PSA: please don't comment on my tall child's height (vent)

[mefordis]

Is your dd involved in any sports or activities where her height could help her? My dd is a dancer and let me tell you, her height is a definite asset. When executed well, dance moves stand out beautifully when someone has long limbs.

Thank you for all the replies. It has been helpful to be reminded that these are just compliments and/or people making conversation. It is also nice to hear from those who have btdt and how they handled it/felt about it.

First, let me say that I am not offended by the comments, nor do I or DD respond in any manner that is impolite. We always respond graciously and appropriately. I hope I did not give the impression that I am telling people off left and right or berating them afterward. DD has no clue that I have even thought about the comments. It just gets old after a while. I agree with others that a compliment about something that you can actually control is a better compliment. I don’t think I really comment on people’s personal appearance much, except maybe clothes they selected or maybe a hairstyle. Even then, I’m not complimenting their hair, but the style. I do compliment people’s effort, thoughtfulness, etc. Even for sports ability, while some is nature, there is certainly some effort/practice involved.

I guess what bothers me most about the comments is when they are a backhanded compliment.

You’re really tall. You must eat a lot.

I bet your parents have to buy you new pants every week.

She’s so tall and skinny. How can you find clothes to fit her?

You wear a size 9 shoe? Soon you can just wear the boxes.

When are you going to stop growing?

Or last night’s comment: Your parents aren’t unusually tall. I wonder where you get it.

All meant as compliments/comments, but then DD starts making comments about how her feet are too big. Even bigger than her teacher’s. I know people mean well, but as people have pointed out, it is not generally accepted to comment on just any or all physical characteristics that make people different. I hadn’t thought about this before. (Really, I hadn’t thought much about this at all until I wrote this on a whim.) For some reason, it is o.k. to comment on tall or short stature. I’m not sure why.

I think DD’s age has also promoted some of my awareness. She is becoming more aware of differences and her body, as just a natural stage in development. She has been making comments lately about her height and feet, not always positive. I certainly promote a positive body image, and I don’t see any problems developing there. She compares her height to mine and looks forward to being taller. I think she has her eyes on some of my shoes, too.

o.k. I feel I am digging a deeper hole.

Thanks again for the comments. You can always count on some thought provoking responses here.

 

[indimom]

While everyone is at it, please don't comment on how short my sons are. It should come as no surprise if you know me at all. I am 5'4" and my husband is 5'6. My sons hate it. Why would "you" think that'd appreciate being told how short they are?

My husband is also 5'6" and I'm 5'4". I wonder if our sons are similar in height? Luckily, my 4'11" 13yo hasn't acted upset about his height in ages. Not since he was 8 and couldn't ride the bumper cars at Kings Island while his almost 5yo cousin could.

Agree. My DH is 5'4 and hears short jokes all the time. It doesn't ruin his day, he's gotten used to it by now, but he'd rather not hear it, thanks. I also agree with the OP, and am honestly surprised at some of the remarks. If I had the tallest child in the class, and it was constantly being remarked upon, yup it would bother me too. Not everyone is meaning it as a compliment. Last week we were at our youngest DS kindergarten show and one mom there was a good 5'10' and had high heels on - so she was probably 6'1 or so. She towered over every woman and many men there. Someone in the row behind us whispered 'geez I'm glad I'm not a giant like that'. So, no, not everyone wants to be tall, or constantly hear that they are, indeed that tall.
I also agree with PP's that suggest helping her be proud of herself and her attributes and not let what anyone says make her feel badly about herself. She cannot do anything about it, so help her to embrace it and hopefully as she gets older the comments will ease up -- seems that more people feel free to comment to a child (or child's parents) than they would to an adult with a stand-out attribute.

I agree.

When I hear comments like that I think people are just trying to make conversation with someone who they know nothing about. Think of it as the kid version of how's the weather. . With my oldest it was how tall he was, my youngest gets comments on his long curly hair, my best friend in high school always received comments on her red hair. You can teach your kids to look fo offense where none is intended, or you can teach your kids to go with the flow, and take it for what it is, a casual comment from a stranger.

I agree. I think it's also possible that some people (like my family) may be truly impressed/jealous. I have a nephew who is 12yo and is 6'4" (last I heard). I'm now ashamed to admit, I've commented on how fast he is shooting up or how he's now taller than his dad, etc. etc, and now am wondering if I've offended him. But, his growth is just so different than my two short kids, it just amazes me and I tend to comment on it whenever I see him.

