Question for Stay at Home Moms

[bumbershoot]

I am not trying to attack you, but it is inflammatory language like this that does nothing to more the discussion forward. ....

I think it is so important to respect each other.....

It would be so nice if we could support one another instead of tearing each other down. I have learned though in my 3 short years of being home that most of the mud slinging...

But in telling the PP that she is using inflammatory language and that she shouldn't be saying that, are you actually supporting HER? Those are her feelings. She's not mudslinging while saying what she feels. She isn't ALSO saying "and those who do otherwise are evil", right? I think that sometimes people "hear" those extra words that haven't been said/typed/thought and go from there.

My mom was a working mom, she had NO choice. And every single day I cried and asked her to stay home, and every school day I was insanely nervous and had a stomachache and felt nauseated and wanted to stay home. (what a joy, right?) (though this past year I've started to figure out some of that, why I felt so nauseated and pained in the mornings, kind of interesting to me.) I missed my mom. I was jealous of the friends whose mom could and did stay home. I spent a LOT of time over at their places. With that background, how could I NOT want to be home with DS? I would rather have my kid annoyed at me b/c I'm always there (like my friends with at home moms were) rather than have my kid sad that he didn't get to see me except a couple hours between bed and school and work and bed (my mom worked weekends quite often so those days were often out, too), which is *how it was in my home* apart from the wonderful halcyon time that she worked at a bookstore that was a 20 minute bike ride from home and we could sit and hang with her and carefully read books all day long over the summer.

The OP works for a living also, she works from home. She is a day care provider, house cleaner, laundress, cook/chef, etc. Unfortunately, she doesn't collect a paycheck for it.

DH keeps trying to give me checks, but I'd rather stick with the informal part of it all, LOL. When I started cutting his and DS's hair (b/c people messed up DS's hair, and while DH's cuts were good, he always had to go back once or twice to have them fix it before they were perfect and it just got old) he literally wrote out checks to me in the amount he would have paid the hairdressers.

This is me as well. Yes, I could get a part time job, but when I am the one who has to stay home when the kids are sick or leave work to pick them up early, that will put my employer in a bad spot. Every employer deserves employees who can put 100% into their job and I can't do that. If my DH didn't make enough money and I had to work, that would be a different story. But since I don't need to work outside of the home, I think those people who do would make better employees than me. And why waste my time (or theirs) if I can't put 100% into it?

Yep. I can't even imagine trying to juggle things! I am just not up to it. Maybe if my mom were still alive and I could ask her how on earth she did it, maybe it would be different. But I haven't a clue how DS could be fully taken care of in all contingencies so as to allow one of us parents to give FULL attention to a job. Especially now that hubby is traveling. I'm glad that I can take care of DS so that hubby can focus on work...and if that means I do the dishes when normally that's his job (I usually cook, he usually washes dishes), so be it...

I honestly dont understand the SAHM concept-when your kids are in school

I was a SAHM-but worked out of an office in my home. When the kids went to school-I went to the office a couple days a week. But I always worked.

I cant imagine being home-without kids-and doing nothing but housework all day. Isnt it boring?

I did it before we were married (as I had mentioned) and it wasn't boring. I was planning a wedding, of course, and it was a wedding FOR DH. I wanted Vegas, he didn't, and he won that "argument" (until whenever our renewal happens) but I got to plan it, so it was extremely difficult for me. Since we homeschool DS isn't going anywhere any time soon, but if he were to insist on going to school I doubt I'd get a job.

I found JOBS to be boring. Most co-workers were just ridiculous and far more childish than DS was when he was 1. I'd much rather hang out at home, continue my organizing and scrapbooks and photography projects and think thoughts to myself, rather than hear the sort of things DH tells me he hears at work while socializing with adults!

But I'm sure that not all co-workers are like that. Since a couple of my friends are actually from my last longterm job I know it. But our friendships were formed *outside* of work. Anyway, I'm sure some jobs are fulfilling (like hubby's, which I'm not qualified for), I just haven't found one that's both profitable AND fulfilling to me.




