? re: spending holidays with grown children ...

[EdiePA]

Just want some input on how to handle this ...

My DS#1 is married. For the last four years they've split holidays -- one year, Thanksgiving is with us and Christmas is with his wife's family. The next year it flips. We don't live close to each other and frankly, we tried a "common" vacation together this summer and I came home vowing to never do that again. Her family is all drama (tears, leaving restaurants in the middle of a meal, etc.) and I just don't want that at the holidays.

So, everything was fine until this year. My DIL is pregnant and will be six weeks away from her due date at Christmas. They already have plans to fly to her parents for Thanksgiving. So, Christmas was to be with me. I offered to drive to them so that she wouldn't have to make the 5 hr. trip. Well, now her family is going to be there for Christmas, too. DIL let me know this this weekend and said, "My mom wants to know if that's going to 'encroach' on my time with them."

I didn't know what to say at the time, but now I'm upset. I'm ready to say that we'll just skip this Christmas and maybe they can come here next year, but I know that's just a knee jerk reaction.

Why am I being put in the position of being the bad guy? Is there any way to handle this? My other solution was to come on Christmas night (they should be leaving on the 26th), but I'm still p.o.'d at being put in this position.

Any thoughts? (please, be gentle, I'm already crying)

Edie

 

[Took]

Clearly, her family is not "playing fair" but that need not determine your reaction. You cannot control them.

You could mention quite sincerely that you would rather have some time alone with them and see how that works. Perhaps, her family might leave early Xmas day and you could arrive later that day and continue from there.

You're within your rights to feel let down, but unless you want a fight, you can not do much more than reiterate politely your desire for private time and make your plans according to their response.

I don't envy you. family holiday stuff always is a trial. We just started taking vacations at Xmas (to WDW!) to get away from them. We go to family SOME years, but not every year.

 

[Christine]

Uuugghhh---I hate situations like this.

Of course, my first instinct is to tell you not to go, but that would be handling it very emotionally. I guess the best thing to do is take the higher ground, say "of course it doesn't encroach on my time with you" and just suck it up and go (but maybe go for the shorter amount of time).

My guess is that after the baby is born they probably aren't going to want to travel and you might not get to see them at your place next year. I'm thinking you're just going to have to get more accustomed to the in-laws. The beauty of it is, if you are there you can leave when you need to.

 

[Kath2003]

DIL let me know this this weekend and said, "My mom wants to know if that's going to 'encroach' on my time with them."

Huh?

Sounds like momma is making a fuss. It's Christmas - you can ALL be there and you can ALL enjoy spending time together. Perhaps it might be best to let DIL decide what's going to be 'easiest' (least drama) for this year since she's so pregnant. She probably already knows that her mother is kicking up a fuss at the very idea.

 

[Brianne]

Did your DIL invite them for Christmas or did they invite themselves?

I would probably find a way to be honest with your son & DIL about how you feel, but do try to keep any emotion out of it.

Worst case scenerio, can you visit them over New Year's instead?

I definitely don't blame you for not wanting to share the visit, especially if the trading off has been going on for awhile now. Her family should be more respectful!

 

[Christine]

Huh?

Sounds like momma is making a fuss. It's Christmas - you can ALL be there and you can ALL enjoy spending time together. Perhaps it might be best to let DIL decide what's going to be 'easiest' (least drama) for this year since she's so pregnant. She probably already knows that her mother is kicking up a fuss at the very idea.

I agree. DIL's mom probably invited herself to come for Christmas and the DIL probably said "Well, DH's mom is coming and this is her time with us as we do Thanksgiving with you." I'm imagining her mom getting all "drama" about it and making the "encroach" statement.

 

[Mkrop]

I am sorry you are so upset about this. Could you go see them the weekend before or after instead?

