Preventing WWIII..? Family Issues...

[dislaney]

Well it sounds like a no win situation as far as telling before or after her blessed event. I wouldn't worry about it - I would just tell everyone when I was comfortable telling everyone. Live your life. Ignore others! I know easier said then done but with people like this you just have to.

Good luck starting your family!

 

[RitaE]

Personally I'd just enjoy the trying to get pregnant part.

 

[eh24fan]

Is it wrong that as I read your OP, I started thinking that it would be FUN to get the Aunt & cousin riled up?? LOL I would see it as a CHALLENGE and enjoy the aftermath. Maybe I'm just a witch though. HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[Frantasmic]

It sounds like your husband could use some Dear Abby advice, like learning to sternly say: Why in the world would you say such a thing!

Or, you play along and state that you just wanted his cousin's child to have a partner in arms.

Don't present it as a competition but as a complement to their situation.

But, really, I'm with other posters: it's your family, you can't let others dictate what and how you feel. It sounds like a lot of his family just accepts this cloddish behaviour and doesn't want to be on their bad side. Some families are like that in the power distribution. Like your husband, it appears many people overlook this attribute in their personalities, so something else about them must be good.

 

[Buckeye Princess]

I wanted to let you know I understand. My family can be the same way. My mother has many brothers and sisters. She and her sisters are all loving, but very judgmental and opinionated people. I remember when my oldest cousin got pregnant my mom saying how terrible it was that it was within a year of my youngest aunt being pregnant. She thought it was awful that my aunt's baby would only have "gasp" one year of being the baby at Christmas. Really? When DH and I decided to have our first our due date was 6 months after one of my older cousins. I'm sure some of my aunts gossiped. But it was what worked for OUR new family. I think it is worth any stress and conflict with your extended family if it means making the right decision for your new growing immediate family. It is hard to just cut ties with family. I've just worked to develop a thick skin and learn to accept that they are that way, they will say certain things, but I will still make the best decisions for me. Whenever we visit my family I now have a vent on the way home with DH, usually laughing a bit at the ridiculousness.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

And he always stands up for himself, but it causes problems with the whole family getting mad at each other. I think he has a hard time with upsetting people...

He's got to cut the cord. Seriously. He doesn't need to sever it, but you guys really should consider spending less time with these people. Still see/talk to them, but turn down the frequency.

Sometimes unpopular decisions must be made and you can't live a happy life if you are constantly worried about stepping on other people's toes! We have a enough to worry about as far as finances, health care, employment, etc are concerned. No need to fuel the fire with personal/familial drama.

His family is nothing but drama. I don't have family, so his seems VERY dramatic to me! That, and everything stresses me out by nature!

You will need to get this under control before you get pregnant! It's not healthy for you OR the growing baby. Being pregnant is very hard on a woman's body. Added stress will only cause you to get sick (run up your blood pressure) and that could kill you and baby. It's not worth it. Period.

Take care of yourself, and keep yourself as happy and healthy as possible for your DH, yourself, and the baby you guys are dreaming of.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Is it wrong that as I read your OP, I started thinking that it would be FUN to get the Aunt & cousin riled up?? LOL I would see it as a CHALLENGE and enjoy the aftermath. Maybe I'm just a witch though. HAHAHAHAHAHA

LOL, this is what my DH said, "Screw them, they can be mad!"

I wanted to let you know I understand. My family can be the same way. My mother has many brothers and sisters. She and her sisters are all loving, but very judgmental and opinionated people. I remember when my oldest cousin got pregnant my mom saying how terrible it was that it was within a year of my youngest aunt being pregnant. She thought it was awful that my aunt's baby would only have "gasp" one year of being the baby at Christmas. Really? When DH and I decided to have our first our due date was 6 months after one of my older cousins. I'm sure some of my aunts gossiped. But it was what worked for OUR new family. I think it is worth any stress and conflict with your extended family if it means making the right decision for your new growing immediate family. It is hard to just cut ties with family. I've just worked to develop a thick skin and learn to accept that they are that way, they will say certain things, but I will still make the best decisions for me. Whenever we visit my family I now have a vent on the way home with DH, usually laughing a bit at the ridiculousness.

Thank you for this! At least I am not alone!

I didn't even THINK of the Christmas thing, but now that I have... OMG... she will be SO MAD that her baby won't be the only baby next Christmas. I am sure this will be the FIRST thing she complains about!

 

[Shmily1]

I agree with Erin. It would definitely be on as a challenge now!! Good luck to you! Oh, and to make it more "fun" for them, why not wait to tell the family at the cousin's baby shower!

 

[akhenaten]

Honestly, we it was so sudden for financial reasons! We were buying a house, and I felt the need to be added onto DH's life insurance policies and as his beneficiary at work. Why a baby now? Because I am quitting my job and it's the perfect time.

:

Makes sense.... thanks for responding!

My DH also avoided confrontation and it did not help in the long run.

You have to just make the best decisions for your family (you , Dh and any children that may come along ) and stick to them. We tried everything, so many compromises, and it was never good enough for my DH sisters. Finally we just said enough and limited our contact... only wish we had done it sooner!!