I gotta clean my floor now. Previous tenants did a short-cut with the wood floors, used Murphy's Oil Soap on them, and they have a scum now. For months now when we think of it we take a Dobie pad in vinegar and water, and scrub the scum off. The parts we've cleaned are quite beautiful, and hopefully someday all the scum will be off and we can ONLY clean it with vinegar and water!

This thread has inspired me to continue that work, which I hate (it hurts, wah wah wah, to kneel on the floor like Cinderella), b/c I'm here. And since an at home parent with a traveling spouse doesn't get weekends off from their normal duties...I might as well!




"A 60 y/o lady who is still at home, playing tennis with a hubby that is a school coach. It doesn’t seem like a SAHM issue. It seems like a very poor decision maker issue."

I agree. Unless she was playing tennis at the Y or a community court or something. Which is possible.

 

[talulabelle]

Whoa, I didn't get past the first page of these responses because it only took until post #2 for someone to be jealous and nasty.

OP - I completely understand! When I worked, I was highly motivated, very efficient, got amazing amounts of work done at the office and still came home and knocked out most of the housework...because I had to. There was little time to do it, and it had to be done, so I was pretty efficient about it. The only things I didn't get to were the things that I could put off, like getting all the photos cropped and in scrap books, painting a kids room...organizing a closet. When I was about to become a SAHM - I thought "Oh my gosh, my life is goingto be so great and so organized!" I thought it would take me about 3 weeks to have every single thing done. In three weeks NOTHING was done and I was even further behind on the regular chores.

The thing is, being home can be really lonely and boring. There is no paycheck or money motivator. I was wired to be a business woman still and had nothing stimulating my interest or intellect. I was a people person, and being home alone with a couple of babies, was REALLY boring to me. Don't get me wrong, I was happy and felt very fortunate to be able to be the one home raising them, and I didn't want to go back to work because of this, but that didn't mean I felt the task was interesting in anyway. Also, you feel like there is SO much time, that one more day doesn't matter..and before you know weeks have passed. Also, the home had always been my place of rest and relaxation away from work. I wasn't wired to work so much there...I was only used to relaxing there.

To cope, I joined moms groups, playgroups, signed the babies up for baby gymnastics, and baby swimming lessons...anything to get out of the house and see other humans. I met friends for lunch and strolled the kids around the zoo. I watched nick jr with the babies...I did anything but the house work.

It's been 12 years now that I've been home and I still haven't put on photo in one album! I did eventually have to get on a routine and make a weekly chart of what needed to be done and make myself do it....so i did learn to keep the house tidy and clean...but now as the kids are so busy and there are so many more of them, I still don't find time for cleaning out the closets, etc.

I agree with the people that said to put music on, it does make it a bit better. I wear my IPOD around the house while I work...I also have a headset for my phone, and put the portable phone on my hip with a clip and talk to my mom and friends while I'm scrubbing bathrooms and stuff...that helps with the lonliness of it. I also set an amount of time I will work, and reward myself with breaks when I get something big accomplished. I definately needed to start viewing the home as my business and not my place of refuge anymore. Once I did that , and made up task charts for myself...I got into a routine.

My advise is start now thinking this way, because before you know it months and years will have passed and you will still be throwing your hand up in the air wondering why you can't get anything done. You are in a habit, and it takes a lot of effort to break a habit.

 

[dogluva]

Nope-she was married to him for 30 years-he was a high school coach-so no big savings. She volunteered, played tennis daily-and was able never to work. When they divied up their savings, retirement etc-she chose to use most of her "half" to buy out his half of their paid for home (which I think was a big mistake)-so she has a house she lives in alone and now that its 35 years old it needs lots of maintenance.

My point is she never worked-except a desk job 35 years ago-before her kids were born-never went to college, has no computer skills. She was a classic SAHM.

People change. You never know what the future will bring. My husband is a good guy and I cannot imagine him leaving us. However, I have seen it happen to people I never thought it would. You just never know.

