Question. Update post 27.

[pls5286]

My bf and I have recently moved in together and his ex is being a witch with letting him get his son. This weekend is only the second time in 3 months that we have gotten him. The last time was a camping trip we took.

She and her sister decided they needed to "visit" our house before he could come over this afternoon, to see if my house was "clean enough and where he would sleep".

They were upset because

1. We did not allow them in our bedroom because it is none of their business, they don't need to see our area of the house.

2. My son's room has a twin bed with a trundle underneath. The bed was made with clean sheets and slid back underneath, but still visible, as it is a small room.

They want BF's son to have his own room with his own bed. I have a 3 bedroom home. I have 2 kids. One is a boy and one is a girl. With my bf having a son, obviously he goes into my son's room. He will have his own bed, just not his own room. We just can't add a room on to our house. Esp for weekend visits and my kids won't be kicked out of their rooms.

This is the kicker, BF's son is tickled to death to share a room with my son, he is on the autism spectrum and really likes to hang out with my son.

Mom is considering cancelling this weekends visit because he doesn't have his own room! Another thing is he shares a room at home with his cousin!

What do you think, we are waiting on the court ordered visitation to be final, so she can't play these games any more.

 

[happily single]

I'm guessing the "mother" is still single There will be no reasoning with this woman. You need the Court Order.

However, I suggest to EVERYONE involved in divorce, custody, vistiation issues is to buy a notebook and keep a log of EVERY SINGLE telephone call, late visit, missed visit, etc. This will ultimately help if you ever need to go back to court.

Good luck!

 

[cheermom1]

Do you think she has a problem with you 2 not being married? I agree with the pp write everything down!!!!! plus she CAN NOT cancel visitation just b/c he doesn/t have his own room! my hubby's tried that and it didn't work plus together we have 5 kids and there was no way we could every kid their own room that was just not going to happen! however if you 2 are not married she might be able to cancel the visits b/c he is living with someone. That would be what I would be afraid of more than him not having his own room.

as a side note, my hubby's ex told him and the councilor that she didn't care at all weather my kids have a room but hers better have their own period!! Yep she is a winner!

 

[hereyago]

There is no way I would have allowed them to come into my home with blackmailing tactics.

Also, as pp have mentioned keep a log if you haven't started one all ready and log down each occurence.

Have they gone through mediation? You mention that you are just waiiting for the final visitation order to be finalized, well that log will help.

See, she doesn't realize that what she is doing is actually going to make HER look bad in the eyes of the judge. She is not doing what is in the best interest of the son, which is to also visit with his father.

So if she says she isn't going to have him stay over, write the log the date and time and what was said exactly. Then when the court date is for the finalized visitation, the judge can see the the mom was less then accomodating.

 

[DrCavin]

First mistake was allowing her, let alone the sister into the house. NEVER-EVER-EVER allow her in. And as others have said DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. First time she denies visitation, call your lawyer.

 

[mickeylove2]

I would not have let her into my home! Keep a log like suggested. Depending on where you live, it probably won't matter that you 2 aren't married and living together. You need to go to court, period. My ex and his gf live together and my religious views and the way I raised my kids, I did not want them exposed to that, but there is nothing I could do, the judge granted visitation, there's more to it than just living arrangements as to why I fought visitation, but anyway, the judge said I had to deal with it. My girls are 7 & 9 and have to share a bedroom with her 3 year old...imo, that's not right. But I can't dictate how he lives...I'm just glad that they only have to deal with it a couple days a month! I'm not crazy or anything like this lady sounds but I even offered to swap out my house, my kids' home, on his weekends and he fought it. Anyway, good luck!

 

[Robinrs]

YOU have no rights, the parents of this child do.

Channeling my Judge Judy mantra.

Get the courts to make the decision and get your "bf" to decide what's right for HIS son. As the mother she is making decisions for her child and unless he goes to court she will think she's the last word. If he wants to demand anything he has do be the one who does it, NOT his "gf".

 

[cheermom1]

First mistake was allowing her, let alone the sister into the house. NEVER-EVER-EVER allow her in. And as others have said DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. First time she denies visitation, call your lawyer.

I also agree it was a mistake to let her in your home as well. We did that one once b/c dh wanted to be nice but it didn't help at all just that she thought it gave her ammo. We never let her into our home again after that. we also had it set up that they had a meeting place to drop off and pick up. The less she has to do with your life and you kids life the better.

