PSA: please don't comment on my tall child's height (vent)

[christineann]

I was considered tall when I was growing up, and I'm just over 5'9". My daughter measured at 6' at her 12 year checkup and grew 3 more inches by high school. She was rescued out of middle school basketball by an awesome coach and was able to take advantage of her height. She loves being tall, and the only disadvantage in her eyes is trying to find skirts/pants/dresses long enough and cute shoes. People say stuff to her about her height, but she doesn't mind.

There are some websites for clothes for tall girls, but you have to look pretty hard to find clothes for young girls who are tall.

 

[heatherleigh]

I hope I'm not doing any damage to my 5 yr old emotionally. She is almost the same height as her older sister, and I will comment on her tallness sometimes. People are always shocked by her age, and I'll make a remark abt her being tall. I guess everyone is sensitive to different things. I thought being tall was a positive thing. Different things are considered attractive in different cultures, so I shouldn't assume everyone appreciates height like I do.

 

[heatherleigh]

One more question- is it okay to comment on a boy being tall? Or can that also be considered rude? Does this apply to both genders, or only female children?

 

[benji2012]

I completely understand. Compliment or not, I think kids go through a stage where they just want to be like everyone else and are self-conscious about anything, good or bad, that makes them stand out from their peers. I know I tend to comment on such things, too, wanting to be nice and just basically looking for something to say, but I guess I should be more careful about that.

This. My oldest niece is almost 12, and could pass for 8 or 9, she is tiny; and hated being called small or short for a long time. She doesn't love it now; but she tolerates it. I do try and be conscious of what characteristics I notice about a child; but I think it's a good life lesson to learn...how you interpret what someone is saying, is not always their intent. They usually mean these sorts of things as a compliment.

 

[manhattanman]

I see it as a compliment. Being tall is a geat thing. My 6 year old daughter is the tallest in her class (towers over boys and girls). I'm only 5'2 and she is already up to my neck. She hates being tall becuase she always ends up in the back of the line but I tell her "that means you can see over everyone!". Next time someone mentions basketball, say "no my daughter will be a model!"

How is being tall a " great" thing ? Its not like the kids are going home and lying down on a rack to get taller. Its largely genetic and beyond their control.
Would you say the same thing about skin color ( i.e to an albino child).

Even if they didnt like being tall its not like something they can control. I'm not tall ( 6 even) but I find the notion of complementing a child over something that they have no control over a little ridiculous and to be frank isnt really a compliment at all.

 

[heatherleigh]

A child doesn't have control over their looks. Does that make it wrong to say how cute they are? Since they're genetically attractive, we shouldn't compliment them?

People can be super sensitive these days. I never thought to be offended years ago when people would ask me "where are you from? Is your family from there?" I knew what they really wanted to know- "what race are you"? It would get annoying sometimes, but I just figured it made me interesting and I should take it as a compliment. No harm

 

[GigglyFigment]

This is going to happen all through their lives. People will always comment on the obvious - height, weight, interest, etc. If it's not "Wow you're tall" it'll be "Wow you're nerdy" or "Wow you're ________."

Yes, it's annoying to have obvious traits pointed out/commented on, but frequently people start conversations with what they know. I can't stop the world from pointing out that I'm short or a little bit nerdy or that I take things way too literally and ruin jokes. It's the way I am and I accept it.

It'll be far more helpful for your children to embrace their attributes and learn to cope with people who comment on the obvious. They'll have to deal with the same comments as an adult and they'll be much better off if they get practice coping with them now rather than later.

Some people will mean it negatively, but those sorts of people tend to be negative in general and if not for height it'd be something else. And again, those sorts of people are around all the time - classmate, colleague, cousin, boss. And whether we're tall, short, curly-haired, etc., everyone has to deal/cope with people like that.

As a child, I had bad interactions with kids who had physical stigmas - height, heterochromia - because their parents had reinforced the idea that any comment was mean/insulting/bullying. It made it difficult for them to have any friends because the other kids were afraid that anything they said to them would be misconstrued...so they just stopped interacting with them.

 

[wvjules]

Seriously? Another unoffensive thing to be offended by....

 

[ckay87]

How is being tall a " great" thing ? Its not like the kids are going home and lying down on a rack to get taller. Its largely genetic and beyond their control.
Would you say the same thing about skin color ( i.e to an albino child).

Even if they didnt like being tall its not like something they can control. I'm not tall ( 6 even) but I find the notion of complementing a child over something that they have no control over a little ridiculous and to be frank isnt really a compliment at all.

