please tell me I did the right thing

[n2dzny]

I broke up with my boyfriend of exactly a year.

A little background:
he is 42, I am 30. he is divorced, (ex left him for woman), I have never been married.

We dated for a year and during the course of the year, I did notice some things that I didnt like, some red flags I guess they are called. But I did what I know I shouldnt have & I ignored them. Mainly him being selfish and self-serving to a point that it turns ppl off, even his family who love him very much.

I fell in love with him but all along knew the red flags were there. Had a couple of convos with his sisters (who love him very much but know how he is) and they told me that I shouldnt be with him. (they saw how he was doing me)

Well, in March I tried to break up with him, I told him that I was going to and he talked me out of it. He told me that he would change the things that needed to change and he did; I immediatley saw great improvements. But after a few months, I could slowly see his selfish ways creeping back up. (I know that I can not change him, that is a red flag that I ignored)

The latest thing that happened that let me know that he is selfish and will always be selfish and I am not willing to put up with that level of selfishness was last Fri, I had surgery. He told me that he would not be able to be with me because he had things to do (he lives 2 hrs away and was promoting a golf tournament). I found out Sun that he played golf Sat. What upset me about the fact that he played golf is that he knew all along that he was going to play, he just led me to believe that he was coming until a few days before then he started telling me that he had too much to do (I believe his golf buddy confirmed that he could play, so he went with golf). It made me realize that I am not a priority for him and I will NEVER be. I love him and if he had surgery or anything, I would have soooo been there for him. He has a lot good qualities and I do love him, I just can not be with someone who dont make me a priority (within reason, I know that jobs & kids sometimes have to come first, but I hope you know what I mean) Also, there are several other red flags, this just happened to be the one that made me say "no more". I broke up with him Mon.
My friends and family all like him but NO ONE felt like he was "the one" for me. My parents and sister honestly wanted to like him, but they never could get past his selfishness. (before I broke up with him, I thought I knew how they felt, but after I broke up with him, they all told me that they were glad cuz they were afraid I would be *blinded by love*) I really liked his parents, dev a wonderful rel with them and his sisters. It is kinda hard on me too cuz I havent spoken with any of them since I broke up with him.

So, the reason I am doubting myself is because I do love him (love is blind, I realize that and I am trying to do something that will save me a lot of heartache in the future) and I know I hurt him and I want to get in my car and drive to his house (even though I havent been released to drive yet) and ask for forgiveness and hope that he will take me back (which I think he will). He was blindsided, he had no idea what was about to happen.

Part of me says that he is a big boy, he will be ok, but the other part of me hurts so bad for him. Since my family feels the way they do, I dont show emotion in front of them, but it does hurt.

So, did I do the right thing by breaking up or would I be stupid to call him up??

 

[JessicaR]

You did the right thing. YOU deserve so much better. He IS selfish. Hang in there, the right person for you is right around the corner... Please do not call him up that call if it comes at all should come from him and even then you should search deep before accepting it.

 

[alliecats]

I absolutely believe you did the right thing. He is showing you who he is and his family is confirming it. I know you love him but it will be worse if you stay with him down the road. Don't settle. Don't call. Don't look back.
I am proud of you!

 

[Stitchfans]

If I did not know better I would swear you were my DD and her soon to be ex husband, Need I say more?

He left her for a little girl years younger than them after he ruined DD financially, stole from her so on. Stay clear of him. Red flags are sure signs of true heart ache and trouble.

 

[N&B'smom]

You had surgery and he blew you off to play golf!?!??! You're right...you are not a priority. You did the right thing. Give yourself some time.

 

[disneyaddicted]

I believe whole heartedly you did the right thing. I ignored red flags and even warnings from my ex's family that he was no good. I married him anyway and 4 years and 2 kids later I finally decided to get out, but it made it harder to do with kids and all. So you have saved yourself alot more heartache in the future.

And like you said he is a big boy, he made the decision to play golf over being with you when you needed him. He'll get over.

Be strong for yourself, don't go back to him, you deserve better. I know you will find somebody who will be good to you.

