PMS in a Handbasket--Don't be afraid, just bring us food... Part 13

[Tigger&Belle]

Can you pick something up for me from the feminine products aisle? I don't feel like stopping at the store. Thanks!

No problem! The super, duper, extra absorbency ones???

Tig, if you go to the beer store, can you get me some Blue Moon? and some oranges from BJ's to go with it. I could use some shampoo, if it's not too much trouble. Are you going to Walmart - please take some pictures, I'm getting bored today. Oh, and here a LHUGL for you too!

What's Blue Moon? Is that the pumpkin beer? I'd love some more pumpkin beer!

I hate Wal-Mart, but I will be next door to it, so no problem--anything for my friends. I"m NOT going to BJs, though...

If anyone else wants anything they need to call me since I'm outta here.

 

[redshoes]

Here is a recount of my wonderful weekend-

HUGE DISCLAIMER: I know I'm pathetic, I know I'm self-centered, and I know that jealously is not my color.....

We went to one my niece's first birthday parties on Saturday. All of DH's family is there- good times . DH's sisters are a fertile as bunnies: one SIL is as big as a house and is due in a few weeks, another SIL annouces that she is having her third baby in three years and is due sometime this Fall. . We went to dinner at my parents last night and my brother calls to announce that SIL is pg- first try and even if its not a great time they guess they'll make due .
And that is when envy sets in for me. Yes, I have my two boys, yes, I love them, but I want another baby. DH and I have been trying to get pg for seven years, with no reason as to what the issue is (they have diagnosed us as unexplained infertility which is another word for we dont know what the hell is wrong with you). I did IVF last Feb. and got very very sick- so sick that my kidneys started to shut down. It did not work, then we did a frozen transfer in late March- everything was perfect and I miscarriaged very early . That was the bottom of the bucket for me, emotionally is was very bad. I could do another IVF cycle, but honestly I'm scaried to even try- I was so sick and it was just awful. I would give anything to see what a baby with my eyes and my DH's nose looks like, to feel a baby kick, to even see a postive sign an a pee stick... Adoption is another route (and a wonderful one at that) but this time around it would be very very expensive. And that is where the problem lies- do I put my family into some much debt that when we do have another baby, I'm so stress about bills that I can't enjoy the gift I've been given. Not to mention I have to make my boys give up some experiences because the money was spent on getting their sibling here. Dont get me wrong we can afford the baby once they are here, its just getting them here that raises concerns. I wish it was easy for me, I understand that everyone has trials- but this ones sucks. I'm a damn good Mom, I've been through alot to become a Mom, I have proved myself.....
I'm sorry ya'll, I'm just trying wrap my brain around this, I don't feel done- I feel like there is another member of our family- but I don't know how to go about it. This little issue has been going on for over a year now, and this weekend it just come to a head again. Please dont think that I'm not excitied for my SILs, I am I just wish with all heart it could be me too .

 

[L107ANGEL]

Aww Kate, I totally understand, I wanted more children but Rebecca was such a difficult pregnancy that it was decided no more. I can only offer you more hugs

 

[Miss Jasmine]

No problem! The super, duper, extra absorbency ones???

No, just the regular ones. Sheesh. Oh an unscented. Thanks!

Oh Red! That sounds like a very complicated situation. I don't think I would put my health into jeopardy though. But maybe I am not the best one to give advice since I don't even have a maternal bone in my body. I'm still waiting for that to kick in.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Awwww, red, You have EVERY right to everything you are feeling!

My nephew and his wife just found out that they are expecting their second baby. I know that they'd assumed that their first would be an only given the fact that they couldn't go through the expensive means to have another that they did with him. And I can't imagine what it was like for them seeing his sister pop out baby after baby like a Pez dispenser. How do you fault someone for having children, of course, but at the same time, pain is pain. Thankfully something worked with my nephew and his wife and they are having their second. They were pretty surprised, according to my sister. And I do think it's extra hard for them (and you, perhaps) being LDS and seeing that many more large (or at least larger than the general population) families within your close circle of church friends.

My thoughts and good wishes are with you. So sorry and don't feel bad for having these emotions. Very normal.

 

[LiteBrite]

Kate,

I understand. Your story is very similar to mine, and is the reason I am the mother of an only child. Many years down the road, I'm at peace with it, but I don't know how many buckets I cried through the years between then and now.

 

[ashjohnson80]

red, i kind of understand.

i haven't been trying for very long to have a child but longer than i thought it would take. and i have this cousin who is 21 years old and pregnant with her 4th child. when i found out about it i was whiny the whole night, you can ask these guys. and i felt bad for not feeling happy for her, but all i could think is.... wow, that's fair.

 

[redshoes]

Kate,

I understand. Your story is very similar to mine, and is the reason I am the mother of an only child. Many years down the road, I'm at peace with it, but I don't know how many buckets I cried through the years between then and now.

See that peace is what I'm missing, I just don't feel it. Maybe ten years down the road it will be there? I just feel cheated in some way- which is so stupid because I know that I'm blessed. My type A black and white personiality says, "Kate, you should be happy for what you have- some women could only wish for the chance to raise two awesome kids. Stopping being so dumb and get over it". But my heart just hurts.