Does your DIL know how you feel about spending time with her family? My guess is she probably doesnt and thinks everyone getting together is fine and fun idea? From her POV it is the best of both worlds, he get his family (you) and she gets hers there, it makes everyone (in her mind) happy. Maybe ehr family is giving her the guilt trip

And unfortunately with a new baby coming I think things are just going to get worse and both familes are going to want to be with the baby at the holidays and birthdays etc. We try to separate our time with each grandparents but it is hard sometimes to make eveyone happy.

Once again I am sorry you are upset and trying to get you to maybe see this from DIL's POV, since I am DIL and a DD.

 

[SC Minnie]

I would be upset too.

Will you all be staying at your son and dil's house or will everyone staying in hotels? If you all will be in the same house that is a little too close for comfort for me.

Speak to your son. Her parents should be the ones to be more respectful and come the weekend before or after since this is your regularly scheduled holiday.

To be honest, if you/they don't set ground rules now your 'time' with them will constantly be encroached on especially after the baby arrives.

 

[TwinsinCA]

That IS a horrible position she put you in.

I guess I'd just suck it up this year and hope for as little drama as possible. But next year when it is "their" Christmas -- make sure YOU are there too! Then maybe the in-laws won't pull this again.

 

[bekkiz]

I think you have a right to be sad that you have to share time, but at the same time, it's just one holiday and these are adults. At some point, they may decide to spend holidays with just their own growing family.

One other thing that occurs to me (As someone who is very pregnant), my mom is totally freaking out about not seeing me at some point right before the kids come (she lives a couple states away). And she's making me feel SO guilty when I tell her not to come because I'm lame right now, and cranky and crabby. My guess is that DIL's parents are having the same reaction my mom is--they don't want to miss out on seeing her all huge and pregnant and heven forbid something goes wrong, they want to have that one last visit. I'm not saying it's right, but I'm going through the same thing. It's very awkward for me, and I don't even need to juggle in-laws.

Would you be willing to go up over New Years and celebrate then? That way you have alone time with them, and you can have a special celebration.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Clearly, her family is not "playing fair" but that need not determine your reaction. You cannot control them.

You could mention quite sincerely that you would rather have some time alone with them and see how that works. Perhaps, her family might leave early Xmas day and you could arrive later that day and continue from there.

You're within your rights to feel let down, but unless you want a fight, you can not do much more than reiterate politely your desire for private time and make your plans according to their response.

I don't envy you. family holiday stuff always is a trial. We just started taking vacations at Xmas (to WDW!) to get away from them. We go to family SOME years, but not every year.

I totally agree with this.

The other MIL is not playing fair.
And the proverbial **** will hit the fan when that grandbaby arrives.
This is just the beginning.

This is such a hard time...
BOTH sets of inlaws wanting their 'TIME'.
Both with 'EXPECTATIONS'
Both not wanting to 'let go'.

My advice....
1. Speak personally with your son... Iron out what will be reasonable expectations with him and with you.... ( Any confrontation between MIL and DIL, or between two MIL's would only be disastrous.)

2. Realize right now that, HEY, these other inlaws are emotional and demanding and do not play fair... You can either handle this by joining in the drama... or beiing gracious and realizing that your son has a wife, a family, a life, inlaws, etc... and give him some room... Hey, maybe you don't see them Christmas day... That is not the end of the world... It is called 'life'.

I would speak personally with your son... tell him that you love him and his wife and new grandchild, and that, if he feels it is necessary, then you are just as happy to see him after Christmas, as before.

I would rather have wonderful visits and a wonderful visits and relationship completely outside of the other inlaws 'drama' than a strained and miserable relationship entangled in their 'drama'. (even if that does take scheduling and accepting some off-times)

Congratulations on the new grandbaby!!!

 

[minniecarousel]

ugh! Edie - so sorry this is happening.

What about your other kid(s)? Could you just spend time with them, or other family? I think I'd try for New Years' or your idea about arriving on Christmas Day and only overlapping one day. Her mother knows she's "encroaching" on your time, she just doesn't care.

Good luck.

(again, I feel so blessed, I like both of my sons' ILs.)

