Question about making a donation vs. sending flowers for a family member who passed away

[laurajetter]

Although I've attended viewings in the past, it was usually my parents (more specifically, my dad) who made the arrangements to send flowers or donations. I've never done it myself before, and now my dad has passed away and I have some questions for a family member's upcoming viewing. In my mind, flowers seem to be the most popular traditional thing to do, and it's what I'm leaning towards. However, I am aware that sometimes families say "in lieu of flowers, donations can be made to...", in which case it seems obvious to me that you shouldn't send flowers.

In this case though, the obituary from the funeral home simply says that memorial contributions can be made to two different places, but it never says "in lieu of flowers". Would you take that to mean that you should only send contributions, or would sending flowers also be acceptable?

Also, when making a contribution (in this case the two choices were to a high school and a preparatory school), do you just send a check to the address given or is there usually a more official way of making the donation in a specific person's name when you're doing it for a person's funeral? I'm not even sure who the right person to ask is... the funeral home or the school?

Any advice is appreciated!

 

[NYCgrrl]

In this case though, the obituary from the funeral home simply says that memorial contributions can be made to two different places, but it never says "in lieu of flowers".

I’d just follow with the contribution but keep in mind I believe flowers are for the living so that’s my bias showing.

 

[Imzadi]

I think you can make a contribution, "On behalf of (name of deceased person.)"

When it lists contributions only and even lists TWO places, in my opinion, they want contributions. Some people look at the amount of money various mourners spent on flowers which will die in a day or two and how it's a waste of money. That accumulated money could have been doing some good if it had instead been contributed to the charity that is named.

 

[kymom99]

Honestly though flowers are beautiful, they can actually be a burden to the family. After my MILs funeral we stood around her dining room table looking at all the flowers, trying to figure out what to do with all of them.

My family will usually go for the donation. If I’m sending it from home, I send a check with a note saying something like: in memory of …. From….. and include my address. Most places will mail you a thank you that can be used for a tax deduction if it’s a nonprofit. They also pass the information on to the family.

 

[gottalovepluto]

That means they hope you’ll just send contributions instead of burdening them with their umpteenth flower vase but they’re being really polite about it.

If they gave you the address- send the contribution to the address with a note “in memory of”. Don’t burden the family by sending it to the funeral home instead of the address they gave you.

 

[Twilight Sparkle]

I recently lost my youngest brother, and I would have preferred people make donations to a suicide prevention organization, mental health resource, a veterans' support non-profit, or an animal rescue rather than send me flowers. I know people meant well and I did appreciate the gesture, but as the flowers withered and had to be disposed of, my heart broke all over again. Their decomposition felt like a visual representation of his death. I will never again keep flowers sent due to a death. While they are still beautiful, I will pass them on to someone unaffected so they can be enjoyed.

 

[luvthatduke]

... I send a check with a note saying something like: in memory of …. From….. and include my address. Most places will mail you a thank you that can be used for a tax deduction if it’s a nonprofit. They also pass the information on to the family.

THIS. They will also let the family know.

 

[ronandannette]

Often the obituary will link the website of the preferred charities, or it should be fairly easy to look up yourself. Almost all of them have a tab somewhere that says “donate”. The method for memorial donations will likely be very clearly explained. You can likely give on-line and designate the funds in memory of your friend.

 

[WDWEPCOT]

I work for a charity normally they have a website and when you make your donation there will be a spot on the form where you can say that your donation is in memorial or honor of someone and then fill that information
The charity will then send a notification card to that family let them know if you check the box that you wanted the family to know that you have donated normally the amount is not listed just the name and the fact that it was a memorial donation and who the memorial donation was for

This really nice to do this instead of doing flowers for two reasons it doesn’t burden the family with trying to deal with all those flowers and it really helps benefit the charities

Having dealt with this when my mother died I really wish my father would’ve picked the charity the overwhelming amount of flowers at this time to address and deal with was just too much And it seems like such a waste it just would’ve been a whole lot nicer if all those funds could’ve went to a charity just my opinion and it has nothing to do with the fact that I work for a charity just remember this and I was a teenager at that time

 

[aprilgail]

Although I've attended viewings in the past, it was usually my parents (more specifically, my dad) who made the arrangements to send flowers or donations. I've never done it myself before, and now my dad has passed away and I have some questions for a family member's upcoming viewing. In my mind, flowers seem to be the most popular traditional thing to do, and it's what I'm leaning towards. However, I am aware that sometimes families say "in lieu of flowers, donations can be made to...", in which case it seems obvious to me that you shouldn't send flowers.

In this case though, the obituary from the funeral home simply says that memorial contributions can be made to two different places, but it never says "in lieu of flowers". Would you take that to mean that you should only send contributions, or would sending flowers also be acceptable?

Also, when making a contribution (in this case the two choices were to a high school and a preparatory school), do you just send a check to the address given or is there usually a more official way of making the donation in a specific person's name when you're doing it for a person's funeral? I'm not even sure who the right person to ask is... the funeral home or the school?

Any advice is appreciated!

