Please help! What's in a V.R. ceremony?

[sajilunni]

I'm about 6 weeks from our V.R. and I'm so stressed/confused!

We've never been to a vow renewal before, and I'm not sure what to expect. (I'm a spoiler reader-- I always need to know what to expect). To make it even worse, I don't think I'm even sure on the basics of a traditional wedding ceremony. I haven't been to any non-religious weddings, so I have only the abbreviated weddings I've seen on TV's to go on. I don't even know what the difference is between "the vows" and "the exchange of rings". We had two wedding ceremonies 10 years ago (Hindu and Catholic), but they were both in our native language which we don't speak so we just repeated the vows phonetically and never found out exactly what we were vowing to each other.

So we heard with vow renewals you could have exactly the kind of wedding you always wanted. But it's hard for me to personalize something I have no concrete understanding of. These are the things we know we want: we want to walk down the aisle togeether, after our kids have already done their processional. We are going to do the sand ceremony with all 5 of us. My husband wants my son to read a paragraph my husband wrote about why he loves me, and wants our daughter to do the same on my behalf. We were going to just keep our rings on and present family pendants to the kids. We were going to write our own vows, but when I look up "write your own vows", it seems more like a paragraph that you recite to your spouse, rather than the segmented repeat-after-the-officiant that I had thought were vows. What is it that people usually write themselves? I'm really confused. Is my vision even possible? Or will it look really weird and chaotic?

So for any of you Escape re-brides, would you let me know what exactly was involved in your ceremony? Or for anyone who's been to a vow renewal, could you tell me what the flow of the ceremony was? Are there readings? Many people have talked about all the nice things the officiant said, when does he say these things? Does he have a speech? Does the officiant do anything besides just guide us along to the next part of the ceremony?

Any input you could provide will be greatly appreciated by me.

Jil

 

[hiwaygal]

First of all...take a deep breath!

Who is your officiant? Most of them send out a packet of information that tells you the different parts of the ceremony (readings, vows, exchange of rings, sand ceremony, etc.) and in many cases, they can tell you how to incorporate your children.

Essentially, a vow renewal is the same as a wedding. Although you may want to add stuff that talks about the memories and special things you have shared that has made you grow closer. Maybe you want to tell each other what makes you want to marry all over again.

If you want to PM me your email address, I'll send you the packet that Rev. Kevin sent to me (it's almost three years old). It helped me write what I wanted to include.

I hope that helps some.

 

[Janet2k]

Sajilunni, here is what was involved with my FTW vow renewal. I'll show it in photographs -- perhaps that will help you visualize how your own ceremony will play out.

Officiant:

Groom, followed by Wedding Party Males:

Wedding Party Females:

Wedding Party -- Minus Bride:

Big Reveal:

Bride:

Vow Renewal Ceremony:

Groom Getting Choked Up (gotta love a sensitive man):

Laughter Because Groom Flubbed His Lines (gotta love that man):

Friend Read Special Poem (written just for vow renewal couple):

Single-Ring Ceremony (groom doesn't wear ring so only bride's ring was used):

Children Read Special Poem (suggested by Officiant):

"We Do -- Again!" (happy couple walking on air):

Over the past couple of years, folks have asked me privately how my vow renewal ceremony played out. I thought it was about time that I put that information into an actual post. I hope by my doing so, it helped answer at least a few of your questions. All in all, my ceremony was very simple. It lasted around 15 minutes -- definitely short but actually quite sweet.

When I met with our Officiant prior to our vow renewal, I told her that I wanted to write personal vows but felt that I would be unable to say them during the ceremony without breaking down and crying (I knew I would be very emotional). She told me to leave it to her, which I did. Prior to that meeting, the Officiant had asked me for a little background information regarding my marriage. I e-mailed it to her (pretty much the beginning post from my FTW VR Planning Session trip report). She took what I had written and incorporated it into a ceremony. On the evening of our vow renewal, she read that ceremony. During it, she prompted Rick & I to speak portions of it. It was very much like a wedding ceremony. It wound up being perfect and actually became especially touching when Rick got choked up during it -- you saw that in the photos above (gosh, how I love that man, ~sigh~).

So, that's how my FTW vow renewal ceremony played out. The Officiant and the men walked up to the altar, followed by the women and then me. The ceremony began and stopped for two readings -- one by a dear friend and another by our children. Rick & I recited our vows, led by our Officiant, and then we were officially declared husband & wife. Again. After 20 years of a wildly insane marriage. It couldn't have been a more perfect wedding anniversary.

 

[Janet2k]

I'm about 6 weeks from our V.R. and I'm so stressed/confused!

Sajilunni, as Hiwaygal said, take a deep breath!

We've never been to a vow renewal before, and I'm not sure what to expect.

It's just like a wedding ceremony. I think that's why it's called a "vow renewal" -- that is, the two of you will renew the vows that you made to each other on your original wedding day.