 

[Boxley]

Wait for the court order and then HE has to tell her to kick bricks.

 

[dislaney]

Agree with the others. Start a notebook - log everything. Good luck!

 

[Mermaid02]

You bf needs a lawyer.

 

[Magic Mom]

Even though she is being hard to get along with, try to look at it from her POV. You and the boy's father aren't married. That isn't as permanent or stable as a married couple typically (of course there are exceptions). You are a new adult in the child's life that will undoubtedly have a lot of interaction with her child. I think most Mom's would want to check you out.

I'm not saying she was right and you were wrong, but before you start calling your lawyer, maybe you would get further by acknowledging her concerns. I think it's great that you let her check out your home ( and I agree that your bedroom is none of her business.)

Since your BF's son can't have his own room (totally understandable,) could he have his own bed instead of a trundle. That would make the room seem more like their room instead of just your son's room and bf's son is a guest.


I think you are doing great. Keep being understanding but stand up for your own rights.
I hope the visitation issue settles quickly.

 

[cheermom1]

Even though she is being hard to get along with, try to look at it from her POV. You and the boy's father aren't married. That isn't as permanent or stable as a married couple typically (of course there are exceptions). You are a new adult in the child's life that will undoubtedly have a lot of interaction with her child. I think most Mom's would want to check you out.

I'm not saying she was right and you were wrong, but before you start calling your lawyer, maybe you would get further by acknowledging her concerns. I think it's great that you let her check out your home ( and I agree that your bedroom is none of her business.)

Since your BF's son can't have his own room (totally understandable,) could he have his own bed instead of a trundle. That would make the room seem more like their room instead of just your son's room and bf's son is a guest.


I think you are doing great. Keep being understanding but stand up for your own rights.
I hope the visitation issue settles quickly.

If the room is small I understand why it is a trundle as we have one in the youngest boy's room (both my stepsons) b/c there room is small. We had a set of bunk beds in there is it is so small it made it even smaller. And yes I agree you bed room is none of her business. When my hubby's ex came to our house we wouldn't let her in our room either.

However you are right to a certain extent about her being concerned for her kid, however it sounds as though the issue is just that the boy doesn't have his own room and nothing about them being married or not.

 

[minkydog]

Even though she is being hard to get along with, try to look at it from her POV. You and the boy's father aren't married. That isn't as permanent or stable as a married couple typically (of course there are exceptions). You are a new adult in the child's life that will undoubtedly have a lot of interaction with her child. I think most Mom's would want to check you out.

I'm not saying she was right and you were wrong, but before you start calling your lawyer, maybe you would get further by acknowledging her concerns. I think it's great that you let her check out your home ( and I agree that your bedroom is none of her business.)

Since your BF's son can't have his own room (totally understandable,) could he have his own bed instead of a trundle. That would make the room seem more like their room instead of just your son's room and bf's son is a guest.


I think you are doing great. Keep being understanding but stand up for your own rights.
I hope the visitation issue settles quickly.

I completely agree. As a mom, I wouldn't have been so upset about him not having his own room as I would be about the whole co-habitation thing. not my cuppa tea,AT ALL, and I would be upset for my child to be exposed to it.

I agree that this child should have his own bed, and not just a trundle bed. A trundle bed just SCREAMS "you don't belong here. See? we can just slide you under the bed and it's like you never even existed." I know you're upset, but can't you see why this makes her crazy?

Personally, i don't think the mom is off-base on this. I would have done the same thing. No way would I allow one of my children to visit a parent who has taken in a new love interest without checking out the place and the person. Just my opinion.

 

[fiveforall]

I completely agree. As a mom, I wouldn't have been so upset about him not having his own room as I would be about the whole co-habitation thing. not my cuppa tea,AT ALL, and I would be upset for my child to be exposed to it.

I agree that this child should have his own bed, and not just a trundle bed. A trundle bed just SCREAMS "you don't belong here. See? we can just slide you under the bed and it's like you never even existed." I know you're upset, but can't you see why this makes her crazy?

Personally, i don't think the mom is off-base on this. I would have done the same thing. No way would I allow one of my children to visit a parent who has taken in a new love interest without checking out the place and the person. Just my opinion.

I agree with Minkydog. When my ex and I divorced, we made sure that the kids had their own fully stocked rooms at each house so that they would never have to take a suitcase or feel like a visitor. We also had it in our divorce decree that neither of us would have overnight visitors of the opposite sex when our kids were with us.