So for my moms funeral we put down in lieu of flowers donations can be made to a specific charity- I work for a charity and we get donations made in peoples names all the time- I send a letter to the person making the donation saying "thank you for your generous donation of 100.00 (or whatever) made in memory of "Joe Smith"- an acknowledgement will be sent to the family. And to the family of the person I send a letter saying "A donation has been made in memory of Joe Smith from Patty Campbell" (no amount listed on that one). When making a donation to someplace in someones memory or honor I always include a note stating why I am making the donation and the name/address to please send a letter to letting them know.

 

[Christine]

So, a lot of people are trending away from flowers. Many more people are being cremated these days. Recall that the flowers that we all used to provide would travel to the cemetary and would be piled on top of the freshly dug grave as part of the send off. Some cemetaries don't even allow this anymore but with the uptick in cremation, there's really nothing to do with the flowers. Most times the flowers you send are either given to a church to put in the chapel or sent over to nursing homes, etc.

So if the family was asking for donations and I knew there was specifically no burial, I'd skip the flowers. Not sure I'd do both because flowers are expensive and I'd prefer if I was to donate to give the whole thing.

Most of my donations have gone through organizations and they let the person know that something was donated in their name. Not sure what happens when you do so to a smaller organization.

 

[thanxfornoticin]

We'd skip the flowers and make the donation. Typically, the donation is going to something that was very important to the deceased, so donating in their memory is definitely the preference.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

Although I've attended viewings in the past, it was usually my parents (more specifically, my dad) who made the arrangements to send flowers or donations. I've never done it myself before, and now my dad has passed away and I have some questions for a family member's upcoming viewing. In my mind, flowers seem to be the most popular traditional thing to do, and it's what I'm leaning towards. However, I am aware that sometimes families say "in lieu of flowers, donations can be made to...", in which case it seems obvious to me that you shouldn't send flowers.

In this case though, the obituary from the funeral home simply says that memorial contributions can be made to two different places, but it never says "in lieu of flowers". Would you take that to mean that you should only send contributions, or would sending flowers also be acceptable?

Also, when making a contribution (in this case the two choices were to a high school and a preparatory school), do you just send a check to the address given or is there usually a more official way of making the donation in a specific person's name when you're doing it for a person's funeral? I'm not even sure who the right person to ask is... the funeral home or the school?

Any advice is appreciated!

I'd send a donation and no flowers. I've sent many donations. When I wrote the check, I'd write "in memory of (insert name). But with all the recent problems with check washing, I now get a check from the bank. The bank does all the work. They put in who/where it goes to and will put the "in memory of" or whatever you want to say on it. I always send those check UPS .

 

[HopperFan]

Just had two in-laws' parents pass away within days. DH said, what do we do? Do we send flowers? I had already sent cards to all their children. That will be the extent of it. We will attend the one funeral, the other was long distance, and I didn't know them.

This whole event has been evolving and changing drastically over the years. Flowers are very expensive for what you get and end up in the trash. The receivers might not even really see them or appreciate them. Having been though it, receiving them and having a house full of flowers, it is not something I would do. If there is ANY charity listed as an option that would always be my choice over flowers, IF I'm going to spend money.

I don't think spending money is any gauge to our sympathy ~ I think sending a card, letter etc is the extra effort and meaning, it is personal. After we attend the funeral next week I will follow up with a more personal letter to a couple of the children with my personal message, my memories of her and how special she was. Often as soon as a funeral is over it seems folks are like "I went, I bought flowers, back to life" and the family left behind is often having their hardest weeks. My Mom passed a few years ago and we had private graveside for immediate only. I was really surprised how almost all family, friends etc who knew her very well made no acknowledgement. I didn't need flowers or donations. I would have loved a card, note, letter with their personal words, caring or sharing of a special story. It was a reality check, but I will continue to send cards and messages. And to those few I received, they meant everything.

 

[OrangeBirdGirl]

I always do a donation as well instead of flowers for all the reasons others stated. However, I am never sending the donation right to the organization. I always have a card and put the check (made out to the organization) in the card. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that if it appears to be a burden on the family to then transfer the check on? I guess I just assumed the family collected all these donations and sent at once (or dropped off if a local charity).

 

[DisneyHardin]

Another vote for a donation. When my Grandma died, we got so many flowers and plants that we couldn't even take them all home. We ended up taking a bunch of them to the nursing home where she had lived in her final days. Looking back, we definitely should have suggested a charity in the obituary.

 

[tvguy]

Donation. Flowers seem like such a waste to me. I love them in my garden, still attached to the plant, but not otherwise.

 

[MICKIMINI]

A charitable donation is better IMO.

 

[ncc1701]

Donation. In my immediate family we have been doing that since my Maternal Grandmom died 40+ years ago. The few people that did send flowers were close family/ friends . DH & I have done donations for family & friends. The only time I have done flowers was after a close friend's Mom died. We made a donation but then sent her flowers to her home the next week.

 

[ncc1701]

Although I've attended viewings in the past, it was usually my parents (more specifically, my dad) who made the arrangements to send flowers or donations. when making a contribution (in this case the two choices were to a high school and a preparatory school), do you just send a check to the address given or is there usually a more official way of making the donation in a specific person's name when you're doing it for a person's funeral? I'm not even sure who the right person to ask is... the funeral home or the school?

Any advice is appreciated!

I usually write a note card saying who it is in memory of X. & put in the check . You can also check their website , many have a place you can write the reason for your donation.