Well I don't know.... would you consider being called "beautiful" or "handsome" a compliment even though that, too, is pretty much genetic? Most people consider such a comment flattering (or at least recognize that the intention is to flatter).

So now the rule is you can only compliment people on things that they can actually control? Good Lord, I can't keep track of all the rules. Probably best not to talk to people at all anymore.

I just find this all so ridiculous, I'm sorry. Compliment or not, this is one of those cases where it's best just to teach the kid to have a spine. It's certainly not a comment derogatory or offensive in nature and frankly, that's all that matters.

 

[htmom]

I'm not sure I understand the whole please don't say certain things like this to our kids. My son is not on the chart for height or weight. He is eleven and fifty lbs. Sure he gets comments on it. But as a parent it is my job to let him know we are all different and differences are what make us special. Not my job to tell others what and what not to say.

 

[Axelrodb1]

Someone may have already said this but my friend is very tall as an adult and people always stop him and make remarks and even for him it gets annoying for him as well so I can totally understand.

 

[WDSearcher]

When my nephew was 9, he was the tallest kid in his class, and he just kept growing. He's over 6 feet now, and clumsy as an ox! (Love you, kiddo! )

He was constantly getting told how tall he was, but as he was also a bit of a comedian (or, as we said at the time, "smarty pants"), he came up with a whole batch of responses.

Stranger: "Wow -- you're tall for a kid!"
Nephew: "Actually, I'm tall for an adult!"

Stranger: "You're quite tall!"
Nephew (looking amazed): "I know, right?"

Stranger: "You're so tall ... do you play basketball?"
Nephew: "No ... I didn't want anything to interfere with my Guinness Book of World Records title."

Stranger: "How did you get to be so tall?"
Nephew: "I spent too much time in the stretching room at Disney World."

He had about three dozen comments, and came up with new ones as he got older. I think he just got a kick out of peoples' faces when he responded to what he used to call their "Obvious Department of Obviousness" comments. He was always polite about it, but the people would always kind of blush and go, "Oh ... yeah ... duh ... I guess you know that." And then they'd change the subject.

The only time it ever bugged him was when we went shopping. He hated that all his clothes were more expensive than "normal" sizes. I reminded him that they needed more material for Big & Tall shirts and pants, so it wasn't like they were scamming him. But it still bugged him.

 

[Minnesota!]

I believe they say it as a compliment. Who doesn't want to be tall?

Why take it the wrong way, and not as a compliment?

I agree!

Of all the things to complain about.

I'm 5'9.5". My husband is 6'5". My son, age 7 1/2, is 4'7". If we were offended every time someone mentioned our height, we wouldn't have time for anything else in life.

And, again, I agree.

I just don't get the over sensitivity people display about the STUPIDEST stuff. My kids are very tall. DH is 6'6. Never once has any of the millions of comments we have heard on their size...been construed as annoying, degrading, offensive.

 

[Minerva Mouse]

I completely understand what you’re saying. My former supervisors, daughter, is super skinny. I would typically call her skinny mini, when I would see her and I never meant any harm to her about it. BUT, my supervisor later pointed out that she was very self conscious about her weight and that it upset her when people would comment on how skinny she was.

Me, I’m Pooh sized and if someone said to me, Wow you’re really fat. We’d have a problem. But I never took the time to think that skinny people, tall people, short people, etc., etc., might share in my offense for their own reasons.

So I completely understand your vent, and applaud your ability to bring awareness.

 

[manhattanman]

Well I don't know.... would you consider being called "beautiful" or "handsome" a compliment even though that, too, is pretty much genetic? Most people consider such a comment flattering (or at least recognize that the intention is to flatter).

So now the rule is you can only compliment people on things that they can actually control? Good Lord, I can't keep track of all the rules. Probably best not to talk to people at all anymore.

I just find this all so ridiculous, I'm sorry. Compliment or not, this is one of those cases where it's best just to teach the kid to have a spine. It's certainly not a comment derogatory or offensive in nature and frankly, that's all that matters.

people can often spend a great deal of time working on their looks, I think that everyone knows of someone who values their perception and puts in an inordinate amount of time to achieve this ( makeup, hair and to the extreme cosmetic surgery or weight loss). I dont know anyone who does this for height. if the kid busts his but to learn calculus and does, complements are warranted. Would you compliment a kid for say not having sickle cell ?

