Pregnancy and husband..PLEASE HELP!

[roliepolieoliefan]

My DH did not really want children when we married, but I thought he would change his mind. He hasn't and won't. We were married 16 years this past Friday. At 29, I would cry about it and would ultimately put it off because I did have more time. At 32 it was still an issue but I wasn't terribly concerned. 36, we are now seeing a pattern and I have to make a decision as to how important his decision to me..he has already had my best years to himself...we are successful and happy and he is extremely supportive and we can afford to do most anything we want. I am getting more anxious at this point but I do love my husband and begin thinking "well we might not could get pregnant anyway". At 40 I get the news that I need a female procedure which will end my capiblities. It was not immediate but if we wanted a child it was now or never and I would need to see a fertiltiy specialist right away simply becaue of my age and the need to get it done quickly. I begged, cried up until the evening before my surgery. I had the procedure because ultimately I loved the man I married and for some reason he just was not able to see himself as a Dad. I plenty of time to decide if it was a deal breaker. This was my man's only fault. Now at 42 we travel, own DVC, have fun on weekends and nice quiet evenings at home. I have had a great marriage and life with him and we are both happy. At 42 being a mother is not as important anymore and so I have had to move on....we do have nieces and nephews and I dote on them as much as possible.

My advice is to have a child if you want to and if your DH wants to...that's easy...have a child. As my doctor told me once...buy some alcohol, romance him a little and get the job done. Very frank advice, but my DH didn't fall for it. It sounds like you may have to be the one to push a little but his desire is there and it should be easy.

Wow Toddy very touching story. You must really realy love your husband and are definetly a better woman than me because I know I couldn't have done what you did.

 

[RitaE]

My advice is to have a child if you want to and if your DH wants to...that's easy...have a child. As my doctor told me once...buy some alcohol, romance him a little and get the job done. Very frank advice, but my DH didn't fall for it. It sounds like you may have to be the one to push a little but his desire is there and it should be easy.

I'm not quite sure I understand. Are you suggesting that if a man says he doesn't want to be a Father, his wife should just get him drunk and herself pregnant?

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Just an fyi to you both, if you wait until you are 100% financially ready, you'll never have children. Seriously.

I agree.

 

[piglet50]

a good friend told us if you wait until you can afford kids you will never have them. i was the scared one not dh. we were married 6 years and at age 27 had my first after 6 months of trying. wanted another after about 3 years - it took us 5 years to have that second and last child. i was then 32. we both had good jobs, i did have to pay for childcare, and it was expensive.

i wouldn't change anything except to have had them earlier in our marriage they are grown now with one married and both have jobs. the time went so fast.

all of the above is said to tell you to talk seriously now with dh. find out his reasoning. make sure you're on the same page no matter what you decide.
remember that all the planning in the world won't help if there are fertility problems. good luck to you both.

 

[tlbwriter]

Just an fyi to you both, if you wait until you are 100% financially ready, you'll never have children. Seriously.

That's not true for everyone. When we started trying, we were just on the edge - having a child would have been a financial stretch, but doable. By the time we succeeded (7 years later!) we were in really good shape, and could easily afford it. Lots of people have a financial goal in mind (able to live on one income, able to afford daycare plus a college fund, etc.) and *do* meet that goal first. Nothing at all wrong with that. The only thing wrong is using that as an excuse with your partner when there's really some other reason you don't want to have a child.

 

[HM]

You've only been married 1 year. I'd give yourself some more time as a couple alone before planning on a child yet. We waited four years before trying and I had my first at 31. Maybe with time, he'll get easier with the idea of being a Dad.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I'm patiently waiting.. when is enough...enough?

I'm not sure I understand what you are asking? Are you talking about an ultimatum (now or never)? Going off your birth control behind his back? Divorce?

If you really want children, you should do things to help relieve him of his fears, as others have suggested. Create a budget, take a parenting class, etc.

 

[smi727]

Sometimes life puts things into perspective for you. We've been together since high school (11 years) and married for 4 years. We both turned 29 over the summer. DH got laid off. My dad has been having health problems. It's been a crazy six months or so. All of the sudden, our priorities have changed. DH, who was always nervous about having enough money, a big enough house, etc. has really come around. Now we're trying for a baby! Wish us luck!

 

[RUDisney]

My DH was panicky, too, about becoming a father, but not for the same reason as most men. He was terrified about going into the delivery room with me. To be honest, I wasn't really enthusiastic about that myself, and I really would have wanted him there and not just my Mom.

We finally sat down and talked about what we really wanted. We both knew that we wanted kids but we didn't want our lives turned upsidedown by a newborn. We decided to adopt 2 children. They were 5 and 6 when we adopted them.... 9 years ago.

It was the perfect way for us to have our family. I have never regretted not having them since they were babies and they both took hold of our hearts within minutes of meeting them. Our Gotcha Day is coming up on October 22nd.

 

[*Meagan*]

Thanks everyone for your feedback!


I know that no one is ever 100% financially stable for a baby...its my husband that does not understand that.