When my nephew was 9, he was the tallest kid in his class, and he just kept growing. He's over 6 feet now, and clumsy as an ox! (Love you, kiddo! )

He was constantly getting told how tall he was, but as he was also a bit of a comedian (or, as we said at the time, "smarty pants"), he came up with a whole batch of responses.

Stranger: "Wow -- you're tall for a kid!"
Nephew: "Actually, I'm tall for an adult!"

Stranger: "You're quite tall!"
Nephew (looking amazed): "I know, right?"

Stranger: "You're so tall ... do you play basketball?"
Nephew: "No ... I didn't want anything to interfere with my Guinness Book of World Records title."

Stranger: "How did you get to be so tall?"
Nephew: "I spent too much time in the stretching room at Disney World."

He had about three dozen comments, and came up with new ones as he got older. I think he just got a kick out of peoples' faces when he responded to what he used to call their "Obvious Department of Obviousness" comments. He was always polite about it, but the people would always kind of blush and go, "Oh ... yeah ... duh ... I guess you know that." And then they'd change the subject.

The only time it ever bugged him was when we went shopping. He hated that all his clothes were more expensive than "normal" sizes. I reminded him that they needed more material for Big & Tall shirts and pants, so it wasn't like they were scamming him. But it still bugged him.

I love this solution and think it is probably the most helpful. Not only will the OP's daughter "own it" but it gives her a way to subtly indicate to others that she may not appreciate their comments without being impolite.

Thank you for all the replies. It has been helpful to be reminded that these are just compliments and/or people making conversation. It is also nice to hear from those who have btdt and how they handled it/felt about it.

First, let me say that I am not offended by the comments, nor do I or DD respond in any manner that is impolite. We always respond graciously and appropriately. I hope I did not give the impression that I am telling people off left and right or berating them afterward. DD has no clue that I have even thought about the comments. It just gets old after a while. I agree with others that a compliment about something that you can actually control is a better compliment. I dont think I really comment on peoples personal appearance much, except maybe clothes they selected or maybe a hairstyle. Even then, Im not complimenting their hair, but the style. I do compliment peoples effort, thoughtfulness, etc. Even for sports ability, while some is nature, there is certainly some effort/practice involved.

I guess what bothers me most about the comments is when they are a backhanded compliment.

Youre really tall. You must eat a lot.

I bet your parents have to buy you new pants every week.

Shes so tall and skinny. How can you find clothes to fit her?

You wear a size 9 shoe? Soon you can just wear the boxes.

When are you going to stop growing?

Or last nights comment: Your parents arent unusually tall. I wonder where you get it.

All meant as compliments/comments, but then DD starts making comments about how her feet are too big. Even bigger than her teachers. I know people mean well, but as people have pointed out, it is not generally accepted to comment on just any or all physical characteristics that make people different. I hadnt thought about this before. (Really, I hadnt thought much about this at all until I wrote this on a whim.) For some reason, it is o.k. to comment on tall or short stature. Im not sure why.

I think DDs age has also promoted some of my awareness. She is becoming more aware of differences and her body, as just a natural stage in development. She has been making comments lately about her height and feet, not always positive. I certainly promote a positive body image, and I dont see any problems developing there. She compares her height to mine and looks forward to being taller. I think she has her eyes on some of my shoes, too.

o.k. I feel I am digging a deeper hole.

Thanks again for the comments. You can always count on some thought provoking responses here.

Nah. It's hard not to be bothered when your child is upset by something. And kids go through stages and ages when they will be bothered. By something.
I was always sensitive about my unruly curly hair My grandfather described it as frowzy when I was about 8-10. I didn't know what that meant and asked my cousin, who was a teacher. I'm now 40 and I still remember that word, although I've never heard another person use it. (For the record, it means unkempt and slovenly...)

Nowadays, I rock my curls when I want to and straighten them when they are out of control. I've taken control of that issue. Give your girl some responses she is comfortable using and make sure to give positive comments when you can to counterbalance any negative impressions she is getting about her height.

Good Luck Mom. I for one didn't mind this PSA. I may be guilty of doing the same thing to my nephew and I'll now make sure I comment on something other than his height the next time I see him. Couldn't hurt!

 

[Katy Belle]

DS18 has always been tall. He's done growing now, we think. He's about 6' 4 1/2 " People have always commented on his height. And he's a big guy. So people always ask if he plays basketball or football. He tells them he plays Tuba. Which is the truth. Its never bothered him that people comment on his height. Maybe its because he's a boy?

