question for parents or those who work with kids

[mtemm]

I'm wondering if anyone has had to deal with what I am dealing with right now and if you have any advice/any books to recommend/etc, etc.

I have 3 kids, DS8, DS6, and DD6, all with their own distinct personalities and strengths/weaknesses.

My eldest son is extremely bright. taught himself to read by age 3, top of his class since he started school, teachers tell me he is gifted and rave about him to us (in private, at conferences). He's naturally very smart and very curious. we don't dote on him about this, its just a part of who he is like having blond hair and blue eyes. since he was in preschool, kids around him have accepted this about him. They just accept he is on a different level academically. nothing to do with them, just who he is, much as his friend J is accepted to be a great baseball player, or friend C runs the fastest.

here is the problem we are starting to run into. his siblings are very different academically than he is. his sister is average. from what I see (I volunteer in her classroom) and what her teacher tells me, she is on par with the kids in her class (kindy). reading is coming along nicely, as is writing, etc. She is excited and enthusiastic about learning.

Her twin, on the other hand, is extremely timid. He always has been to some degree, but now that academics are getting going, its is starting to be more pronounced. He is a bit behind his peers when it comes to reading, and gets extra help thru the school because of it. that all seems to be going very well, and he is really showing strides, but still, not on par with his sister (but still no problems moving ahead to 1st grade, he's fine according to his teacher).

we do NOT pressure any of our kids. I am also very careful to not label my kids (ie, he's the smart one, she's the funny, one, he's the slow one, etc, etc). While I understand my eldest is very bright, I truly believe that reading clicks when it clicks with kids, so the fact that my younger son is slower with it doesn't mean he isn't bright, just that his brain is still working towards that.

my problem is that I am worried HE is labeling himself. we were alone in the car the other day and he told me he isn't smart. I asked him why he thought that, and he said because when he has new work at school, it is hard for him sometimes. I talked to him about learning...how everyone needs to learn something before they know how to do it. And he pointed out that DD6 often gets things quicker than he does

He doesn't so much compare himself to his brother because his brother has always been so outside the norm. again, nothing we point out, its just kind of univerally understood. the competition is more so with his twin and how much more quickly she gets things than he does.

I really am concerned he is going to label himself as the not-so-smart one and give himself permission to not push himself/believe in his own abilities.

Any suggestions? I do think both siblings affect him a bit. I just think DD6 hits home a bit more because they are the same age. And while I understand that boys tend to get things later than girls, generally speaking, its hard for a 6 year old to understand that, especially when he has the brother he has. (and no, we haven't said girls tend to mature/get things quicker than boys, generally speaking, at this age, I just don't think he would get it or it).

any suggestions? anyone have any experience with this?

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

I am a substitute teacher, and in the school I work in, I have seen a similar situtation in a family with twins, also boy/girl. The girl is doing wonderful, even reading above grade level and the boy is just hanging on. I think this happens more often than you know. Talk to your kids teachers, are they in the same class or separate classes? Maybe that will help? I know in the case I was taling about the kids are in diff. classes. They don't see each other in the classroom so there is no comparison. The kid's teachers should be able to help you with helping your son. Try spending some more time with him and reading at night, that could help too. Kids will label themselves, there's not too much you can do. Even if it wasn't his sister, it would have been another student. Love him, and try to boost his confidence. Hopefully, it will help.

 

[IDoDis]

I'm a teacher and have taught twins (had a pair of 6 year old identical twins this year). I saw some of the same things you referred to. My suggestion is to consider having them in different classes next year. Also, try to find something your 6yo DS is good at -- a sport, acting, etc... and get him involved in that area. He'll see that he's good at something that his siblings might not be so good at which will help him realize everyone has different strengths.

Good luck!

 

[golfgal]

For as much as people say "don't compare your kids' I find it next to impossible not to. We also have B/G twins that are 15. DS15 is a natural student, it frustrates DD to no end that he never studies and aces everything while she still get's A's, she has to work for them. It frustrates DS to no end that DD is a gifted athlete and he would like nothing better then to go to Notre Dame on a sports scholarship. DD has been playing varsity golf since 7th grade, DS made the JV team as a freshman but was their 8th or so player-to DD's #1 spot. Point being, it is a part of life. We don't make a huge deal over the differences, we simply expect them to do their best.