And yes I fully understand It could take years to get pregnant..that is why I do not want to keep putting it off. Especially being told by my ob that I could run into some issues.

Any who I was just wondering if anyone else ran into issues like this. Thanks again

 

[*Meagan*]

I'm not sure I understand what you are asking? Are you talking about an ultimatum (now or never)? Going off your birth control behind his back? Divorce?i

If you really want children, you should do things to help relieve him of his fears, as others have suggested. Create a budget, take a parenting class, etc.

Wow.

No I would never give him an ultimatum nor would I ever go behind my husbands back and stop taking my pill. And we also did not get married to get divorced.


What I meant was when will he be really ready... when did other people who have had similar experiences fianlly reach an agreement.. etc

 

[bigbabyblues]

The first time I got pregnant, about a year into our marriage, my DH was not thrilled (yes, he knew I went off the pill). The first thing he said was "how are we going to afford a baby?". It didn't really matter, I had a miscarriage a few weeks later.

Looking back, I don't think we were ready at that point. Maturity wise not ready, not necessarily financially, because I'm not 100% sure you can be ready financially. There wasn't really anything I could "do" about his feelings. We talked about it some, and as time passed, his feelings changed, and we were in a better place overall.

I got pregnant again two years later, almost to the day, and it was a totally different situation. He was completely onboard with it at that time, although still the normal nervousness. I was the one with the fears the second time around, but mostly due to the miscarriage. Once I got past the week I had m/c, I was ok.

 

[scottishduffy]

DH was definitely apprehensive about the pregnancy thing.

Before we ever got married we discussed family, how many kids we would like, and a basic timetable. Well, the first time-table got changed by me going back for higher education. So we discussed again and agreed to try to a delivery date around my graduation to give me a natural break in time to stay home a little bit.


When That time came around he was not on board... he was terrified and said to wait a couple more months. We talked, and I waited. Several months later he backed out again. This time we sat and had a serious talk about my feelings and his. Our respective reasons for being on which side we were. Financial situation, childcare situation. Really just laid everything out. He felt a bit 'forced' into it.... i felt a little betrayed by him always changing our previously agreed upon schedules since I had been planning my life around our discussions and agreements.

Then, we came up with a new schedule we both felt good about. DH was on board and we both felt good about having a baby. I just found out last week that I am expecting. It is still very early (i'm only 5 weeks) but DH is totally on board and supportive.

Just talk to your DH. A serious sit down talk and lay out a time line you both can agree on. Work out the finances and everything. It will make you both feel better. I found out delaying a bit was actually better and he no longer felt forced. Worked out great!

 

[*Meagan*]

My DH did not really want children when we married, but I thought he would change his mind. He hasn't and won't. We were married 16 years this past Friday. At 29, I would cry about it and would ultimately put it off because I did have more time. At 32 it was still an issue but I wasn't terribly concerned. 36, we are now seeing a pattern and I have to make a decision as to how important his decision to me..he has already had my best years to himself...we are successful and happy and he is extremely supportive and we can afford to do most anything we want. I am getting more anxious at this point but I do love my husband and begin thinking "well we might not could get pregnant anyway". At 40 I get the news that I need a female procedure which will end my capiblities. It was not immediate but if we wanted a child it was now or never and I would need to see a fertiltiy specialist right away simply becaue of my age and the need to get it done quickly. I begged, cried up until the evening before my surgery. I had the procedure because ultimately I loved the man I married and for some reason he just was not able to see himself as a Dad. I plenty of time to decide if it was a deal breaker. This was my man's only fault. Now at 42 we travel, own DVC, have fun on weekends and nice quiet evenings at home. I have had a great marriage and life with him and we are both happy. At 42 being a mother is not as important anymore and so I have had to move on....we do have nieces and nephews and I dote on them as much as possible.

My advice is to have a child if you want to and if your DH wants to...that's easy...have a child. As my doctor told me once...buy some alcohol, romance him a little and get the job done. Very frank advice, but my DH didn't fall for it. It sounds like you may have to be the one to push a little but his desire is there and it should be easy.

thanks for sharing your story!

All I can say looking back is that there is no "perfect" time. There will always be reasons to or not to have a baby.
EXACTLY! I AGREE.

Any buddies with kids who are great fun Dads? Maybe he can spend a day out with them and see the fun it can be.

Half of his friends are married with children and the other half of his friends are single or dating. Two of his brothers have children. And he is super great with kids. And he has spent time with them and their children and he loves it!

Nobody here can answer these questions for you.

I was simply asking if anyone has gone through this and how they handled it as a couple.

Also, remember it's not as easy as, "I want to be pregnant now" and poof! you're pregnant. Things can happen, and there can be bumps in the road. I believe 35 is considered advanced maternal age ( they even nicely write that on your chart ) and for some women, it's harder to get pregnant as they get older, and there are certain risks involved.

I am in now way telling you to rush out and get pregnant, but that should be part of your discussion as well.