When he was a toddler, he was tall, well, he's always been tall. I used to get annoyed at people expecting a lot more out of him because he appeared to be older than he was. One of my friends at church tells a story of a lady going on and on about my son still having a pacifier and how he was much too old for that. My friend asked this woman how old she thought my son was. She said, "At least 5!" He had just turned 2.

DS13 has been tall too, but not the tallest in the class. He's grown about 4" since February and finished the year as the tallest in his grade. He's thrilled!

 

[FireDancer]

If you are taller or shorter than average you will get comments. It just is what it is. My brothers and I were always among the shortest in each grade but we didn't let comments bother us. If you are confident in yourself you don't care if you are short, tall, or average height and you sure as heck don't care about other people's comments.

It does get tiring to hear the same unoriginal things over and over but whatever. I'm sure if your name is Michael Bolton you get tired of the celebrity jokes, even if you celebrate the guy's entire catalogue.

 

[Enchanted Minnie]

I haven't read all the replies so I apologize if I'm repeating! My kiddos are on the short side so we sometimes have the opposite problem. But I worked at my sons' school for two years. In the 3rd grade class I was in there was a little girl who was almost as tall as me. She was very shy and withdrawn. Anytime anyone, adult or kid would say something about her height you could see her slink down. The teacher I worked with was great. At school picture time it was time for the group picture shot. And where does this little girl always get put? In the very back in the middle, every time. So the teacher had everyone else in the back row get on stools so it looked like they were the same height as her. Then she put her on the side of the row. You should have seen that kid light up!

She always was told she should play basketball. And she was on my twins team one year. But bless her heart her coordination hadn't caught up to her height yet. She is an excellent swimmer and decided that was the sport for her. So just because she had the height didn't automatically make her a WNBA player. Good for her to find something that made her happy and she had confidence in.

I guess being taller for someone's age is one of those things that it gets old when that's the first thing someone notices about you. I know one of my friends has a little boy with bright red hair and the first question from everyone is "where did he get that red hair?!"

 

[SeeDisney]

I have a huge handful of girlfriends told me that they were always the tallest girl in their elementary school and stop growing in the 5th grade. And their final height is between 5"2 and 5"4.

This could be the case with your young daugthers and soon they'll never hear those words ago.

I was the complete opposite, I was one of the shortest girls in my elementary school years and grow alot in puberty to the proud height of 5'9".

 

[Yellowstonetim]

I have a very tall cousin. When she was younger she had a standard answer to the basketball question. My 5'6" father asked, "Do you like basketball?" She looked down at him and said, "No, do you like miniature golf?" He got the message and always told this story himself.

 

[Hrhpd]

I believe they say it as a compliment. Who doesn't want to be tall?

Why take it the wrong way, and not as a compliment?

Exactly. It is all about how you teach your children to take a compliment.

My kids were always tall for their age and also received lots of "you are tall" or "you are a big guy, do you play football?"

They LOVED it. It made them feel special, different. All their relatives were tall, so they knew they were going to be tall like them.

I think they had this attitude though because we also thought it was special. After doctor's appts, we would laugh and go out for ice cream celebrating "Yup, still in the 99th percentile for height."

Make it something positive, not something you have to dread.

 

[NHdisneylover]

So what is the issue?

Are no comments on physical characteristics allowed? In my family that would mean no comments on DH'd height, or how i am a foot shorter than him, or DD's height until recently (she topped out at 5'9"), how much DD looks like her dad, DD's hair, DS's big feet or long eye lashes or how thin he used to be or how tall he is now, my hair, my eyes, how short i am compared to my family, etc

and let's see, complimenting clothes leads to materialism

and commenting on someone's name might bother them--maybe they don't like their name.

asking where they go to school? Maybe the child has severe anxiety and has to be homeschooled or use an online school and the question will make them uncomfortable (FYI--you think that is a stretch? This IS one of my kids, but she knows how to politely answer and knows it is just a small talk thing nad not meant to make her uncomfortable and she is working on not minding it at all).

Seriously, some of you people would leave virtually nothing for people who are not very close friends to talk about--and you;ll never MAKE very close friends if you cannot talk to people.

 

[Southernmiss]

So what is the issue?