OP, while I do feel you were more than generous to allow the mom into your home, I can understand why she would want to check things out. (Though, I don't know why she felt the need to check out your bedroom!)

 

[hereyago]

We don't know how long the OP and her BF have been together, just that he moved in recently. And at least 3 months ago on a camping trip is when he last had his son. Maybe the BF and his son's mother weren't married either. I don't think the OP would just have a guy move in with her and her kids if there wasn't some sort of commitment.

But, if the OP came on here and was saying she was glad the son wasn't over much people would have a field day. So, OP, I do applaud that you actually want this child to be in your life. That is what the Mom should be thankful for.

 

[ols386]

I completely agree. As a mom, I wouldn't have been so upset about him not having his own room as I would be about the whole co-habitation thing. not my cuppa tea,AT ALL, and I would be upset for my child to be exposed to it.

I agree that this child should have his own bed, and not just a trundle bed. A trundle bed just SCREAMS "you don't belong here. See? we can just slide you under the bed and it's like you never even existed." I know you're upset, but can't you see why this makes her crazy?

Personally, i don't think the mom is off-base on this. I would have done the same thing. No way would I allow one of my children to visit a parent who has taken in a new love interest without checking out the place and the person. Just my opinion.

I would want to know about the place and the person also. I wouldn't be all that concerned about the living together vs. being married. I'd just want to know that they were in a safe and loving home. I don't see anything wrong with the Mom wanting to see where the child will be sleeping, etc., but I certainly wouldn't ask to see the bedroom of the adult couple (whether they're married or not).

 

[Magic Mom]

We don't know how long the OP and her BF have been together, just that he moved in recently. And at least 3 months ago on a camping trip is when he last had his son. Maybe the BF and his son's mother weren't married either. I don't think the OP would just have a guy move in with her and her kids if there wasn't some sort of commitment.

But, if the OP came on here and was saying she was glad the son wasn't over much people would have a field day. So, OP, I do applaud that you actually want this child to be in your life. That is what the Mom should be thankful for.

I don't think I said anything about the actual commitment of the OP and her BF. I was talking about the perception of the mother and about seeing things through her eyes.

I've seen enough posts around here to know that if the mother had come here and posted her side instead, people would have been up in arms about the "poor" treatment of the child (not saying he is treated poorly by the op). It's all how you look at it.

In the end, I'm sure the OP just wants a peaceful homelife. I think it's worth thinking this through from all angles in order to have that peaceful homelife.

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

I feel for ya'll, these situations are very rarely easy. I deff agree, document EVERYTHING..it will help your BF in future court dates for establishing visitation. As for the co-hab, well it does NOT matter (at least in the state of FL). During my divorce (which took 3 yrs grr) both my ex and I moved on with new people. While I don't approve of my ex or his (now) wife nor their lifestyle, I don't have a say in THEIR relationship anymore than they had one in MINE. I knew that, but my ex had to LEARN it lol. He tried multiple times to get full custody (he doesn't like paying his child support lol) on the basis that "I" was not married to now DH who lived with us..in his head it didn't matter that HE was living with his GF (who was preggo) and tried to say in court she was a just his roommate lol. The judge explained the rules pretty quick. As a PP said, the CHILD has rights, not the parents.

Most likely it sounds like court is going to be the only way to get visitations enforced for your BF. I agree do NOT let her back in your house, in fact you should do like we do and have a drop off point at a neutral location (ours is at the police parking lot sadly).

Of course for anyone who has an amicable, peaceful moving on, I both envy and applaud the parties involved. If its a good relationship I would say showing the house/living arrangements would be great..unfortunately if only one party is amicable or able to let the past go this isn't possible..

 

[sunnyday123]

Agree...document everything. But tell you BF to do that, not you. You have no say in this, it's between the childs father and mother.

And when my ex moved into a house with his new gf, you bet I was down there checking out where my child would be when she was with him. The gf said I wasn't allowed, and suprise suprise, my ex said I was-he also said," you don't know my ex wife, she'll come in anyway", but still. To deny his mother into your home screams that someone is still not a) over "it" b) bitter and c) jealous. It's about the child, not the drama. Should she have access to your bedroom? Absolutely not. She just wants to check out your stuff so she can talk about you later.

Trundle bed? Yea, my kid wouldn't be sleeping on one either. Get bunk beds, or squeeze two singles in the room. He has two homes, one with his mother, and another with his father. Trundle beds are for guests. They now share a room, and he should have his own stuff in there as well.