I think in your situation I would make sure your son doesn't have any learning disabilities, his eye sight is ok, all of those things. Also keep in mind that boys often develop slower academically then girls but by 3rd grade or so they are on par or beyond the girls.

Just keep telling your DS that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and while DD may be a better reader then him now, he is better at ____________. Are they in the same class at school? Our twins were together in kindergarten, separated in 1-3rd, in 4th grade we put them back together because of who the options for teachers were and in 5th-9th grade they have had the same classes, just different hours. In 8th grade they had all the same classes, this year they have 3 classes together. I think it helped that they were not doing the exact same work all the time.

 

[Magpie]

My children aren't twins, but because they're only 21 months apart and my son is larger than his older sister, they tend to get treated as twins.

What I'd like to stress is that success in school is NOT a reliable way to measure intelligence, and it's not guarantee of success in life, either.

In fact, intelligence isn't something you can easily define. There's different kinds of intelligences, some of which have absolutely nothing to do with "book learning".

My daughter is ridiculously academically gifted - and lazy. She doesn't have to work to get those As, so she doesn't. My son has a fairly severe learning disability and has to struggle for every B and C grade. He requires learning support in school and uses assistive technology.

Interestingly, we had both children tested extensively. Despite the stark difference in their academic ability, they actually tested as having similar overall IQ scores.

Each of your children is unique. Each has his own strengths and weaknesses. They're too young at this point to say that one isn't as smart as the other - and as we discovered, it's really hard to know without testing them anyway.

You should remind your children of what makes them special - whether it's their ability to make friends, or how good they are at reading, or something else. There's always *something* that your children can do better than their siblings. School is only a tiny, insignificant part of that.

And make sure you spend time with them one-on-one! My husband makes a point of frequently taking one child or the other out to breakfast, but never both. My mother sometimes borrows one child for the evening, but never both. If I'm going to the store to do some shopping, I'll take just one child. It's a good way of getting to know them as individuals.

 

[Magpie]

my problem is that I am worried HE is labeling himself. we were alone in the car the other day and he told me he isn't smart. I asked him why he thought that, and he said because when he has new work at school, it is hard for him sometimes. I talked to him about learning...how everyone needs to learn something before they know how to do it. And he pointed out that DD6 often gets things quicker than he does

P.S. In this situation I would have told my son that just because his sister finds the new work easier than he does, that doesn't make her smarter than him. It just means she's good at that new work. Then I would have worked with him to come up with something he's good at, that she has to work harder on.

"Everyone is different. Some things are easier for some people and harder for others. Your sister finds school easy. What do you find easy?"

I homeschooled for awhile and when I was teaching the children long division, my daughter got it instantly while my son struggled for several weeks. Since they were the only two students in my "school", they really noticed the difference. I just kept telling my son, "It's okay. Your brain works differently, and this is hard for you. But you'll get it eventually. I believe in you!"

 

[DisneyJen0504]

I am a Kindergarten teacher and would just like to add that in Kindergarten (I am pretty sure you said that was the grade), the children come in with so many varying abilities, weaknesses, and strengths. Not every child is ready for academics at age 5 or 6 so as a result, kinders will always be at different levels. I have found that often children who may have struggled with learning to read, or picking up on certain skills, are just a few months behind their peers in K and by 1st grade it evens out b/c the child was "ready" to learn the material.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of fostering success in your children. Maybe if your son had another outlet he could be successful in other than school (sport for example), it would help his confidence.

 

[torinsmom]

I teach preK/K and I have seen this before with twins and other close siblings. Just make sure your DS knows that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I In addition, many boys are immature in kindergarten as compared to girls. It takes them awhile to get the hang of academics, but they usually catch up in 1st or maybe 2nd grade.