Are no comments on physical characteristics allowed? In my family that would mean no comments on DH'd height, or how i am a foot shorter than him, or DD's height until recently (she topped out at 5'9"), how much DD looks like her dad, DD's hair, DS's big feet or long eye lashes or how thin he used to be or how tall he is now, my hair, my eyes, how short i am compared to my family, etc

and let's see, complimenting clothes leads to materialism

and commenting on someone's name might bother them--maybe they don't like their name.

asking where they go to school? Maybe the child has severe anxiety and has to be homeschooled or use an online school and the question will make them uncomfortable (FYI--you think that is a stretch? This IS one of my kids, but she knows how to politely answer and knows it is just a small talk thing nad not meant to make her uncomfortable and she is working on not minding it at all).

Seriously, some of you people would leave virtually nothing for people who are not very close friends to talk about--and you;ll never MAKE very close friends if you cannot talk to people.

Great post but...

You left out the weather. It might be too hot or too cold or too sunny or windy or too dry or too wet. Lol

 

[heatherleigh]

So what is the issue?

Are no comments on physical characteristics allowed? In my family that would mean no comments on DH'd height, or how i am a foot shorter than him, or DD's height until recently (she topped out at 5'9"), how much DD looks like her dad, DD's hair, DS's big feet or long eye lashes or how thin he used to be or how tall he is now, my hair, my eyes, how short i am compared to my family, etc

and let's see, complimenting clothes leads to materialism

and commenting on someone's name might bother them--maybe they don't like their name.

asking where they go to school? Maybe the child has severe anxiety and has to be homeschooled or use an online school and the question will make them uncomfortable (FYI--you think that is a stretch? This IS one of my kids, but she knows how to politely answer and knows it is just a small talk thing nad not meant to make her uncomfortable and she is working on not minding it at all).

Seriously, some of you people would leave virtually nothing for people who are not very close friends to talk about--and you;ll never MAKE very close friends if you cannot talk to people.

Agreed!

 

[kellyjeanie]

So what is the issue?

Are no comments on physical characteristics allowed? In my family that would mean no comments on DH'd height, or how i am a foot shorter than him, or DD's height until recently (she topped out at 5'9"), how much DD looks like her dad, DD's hair, DS's big feet or long eye lashes or how thin he used to be or how tall he is now, my hair, my eyes, how short i am compared to my family, etc

and let's see, complimenting clothes leads to materialism

and commenting on someone's name might bother them--maybe they don't like their name.

asking where they go to school? Maybe the child has severe anxiety and has to be homeschooled or use an online school and the question will make them uncomfortable (FYI--you think that is a stretch? This IS one of my kids, but she knows how to politely answer and knows it is just a small talk thing nad not meant to make her uncomfortable and she is working on not minding it at all).

Seriously, some of you people would leave virtually nothing for people who are not very close friends to talk about--and you;ll never MAKE very close friends if you cannot talk to people.

You're taking it to an extreme. It just means being aware of the words you're saying and how they affect other people. I agree it's best to realize that there's no malicious intent behind the words most people say, and to work on that, but it's a process. However, the words you say still matter.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Great post but...

You left out the weather. It might be too hot or too cold or too sunny or windy or too dry or too wet. Lol

You're taking it to an extreme. It just means being aware of the words you're saying and how they affect other people. I agree it's best to realize that there's no malicious intent behind the words most people say, and to work on that, but it's a process. However, the words you say still matter.

I don't think I am taking it to an extreme. If the issue is that people do not want to hear the same thing over and over again (and that pretty much knocks out talking about the weather too) or anything that someone might POSSIBLY be self conscious about (as if i could possibly know what someone else's insecurities are), then what IS okay?

 

[kellyjeanie]

I don't think I am taking it to an extreme. If the issue is that people do not want to hear the same thing over and over again (and that pretty much knocks out talking about the weather too) or anything that someone might POSSIBLY be self conscious about (as if i could possibly know what someone else's insecurities are), then what IS okay?

So what you're saying is you don't really care about other people's insecurities, you're not interested in watching what you say? I'm not saying that someone shouldn't develop thicker skin to the careless things they're bound to hear about their odd name, height differential, whatever, but on the other hand, if you commented on a child's height and watched their face fall because it was a sore spot with them, you'd pat yourself on the back for giving them a learning experience?

Honestly, if you met someone with an odd name, it seems a little silly to comment on it once again, not likely to win you any points with them, even if they aren't self-conscious about it.

It's one thing to chat about the weather, but if someone has an obvious difference, don't you think they've heard it a thousand times before and might feel self-conscious about it? Sure, some don't, but some of us aren't as comfortable in our own skin and don't appreciate it being pointed out.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

The tallest girl in our 5th grade class was one of the shorter students by the time we reached HS.
Maybe your kids won't have to hear that forever.....