Complementing a child for their height is akin to going up to a kid and saying " I head your old man got a promotion at work, way to go kid !".
There is a big difference between observation ( which are likely unavoidable) and a complement. I also dont like how this re-enforces the problem of body dismorphia, if you would not compliment an albino for their beautiful alabaster skin, a portly kid for his " strong bone structure" I dont see how commenting on height ( which the kid cannot control) is somehow a complement.

the notion that tall = better and short = somehow deficient is in of itself insulting, but if you want to propogate this lie, be my guest.

 

[Laura66]

Of all the things to be offended by!
Most people are trying to be nice and its meant as a compliment. Does it get old? I'm sure it does! But as a mother you bet I'd be teaching my kid to accept the comment in the manner which it was given and to be gracious and polite!

 

[ckay87]

people can often spend a great deal of time working on their looks, I think that everyone knows of someone who values their perception and puts in an inordinate amount of time to achieve this ( makeup, hair and to the extreme cosmetic surgery or weight loss). I dont know anyone who does this for height. if the kid busts his but to learn calculus and does, complements are warranted. Would you compliment a kid for say not having sickle cell ?

Complementing a child for their height is akin to going up to a kid and saying " I head your old man got a promotion at work, way to go kid !".
There is a big difference between observation ( which are likely unavoidable) and a complement. I also dont like how this re-enforces the problem of body dismorphia, if you would not compliment an albino for their beautiful alabaster skin, a portly kid for his " strong bone structure" I dont see how commenting on height ( which the kid cannot control) is somehow a complement.

the notion that tall = better and short = somehow deficient is in of itself insulting, but if you want to propogate this lie, be my guest.

Ok, whatever, it's not a compliment. It's nice people trying to make conversation. My point from the beginning...you want to give a kid body image problems, go ahead and teach them to be offended by such harmless and well-intentioned comments.

 

[superme80]

OP I understand DH and I were both the shortest in our class growing up. DS #2 is super tiny. He is 2 1/2 and the size of an 18 month old. People always comment on how tiny he is. It gets annoying when people question me about his age. Yes I know when my own child was born. Yes I am aware he is small for his age. Yes the doctors know too. But DS uses it to his advantage. He gets family and friends to feed him, carry him around, and he gets out of trouble he started. He is just like my DH

 

[Sgt Mickey]

When my nephew was 9, he was the tallest kid in his class, and he just kept growing. He's over 6 feet now, and clumsy as an ox! (Love you, kiddo! )

He was constantly getting told how tall he was, but as he was also a bit of a comedian (or, as we said at the time, "smarty pants"), he came up with a whole batch of responses.

Stranger: "Wow -- you're tall for a kid!"
Nephew: "Actually, I'm tall for an adult!"

Stranger: "You're quite tall!"
Nephew (looking amazed): "I know, right?"

Stranger: "You're so tall ... do you play basketball?"
Nephew: "No ... I didn't want anything to interfere with my Guinness Book of World Records title."

Stranger: "How did you get to be so tall?"
Nephew: "I spent too much time in the stretching room at Disney World."

He had about three dozen comments, and came up with new ones as he got older. I think he just got a kick out of peoples' faces when he responded to what he used to call their "Obvious Department of Obviousness" comments. He was always polite about it, but the people would always kind of blush and go, "Oh ... yeah ... duh ... I guess you know that." And then they'd change the subject.

The only time it ever bugged him was when we went shopping. He hated that all his clothes were more expensive than "normal" sizes. I reminded him that they needed more material for Big & Tall shirts and pants, so it wasn't like they were scamming him. But it still bugged him.

This is OWNING it. There are things you can't control and when you own it and give great responses like this it gives others less control. (control what you ask? I mean this for the teasing aspect of it all not that it was mentioned. )!!! I am short I have always heard things about being short. I don't care I like being smaller. Teach her to own it.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

DS16 is 6'4 and has been the tallest kid in class since pre-school. DD13 is 5'8, also the tallest in the younger grades. We're starting to see some kids catch up. They don't mind comments about their height. DD says she loves being tall.

DS doesn't like the sports comments because he has a genetic disorder that accompanies his height (Marfan syndrome) that makes most sports dangerous for him. He doesn't like to go into detail about his health so he just says he doesn't like sports. Sometimes he gets arguments about how good sports are for you and what an advantage his height is.

People also always assumed they were older because of their height and expected them to act accordingly. A cashier once told my daughter she was "too old" for dolls when we bought one for her. She was 5.