As someone else mentioned, intelligence is more than grades or how fast you learn. DS15 has a very high IQ, but has lots of trouble in school b/c of learning disabilities. His cousin, on the other hand, gets all A's without much studying. DS has alot more social skills and common sense than his cousin though, so it is a toss up.

Marsha

 

[golfgal]

I teach preK/K and I have seen this before with twins and other close siblings. Just make sure your DS knows that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I In addition, many boys are immature in kindergarten as compared to girls. It takes them awhile to get the hang of academics, but they usually catch up in 1st or maybe 2nd grade.

As someone else mentioned, intelligence is more than grades or how fast you learn. DS15 has a very high IQ, but has lots of trouble in school b/c of learning disabilities. His cousin, on the other hand, gets all A's without much studying. DS has alot more social skills and common sense than his cousin though, so it is a toss up.

Marsha

Which will often get a person much farther then having a high IQ. Our child with the highest IQ is also our worst student so having a high IQ only means they have the potential--doesn't help them if they don't use it . I know plenty of kids that are straight A, act the college board tests that can't find their way out of an empty room. Some good friends of ours have a son just like that, scored a perfect 36 on the ACT and one point off perfect on the SAT but gets lost coming home from school often . Their DD is a good student but works for it but has a LOT more common sense. They are more worried about their DS in life then their DD.

 

[mtemm]

thanks everyone! I appreciate all the advice, it does help.

we do try to foster DS6's confidence and point out where he excels, but he seems to really focus on where he struggles. and there are occasions where we've noticed he isn't even struggling, where he is on par with his sister and his peers, he just expects to know the material instantly so gets down on himself. and has a real fear of coming across as not good enough.

am hoping he outgrows it, but also wonder if it is just a huge part of who he is. he has never wanted to play team sports, even though at home he is really good when he plays baseball/soccer/etc with the neighborhood kids. He has stage fright, from what we can determine...plays great when noone is watching, but put a bunch of people around watching him play soccer or something (we tried soccer last fall) and he freaks out. He literally bawled his eyes out and only went onto the field 2x last fall, even though soccer was initially his idea. he was all excited to start t-ball this spring, but when it came time to sign up, he changed his mind.

He is a sweet, loving, warm hearted little boy who is smarter than he thinks he is. he just has a tendency to hold himself back. i think that is what worries me about him. and yeah, I know kids tend to lable, even if we try not to as parents. that is also what concerns me.

I am definitely starting to work more with him at home and I see so much progress. would love to do more with him this summer, so would LOVE any recommendations. I've also asked his teacher and his reading teacher for any recs.

 

[golfgal]

thanks everyone! I appreciate all the advice, it does help.

we do try to foster DS6's confidence and point out where he excels, but he seems to really focus on where he struggles. and there are occasions where we've noticed he isn't even struggling, where he is on par with his sister and his peers, he just expects to know the material instantly so gets down on himself. and has a real fear of coming across as not good enough.

am hoping he outgrows it, but also wonder if it is just a huge part of who he is. he has never wanted to play team sports, even though at home he is really good when he plays baseball/soccer/etc with the neighborhood kids. He has stage fright, from what we can determine...plays great when noone is watching, but put a bunch of people around watching him play soccer or something (we tried soccer last fall) and he freaks out. He literally bawled his eyes out and only went onto the field 2x last fall, even though soccer was initially his idea. he was all excited to start t-ball this spring, but when it came time to sign up, he changed his mind.

He is a sweet, loving, warm hearted little boy who is smarter than he thinks he is. he just has a tendency to hold himself back. i think that is what worries me about him. and yeah, I know kids tend to lable, even if we try not to as parents. that is also what concerns me.

I am definitely starting to work more with him at home and I see so much progress. would love to do more with him this summer, so would LOVE any recommendations. I've also asked his teacher and his reading teacher for any recs.

Sounds more like a maturity issue that time will take care of. I would suggest looking into putting him into Tae Kwan Do. If you have a good school around you it can do wonders for kids' confidence. There is nothing quite like the look on their faces when they break their first board. I would not sign dd up for the classes right away, give it a year for her so he can have "his" thing for a while.

