POLL: MAJORITY CALL ATHLETES THEIR NUMBER ONE FEAR-Jocks Top Terrorism, War (satire)

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POLL: MAJORITY CALL ATHLETES THEIR NUMBER ONE FEAR

Jocks Top Terrorism, War in New Survey

In a new survey of likely voters, a broad majority named athletes as their number one fear, as the scary jocks topped terrorism and war for the first time in the history of such polls.

Professional athletes outpaced college athletes by a slim margin to take the top honors as what Americans fear most, but even collegiate jocks were seen as a “much greater” threat to personal safety than such widely known worry-makers as Kim Jong-Il of North Korea.

According to the survey, a majority of Americans fear that they will someday be the victim of an athlete’s wrath after an unfortunate encounter in a restaurant, bar, hotel, disco, nightclub, clothing store, parking lot or airport lounge.

When asked, “How worried are you that you may be attacked by a professional athlete in the next twelve months,” forty-two percent replied “somewhat worried,” twenty-nine percent replied “very worried,” twenty-eight percent replied “very, very worried” and one percent replied, “I am currently being attacked by an athlete at this very moment.”

Dr. David Danton, who has spent the last twenty years at the University of Minnesota studying voters’ fears of professional and amateur athletes, said that the new survey spells trouble for Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean.

“Dean has been talking almost nonstop about Iraq, but has said almost nothing about what he would do to protect the country from athletes,” Dr. Danton said. “He’s vulnerable on this issue.”

In a related story, legal experts noted the irony of L.A. Laker Kobe Bryant’s weekend win of a Teen Choice Award, since his trial is likely to focus on whether or not a teen had a choice.

**** ‘BOROWITZ REPORT****
 


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