Pretend you're a College freshman, What Would You Do?

[Rora]

Hey DISers! My baby cousin (freshman in college this year) called me crying this morning. For the past 2 months her roommate's boyfriend has been in living in their room (traditional style dorm) and finally her mother called the housing department to complain and inquire about a single room for next semester. This morning when DCousin woke up her roommate and her boyfriend were furious saying that a guy from housing had been there 4 times in the past week (DCousin was home for thanksgiving) saying that the roommates boyfriend couldn't stay there and that DCousin's mom had called up complaining.

DCousin isn't mad at her mom--heck, the sooner this boy is out of there, the better-- but is very upset about having to deal with the situation in her room now. She is moving next semester but still has to get through the next 2 weeks (exam weeks!) with this very angry girl and her boyfriend (he's stopped sleeping there but is still there ALL THE TIME). I am at a loss for what to say to her.. Any advice on how to handle the situation, the roommate, etc? Thanks everyone!

 

[LindaR]

Wow! I can't believe that they told her WHO made the complaint. They COULD have just said that they noticed that a male was basically "living" there and that it is against rules. They really threw your cousin under the bus.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

She should utulize the library and quiet rooms to study and stay out of the room. Use it for sleep only. Or does she have a room that she can crash in?

 

[NotUrsula]

Her only realistic choice is to spend a lot of time at the library. Most college libraries are open really long hours during exam week, often 24/7. She would probably only need to go home to shower and change, assuming that she isn't doing much sleeping during exam week anyway.

Why did your cousin not complain to the university herself? She could have informed the RA rather than the central housing office, and the odds are that the RA would have handled it better.

It is possible that the RA may be able to arrange with the housing office to let her sleep in a room in the same building that has been vacated, but of course she would have to pay the difference in rent. However, I wouldn't bet on that -- her RA is probably pretty exasperated with her, too, because if your cousin never complained directly to the RA, she probably did not want to intervene, but the administration probably came down on her for not reporting a non-resident crashing there for an entire semester.

 

[Uuaww]

I've been there. I lost one of my best friends to this type of relationship. I was in your cousins position and my friend just didn't get it. Honestly, she never will, their isn't anything you can do about it and you just need to tough it out. Thankfully, in a traditional style dorm, your cousin probably will have neighbors and she can go hang out there. Exam time is the best time for this to happen as she will likely be at the library, not her dorm. It's only two weeks and she can do anything for two weeks.

 

[PatsMom]

I can't believe that the mother had to get involved. Where were the resident assistants and the dorm manager? They should have been the student's first stop.

If the atmosphere is threatening the student should go immediately to the RA and/or the manager to ask for assistance.

As a college freshman, she should be encouraged to deal with this matter on her own. Its not pleasant but it is part of the growing up process I think.

If the student has gone through channels with no resolution, then it would be appropriate for the mother to get involved.

 

[EthansMom]

They probably have RAs. In her shoes, I'd ask the RA if they could mediate the problem.

 

[profdsny]

She's a freshman, so therefore about 18. Why couldn't she go to housing herself whether to compalin (isn't that what RAs are for?) or simply to ask about single housing for next semester. She needs to stand up for herself. It's bad enough her room mate wants to let the guy sleep over everynight, "but to move in" is when she clearly should have demanded a change.
If the roommate and boy friend are mad, tough.

 

[kafitty]

Okay, really? She is an adult, in college. She should have been handling this, NOT her mother. As a PP mentioned, she should have told her RA, not have mom call housing. i know that sounds harsh, but seriously, this should NOTTTTT have been mama's fight. Part of college is learning how to deal with issues by yourself.

But...what's done is done, i guess.