 

[diznygirl]

Classic SAHMs don't think they can play tennis all day when their husband is only working as a high school coach She just didn't seem too bright to think she could do so with those kind of wages coming into the home.

I don't think she was a classic SAHM at all

Well then please define YOUR definition of a SAHM!

Is it-you only can
be a SAHM if your DH makes 6 figures with stock options and fully funded 401k?

Holy Cow! Where do I sign up to be a Classic SAHM? My DH does not make six figures, and I can't play tennis. I do have a college education and I have worked in the past. I'm never home - running errands and volunteering at the school. And I don't have a housekeeper.

I'm doing it all wrong!! Please tell how I can fix this - I need to get out of this mess!

 

[kpm76]

But in telling the PP that she is using inflammatory language and that she shouldn't be saying that, are you actually supporting HER? Those are her feelings. She's not mudslinging while saying what she feels. She isn't ALSO saying "and those who do otherwise are evil", right? I think that sometimes people "hear" those extra words that haven't been said/typed/thought and go from there.

Did you read the post I quoted??? Here it is: "Being a SAHM is a HUGE job, and THE BEST for your children, so don't ever let others say anything to take away from that! You are raising your child, with your values and NOT a day care worker-your children will love and appreciate all you do for them and not some stranger."

While she didn't say that those who choose otherwise are evil, she DID say that being a SAHM is the BEST for your children. Maybe for her it is, but that is her opinion and may not be true for everyone. Making that sort of statement is in fact inflammatory. How do you think those that make other decisions feel??

She also says the SAHM is raising the child not the daycare worker. Again, inflammatory. No need for me to read between the lines here because everything is pretty clearly spelled out.

As I mentioned, I stay home. It works for us and I am 100% happy with our decision. I also support my friends who choose to return to the workplace because it is their decision not mine. They love their children every bit as much I love mine.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

Did you read the post I quoted??? Here it is: "Being a SAHM is a HUGE job, and THE BEST for your children, so don't ever let others say anything to take away from that! You are raising your child, with your values and NOT a day care worker-your children will love and appreciate all you do for them and not some stranger."

While she didn't say that those who choose otherwise are evil, she DID say that being a SAHM is the BEST for your children. Maybe for her it is, but that is her opinion and may not be true for everyone. Making that sort of statement is in fact inflammatory. How do you think those that make other decisions feel??

She also says the SAHM is raising the child not the daycare worker. Again, inflammatory. No need for me to read between the lines here because everything is pretty clearly spelled out.

As I mentioned, I stay home. It works for us and I am 100% happy with our decision. I also support my friends who choose to return to the workplace because it is their decision not mine. They love their children every bit as much I love mine.

That's why you don't pick just any CENTER to send our child to. I've been home for the last 12 weeks and I'm sorry this is 1000 times easier than working and coming home to do everything I spread out during the day in under and hour and be with DD. I just can't see chucking such a large amount of money (my salary) out the window. I don't want to live that life.

Everyone makes the choice that is right for their family.

 

[talulabelle]

That's why you don't pick just any CENTER to send our child to. I've been home for the last 12 weeks and I'm sorry this is 1000 times easier than working and coming home to do everything I spread out during the day in under and hour and be with DD. I just can't see chucking such a large amount of money (my salary) out the window. I don't want to live that life.

Everyone makes the choice that is right for their family.

I've been a working mom and a SAHM. I think being a SAHM is 1000x harder. First of all, when you have more than one kid and/or they are old enough to actually make a mess....It is so much easier to go to work and pick up your kid(s) at daycare and come home to a clean house. There hasn't been anyone in it all day messing it up. You see, most of the "work" I do during the day is work that would not need to be done if I weren't home. The work of the stay home mom is the things that arise from keeping your kids stimulated and happy. Cleaning up paints, cleaning up baby food off wall that was spewed from a babies mouth during lunch. Constant picking up. Basically all of the work your daycare provider does for you all day while you are at work. Also, I was HAPPY to have every second in the evening with my kids - I wasn't drained from being with them all day, so any work I did for them was happy work. It is harder when you are with them 24/7 and you don't get a break.