Also, try to find ways where it doesn't seem like you are "working" with him on things. For reading, read books to them, have him sit on your lap and follow along with your finger so he can see the words you are reading to him. This way it is just mom reading us a book vs lets work on your reading skills.

Have him help you make dinner, "can you get out 3 eggs for me". If I have 1 cup of milk and I need to get to 3 cups, how many more cups of milk do I need, etc. Then it just seems like fun. We always had the kids add our golf score cards for us, they though it was just fun, we knew it was a sneaky way for them to practice their addition every day.

 

[Magpie]

thanks everyone! I appreciate all the advice, it does help.

we do try to foster DS6's confidence and point out where he excels, but he seems to really focus on where he struggles. and there are occasions where we've noticed he isn't even struggling, where he is on par with his sister and his peers, he just expects to know the material instantly so gets down on himself. and has a real fear of coming across as not good enough.

am hoping he outgrows it, but also wonder if it is just a huge part of who he is. he has never wanted to play team sports, even though at home he is really good when he plays baseball/soccer/etc with the neighborhood kids. He has stage fright, from what we can determine...plays great when noone is watching, but put a bunch of people around watching him play soccer or something (we tried soccer last fall) and he freaks out. He literally bawled his eyes out and only went onto the field 2x last fall, even though soccer was initially his idea. he was all excited to start t-ball this spring, but when it came time to sign up, he changed his mind.

He is a sweet, loving, warm hearted little boy who is smarter than he thinks he is. he just has a tendency to hold himself back. i think that is what worries me about him. and yeah, I know kids tend to lable, even if we try not to as parents. that is also what concerns me.

I am definitely starting to work more with him at home and I see so much progress. would love to do more with him this summer, so would LOVE any recommendations. I've also asked his teacher and his reading teacher for any recs.

Family board games - especially ones that focus more on luck than strategy - can be good for learning about winning and losing. And for learning how to be easier on yourself when life isn't going your way.

You might also want to read up a little on perfectionism in children - there's lots of resources online. The thing to keep in mind is that a Perfectionist isn't always a child who does everything perfectly. He's often the child who won't even begin to try, or who will rush through and do a deliberately sloppy job, because he's afraid that if he tries he'll still fail. At least if he doesn't try, then he hasn't invested anything of himself in the project.

Right now your son might be happier in a non-competitive, non-team sport, like Martial Arts. But keep in mind that children change so much as they grow - right now he's a shy little boy, but you don't know what he'll be like in 8 or 10 years. My daughter was a complete extrovert at 6, and people kept asking us if she was hyperactive, she was so loud and bouncy. Now at 14 she's the quiet, introverted kid in class, who's happy to do her own thing without bothering anyone else. I'd never have guessed the change could be so dramatic!

 

[stm61]

I am a teacher and also the mother of twins, but mine are fraternal girls. They were preemies and qualified for the district's preschool special ed program at 3. I requested they be put in different classes to help avoid the competition you're seeing. The only time they were together was in 5k, and that was only because I wanted them in the spec ed class and they only had 1. Anyway, the reason I wanted them seperated, besides the competition, was because one seemed brighter and picked up on things quicker, even though their IQ scores were only a point or 2 different. The "slower" one was also to dependent on her sister socially. The twin that seemed to be a little brighter always got better grades and was on honor roll every semester, while her sister always missed honor roll by a few grades. Until this year, 5th grade. This year the "slower" sister has been honor roll every semester, while her "brighter" sister has come home with C's and even a few D's. What changed? Things just seemed to click for the "slower" one, while the "brighter" one got lazy. Getting better grades then her sister has greatly improved the "slower" twin's self-confidence and self-esteem. It's also driving her sister crazy, so middle school should be very interesting lol.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have boy/girl twins also, now in middle school. Your description reminds me of mine at that age. (I think it's probably not uncommon for boys vs girls, it's just that usually they're not both the same age at the same time.)