She's just going to have to deal with it. It's only 2 weeks. The library is definitely a good place to hide. If she's friends with anyone else on her floor, maybe she can hang out there? There are also usually common areas within a dorm building, often with couches/tv's/etc., so maybe she can utilize that.

also, her roommate may be angry, but, to paraphrase Bob Varley...she can't hit her! There may be some hostility, which is uncomfortable, but it's not like it's going to physically hurt her in any way. She does have every right to use her room as she'd like, and it's not like the roomie can force her out or anything. If something DOES happen, she needs to talk to her RA, ASAP (it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to the RA anyway, though i'm sure she's already aware of the situation. Hopefully she isn't mad that this whole thing went over her head already - they are the ones that are first responsible for roommate issues).

 

[RadioNate]

I'm also not sure why your cousin didn't go to her RA. Wasn't the RA aware of the situation? Did she not do anything about it?

I'd move anything valuable out now and head to the library to study and hang out at friend's until the semester is over.

Only keep the absolute necessities in her room and only sleep there. I don't understand why she didn't discuss this with the roommate when it all started?

 

[Rora]

DCousin *DID* go to the RA (should've mentioned that- sorry!!). The RA came in and told the girl that she couldn't have him staying there 3 times. But, the girl didn't listen and DCousin kept telling the RA nothing was changing. Apparently the RA told DCousin to have her mother call as he didn't know what else to do.

Good point about the library-- I just don't want her to feel like she can't be in her room and that she has to hide. You know?

 

[RadioNate]

DCousin *DID* go to the RA (should've mentioned that- sorry!!). The RA came in and told the girl that she couldn't have him staying there 3 times. But, the girl didn't listen and DCousin kept telling the RA nothing was changing. Apparently the RA told DCousin to have her mother call as he didn't know what else to do.

Good point about the library-- I just don't want her to feel like she can't be in her room and that she has to hide. You know?

That stinks about the RA. She should be watching the situation and kicking him out.

Your cousin should have also talked to the roommate 2 months ago when this all started.

But, I understand that none of that happened and she needs to move on from here.

The fact is, she might have to hide for awhile. Is that right? No. But the roommate clearly has no respect for her or the rules of the school so maybe should should start distancing herself for the remainder of the semester.

It is easy to say that she should just go about her business and use the room as she pleases but that is much easier said than done when you have an angry roommate & boyfriend in a tiny space.

Or she can stand up for herself. Toughen up and tell them where to go. She doesn't need to worry about being nice or hurting their feelings. It is her room too, throw him out.

 

[disykat]

I don't know why everyone jumped to the conclusion that the student hadn't done anything. Why don't people ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt on the DIS? The OP made it clear in her first post mama didn't immediately jump in.

Fact is that sometimes parents have more clout because the school views them as the one who foots the bill. It isn't right, but it is what it is.

 

[Albort]

That stinks about the RA. She should be watching the situation and kicking him out.

Your cousin should have also talked to the roommate 2 months ago when this all started.

But, I understand that none of that happened and she needs to move on from here.

The fact is, she might have to hide for awhile. Is that right? No. But the roommate clearly has no respect for her or the rules of the school so maybe should should start distancing herself for the remainder of the semester.

It is easy to say that she should just go about her business and use the room as she pleases but that is much easier said than done when you have an angry roommate & boyfriend in a tiny space.

Or she can stand up for herself. Toughen up and tell them where to go. She doesn't need to worry about being nice or hurting their feelings. It is her room too, throw him out.

Freshmen though, i dont think you GET to pick your roommate...

Theres many ways to deal with it, but hey, HER mom is just trying to look out for her...

1) If it gets to a point, call the cops. he has no "LEGAL" rights to be there, yes it may cause big drama with your roommate but your entitled to it.

2) make him pay rent...

3) do the same... throw parties, have her bf over too... (not really a good idea but it works)

4) you should be able to file grievence with the housing office and request for a room change.

 

[PatsMom]

I don't know why everyone jumped to the conclusion that the student hadn't done anything. Why don't people ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt on the DIS? The OP made it clear in her first post mama didn't immediately jump in.