 

[n2dzny]

Wow!! Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it. I will print them up and keep them for quick reference

I guess my mom knew what I was thinking about cuz she just reassured me too. This is just hard.

Again, I appreciate your responses. Maybe this big lump in my throat will go away soon.

 

[A4Disney]

You definitely did the right thing!!!Stay strong,don't call him!!!

 

[Jennasis]

You did the right thing. You DO deserve better. Be strong.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

The hard part now is moving on.....I am so glad you made the decision to leave. It will only get harder the longer you stay in the relationship. The *right* one will come along when you are least expecting it.

Good luck.

 

[sunnyday123]

My ex did the same thing to me-twice. He was too busy to take me to either surgery, then sat on his rump while I took care of our 2 yr old. Then when my Grandfather passed away ( who I was closer to than anyone else ) he freaked out at the funeral home because I locked the keys in the car. At the wake, I asked him to go get our DD so she could talk to the Pastor because she was having a hard time dealing with it. He showed up 2 1/2 hours later. He had to stop and wash the car.

I filed for divorce the next month. Oh, in between that he hit me and cheated on me. Don't set yourself up for a disaster, I missed every red flag that pretty much bashed me over the head. You cannot change selfish people, and that is what he is. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He thought so little of you that golf was more important than your surgery? Honey, I'd be mad as a really hot place, and there is no way you should be feeling guilty or bad for him. Did he care about your feelings?

Keep going, and don't look back.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Think of it this way:

You had surgery and he couldn't even show up. You realized you weren't a priority. Right now you are upset because you hurt him.

Do you think right this minute he wants to get into his car and come to you because you are hurt emotionally and physically?

We both know the answer.

 

[Traveliz]

Great post - you wrote out the situation very clearly - and you should read it as if it was someone else writing it out.

It's very clear you are a smart person and made a smart decision. There is more than "love" involved in a successful relationship.

Liz

 

[sparklynails23]

Eh, it depends what the surgery was. Promoting a golf tournament usually is planned months in advance, so if you scheduled your wisdom teeth surgery on the same day, then you were the one being selfish. If you were having tumors removed, he should have made time, no matter the commitment.

When you are promoting a golf tournament, it's pretty standard to play, too.

Does he have a golf addiction? Is all of his "selfishness" centered around golf?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think it's human nature to think about the good times in times like these. You are mourning that. Maybe romanticizing some. Focus on the stinky things he did. Focus, focus, focus. Allow yourself to be angry and disappointed in that. You don't have to hang onto it, but when his good qualities come to mind, push them out with the stinky ones. And he has some big ones! Trust me, it will help you to get over him.

Plus, think about the time you waste on someone that isn't right for you is time you take away from finding the one that is.

You'll get through this. Be good to yourself. Remind yourself why you broke it off. It will get easier. When you think of how hard the break up is for him, remind yourself how easy it was for him to not show up when you needed him!

 

[jfoofj]

If I was having surgery and my significant other wasn't there for me (without a GREAT excuse, like being at war or being in surgery himself) that would be a dealbraker for me.

Actions speak louder than words, but inaction screams the loudest!

 

[mtemm]

love is not, and should not be, blind. love should be eyes opened and accepting of foibles. these are NOT foibles!

sounds like you made the right decision to me.

am wondering why you feel like he's incapable of dealing with the consequences of his choices, of if not incapable, shouldn't have to? and I'm wondering if people have treated him that way a lot in his life. am guessing that might be one reason why he is self-centered. just a thought, anyway.

I know you are likely hurting right now on many levels. you deserve more. good for you for seeing and acting on the red flags now rather than down the road when you are possibly married/with a family.

eta, it is your choice whether or not you call him/get back together with him. but know that going in, unless drastic measures to change are made (am thinking couples counseling, and individual counseling), I doubt that things will be different. so is this the life you want for yourself? alone for surgeries, let down consistently?

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I broke up with my boyfriend of exactly a year.

A little background:
he is 42, I am 30. he is divorced, (ex left him for woman), I have never been married.