I recall my DS making a statement like your DS did, and I didn't even have an older child. DS saw DD enjoying books when he wasn't interested in sitting and reading a book - ever, and to this day, lol - so he made the assumption somehow he wasn't smart. But DH and I squashed that pretty quickly by using ourselves as examples - we are "smart" in different ways and our children are very much a reflection of us: my DH could build/fix/solve just about anything, while I'm more the academic type. It's important that children understand this. Not everyone is meant to sit and read, and that's by no means a reflection of intelligence.

FWIW, we continued to read books and other things on subjects he enjoyed with him and by 3rd grade, his reading ability caught up, and both of my children have been on the same level academically ever since. (It's really amazing - their report cards throughout school have shown that what he's strong in, she's weaker in, and vice versa, just like my DH and I.) Looking back, I was a little unsure about it, but people told me it would work itself out and it did. DS has also excelled in sports and that's helped him gain confidence in himself. It's important for kids to find something their good at and you can build on it from there.

Good luck.

Have him help you make dinner, "can you get out 3 eggs for me". If I have 1 cup of milk and I need to get to 3 cups, how many more cups of milk do I need, etc. Then it just seems like fun. We always had the kids add our golf score cards for us, they though it was just fun, we knew it was a sneaky way for them to practice their addition every day.

This reminds me I used to do this type of thing with DS at home and in the car and I realized pretty quickly he could fairly easily do math problems in his head and learn things like types of cars, directions, historical facts, etc. It's a great way to build confidence and develop reasoning and other skills.

 

[IDoDis]

thanks everyone! I appreciate all the advice, it does help.

we do try to foster DS6's confidence and point out where he excels, but he seems to really focus on where he struggles. and there are occasions where we've noticed he isn't even struggling, where he is on par with his sister and his peers, he just expects to know the material instantly so gets down on himself. and has a real fear of coming across as not good enough.

am hoping he outgrows it, but also wonder if it is just a huge part of who he is. he has never wanted to play team sports, even though at home he is really good when he plays baseball/soccer/etc with the neighborhood kids. He has stage fright, from what we can determine...plays great when noone is watching, but put a bunch of people around watching him play soccer or something (we tried soccer last fall) and he freaks out. He literally bawled his eyes out and only went onto the field 2x last fall, even though soccer was initially his idea. he was all excited to start t-ball this spring, but when it came time to sign up, he changed his mind.

He is a sweet, loving, warm hearted little boy who is smarter than he thinks he is. he just has a tendency to hold himself back. i think that is what worries me about him. and yeah, I know kids tend to lable, even if we try not to as parents. that is also what concerns me.

I am definitely starting to work more with him at home and I see so much progress. would love to do more with him this summer, so would LOVE any recommendations. I've also asked his teacher and his reading teacher for any recs.

Try starfall.com . It's a great website to help teach letters/sounds and beginning phonics with cute short stories and games. The program will read the "book" out loud while highlighting and stretching out the sounds. There are also fun games on the site for little ones. It's free, too!

 

[lemondog]

I have fraternal girl twins (just finished kindy) who are very different academically and socially.

Twin A is a very happy, social child. I would consider her average academically. She has lots of friends and loves to play.

Twin B is extremely bright. Is reading well beyond her grade level, knows more math facts than her 4th grade sister, etc. However she struggles socially, as I am sure many extremely bright children do. It truly breaks my heart to see her sad when no one will play with her, and when we have friends over to play 99% of the time Twin A ends up playing with the friend while Twin B goes to her room and reads a book alone. I have done a couple of playdates with a friend from Twin B's class and removed Twin A from the house entirely and that worked well, because Twin B was forced to play with the friend and did not have her sister to rely on.

We separated our girls and will continue to keep them separated. Twin A always worries about her sister, and Twin B would cling to her sister if she was given the opportunity. By putting them in separate classes it allows them to each blossom individually and develop their own friendships.

The one thing I have had to really work on is to NOT compare them in my head, academically or otherwise. Just continue to praise each twin for their own accomplishments and gifts and don't ever focus on how one might do one thing better than the other.