I know that sounds simplistic. But in my eyes, a vow renewal is anything but simplistic. There is a lot of emotion involved. After all, the two of you have been on a journey together and there's a lot to be said about that. A wedding ceremony simply can't touch the emotion that's packed into a vow renewal ceremony. The folks who have been on that journey with you will feel it without even a word being spoken. It's really hard for me to put into words but there's a special feeling in the air.

At least that's my take on things after being married for twenty-something years. I know what it takes to make a successful marriage. At the age of 20, I simply had no idea, but now that I'm in my 40's, I have acquired a wisdom that comes with age. Being married is awfully hard work -- but oh-so worth it.

I don't think I'm even sure on the basics of a traditional wedding ceremony.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Click here for Wikipedia's take on a wedding (that's usually a good place to start). If you search the Internet, you'll find volumes of information regarding this age-old tradition. I suggest that you get yourself something cold to drink, some munchies to eat, and then kick off your shoes and let your fingers do the walking. You'll be amazed at what you'll find out there in the ethers -- I know that I usually am.

I haven't been to any non-religious weddings, so I have only the abbreviated weddings I've seen on TV's to go on.

My original wedding ceremony and my Fairy Tale Weddings vow renewal ceremony 20 years later were both non-denominational. Rick & I are Catholic and yet we never had a church ceremony. We eloped the first time around, and due to the Catholic Church's take on ceremonies performed outside of consecrated grounds, we were pretty much screwed when it came time to renew our vows. Oh, well. After 20 years of a wild & crazy marriage, we knew how to roll with the punches. Non-denominational it was. Why mess around with fate?

I don't even know what the difference is between "the vows" and "the exchange of rings".

You vow to love & honor each other for as long as you're married (which, hopefully, is for the rest of your lives). It's the vow that matters, not the ring. The ring is strictly symbolic: click here (Wikipedia's take on wedding rings).

Remember, you can get married without a ring. My husband has never had a wedding ring and we're going on 24 years of marriage. But had he not told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, we probably wouldn't be together today. It's the words -- and our promise to each other -- that has been the bedrock of our marriage. When times are tough, it's the words that we fall back on, not a piece of jewelry. At least that's how it works for us.

We had two wedding ceremonies 10 years ago (Hindu and Catholic), but they were both in our native language which we don't speak so we just repeated the vows phonetically and never found out exactly what we were vowing to each other.

I bet your original ceremonies were lovely, even though you didn't know what each specific word meant that you had recited by rote. And since you're still together today, I think those ceremonies served their purpose -- that the two of you had made a promise to love each other that you're still honoring to this day.

So we heard with vow renewals you could have exactly the kind of wedding you always wanted.

Yes, vow renewal ceremonies are usually quite flexible. When I shared what had been done for mine, it was simply just one take on what could happen.

My parents were at my vow renewal ceremony and yet I chose to walk down the aisle alone. I had considered walking down the aisle with my husband, but when it came time for our rehearsal, it wound up being the men who entered first, followed by the women. Since I'm flexible, it sounded good to me and thus we went with it. But had either Rick or I wanted something different, believe me, that would have been incorporated into our ceremony without the slightest hesitation by our Officiant. She was wonderful -- and wonderfully open to any suggestions that we might have had.

These are the things we know we want: we want to walk down the aisle togeether, after our kids have already done their processional.

Sounds perfect to me.

We are going to do the sand ceremony with all 5 of us.

Sounds perfect to me.

My husband wants my son to read a paragraph my husband wrote about why he loves me, and wants our daughter to do the same on my behalf.

Sounds perfect to me.

It was my Officiant who had suggested that my children read a poem during our ceremony. I asked the kids what they thought of it and they were both up to the task. On the night of the rehearsal, my Officiant showed them the poem and asked them to take turns reading it. It worked out beautifully. I'm glad my Officiant recommended it -- and I'm glad my kids were up to the challenge.

We were going to just keep our rings on and present family pendants to the kids.

Sounds good to me.

We were going to write our own vows, but when I look up "write your own vows", it seems more like a paragraph that you recite to your spouse, rather than the segmented repeat-after-the-officiant that I had thought were vows. What is it that people usually write themselves? I'm really confused. Is my vision even possible? Or will it look really weird and chaotic?

Talk to your Officiant and ask them for suggestions on what to do. If you want to write something, then by all means do so. But if you're a little stumped as to how it will be incorporated into your ceremony, their expertise should help you figure out exactly what to do. Trust them. It's their job and they take it very seriously and thus are very good at it.

So for any of you Escape re-brides, would you let me know what exactly was involved in your ceremony? Or for anyone who's been to a vow renewal, could you tell me what the flow of the ceremony was? Are there readings? Many people have talked about all the nice things the officiant said, when does he say these things? Does he have a speech? Does the officiant do anything besides just guide us along to the next part of the ceremony?

I'm hopeful that my prior post answered those questions for you. If not, please let me know and I'll do my best to fill in any blanks.

 

[sajilunni]

Thank you both so much for being calm voices of reason. That's what I needed .