Fact is that sometimes parents have more clout because the school views them as the one who foots the bill. It isn't right, but it is what it is.

Maybe my 18 year old daughter is simply blessed with a good RA and hall manager. I have met both of them. If she went to them with a problem like this, they would continue to escalate it if they couldn't resolve it. I don't know about the OP's school policies but it would be unacceptable at DD's university to leave the situation status quo and tell the student they needed to involve a parent. Maybe most of the others who made the same assumption I did (no contact with the RA) also either went to schools or sent their children to schools that had better policies in place for the RA's.

The student should be questioning the school policy that allows the RA to blow off a clear violation of the rules.

And the library sounds like a great place to hide until she can move out.

 

[fraggle551]

As much as it stinks, she is just going to have to tough it out. The semester is almost over, and every college student I know right now is praying for Christmas break to start tomorrow (including myself!)

Hopefully she has friends where she can go hang out, a common room, quiet study area, library, empty classroom, student union/lounge, etc. Even on small campuses there are lots of good places to hide out.

Perhaps she could utilize her teachers office hours and go ask for extra help (even if she doesn't need it), also taking up some time.

In some schools, students cannot resolve a problem. I had some problems at my old school with them getting me paperwork I required, and had asked for multiple times. I had gone through the proper steps, politely tried to get the situation taken care of and it wasn't. I could have tried to fix it till I was blue in the face, but it wouldn't work. Somehow, my father would call and everything would magically be taken care of in 5 minutes. Pretty amazing how that works. And this happened multiple times.

Is it fair? No, not at all. But however thats how the system works sometimes, and sometimes you just need to play the game.

 

[mcco5543]

Good for your cousin for handling it the best she knew how, She was only doing what her RA told her to do to fix the situation, call her parent.


Boo-Hiss to that RA, what a terrible way to handle the situation on their part.

Next time Your cousin can go straight from the RA to the RD (There's always a resident director) then straight to the housing office and then straight to the Dean of students. They are obligated to rectify the situation. Whether that be moving your cuz, moving her roomate, or banning the BF from the dorm after evening hours. And yes they could have done any of these things.

Tell your dear cousin next time just KEEP going up the chain, everyone has a boss.

As for the current situation, The RA has proven useless, advise your cuz to go straight to the RD and make sure the RD is aware of the situation (The RD is whoever is in charge of the RA staff).

They should be watching out for her and protecting her. If they aren't your daughter has every right to demand to be moved into a room where she can get some sleep. If your cuz feels like she can't live in her room because of this girl then it's HARRASSMENT. A complaint really needs to be filed in the housing office and a copy of the letter to the dean of students. No one should have to deal with this type of room mate behavior. Yes no situtaion is ideal but really this is beyond ridiculous. Sorry she's got a dud roomate and if your cuz can't crash in a a friend's room or hang out there during her down time then I really hope she goes to housing and gets either herself or her roomate moved for finals.

Here's to a better semester next year!

 

[2binak]

I've been there. I lost one of my best friends to this type of relationship. I was in your cousins position and my friend just didn't get it. Honestly, she never will, their isn't anything you can do about it and you just need to tough it out. Thankfully, in a traditional style dorm, your cousin probably will have neighbors and she can go hang out there. Exam time is the best time for this to happen as she will likely be at the library, not her dorm. It's only two weeks and she can do anything for two weeks.

I was in a very similar situation. 3 of us girls sharing one room and one of my roommates had her bf staying over 3 nights a week. Talk about crowded! One night, she wouldn't us in the room at 11:30pm because she and her bf needed privacy That's what did it for us. We talked to her about it, but she just didn't care so we went to our RA and she was able to find the roommmate another room in another building. 2 weeks later, she moved out.

Fact is that sometimes parents have more clout because the school views them as the one who foots the bill. It isn't right, but it is what it is.