 

[imsorry]

Red, you are completely normal. My one niece had a baby that was born with a genetic birth defect. She was terrified to have another - she went thru invitro and genetic testing to get pregnant a second time - but I hope her health can withstand it. Not to mention they spent a fortune on this, money they don't have. The second baby is due in August; the first one needs so much attention I don't know how they will do it. Meanwhile, her cousin, my nephew, and his wife have had four healthy children in seven years!

I remember trying to get pregant when I got married. Nothing happened. Then after five years of us trying, my sister in law got pregnant after being married for 3 months! I was devastated.

But in my case I decided God does things for a reason, and I made peace with not having children.

I guess I am just saying that maybe if it doesn't happen for you, there is a plan that you just don't understand yet. I hope you find peace within yourself.

 

[lovetoscrap]

Tig, if you go to the beer store, can you get me some Blue Moon? and some oranges from BJ's to go with it. I could use some shampoo, if it's not too much trouble. Are you going to Walmart - please take some pictures, I'm getting bored today. Oh, and here a LHUGL for you too!

Wow, you are really bored if you want pictures of Walmart. Here, I'll save Tig the trouble:

 

[ashjohnson80]

I guess wal-marts look the same no matter where you go....

 

[redshoes]

Awwww, red, You have EVERY right to everything you are feeling!

My nephew and his wife just found out that they are expecting their second baby. I know that they'd assumed that their first would be an only given the fact that they couldn't go through the expensive means to have another that they did with him. And I can't imagine what it was like for them seeing his sister pop out baby after baby like a Pez dispenser. How do you fault someone for having children, of course, but at the same time, pain is pain. Thankfully something worked with my nephew and his wife and they are having their second. They were pretty surprised, according to my sister. And I do think it's extra hard for them (and you, perhaps) being LDS and seeing that many more large (or at least larger than the general population) families within your close circle of church friends.

My thoughts and good wishes are with you. So sorry and don't feel bad for having these emotions. Very normal.

That's where I'm struggling- everyone feels like they have to walk on egg shells when I'm around (okay everyone but my one beasty SIL who moans and groans and tells me I'm so lucky to not have deal with the whole PG- but she has issues anyways) and I dont want to be one of those bitter infertile women who makes everyone miserable. Honestly, I'm pretty good, I smile, I pick out a cute baby gift, I volunteer to babysit, and I hold the little darlings. But in my mind; I just want to cry.
As for the LDS thing, it doesn't factor in for me. Yipee, for the women who can have 8 kids- but that's not me. I'm a damn good Mom but not a saint .

 

[lovetoscrap]

Oh Red, That is so hard. I have had so many friends go through secondary ( or beyond) infertility. And others that really should have never had one in the first place popping them out like bunnies has made it even worse for them.

Grieve. You have to. My next door neighbor and friend never saw my DD exept for a few brief mintues her first 2 months of life. The day I went into labor she was miscarrying. She just couldn't bring herself to come and see my baby for a few months and I understood. Fortunately a year later she did end up with her own baby girl after about 3 years of trying and the miscarriage.

 

[Briarmom]

Sorry Red.

 

[LiteBrite]

See that peace is what I'm missing, I just don't feel it. Maybe ten years down the road it will be there? I just feel cheated in some way- which is so stupid because I know that I'm blessed. My type A black and white personiality says, "Kate, you should be happy for what you have- some women could only wish for the chance to raise two awesome kids. Stopping being so dumb and get over it". But my heart just hurts.

Yeah, I would say ten years is a good estimate on the peace. That's not to say you're going to feel miserable about this all that time, but I think it did take me that long before I was completely fine with not ever having another baby.

That's where I'm struggling- everyone feels like they have to walk on egg shells when I'm around (okay everyone but my one beasty SIL who moans and groans and tells me I'm so lucky to not have deal with the whole PG- but she has issues anyways) and I dont want to be one of those bitter infertile women who makes everyone miserable. Honestly, I'm pretty good, I smile, I pick out a cute baby gift, I volunteer to babysit, and I hold the little darlings. But in my mind; I just want to cry.
As for the LDS thing, it doesn't factor in for me. Yipee, for the women who can have 8 kids- but that's not me. I'm a damn good Mom but not a saint .

This I also totally get. Basically everything to do with other people having babies hurt me, but I didn't want them to know that, because I didn't want to be the wet blanket on their joy, or even for them not to feel like they could complain a little bit about not getting enough sleep - I just wanted things to be normal, but they weren't.

 

[imsorry]

where did everyone go?

I just took a break to shower and start dinner. next up: the Ellen show; dh always comes in around 4:15 and I miss most of it.

I'll be back (you can take that as a threat if you want to)

 

[debbiedoo]

I am just getting in from work

not sure where everyone is

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I'm here, it still hurts to read though and typing is a chore.

 

[L107ANGEL]

I'm here, it still hurts to read though and typing is a chore.

 

[imsorry]

It's snowing!!!!!!!!!! we are having a snow shower and I don't have to go out!!!