My daughter was always one of the tallest kids. And then in 5th grade she stopped growing. Has only grown one inch since then. And at almost 18 she's 5'1". And she will fight you for that one inch. She HATES it and I feel badly for her. I'm 5'5" and my DH is 5'10". And she does get treated like a kid because she looks like a kid. Nothing worse than some 7 year old who towers over her.

 

[NHdisneylover]

So what you're saying is you don't really care about other people's insecurities, you're not interested in watching what you say? I'm not saying that someone shouldn't develop thicker skin to the careless things they're bound to hear about their odd name, height differential, whatever, but on the other hand, if you commented on a child's height and watched their face fall because it was a sore spot with them, you'd pat yourself on the back for giving them a learning experience?

Honestly, if you met someone with an odd name, it seems a little silly to comment on it once again, not likely to win you any points with them, even if they aren't self-conscious about it.

It's one thing to chat about the weather, but if someone has an obvious difference, don't you think they've heard it a thousand times before and might feel self-conscious about it? Sure, some don't, but some of us aren't as comfortable in our own skin and don't appreciate it being pointed out.

Oh for goodness sakes, and you accused ME of taking things to an extreme

No, of course, I would not pat myself on the back is a child's face fell in response to any comment I made. But I would not feel it meant the comment was an issue and I should ever comment on a similar thing to another person. I would think the child seems very insecure, or petulant (depending on the face) and not generalize it to others. And, I CARE but I do not think I (or anyone) should be required to try to guess what random things people might be insecure about, things that are not normally issues for normal people with halfway decent self esteem. How could I possibly guess them?

Interesting example you picked about unusual names. Mine is Hadley. Until about 5 years ago most people had never heard of it. Most people comment on it being unusual. Many ask where I got it from or ask if it is a boy's name or whatever. I never mind at all and am happy to explain that i am named after Hemmingway's first wife.
My kids have unusual names too (Marika and Rio) and both get comments on them and neither has ever seemed to mind.

My husband is 6'5" and very broad shouldered and people comment on his size all the time, he takes it as a compliment and has no issue with it. Oh, and lately people tell him he reminds them of the actor who plays Marshall on How I Met Your Mother. Again, he is fine with it and plays it up.

The concept of being upset with someone for commenting on an obvious feature, unless the person was just really rude and said something like "what an ugly name, why on earth would your parents give you that" or "OMG how horrendous to be so freakishly tall" is just completely foreign to me--and the concept of justifying that type of reaction if my child had one and wanting others to stop making normal conversation is even more so.

 

[Laura66]

So what is the issue?

Are no comments on physical characteristics allowed? In my family that would mean no comments on DH'd height, or how i am a foot shorter than him, or DD's height until recently (she topped out at 5'9"), how much DD looks like her dad, DD's hair, DS's big feet or long eye lashes or how thin he used to be or how tall he is now, my hair, my eyes, how short i am compared to my family, etc

and let's see, complimenting clothes leads to materialism

and commenting on someone's name might bother them--maybe they don't like their name.

asking where they go to school? Maybe the child has severe anxiety and has to be homeschooled or use an online school and the question will make them uncomfortable (FYI--you think that is a stretch? This IS one of my kids, but she knows how to politely answer and knows it is just a small talk thing nad not meant to make her uncomfortable and she is working on not minding it at all).

Seriously, some of you people would leave virtually nothing for people who are not very close friends to talk about--and you;ll never MAKE very close friends if you cannot talk to people.

Ohmygosh! Finally a voice of reason! Well said!

 

[sandynd]

It is not like they are saying "WOW you are fat'.

I was thinking that as I read the OP, except I was also thinking, that's probably what first springs to mind for many people when they meet me!!

 

[sandynd]

I have red hair. It's the pretty strawberry blond hair and I was blessed with it not changing as I got older. Not only have I always dealt with comments, but people think it is ok to TOUCH my hair. I have had more than one complete stranger twirl my hair or pet it like a dog.

I feel your pain there!! My hair is very long, almost to my ankles. People at work used to TUG it!! I wear it up in a bun all the time now. Kind of defeats the reason I grew it so long, but at least people keep their hands to themselves!

 

[Bob NC]

My name is the same as a restaurant chain.

I am in sales, I meet a lot of people, and I hear comments about it every single day.

I guess I could be offended, or hurt that people keep bringing up the same thing all the time, but ya know what? I'm just not.

I'm just not.

I guess I could be.

But I'm not.