We're having Ron Rosenweig as our officiant. He hasn't sent any kind of package at all. Maybe that's why I feel so lost. I just sent him a deposit and he assured me that he's never missed a wedding in all his years. He's gotten pretty good reviews here, but we picked him mainly because he was a non-reverend. (My in-laws are sensitive about the denominational stuff)

I guess my biggest source of confusion is the vows/ring exchange. Which one is when you say "I do" versus when you say "I Groom, take you, Wife, to be my lawful wedded wife...to have and to hold....for richer and poorer...etc"? Is that the final event of the ceremony or the first event? When would the sand ceremony come into play? And are the words different in a V.R., since you've already promised those exact lines before?

As an Escape bride, we don't get a rehearsal at all, which is why I'm a bit panicked about it all going smoothly, especially since we have non-traditional elements in it. That, and my worksheets are due this week so everything has to be a FINAL decision.

Thank you for sharing your photos, Janet. I think it will be an emotional day for me and my DH because we do realize what we're saying to each other this time around. At my first wedding all I could think about during the ceremonies was logistics (we had a morning Hindu ceremony, a lunch reception for 350, a Catholic mass, an outdoor photo shoot, and a dinner reception for 750, all in one day without a wedding coordinator! And it went off perfectly! ). I had an enviable wedding to many other girls, but not to me. The kind of wedding I dreamed about as a girl was one where every guest there truly loved me, and as only our family will be attending our V.R., I will finally be comfortable expressing exactly how deeply in love I am. I think the elements we're including in the ceremony will be ones that will remain beautiful memories (and pictures) for my children. At least I hope that's the case, and not just all of us standing around looking confused muttering, "Huh? Wha? Huh?".

Thanks for the reassurances,
Jil

 

[roozlilone]

Thank you both so much for being calm voices of reason. That's what I needed .

We're having Ron Rosenweig as our officiant. He hasn't sent any kind of package at all. Maybe that's why I feel so lost. I just sent him a deposit and he assured me that he's never missed a wedding in all his years. He's gotten pretty good reviews here, but we picked him mainly because he was a non-reverend. (My in-laws are sensitive about the denominational stuff)

I guess my biggest source of confusion is the vows/ring exchange. Which one is when you say "I do" versus when you say "I Groom, take you, Wife, to be my lawful wedded wife...to have and to hold....for richer and poorer...etc"? Is that the final event of the ceremony or the first event? When would the sand ceremony come into play? And are the words different in a V.R., since you've already promised those exact lines before?

As an Escape bride, we don't get a rehearsal at all, which is why I'm a bit panicked about it all going smoothly, especially since we have non-traditional elements in it. That, and my worksheets are due this week so everything has to be a FINAL decision.

Thank you for sharing your photos, Janet. I think it will be an emotional day for me and my DH because we do realize what we're saying to each other this time around. At my first wedding all I could think about during the ceremonies was logistics (we had a morning Hindu ceremony, a lunch reception for 350, a Catholic mass, an outdoor photo shoot, and a dinner reception for 750, all in one day without a wedding coordinator! And it went off perfectly! ). I had an enviable wedding to many other girls, but not to me. The kind of wedding I dreamed about as a girl was one where every guest there truly loved me, and as only our family will be attending our V.R., I will finally be comfortable expressing exactly how deeply in love I am. I think the elements we're including in the ceremony will be ones that will remain beautiful memories (and pictures) for my children. At least I hope that's the case, and not just all of us standing around looking confused muttering, "Huh? Wha? Huh?".

Thanks for the reassurances,
Jil

I can completely relate to the way you feel! I'm also having an Escape VR and don't get any kind of rehearsal and I'm a "need to know" kind of girl. So, I'm a little worried about how the whole thing is going to go too. This is our plan, and hopefully it will all come together

First, Joe, my hubby, will walk down the aisle, followed by my 2 daughters, Kaitlyn and Hannah, and then ME, the bride escorted by my brother, DJ...which for me...just thinking about him escorting me down the aisle makes me want to cry...my story...my father died suddenly when I was 19 years old, leaving 6 kids behind including my brother, the youngest, who was only 3 years old at the time. Joe & I had just started dating. For my first wedding, my mother walked me down the aisle and my brother was my ring bearer. Well he has grown into quite a man and we are extremely close and talk just about everyday. He is now 22 years old and has just returned from a year in Iraq and I can't even put into words how special it is going to be for me having him walk me down the aisle. Joe has known him since he was 3 and has been like a father to him, so I know it will be special to him too.

After we all make it to the altar, ie, the Yacht Club Gazebo, Rev. Jack Day will do a welcome, a prayer, read a scripture reading, followed by a poem and then our vows. We plan on writing and saying our own vows (and yes I know I will NOT make it through without choking up but I'm determined to do our OWN vows this time around). We plan on exchanging well, very cheap yet symbolic rings (no fancy diamond or anything). We are trying to find simple bands that say "My soulmate" or similar. Then, Rev. Day will do a special "locket" ceremony. We are going to present special lockets to Kaitlyn and Hannah that have "Ohana" engraved on the left side of the locket and has a family picture on the right. Then we are going to do a Family Unity Candle ceremony, followed by Rev. Day pronouncing us Husband and Wife, again! That's how it has played out in my head, we will see how it goes!