Working mothers don't come home and do the same amount of cleaning and housework that stay at home moms do all day in a shorter amount of time. Assuming they don't have a housecleaning service as many working mothers do. They have all the same basic weekly stuff, like laundry, vacuuming, and cleaning bathrooms...but they don't come home to a trashed house from kids playing in it all day. Honestly, I can't get the basic cleaning done during the day hours anyway becasue I am too busy interacting with my kids, meeting their needs, keeping things relatively tidy and together duringthe day. The vacuuming, laundry and all of that usually waits until DH is home to be playing with the kids on the weekend or I get it done after the kids are in bed. So basically, I am working a full time job during the day taking care of my kids, then without any change of scenery, am getting all of the work that working mothers do done in the hours after work and on weekends as well.

Also, I'm doing it solo with no adult interaction all day. I don't get to go out to lunch with friends without children for a break.

The only thing I thought was harder when I was a working mother was I thought it was emotionally harder, because it killed me ot be away from my children all day. SO emotionally, yeah, being a SAHM is way easier. But physically? No way - being a SAHM is WAY harder.

 

[MooGooGai]

Working mothers don't come home and do the same amount of cleaning and housework that stay at home moms do all day in a shorter amount of time. .

This is what mean. If both parents work FULL TIME and a child is in daycare FULL TIME, then the child is out of the house for an entire work day. Do you know the activities I do with my child during that work day? Painting, cooking, crafts (glitter and glue), tents, toys, mudpies, puddle jumping, etc. There is no way a parent that a parent that has their child in daycare 8 hours a day has the same amount of cleaning that a SAHM does.

It bothers me when working moms say that to put SAHMs down. It is not true.

 

[Christine]

This is what mean. If both parents work FULL TIME and a child is in daycare FULL TIME, then the child is out of the house for an entire work day. Do you know the activities I do with my child during that work day? Painting, cooking, crafts (glitter and glue), tents, toys, mudpies, puddle jumping, etc. There is no way a parent that a parent that has their child in daycare 8 hours a day has the same amount of cleaning that a SAHM does.

It bothers me when working moms say that to put SAHMs down. It is not true.

I think it depends on the age of the child. I agree with you that SAHM's who are home with 2-4 year olds all day have a TOUGH day. It is hard keeping up the entertainment for sure. Also, it really depends on the parent too. Not all SAHM's have 24/7 activity stations going. The ones that I know, in fact, don't. They might do an hour of painting/glitter, etc. The rest of the time is meal prep, cleaning up a bit, throwing in some laundry, going to the library for story time, etc. but not messing up the house for 6 hours. Some of them even manage to exercise while their kids are home. My grandmother watched both my cousin and me when we were very young and I distinctly remember her cleaning up and cooking most of the day. We were expected to play with our toys in our playroom ourselves.

So I think there's a little of both going on.

I do think that once your kids get to school, it does become a much easier job.

 

[mhsjax]

I am a SAHM and have been for 13 years. I love it. Hubby is one of those guys that knows what the job involves and says to everyone that he has seen the job and doesn't want it. He never treats me like less of a person because I don't work outside of the home and he very quickly will correct anyone that says I don't work.

To the pp that said she couldn't stay home after kids are in school because it is boring, but I don't have time to be bored. I have 3 kids, after the last one leaves at 8:00 I go to the gym, home by around 11:30, eat get laundry and housework done, maybe go to the grocery store and start dinner, because at 2:00 at you know what breaks loose. 3 kids come home all have homework, and all have different activities almost everyday, so after 2:00 I do nothing but help with homework, drive kids around and get dinner finished then the kitchen cleaned. I would be doing this if I worked also, but at least I have time early in the day to get the house cleaning done and I don't have to take time away from anything else to go the gym or get hair done or whatever I want to do for myself.