This is so true! We complained for 2 months that our heat wasn't on. Facilities kept telling us it was on and working. One Sat morning in Dec, my mother called and asked what I was doing. I told her I was bundled in layers of clothes, under 2 blankets, watching tv. She was livid when she found out we didn't have heat. She hung up and called the school and within 20 mins, a Facilities worker was at our dorm fixing the broken furnace. We had heat by the end of the day.

Back to the OP - I'm curious if the RA went to the RD (resident director). If the RA can't handle a situation, the next step would be the RD. It seems the RA didn't bother with that step in this case.

 

[kafitty]

I don't know why everyone jumped to the conclusion that the student hadn't done anything. Why don't people ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt on the DIS? The OP made it clear in her first post mama didn't immediately jump in.

actually, she didn't make it very clear, she just said mom "finally" called, with no mention of any steps DCousin took first. So, allow me to offer my apology for making assumptions. i did just graduate college, and saw PLENTY of kids who still had helicopter parents, so i guess my experiences colored my thoughts...

Maybe my 18 year old daughter is simply blessed with a good RA and hall manager. I have met both of them. If she went to them with a problem like this, they would continue to escalate it if they couldn't resolve it. I don't know about the OP's school policies but it would be unacceptable at DD's university to leave the situation status quo and tell the student they needed to involve a parent. Maybe most of the others who made the same assumption I did (no contact with the RA) also either went to schools or sent their children to schools that had better policies in place for the RA's.


The student should be questioning the school policy that allows the RA to blow off a clear violation of the rules.

seriously. this must be a small school. i know that at my state school, the LAST thing they want is the parents to be involved in student affairs. One less person they have to hear complaints from.

Next time Your cousin can go straight from the RA to the RD (There's always a resident director) then straight to the housing office and then straight to the Dean of students. They are obligated to rectify the situation. Whether that be moving your cuz, moving her roomate, or banning the BF from the dorm after evening hours. And yes they could have done any of these things.

Tell your dear cousin next time just KEEP going up the chain, everyone has a boss.

As for the current situation, The RA has proven useless, advise your cuz to go straight to the RD and make sure the RD is aware of the situation (The RD is whoever is in charge of the RA staff).

They should be watching out for her and protecting her. If they aren't your daughter has every right to demand to be moved into a room where she can get some sleep. If your cuz feels like she can't live in her room because of this girl then it's HARRASSMENT. A complaint really needs to be filed in the housing office and a copy of the letter to the dean of students. No one should have to deal with this type of room mate behavior. Yes no situtaion is ideal but really this is beyond ridiculous. Sorry she's got a dud roomate and if your cuz can't crash in a a friend's room or hang out there during her down time then I really hope she goes to housing and gets either herself or her roomate moved for finals.

Here's to a better semester next year!

at my school, which has almost ridiculously tight security, they would have banned him from entering the building at the very least, and the gf probably would have faced some sort of judicial action.

 

[Albort]

As much as it stinks, she is just going to have to tough it out. The semester is almost over, and every college student I know right now is praying for Christmas break to start tomorrow (including myself!)

Hopefully she has friends where she can go hang out, a common room, quiet study area, library, empty classroom, student union/lounge, etc. Even on small campuses there are lots of good places to hide out.

Perhaps she could utilize her teachers office hours and go ask for extra help (even if she doesn't need it), also taking up some time.

In some schools, students cannot resolve a problem. I had some problems at my old school with them getting me paperwork I required, and had asked for multiple times. I had gone through the proper steps, politely tried to get the situation taken care of and it wasn't. I could have tried to fix it till I was blue in the face, but it wouldn't work. Somehow, my father would call and everything would magically be taken care of in 5 minutes. Pretty amazing how that works. And this happened multiple times.

Is it fair? No, not at all. But however thats how the system works sometimes, and sometimes you just need to play the game.

well, i dont agree with the lifes not fair in this situation. You pay GOOD money for room and board, you are entitled to what you signed with the school...