 

[chrisw127]

There are some battles you can't win and this is probably one of them. Your DIL probably wants to be with her mom too, given that she's pregnant; it's a really special time. And you, rightfully, want your time with them as well. Why not just go and be the bigger person? You can still control how you react to them and when you come and go, as someone mentioned above. I'm not saying this is fair in the least and I think you are right to feel the way you do, but it's the situation you have and you probably just have to make the best of it.

Hang in there. I bet it will turn out better than you thought.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Speaking from the DIL's point of view, it's really tough. The year we were engaged we tried to go to both families' houses during Christmas, and swore never to do it again. So we've been switching back and forth between families ever since.

We had one Christmas when we had both families together (my MIL and SIL and my parents). I thought it would be great (we and our kids gave up beds for them all), but my mom was very put out. She and Dad wound up getting a hotel room, something 6 years later I still hear about. That said, no one has ever suggested a clan gathering ever again!

There's no easy solution. I've done my best to be a good DIL and do my best to maintain good relationships with my inlaws, but my mom is still my mom, and I'm still closer to her. Being so pregnant and with her family so far away, it's understandable she would want to be with her mother this year. That said, I have a SIL who is ALWAYS with her mother, and has really caused a lot of angst with my husband's family. (The adage "A son's a son until he takes a wife; a daughter's a daughter all of her life" comes to mind).

I'm not sure that they're playing games, but rather being thoughtless. We've been married 18 years, and dealing with the holidays is still tough. I've started announcing our plans in the summer time, so that there's plenty of time for everyone to adjust.

Some of the other posters have made some great suggestions on how to handle it for this year. I'd certainly let your son know, but guys are .... guys ... and the emotional aspect/impact may be lost on him.

Hang in there, and enjoy the new grandbaby when s/he arrives!

 

[clarabelle]

I agree that you have a right to be upset. I would not want to be with people that "storm" out of restaurants either- yuck!
I think you should get with them and pick another day to be Christmas with them.
We have had Christmas in the middle of January and it is great!
Something to look forward to and you can take advantage of the sales.
Anyway -I would see about an alternative date and work on making it special.
Then Christmas day you could spend with other kids? friends? older family?
church? soup kitchen or something similar?
Good luck to you. I know this was hurtful

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the other posters... you can't win this battle (and get exactly what you want).

Personally, I would recommend being firm, honest, and tactful. I would say, "I'm really disappointed that we won't have the alone time that we've had in the past." Then, you'll need to offer a viable solution. Would you rather see them alone at Thanksgiving, would you rather share them at Christmas, or would you rather visit alone at another time over the Christmas holidays? It sounds like you would prefer some alone time. In that case, the second thing I'd say, would be, "I really value our alone time. Is there another time around the holidays that we could get together to celebrate?"

You get what you want, just not on the exact days you wanted. And, you don't look like a witch for throwing a fit about it.

Good Luck!

 

[PghLybrt]

We have the same problem. We rotate in New Years too. So some years we actually spend "Christmas" on New years with whoses ever turn it is. It actually is kinda fun becasue we wait to buy gifts until after christmas and get really good sales!

Although I must say it would be a whole lot nicer if they came to us once in a while.

 

[castleview]

I don't know how far you are from them, but I think the trips to her parents will slow down after this baby comes. DH and I dropped the trying-to-please-everybody routine after DD#1 was born.

Try not to think negatively and remember that a holiday is just one day. You can see them uninterrupted any other time of the year. It's sounds like DIL's family is high maintenance, so I wouldn't try to change what they do.

 

[Kae]

I would try to find out why her parents are coming, as it has been she might have asked them. At this time she may want her mother around.

Kae

 

[Todd&Copper]

I don't know, I kind of agree with LoveSmurfs.

I'd want to be a good DIL, but I live further from my own parents than my inlaws, and if my parents wanted to spend both holidays with me when I am so very pregnant, I'd totally pick my own mother over my MIL anyday. Not that MIL isn't better (now that she gave up the booze) but I think I'd want the comfort of my mom [and maybe I will have to make these kinds of decisions next year if all goes as planned for me & DH].