PS, I have a very good friend that works, post grad education pulls a 6 figure income, no kids but in her humble opinion she has been there and done that,(climbing the corporate ladder) she is looking to stay home so she can just do her crafts and chill. Says that the big corp thing isn't all it is cracked up to be. We all have different opinions but just wanted to offer that info from a true blue women's libber. She would kill to stay at home.

 

[LuvOrlando]

When I need to motivate myself to clean I just put on my glasses and walk around. I can't stand the little tufts of dog fur so that always gets me going. If I need a bit extra zoom a cup of caffeinated tea or coffee will get my engines revving.

I have different sorts of lists. I have daily stuff like laundry & dinners. I have weekly tasks like dy cleaning, shopping for the weeks dinners and dealing with the bedding, strip beds, air out comforters, wash sheets and get them back on the beds. I have monthly tasks like Dr's appointments, maintaining medications, cleaning the fish tank. I have as needed jobs like sorting out the garage, the mud room or the basement pantry which I get to when I get to them. Then there are the big tasks like landscaping the whole front of our home (easily a 10K job if I paid someone else), which I did this year, sanding and painting the deck, I did last year, re blacktopping the driveway, the year before or painting, which I THINK I may want to do this fall with landscaping the backyard for the spring ... I tackle the big jobs a little at a time because I still need to keep the house running along side the big stuff.

I am really big on lists, they help me feel grounded and prevent me from feeling overwhelmed which almost always happens when I don't write stuff down. Some lists are in my head like the standards of laundry (I put a load in when I wake up every day then toss it in the dryer as I goof off reading the days news or on the DIS), or dinner (starts when the kids get in from school). I always have a running list on my kitchen counter where i keep tabs on all the stuff I need to get or do, this week I need to get the kids clothes for a wedding, pick up and put down fertilizer and still do the other stuff that needs doing. Lists are good

 

[ilovesugar]

I will have to agree with this. I have a very good friend who would say her house was spotless and she had 2 kids. She wanted to know why was I always picking up and cleaning? Hello. My children were here in our house all day creating and learning and playing. Making joyful messes while mommy cleans up after them

She worked 8 hours a day and it took an hour each way for her to commute to work. Her child was out of the house 10 hours a day. No wonder it looked fabulous all of the time Home, dinner, small playtime, bed. No messes during the week.

So I think it is unfair for parents that work outside the home to say they clean the same amount of junk that the SAHMs do. No they do not.

Ummm I do! I work 40 hours a week outside of the home. However, my 2 kids are being taken care of in my home all day, everyday by my niece. She is 20, and we all know that most 20 year olds really don't know how to pick up. Anyway, I get home from my day job to a house that is messy because 2 kids have been playing there all day long. I am excited if my sitter actually loads and starts the dishwasher!

So yeah, I DO clean the same amount of junk that the SAHM;s do and I think it is unfair of you to think differently. You don't know everyones situation.

 

[MooGooGai]

Ummm I do! I work 40 hours a week outside of the home. However, my 2 kids are being taken care of in my home all day, everyday by my niece. She is 20, and we all know that most 20 year olds really don't know how to pick up. Anyway, I get home from my day job to a house that is messy because 2 kids have been playing there all day long. I am excited if my sitter actually loads and starts the dishwasher!

So yeah, I DO clean the same amount of junk that the SAHM;s do and I think it is unfair of you to think differently. You don't know everyones situation.

Sorry you didn't read my post

I was talking about children that were out of the house all day. If you go back and read, you will see that.

But I am so proud of you that you clean up after 2 children and a 20 year old I could never clean up after an adult that did not know how to do so. I will tell you that most 20 year olds DO know how to clean up and maybe your niece just wasn't taught properly

 

[MooGooGai]

Lists are good

 

[ilovesugar]

Sorry you didn't read my post

I was talking about children that were out of the house all day. If you go back and read, you will see that.

But I am so proud of you that you clean up after 2 children and a 20 year old I could never clean up after an adult that did not know how to do so. I will tell you that most 20 year olds DO know how to clean up and maybe your niece just wasn't taught properly

Actually I did and you very clearly said, "I think it is unfair for parents that work outside the home to say they clean the same amount of junk that the SAHMs do. No they do not."

