went back on the bus. Liz wasn’t greeted by her driver, the way she usually was, her driver was sitting there but Jana was next to them and they were talking.
“Oh, hello.” Said Jana as if Liz just turned out to be just a bug on her windshield of life.
“Hello. I met my fans; it’s as if they really aren’t dying like I thought.” Spat Liz as if it were a comeback.
“I can tell, though, there’s not nearly as many as there were, oh, about three months ago.” Said her driver, who wasn’t usually one to take sides.
“Well, you know what I was thinking?” inquired Jana, wishing Liz would answer this time.
“No, what were you thinking?” said Liz sarcastically.
“I was thinking that I’m just a little fan, not wanting any attention though I came on Tour with you… If I came on tour, where are all the concerts?”
“I know you are a little fan and yet you get enough attention from me. Your mom never said you would be so picky and so much work. To answer your question, though, indeed, there are concerts, but if you used your brain, we’re still not there yet, so, why would there be concerts?”
“Well, I was thinking that if you made mini concerts, with half of one of the songs, your fans would know some of them and want to know the rest so they’d buy concert tickets.” Replied Jana, knowing now not to let what Liz thought was a “burn” get to her.
“Yes, we were discussing that and I thought it was a great idea.” Said Liz’s driver.
“Oh, and when did you come up with this? Why did you come up with this without me?” said Liz and Jana could see her plan had worked.
I’m not going to listen to Liz this and Liz that all day. I’m going to make an appearance on a mini concert stage and everyone will want to see me in the big concerts.
“Good!” replied Jana.
“Fine!” shouted Liz, “you keep me out of your plans, but you’ll see, you’ll need me, I am Liz Gibb!!”
“Yea, well, what are you going to do? She’s like that sometimes.” Sighed the driver to Jana.
“Oh, lunch seems to sound peachy now. Is it about that time?” requested Jana, talking to the driver but looking at Liz.
As Jana ate, She could hear Liz crying, with words like ruining, destroy, life, poor, and me being thrown in every so often.
I need to talk to Liz… I need to tell her I’m not really always like this…
“Uh, Liz, could I talk to you a second?” asked Jana, rhetorically since she moved right on, “I know I’ve been acting really annoying and mean.”
“You got that right.” Murmured Liz under her breath.
“I think it would be better for you if I left.” Continued Jana.
“It’s been nice having you.” Said Liz thinking no one would want to leave her.
“Then it’s settled?”
“What’s settled?”
“My leaving!”
“No! You’re not leaving.” Liz heard Jana turn around and go back down the steps. “Tell me you’re not leaving, Jana! No!”
“I’m so sorry this had to happen.” Remarked Jana as if she really did feel bad.
“Oh, that’s okay, we’ll drop you off here.” Said the driver as he pulled up to a few houses before Jana’s.
“Where are we stopping now?” cried Liz, like her life was over.
“We’re stopping where you’ve wanted to stop since I got on this tour bus!” replied Jana, hoping Liz would know.
“McDonald’s?” said Liz, sounding sincere.
“Uh, no, my house. I’m leaving.” Said Jana as she hugged the driver and went to pick up her luggage.
“What? Leaving? Why?” said Liz as she arrived from the steps.
“Because we weren’t even good friends and that hasn’t been working out so I thought I should leave.” Said Jana, trying to sound sad, even though she was relieved.
“Oh, that’s just too bad.” whispered Liz, “It’s just too bad.”
“It seemed for the best, but remember me, okay?” asked Jana, to Liz.
“Oh, I’ll always remember you; in fact, I’ll say your name in my next concert; It’ll be for you.”
“Okay, thanks Liz.” Said Jana and ran to hug her, she’d been good to her for the past two weeks. “I’ll come to one of your concerts.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Bye.”
Jana walked up to her house and rang the doorbell. She heard footsteps and her mother answered the door. Liz could see Jana’s tears as she turned around to close the front door.
Liz knew Jana was the reason she was quite successful; thoughts of Jana went through Liz’s head every mini concert.

 

[maelstrom troll]

Some of the dialogue was pretty corny.

 

[tinkerbell12]

Yea, that's what I was thinking, I'm changing it right now -- Thank you sooo much for being honest!!

 

[maelstrom troll]

Good luck

 

[tinkerbell12]

Thanks, I need it!

 

[DisneyTeen2592]

i think its good! good luck

 

[BabyPiglet]

I actually think it is very very rough. Are you entering it in some kinda competition? It is very choppy.

Unrealistic. Get your stuff right, like when they enter a tour stop they go a hotel not just jump outta bed and go do a concert.

Like I said completly super unrealistic...

Sorry sweetie but it needs alot of work...

Hun I prolly wouldn't pick it to win in any kind of competition.

 

[IrishTink]

yeah it's good and all, but i agree with jenny, it's just too unrealistic. is that the end of the story?? good luck

 

[BAMBIFOREVER]

i like it good luck

 

[ktbutterfly2011]

It was entertaining yet unrealistic. And also the dialogue while some of it was good coulbe be more witty and or heartfelt.

 

[BabyPiglet]

Sorry but to me the whole plot line is weird...

So this old faded out rockstar asks some fan to go on tour with her. And then they leave like 2 days later.

Sorry it sounds kinda Micheal Jackson - ish ....

 

[Sparx]

Its choppy.

It didn't hold my attention.

Conversations are hard to write.

I mean, its okay. but nothing more.