I have PCOS so that is one of my biggest issues. I understand infertility and not getting pregnant right away.

DH was definitely apprehensive about the pregnancy thing.

Before we ever got married we discussed family, how many kids we would like, and a basic timetable. Well, the first time-table got changed by me going back for higher education. So we discussed again and agreed to try to a delivery date around my graduation to give me a natural break in time to stay home a little bit.


When That time came around he was not on board... he was terrified and said to wait a couple more months. We talked, and I waited. Several months later he backed out again. This time we sat and had a serious talk about my feelings and his. Our respective reasons for being on which side we were. Financial situation, childcare situation. Really just laid everything out. He felt a bit 'forced' into it.... i felt a little betrayed by him always changing our previously agreed upon schedules since I had been planning my life around our discussions and agreements.

Then, we came up with a new schedule we both felt good about. DH was on board and we both felt good about having a baby. I just found out last week that I am expecting. It is still very early (i'm only 5 weeks) but DH is totally on board and supportive.

Just talk to your DH. A serious sit down talk and lay out a time line you both can agree on. Work out the finances and everything. It will make you both feel better. I found out delaying a bit was actually better and he no longer felt forced. Worked out great!

Thanks for your help!

 

[Mrs. Charming]

My good friend just went through this w/ her DH. He was terrified of having a 2nd kid and she didn't know why. She finally got it out of him, it was a money thing, and she's now 12 weeks along.

Good luck to you. Babies are the best. It's hard work, a lot of physical discomfort and sleepless nights... but it's so worth it.

 

[lisaviolet]

Wow Toddy very touching story. You must really realy love your husband and are definetly a better woman than me because I know I couldn't have done what you did.

I don't get it. The better woman comment. He was respectful and clear with his wants when they were married - if I'm understanding correctly. And she married a man knowing that he didn't want children but she did. (Toddy l feel compassion of how hard those years must have been. I'm sorry. I'm not judging your choices at all. )

Or am I misunderstanding you? You mean marrying someone who didn't want children when you wanted one? No sarcasm. Just confused.

OP - talk to him. Ask him directly if he still wants children (just in case he's changed his mind) and if so to give you his thoughts on when he sees this happening. And you should share your thoughts on timing too - because both are equally important.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Wow.

No I would never give him an ultimatum nor would I ever go behind my husbands back and stop taking my pill. And we also did not get married to get divorced.


What I meant was when will he be really ready... when did other people who have had similar experiences fianlly reach an agreement.. etc

Please be prepared for the fact that your husband may never be ready. I know of one couple who never had children. Another couple who split over the issue, and a third who had the kids the husband left and now she is a single mother.

Maybe a counselor to help you deal with your feelings and why it is so important for you to have children when your husband clearly does not want them?

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I'll reiterate... there is A) no perfect time and B) you are NEVER 100% ready. It's just not possible.

What you guys should do is sit down and look over your numbers. Baby needs food, clothing, and shelter. Everything else is a bonus. If you can provide for baby in those ways, you're good.

You don't have to buy everything new either. There are several resale shops across the country that stock gently used items for you to purchase. I would recommend buying a new crib though... We inherited a crib for DS, I bought a new changing table at Goodwill for $20. Family members purchased our playyard (with a bassinette) and stroller and a lot of the consumable items to get us started. I bought a bouncy seat with gift cards I received at my shower. You can do it.

Do you guys have a good support system around (family/friends)? He needs to feel comfortable with the idea first and foremost. Do you have any male friends with kids?? Could they have a guy's night out to talk to one of them? Male-male convos achieve greater results than you guys talking through it sometimes, especially if he's got a good friend who is already in the situation.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Wow.

Yeah, I think I overreacted there. That was a bit harsh. I apologize.

As for when will he be really ready?

 

[jodifla]

I'll reiterate... there is A) no perfect time and B) you are NEVER 100% ready. It's just not possible.

What you guys should do is sit down and look over your numbers. Baby needs food, clothing, and shelter. Everything else is a bonus. If you can provide for baby in those ways, you're good.

You don't have to buy everything new either. There are several resale shops across the country that stock gently used items for you to purchase. I would recommend buying a new crib though... We inherited a crib for DS, I bought a new changing table at Goodwill for $20. Family members purchased our playyard (with a bassinette) and stroller and a lot of the consumable items to get us started. I bought a bouncy seat with gift cards I received at my shower. You can do it.

Do you guys have a good support system around (family/friends)? He needs to feel comfortable with the idea first and foremost. Do you have any male friends with kids?? Could they have a guy's night out to talk to one of them? Male-male convos achieve greater results than you guys talking through it sometimes, especially if he's got a good friend who is already in the situation.

For men, and some women, too, it's more than the money. It's the freedom. To be able to go where you want, when you want. To have a wife who's devoted to you, where you don't play second fiddle to kids.

They've only been married for a year, they are still in their 20s, and OP is already pressuring her husband for kids, instead of just enjoying their marriage.

If I were her husband, I would wonder if I was just a means to an end.