You did not say working parents who have kids outside the home. Read your own quote.

 

[MooGooGai]

Actually I did and you very clearly said, "I think it is unfair for parents that work outside the home to say they clean the same amount of junk that the SAHMs do. No they do not."

You did not say working parents who have kids outside the home. Read your own quote.

Read my example Also, we are talking about daycare on this thread. So it is quite obvious I was talking about children that left the house, not those that are home with a 20 year old who was never taught how to clean or pick items up


You said in another thread that your house is a "complete disaster" when you come home from work

Are you sure you want that type of person in charge of your little kids? At 20, many people live on their own. They know how to run a house, let alone how to pick up.

Just tell her "This is not a pig sty". You are paying her, right? She should clean up as she goes. You also don't want your children to think that is normal way of life. They could even help her. Make it a game. She needs to be a role model for them.

She is an adult and she is working for you! Tell her to step up her game. The fact that you have to clean up after the paid worker is awful.

Good luck, Girlfriend!!

 

[mhsjax]

I had a baby sitter, not for me to work but just for fun. Anyway, she was a mere 15 years old. That child would come in and actually make the kids dinner, even though I told her to get pizza, she would also sometimes bake them something and she cleaned up everything, it was spotless when we got home from our date night.

I guess what I am trying to say is that a 20 year old better know how to pick up, if she didn't, I wouldn't trust her to watch my kids. She isn't mature enough. IMHO

 

[MooGooGai]

I had a baby sitter, not for me to work but just for fun. Anyway, she was a mere 15 years old. That child would come in and actually make the kids dinner, even though I told her to get pizza, she would also sometimes bake them something and she cleaned up everything, it was spotless when we got home from our date night.

My sister's step daughter is like that. She is 16 and babysits for us when we go out to dinner. She is amazing and I always pay her more and more each time. She deserves it. My sister does not get along very well with this girl's mother (ex wife issues ), but she always gives her credit for raising her daughter correctly.

I know that there are grownups (ie. 20 year olds) that are dirty and unkempt, but there is no way I would want that around my child

 

[ilovesugar]

Read my example Also, we are talking about daycare on this thread. So it is quite obvious I was talking about children that left the house, not those that are home with a 20 year old who was never taught how to clean or pick items up


You said in another thread that your house is a "complete disaster" when you come home from work

Are you sure you want that type of person in charge of your little kids? At 20, many people live on their own. They know how to run a house, let alone how to pick up.

Just tell her "This is not a pig sty". You are paying her, right? She should clean up as she goes. You also don't want your children to think that is normal way of life. They could even help her. Make it a game. She needs to be a role model for them.

She is an adult and she is working for you! Tell her to step up her game. The fact that you have to clean up after the paid worker is awful.

Good luck, Girlfriend!!

I had a baby sitter, not for me to work but just for fun. Anyway, she was a mere 15 years old. That child would come in and actually make the kids dinner, even though I told her to get pizza, she would also sometimes bake them something and she cleaned up everything, it was spotless when we got home from our date night.

I guess what I am trying to say is that a 20 year old better know how to pick up, if she didn't, I wouldn't trust her to watch my kids. She isn't mature enough. IMHO

I am fine with it, actually. I would rather she be playing with my kids and keeping them happy. If that means more work for me at the end of the day, oh well. I know my kids are happy and very tired at the end of the day because she spend the whole day actually playing with them.

I am not really into the argument anyway. I don't think I work harder than anyone else and I don't need to throw out random things to make myself feel better. I was just trying to point out that nobody knows everyone's situations and to make blanket statements is ignorant, to say the least.

 

[ilovesugar]

My sister's step daughter is like that. She is 16 and babysits for us when we go out to dinner. She is amazing and I always pay her more and more each time. She deserves it.

I know that there are grownups (ie. 20 year olds) that are dirty and unkempt, but there is no way I would want that around my child

My niece is neither dirty or unkept. And yes, she feeds my children when she is with them all day. You make me laugh.