Good Luck !!!!

 

[cabanafrau]

Congratulations on the start of your journey into parenthood.

The first thing that struck me from your post was not only how far you were letting the cart run downhill from the horse, but how you were projecting such negative onto others regarding a hypothetical. I recommend stepping back, regrouping and realizing your viewpoint may not always be accurate. The fact your husband still has positive feelings for his aunt & cousin really makes me think your perspective on the wedding is perhaps a bit skewed.

 

[Keli]

This would fall under my philosophy that life is just too short for some things.
I would live my life, do what is best for my dh and I in this situation and let the chips fall where they may without worrying about it. And, of course, I wouldn't get upset when other folks do the same thing.

 

[LuvOrlando]

First, congratulations on your decision, I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

If you are concerned about this now, before you are even pregnant, and these domineering people have that much influence over your life and happiness I would also suggest waiting a few months. Pregnancy should be a wonderful time and if these people can do that much damage then I'd side step the trouble.

Mind I'm not saying what I would do myself because it's not about me. If these are your circumstances then it's best to work with them, not buck them.

As an aside, some people, like me, get pregnant the first time the first month off BC pills. When it happened i was stunned because everyone I knew had such troubles, I thought it would take months or years. Anyway... lesson learned was don't assume other people's experiences will have anything to do with you. Don't start unless you want the baby 7-10 months from now.

Good luck

 

[Agri]

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband on how you are going to handle this before you start trying to have a baby. You are obviously very stressed out about this and that is just not good at all for multiple reasons.

His family sounds like a major issue in your relationship with your husband and I think you should work it out before you bring any children into the picture. Your hypothetical children do not deserve to deal with relatives who feel that they are better than other people nor do they deserve to have parents who support such hysterionics.

My grandmother's cousin was very much like your husband's relatives from the sound of it. My grandmother grew up feeling inferior and was subtly bullied by her because everyone continued to support the idea that her cousin's family was "better" than everyone else in the family. Everyone explained away "Oh, it is not right, but that is just how they are," and it had definite consequences in how my grandmother lived her life. Her mother was always supportive of her, but her cousin was always the one they rearranged their celebrations for, etc. Of course, my grandmother raised a daughter who went to college and became a teacher and her cousin's son dropped out of high school and went through job after job, but guess who was considered the "better" child? The son, of course. My mom grew up with the same self-esteem issues because no matter how much you *tell* a child, your actions speak so much louder.

Now, I am not saying this is the definite outcome of *your* situation - I am just giving an example from my personal experience.

 

[Minnie824]

I have a great idea...so, if the timing works out, and you announce it, I assume DH's cousin will have names picked out. If the names were either 'Jack or Jane' when you announce you're pregnant, you should say "We love the names Jack or Jane". LOL that would totally annoy them. I honestly wouldn't worry about them. If they want to act psycho thats their issue. Just enjoy your family and try to ignore them if they're rude.

 

[AKL_Megs]

First, congratulations on your decision, I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

If you are concerned about this now, before you are even pregnant, and these domineering people have that much influence over your life and happiness I would also suggest waiting a few months. Pregnancy should be a wonderful time and if these people can do that much damage then I'd side step the trouble.

Mind I'm not saying what I would do myself because it's not about me. If these are your circumstances then it's best to work with them, not buck them.

As an aside, some people, like me, get pregnant the first time the first month off BC pills. When it happened i was stunned because everyone I knew had such troubles, I thought it would take months or years. Anyway... lesson learned was don't assume other people's experiences will have anything to do with you. Don't start unless you want the baby 7-10 months from now.

Good luck

Thanks! And good advice!

 

[kacaju]

who tells people in the first months???

I did, there is nothing wrong with telling people early if you choose to.

 

[EeyoreEma]

A baby is a reason to celebrate - and there is plenty of room for more than one celebration to go on at a time. You could always bring up the point that your children will be so close in age and be able to be as great of friends as your dh and his cousin seem to be.

 

[okeydokey]

I don't understand why you are making someone elses problem into your problem. If they have a problem with another baby in the family, it's THEIR problem, not yours.

You don't even know when you will get pregnant. Why does everything have to be so drama filled?

 

[AKL_Megs]

I don't understand why you are making someone elses problem into your problem. If they have a problem with another baby in the family, it's THEIR problem, not yours.

You know, I never really thought of it this way. It really IS their issue!

Why does everything have to be so drama filled?

Well, this IS the Dis...

 

[snykymom]

You can have such fun with this! You have a number of responses to Auntie or Cousin Dearest (all the while smiling sweetly):

"Sorry. Speak to God about the timing."
"But Cousin made it look like so much fun!"
"Yes, you're right. We decided to have a child now simply to annoy you."

You cannot change them. You can only change your reaction to them. If you try to look at them with amazement and amusement, rather than taking them seriously (and doing anything to try to fend off their reactions!), you'll be much less stressed. Laugh a little about it! (That's good practice for being a parent, too!)