Please help me not feel guilty about breaking off 3 year relationship.(long)

[kylara]

Michelle,

I just went through this same type of break-up a couple of months ago. My ex and I had been together for 1 1/2 years and at first it was good, but then after we moved in together, I somehow ended up taking care of him and all the bills. Granted, I had more money..he was a student and didn't work. However, he could have worked if he got off his fat butt! But I let him get away with it. I did the same thing...felt this need to take care of him. And yes, when we finally got to the point you are now, he wanted it so I would break up with him. He wanted to be able to say I was the big bad meanie who dumped him, but I didn't let it happen that way.

You boyfriend wants to have someone take care of him, well then let him go back to his mother. In the meantime, you need to take care of YOU. Rather than giving him 1/2 the money in the savings, use that 1/2 to get the locks on your car and your apartment changed. Maybe use some of it for a "treat" for yourself.

Also, I am glad that you mentioned that you were going to see a counselor...someone objective can help you find the way to put you first. I know that I lost that for a while and it took a good friend (who is also a psychologist) to point that out.

 

[Mishetta]

Hi Michelle,

My 2 cents worth would be to change those locks tomorrow morning. Pack up his stuff & then set up a time when he can come pick it up & have someone there with you. Or have someone drop it off to his mother's for you.

I went through something similar too & I had a neighbor friend of mine (who was a body builder) come over to stay with me when my ex-boyfriend came by to pick up his stuff. It felt safer to have someone there. I just didn't know if my ex would talk me into being "stupid" again or if he would harm me or destroy my stuff. It turned out to be peaceful (but very awkward). My "friend" who was acting as my body guard offered very nicely to help my ex so that made things easier.

As another poster said to just move on & don't look back!!

Be happy!

 

[kdibattista]

Don't feel guilty!!!! You did the right thing. You will move on and so will he.

 

[Serena]

I vote for having someone with you too. It will deter any ideas of messing with your head or your stuff.

But be prepared for the guilt trips he'll try to send you on.

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

I think all the advice you have been given is excellent. In the end, I think it might be better for you to move. I would not like to be that close to him once you make the break.

I think in making the break, it is important to emphasize that it is no one's fault that it didn't work out ... that you are just at a different place in each of your lives and that it is time for both of you to move on.

If the money in savings is yours, you should keep it!! He is a healthy adult and if he wants "stuff" of his own, then he knows what he has to do. Being that he can't seem to get the message, I tend to think that this is his way of minipulating/controlling you ... don't fall for it again!!!

I think seeing a counselor is an excellent idea. I read somewhere that we are attracted to people that view us as we see ourselves. For example, some individuals always "end up with" guys that beat them up ... why? Because they have a low self-esteem and subconsciously think that they somehow deserve it. It doesn't sound like this is the case for you, but you may need to spend some time on yourself (and without a man to clutter up the process). You need a boost to your self-esteem. Once you really, really believe that you are an intelligent, strong, etc individual you will start "attracting" men that see you the same way and are worthy of being with someone as wonderful as you are.

You are too good to be with a deadbeat who weighs you down -- you have something to contribute and places to go ... there's a whole new world out there for you.

Follow some of the advice about having someone with you as support/protection, change the locks, see a counselor, talk-talk-talk to those you love and trust, find a new place to live .... and then enjoy your freedom!!!

 

[shelle94]

I just got a call from his sister. She said he didn't go to work today because he has been sleeping since last night and won't wake up. She said she called to tell me he's over there so I wouldn't worry. Right. She knows that I know he's over there. She just wants to make me feel like crap. Like I'm going to go over there and wake him up. I don't think so. Meanwhile, all of his stuff is in boxes in my dining room and it doesn't look like he's going to come and get it any time soon. Maybe I can have his mom's boyfriend take it all over. This is just like him. We aren't together anymore and I still have to do everything.

I dont' want to be a jerk because I know he's hurt, but I think I'm going to change the lock on the door tonight. I was home all day today, but I have to work tomorrow.

I wish this was all over.

Michelle

 

[Serena]

{{{hugs}}}