We dated for a year and during the course of the year, I did notice some things that I didnt like, some red flags I guess they are called. But I did what I know I shouldnt have & I ignored them. Mainly him being selfish and self-serving to a point that it turns ppl off, even his family who love him very much.

I fell in love with him but all along knew the red flags were there. Had a couple of convos with his sisters (who love him very much but know how he is) and they told me that I shouldnt be with him. (they saw how he was doing me)

Well, in March I tried to break up with him, I told him that I was going to and he talked me out of it. He told me that he would change the things that needed to change and he did; I immediatley saw great improvements. But after a few months, I could slowly see his selfish ways creeping back up. (I know that I can not change him, that is a red flag that I ignored)

The latest thing that happened that let me know that he is selfish and will always be selfish and I am not willing to put up with that level of selfishness was last Fri, I had surgery. He told me that he would not be able to be with me because he had things to do (he lives 2 hrs away and was promoting a golf tournament). I found out Sun that he played golf Sat. What upset me about the fact that he played golf is that he knew all along that he was going to play, he just led me to believe that he was coming until a few days before then he started telling me that he had too much to do (I believe his golf buddy confirmed that he could play, so he went with golf). It made me realize that I am not a priority for him and I will NEVER be. I love him and if he had surgery or anything, I would have soooo been there for him. He has a lot good qualities and I do love him, I just can not be with someone who dont make me a priority (within reason, I know that jobs & kids sometimes have to come first, but I hope you know what I mean) Also, there are several other red flags, this just happened to be the one that made me say "no more". I broke up with him Mon.
My friends and family all like him but NO ONE felt like he was "the one" for me. My parents and sister honestly wanted to like him, but they never could get past his selfishness. (before I broke up with him, I thought I knew how they felt, but after I broke up with him, they all told me that they were glad cuz they were afraid I would be *blinded by love*) I really liked his parents, dev a wonderful rel with them and his sisters. It is kinda hard on me too cuz I havent spoken with any of them since I broke up with him.

So, the reason I am doubting myself is because I do love him (love is blind, I realize that and I am trying to do something that will save me a lot of heartache in the future) and I know I hurt him and I want to get in my car and drive to his house (even though I havent been released to drive yet) and ask for forgiveness and hope that he will take me back (which I think he will). He was blindsided, he had no idea what was about to happen.

Part of me says that he is a big boy, he will be ok, but the other part of me hurts so bad for him. Since my family feels the way they do, I dont show emotion in front of them, but it does hurt.

So, did I do the right thing by breaking up or would I be stupid to call him up??

New Rule


Always trust your gut. Don't second guess yourself. If you see the red flags even when blinded by love, then those flags are very real.

Stay Strong

 

[MouseJunkie]

You did the right thing! I spent 9 months with a very self-centered, selfish man who in the end left me for his ex. We deserve someone who makes us their priority and knows when they have a good thing! I want to feel special, don't you? You're free now go and find just that!

 

[n2dzny]

I do appreciate the kind words and advice. I agree with you all and it helps to know that "outsiders" feel the same way. Reading the replies over & over will be therapy for me.

The surgery was knee surgery. It wasnt "major", day surgery sorta thing. I was fine with the fact that he didnt come since I knew he had a lot of things to do. It was his leading me to believe that he had a jam-packed day planned to take care of business and that he wanted to be here with me so bad but he couldn't, that made me feel like he would have rather played golf than be with me. I even defended him when eyebrows were raised when he didnt come to see me. On Sun morning, he called & I asked him how he did (if he got sponsors, players, etc) and he got all defensive and acting "caught". I realized right then what had happened. I was really hurt.

It took me till Mon to get the right words to say and the courage to do it. I'm not sure that there are "right" words to say or a "good" way to do it. I just did it somehow. I want him to know that I love him and wish him well in life and I want good things for him, but I just cant be with him. He is mad (he was when we got off the phone) and hurting, I'm sure. I know he wouldnt understand if I did try to contact him. It just hurts knowing that I have hurt someone I love. But (thanks to your good advice) I will be ok and I will not look back and I know with certainty that I did do the right thing!!!!